Lactose Intolerance by A Member - Short, Horror - Peer pressure is just terrible, especially when it is used to pressure the younger generation to do or consume thing that they don't want to do, that they know is not healthy for them.  But milk is healthy, after all, it makes you nice and strong . . . 10 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - doc, format

This was a great story. There was a lot of bits that would have just seemed so scary if seen on the screen, Especially the room of milk zombified children staring at Alan. This could do without the joke ending i reckon, kinda breaks the mood.

A good full story.

I don't know what to say other than this was a pretty standard zombie movie send up.  I did like how it ended with the cab driver - that scene made me smile.  The rest of it though was a little too paint-by-numbers.  For die-hard fans only.  Oh, and watch those typos; a cow has an 'udder' not 'utter'.

I think an opportunity was missed not incorporating teachers into your script somehow.  Authority figures are always effective in these types of stories.  Maybe have one of the students locked in detention instead of the obligatory hiding out in the cellar scene.

THis one was pretty cool.  It kinda reminded me of Village of the Damed.

I thought the use of milk in this one was well done and it it pretty much a standard horror so that was a bonus.

I liked the ending with the cab driver and SIlk(gross stuff by the way)

all in all a pretty decent read.

Haha this was great. More of a comedy than horror in my eyes. It reminded me of a Farily Oddparents episode where they make fun of the Stepford Wives, except with milk, and whoever drinks it becomes "zombified" and they try and make people drink milk.

I can see this on screen and how it can have its scary parts, but whenever you said that the children walked in a mechanical way, I can see them walking sort of like how the Grudge girl would walk, sort of jerky, or more like the Ring girl.

Sean

Hey.

Milk is included, so thats good.  Horror?  Kinda, I guess you pass the requirements for theme and genre.

Am I corect in spotting references to Evil Dead and psycho?  Thats funny, like milk instead of blood.  You should have had an elevator open with milk pour out and two twin students asking allen "Come drink with us, forever and ever and. . . "  That would have been funny.  But I guess we're going for horror, not humor, and maybe that would hav been too obvious.

I could be completely wrong, maybe you havent seen evil dead or psycho, but I doubt it.

-Tyler

So, I enjoyed this one more than I thought I would.

After reading the opening scene, and recognizing (I think) the author, I was all set to bash this one.  Then I found myself enjoying it, for the most part.  There are some amusing moments to be found here, even if a “chase through the school” ultimately becomes tedious, as we’ve seen it many, many times.

And what kind of school cafeteria serves milk out of pitchers?  Keep it in cartons, or you strain credibility.  The milk moustaches that you give the kids is plenty for us to know who they are, I think.  It’s a nice detail, actually.

And the last joke really does not work.  You should give this piece the ending it deserves, although I am not really sure what that might be.  Something involving the principal perhaps?  You don’t have any grownups here, and you need some.  Maybe the lunchroom ladies could be fun?  Yes.  That is definitely the angle I would choose.  Lunch ladies.

Anyway, not bad.  I enjoyed this well enough for what it was.

This one I liked a lot. This seemed more like a parody of other "brainwashing" type movies than a horror though, ie the faculty, body snatchers, village of the damned, etc. but like I said more of a parody. But funny stuff nonetheless.

I liked the lactose and tolerant remark. And the milk circling down the drain got me laughing.

And I liked the joke at the end. I didn't think it took away from the story.

I just didn't get really get why the asteroid made everybody into mindless zombies. If it were aliens or something trying to brainwash the human race it'd be one thing, but just the asteroid didn't make much sense. But very good story and well written.

I found myself liking this one!

First it felt like it was going to be a comedy with the cows and stuff. Then it got a little creepy, starting with the fourth grade girl speaking in a soft and distant way.

"Hello friend, do you want some milk". That was good and I liked how that kept escalating to "drink! drink! drink! drink!"

Yeah, this wasn't bad at all!

Try not to use the word dart so much and also--

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA—DAY

"Milk pours down the side of a glass pitcher, filling it to the top, she then moves along filling the rest of the pitchers on the counter."
Who is she? She is never introduced.

Good job!  

At the end you've got "not to fond of "SILK" instead of "MILK". Crucial place to have a typo! I liked it, and it stuck to the themes.

Quoted from The boy who could fly SILK is fake milk, and it's GROSS

Did you just give yourself away, Jordan?

I know what you mean about Silk though (soy milk) it's gross.

This piece didn’t really remind me of anyone from this site. Maybe you’re one of those leeches everyone is so worried about. Hopefully that isn’t the case. Anyway…

At times, your descriptions became extremely confusing. Maybe it was the constant repetition of certain adjectives. Alan seemed to dart everywhere. Your dialogue was fine, humorous in some places, especially on the last page.

Overall an original effort, unfortunately it’s potential gets weighted down by your confusing descriptions. The lack of any kind of real resolution also bothered me.  

-Zavier

Sorry--I thought you meant milk not the soy silk. My mistake. Just looked wrong.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Also Bert, I noticed that on mine (Lactose Intolerance) you said you thought you recognized the author, were you correct?

I did notice that you got mine haha.  I wonder how?

I thought yours was by a different author -- the whole meteor/cow thing up front was kind of silly and led me in the wrong direction -- but when I ended up liking the story, I began to doubt my initial instincts as to who had written this.

I won't insult you by telling you who -- at the outset -- I suspected.  Suffice it to say that you are more talented than they.

Quoted from bert I won't insult you by telling you who -- at the outset -- I suspected.  Suffice it to say that you are more talented than they.

Close to an insult plus a mystery but you wrap it up with what might be a compliment, so it's alright.

Glad you liked it Bert, thanks for the read.  Thanks everyone else for reading too.

Oh, and Nixon, I'm not a leech, I'm a human being.  So there.

Oh, and FYI I don plan on making this a bit longer, filling plot holes and changing the ending, so theres that to look forward too.

Thanks,
Tyler

Higgs, I think this was an obvious one of yours, I don't know how no one else figured it out. As obvious as one of Helio's.
..and that's a comliment just so you know.

I was surprised you guessed correctly.  What gave it away?

Quoted from Higgonaitor I was surprised you guessed correctly.  What gave it away?

Nothing in particular. I just think your brand of humor and the way you word things and your imagination is very distinct from everybody else. Which is a good thing. To me, it's an enormous compliment to be able to not blend in with the crowd.

Quoted from Steve-Dave I just think your brand of humor and the way you word things and your imagination is very distinct from everybody else. Which is a good thing. To me, it's an enormous compliment to be able to not blend in with the crowd.

Wow, well, thank you very much.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I didn’t feel very scared personally, but I can see you worked on the horror angle. And there’s definitely milk in here. Good job on that.

I’ve got mixed feelings about the concept.

(spoilers)

The meteor hitting the cow without killing it and just turning it into a source of “zombiefying” milk, really pushed my capacity of suspending my disbelief. On the other hand, the lactose intolerance problem was cleverly used in order to choose the protagonist for this story.

The execution could be improved a bit. I would have preferred to see this threat unfold in a more slow and subtle way. That would have been more creepy.

Didn’t like the joke at the ending. If it works or if it doesn’t… that’s not relevant. Since this is supposed to be an horror short, I’d suggest you to end it in on a darker tone, not with a laugh. Just my opinion.

Hope this helps.

OK, so we've got an alien invasion of the body snatchers going on starting with the cows. This feels like an episode of Veggietales...Larry Boy and the Fib From Outer Space, I believe it was. Granted, it's more horrific than Veggietales, but the premise of the aliens snatching the cow first is right in line.

The takeover was swift and definitely creepy, so you got that and the milk theme intimately involved. Your only real character was Alan and while we got a weakness, we didn't get much else out of him. Could have used a bit more backstory or something to give him some life.

The big chase is pretty good as he is cornered in the classroom. Nice suspenseful scene with his being trapped and the school being at the door.

The ending is weird though. You set up this whole green eye thing and then completely drop it at the end for a joke leaving the story totally open ended. After the setup you gave us, that really breaks down the ending to just a farce and ruins everything you worked up to. Like the others, we get minimal info on what is going on and the story ends before there is much of a resolution.

So not bad, but we could use a little more story and no punchline.

Mr. Z, thanks for the read, sorry I'm so late in getting back to you.

About the cow, yeah I agree that that is a weak part of the story, a little too "the blob" or "Slither" instead I was thinking of involving a more alien component to the story, having the asteroid replaced with a some type of tiny machine or container shot out from a spaceship conataining an alien virus, something along those lines, in order for the aliens to wipe out the human race and take over...through milk.

The joke is definetley going to go.  Although it did amuse me...

George, thank you as well for the read, and I am also sorry for getting back to you so late.

Huh.  I did not want this to be like veggie tales.  Oh well.

As for Alans characther, I tried to flesh him out with his dialogue with Ben, but I guess that didn't realy work out well enough.

And, as I said before, the joke is has had it's three strikes and is outta here.  Instead, i plan on having the plan mentioned above revealed somehow to Alan.

Thanks guys.

Tyler.

Hmm. Well, I didn’t find the milk people all that horrifying. Most of the time as I read, I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to be Horror or Comedy. After the ending, I was of course inclined to think it was the latter.

I’m not much into zombie fare but I do love “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and stuff like “The Stepford Wives” (the original). Those are more what came to my mind, especially “The Stepford Wives” when milk was being politely offered. Which is why I was a little disappointed in the ending. Personally I think it would have been more satisfying if Alan had escaped only to be overtaken outside the school. Maybe he finds out it’s the whole town and he gets clobbered by zombies in the middle of the town square. That’s if it’s serious and not comedy. I’m still not really sure what you were going for.

A piece of plaster falling from the ceiling onto the overhead projector, thereby turning it on and blinding Alan was a bit too coincidental. Not impossible though, I suppose. But if the projector was in storage in the cellar, what are the odds it would even be plugged in?

If you keep the ending, I really think it would be better to just use milk instead of Silk. Silk just really confuses the reader at a time when the smooth flow of the dialogue is vital.

There were quite a few grammar errors. I’ll chalk most up to the deadline but it’s stuff you don’t want to get into the habit of doing.

I’m one of those radical people who think the word Earth should be capitalized when referring to the planet formally as opposed to mere dirt, but I understand I’m in the minority on the issue.

It’s eyes - its eyes - no apostrophe in the possessive. Same thing with “its wooden exterior.”

Utters - Udders

At the beginning of the cafeteria scene, you mention a “she” filling milk pitchers but don’t tell us who “she” is. And why have pitchers instead of cartons?

Teenies hand - ahh, here you do need an apostrophe and left it out. I now suspect a conspiracy -- haha

I think “entranced” or something might work better than “seems somehow distant.” I don’t know. It just seems kind of odd.

Darts past her rushing past her - this is redundant.  You could just say he darts past her and into the boy’s locker room.

Serate - separate

Students poor - pour

Rest of the student - students

Coaches quarters - coach’s or coaches’

Celing - ceiling

Windowup - window up

Mans nose -  man’s

To fond - too

Overall it has elements I like but seemed to be in early stages of development or as though you just weren’t quite sure where you were going with it at times. That’s not necessarily a bad thing - just an early stage thing for some works.

I thought it was amusing.  As horror, it wouldn't stand but as a send-up it would. If you were to go the send-up route you could keep the end joke. However, you would need to ramp up the humour content in the rest of the script - come up with some milk jokes.

The typos and grammar errors have already been pointed out - so I won't go there.