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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Camper
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  Author    The Camper  (currently 1184 views)
henb
Posted: January 9th, 2019, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Exhibit number four-thousand, Dustin. Grow up.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 9th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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henb - you started that little exchange by attacking Dustin unprovoked.

If you have a problem with a member of the forums, I would suggest you ignore them rather than partaking in a public verbal battle. Try and keep the thread on topic.

Kirsten - I owe you a read, however I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. When/if you rewrite this, let me know and I will be happy to give it a read.

Regards

Matt


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2019, 11:59am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Well, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Dustin can be a real arsehole.  Arguing and belittling peeps for no other reason than just to do it, is common practice for him.

I read this awhile ago, and decided not to post, but after all this attention, I might as well now.

I decided I better reread and comment, as opposed to go off memory.  So, Kristen, you get some fresh feedback here.

Overall, this didn't do much of anything for me, which is why I chose not to comment initially.  Thinking back, there's little that stuck out, nothing very visual, and no characters that were memorable.  Basically, when thinking back, it was just bland.

On the reread, I now see why.  I'll give you some line by line info in a few, but for now, let me just throw some stuff out there...

The setting itself is bland and uninspired.  We don't know where this takes place...we don't know what it's near...we don't know what time of year it is.  These are such simple fixes, but such important ones, as well, IMO.

We have 2 onscreen characters and only 1 is named, and this happens to be the main character, as even the script itself is named after him.  But he doesn't have much personality.  He doesn't do anything remotely unique or memorable.  Hell, he doesn't even drink and party when he's hanging in the woods - instead, he reads a book?  Damn...not the dude I want to hang with!  Not naming the other character is a mistake, and having him wear a long hooded black cloak is rather goofy.  Where is this "kid" coming from?  Is he camping as well, and just enjoys wearing long black hooded cloaks to creep peeps out?  Does he live nearby?  Is there a town nearby?

Finally (and also laid out above in ways), from a logical and logistics standpoint, this makes zero sense, and because of that, I can't just buy in.  For your twist to be successful, we have to care and fear for your characters.  The actions of your characters have to make sense, and sadly, they just don't for me at all.

Let's jump in on the 1st page and take a line by line look.

Opening Slug is problematic for me.  I used to be quite the camper, so I'm familiar with campsites, car camping, and real, backpack camping.  I'm not sure what this is, based on the setting, but what i visualize, based on the Slug, is exactly what the Slug states, and that doesn't make sense to me.

Your opening passage is 4 lines, but doesn't really tell us anything about Darryl, other than very common physical things...but...you chose to add in an extra line, which is basically an aside, and you say that he's "slim", and "looks fit".  With jeans and a sweatshirt on, this isn't going to be discernible at all.  But that aside really throws it over the top, andthere's just no way anyone would "get this", just by seeing what you've described.  Does that make sense?

The next passage is also problematic, and it all comes back to the problematic Slug.  We're already in a clearing, but you say he "heads towards an opening in the woods".  This doesn't make any sense at all, as he's already in an opening in the woods.

You then incorrectly use a new Slug, when it should actually be an INSERT (or Close Up).  "CAR SIDE MIRROR" is not a Slug you should ever use.  The line that follows is very awkwardly written.

OK, you with me so far?  Next Slug, again is problematic.  We're in another "clearing", this time, it's a "small clearing", and the time element is "LATER", which doesn't really tell us much, in terms of how far away the "campsite" is from the car.  Slug should be "CAMPSITE" or the like.  As we find out later in the script, it's actually very important how far the car is from the campsite.

Next, you go with 2 hybrid Slugs in a row - hybrid because they're not full Slugs, and they're not Mini Slugs.  They're not correct as written.

Next Slug, and we're back in another damn clearing, this time, "CLEARING IN THE WOODS".  And you use "CONTINUOUS" as the time element, but that's totally incorrect!  How could this new scene be continuous with the last?  He had to jog to get here, so time has passed.  And, maybe more importantly, this isn't a clearing at all, based the passage that follows.  A clearing is within a wooded area, as in there are woods all around it - it can't open up to "rolling hills and farmland."

Even the 1 way phone conversation that follows isn't properly formatted.  Peeps may hate using "BEAT", but in this situation, it's a must, as there will be clear pauses while Darryl is listening to what's being said on the phone.

Hope this makes sense and helps.  My advice, fix up your Slugs.  Give your main character some qualities that make him likeable.  Fix up the logic issues.  Make it clear where we are, and the proximity of different scenes.  Name both characters and get rid of the cloak thing.

Your twist is nice, but doesn't really work as you want, based on how things play out.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: January 9th, 2019, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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As the story stands.  I think it’s not bad.

Personally, if you go with the ending and not reveal this figure early on.  That second photo he’s about to send.  That’s the moment he sees photos of himself.  And then the figure kills him, takes a new photo of him, and sends that to the wife.

Two cents.


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Warren
Posted: January 9th, 2019, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GM


I wanted to apologize especially with the “making the camper a target” quote.



Definitely don't need an apology Just felt it needed some clarification.


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Dustin
Posted: January 10th, 2019, 3:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I think it does require an apology because he didn't read the script properly and then gave unsound advice on how best to change the story. This advice appears to have been taken on board.


I don't understand why writers change their stories just because of one reviewer. It's not even a real reviewer, it's just another writer with their opinion. If they knew what to do, they'd be doing it. Do their own stories work? What makes you think they can help with yours?

It's just an opinion... and likely a weak one at that.



As an aside, I also didn't call anybody pathetic. The refusal to accept or challenge the logic was though. Refusing to engage and not accept you're wrong is pathetic.



Revision History (1 edits)
Dustin  -  January 10th, 2019, 4:50am
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Warren
Posted: January 10th, 2019, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I think it does require an apology because he didn't read the script properly and then gave unsound advice on how best to change the story. This advice appears to have been taken on board.


I don't personally need an apology. I weighed in after the fact.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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Dustin
Posted: January 10th, 2019, 3:42am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Warren


I don't personally need an apology. I weighed in after the fact.


I don't need an apology either. I was referring to the writer. The reviewer made a mistake, he apologised for it and that's cool. All I wanted was for him to recognise that he made an error. Personally, I couldn't give a toss.


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Kirsten
Posted: January 10th, 2019, 10:54am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

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Hi guys, I've been really busy and haven't had enough time headspace wise to respond to the awesome feedback. I will asap.  But just want you to know everyone's feedback regardless of what it entails is incredibly valuable to me  and I know will help improve  things my end, big time.....hugs to you all ..........


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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