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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Sinner's Prayer
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Don
Posted: August 26th, 2019, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sinner's prayer by Christine Locker and Lee Ann Riddle - Short, Horror, Comedy - A priest's prayers become reality when judgement is personified. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 5th, 2019, 10:34am
revised draft
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 26th, 2019, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Christine and Lee Ann

Itís really hard for me at least to evaluate a 2-page script on its story, itís just too short. Unless, you have a specific objective in writing it that can be evaluated. So, Iíll try to focus on formatting and structure.

How would this be captured.

Quoted Text
speaking to God with a sense of familiarity.


Is this lightning strike visible or the sound of thunder.

Quoted Text
Lightning strikes, the power flashes off.


From what Iíve read, sounds instrumental to narrative are usually capitalized.

I get the impression Father Tim is not the best of priest, but it sounds like thatís what you are going for. So, itís good that impression comes across. However, he doesnít seem to have a very strong goal/desire.

There is an escalation of attack because the lightening first strikes cutting of the power, then strikes the building, knocking Father Tim to the ground. Escalation is always good. I would actually end with a lightning strikeÖ with the assumption being (but not shown) that Father Tim was struck down. AnywayÖ my two cents

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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LC
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Hi Christine and Lee Ann.

Like BLB, I'm not quite sure of your aim here. Hmm, horror? Surely comedy-horror?

This is an odd one for me. There are moments when I chuckled following the dialogue passages below but then it doesn't seem to go far enough plot-wise. It's more like a skit at the moment but then not really enough component of comedy to be that either.

Odd turn of phrase here:

speaking to God with a sense of familiarity.

Father Tim's in his 70s presumably, and been doing this for a good while so this line (above) I balked at.

Now this stuff (below) is funny, or at least mildly amusing, and I think you're onto something:

FATHER TIM
Almighty, forgive me for my
thoughts about Mildred. She knows
not that her body should be treated
like a temple.

Father Tim chuckles
. (Be funnier imho if he says this straight-faced)

FATHER TIM (CONT'D)
James needs to be helped with his
impure thoughts. I look forward to
his confessions and hope that I am
assisting him on his path.


FATHER TIM (CONT'D)
Iím truly grateful that he was not
seriously injured
.

That was funny.
But then, that's it?

Laughter fills the room, causing Father Tim to shudder in
feat.

feat?  A typo, surely with 'feat'.

I like the vibe but it just seems as if you were not sure which way to take this. Comedy would be the way to go and extend it plot wise.

Format wise you could do with turning off the character cont'ds for a cleaner read. Just leave those on when going over the page. An easy fix in software.

I'm interested in your intentions here and have noticed you responding to your feedback on your previous scripts so I look forward to hearing further elaboration on what you're going for with this.

Btw, welcome to SS.

A couple of links to help you navigate the site.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/


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wordbreeders
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Thanks so much for your feedback on this. We've been debated as to whether it could stand on it's own as a micro-short, but I agree totally that it needs more and we have a new draft which I'll post soon when it's finished.

I really do appreciate the feedback. It confirms what I've been thinking all along.

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Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Glad we could help  

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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alffy
Posted: August 28th, 2019, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Christine and Lee Ann

Shudder in feat?  Should that be 'fear'?

Strange short this.  Father Tim's dialogue set me up to reading a comedy about, what I might have assumed wrongly, to be love triangle but then the lightening and shadow appearing was more serious.  I think it's a bit confusing, and for a 2 page script that's not great lol.

It's not a bad short but I just don't think I got what you were aiming for.  I definitely think you need to add a bit more.  This probably isn't that helpful and it's just the thoughts of an miserable buggers mind.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Marcela
Posted: August 28th, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting piece of writing. It would work as a start of something longer. Or, perhaps the shadow could be Mildred's husband?
Marcela


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wordbreeders
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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We're very thankful for all the advice on this script and have now filled it out into a 6 page short. We would love feedback on whether it works now.

Regards,
Christine & Lee Ann
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MarkItZero
Posted: September 6th, 2019, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Christine and Lee,

Thought it had some interesting moments but not quite sure what it all means. You have these two vile people giving confessions and Father Tim is not exactly a Saint.

Then the shadow shows up... a vengeful God?

The funniest part for me was when Mildred came back in completely oblivious. The clash of this super serious/intense moment with some doofus awkwardly walking in was good. I don't know what else you can do with that though. There needs to be more of a story somewhere. I'm not being very helpful, sorry. I do think there's potential here.


That rug really tied the room together.
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