SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 9th, 2025, 3:22am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Sinner's Prayer
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Sinner's Prayer  (currently 962 views)
Don
Posted: August 26th, 2019, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17384
Posts Per Day
1.95
Sinner's prayer by Christine Locker and Lee Ann Riddle - Short, Horror, Comedy - A priest's prayers become reality when judgement is personified. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 5th, 2019, 11:34am
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 26th, 2019, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
340
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey, Christine and Lee Ann

It’s really hard for me at least to evaluate a 2-page script on its story, it’s just too short. Unless, you have a specific objective in writing it that can be evaluated. So, I’ll try to focus on formatting and structure.

How would this be captured.

Quoted Text
speaking to God with a sense of familiarity.


Is this lightning strike visible or the sound of thunder.

Quoted Text
Lightning strikes, the power flashes off.


From what I’ve read, sounds instrumental to narrative are usually capitalized.

I get the impression Father Tim is not the best of priest, but it sounds like that’s what you are going for. So, it’s good that impression comes across. However, he doesn’t seem to have a very strong goal/desire.

There is an escalation of attack because the lightening first strikes cutting of the power, then strikes the building, knocking Father Tim to the ground. Escalation is always good. I would actually end with a lightning strike… with the assumption being (but not shown) that Father Tim was struck down. Anyway… my two cents

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
LC
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 3:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
8675
Posts Per Day
1.42
Hi Christine and Lee Ann.

Like BLB, I'm not quite sure of your aim here. Hmm, horror? Surely comedy-horror?

This is an odd one for me. There are moments when I chuckled following the dialogue passages below but then it doesn't seem to go far enough plot-wise. It's more like a skit at the moment but then not really enough component of comedy to be that either.

Odd turn of phrase here:

speaking to God with a sense of familiarity.

Father Tim's in his 70s presumably, and been doing this for a good while so this line (above) I balked at.

Now this stuff (below) is funny, or at least mildly amusing, and I think you're onto something:

FATHER TIM
Almighty, forgive me for my
thoughts about Mildred. She knows
not that her body should be treated
like a temple.

Father Tim chuckles
. (Be funnier imho if he says this straight-faced)

FATHER TIM (CONT'D)
James needs to be helped with his
impure thoughts. I look forward to
his confessions and hope that I am
assisting him on his path.


FATHER TIM (CONT'D)
I’m truly grateful that he was not
seriously injured
.

That was funny.
But then, that's it?

Laughter fills the room, causing Father Tim to shudder in
feat.

feat?  A typo, surely with 'feat'.

I like the vibe but it just seems as if you were not sure which way to take this. Comedy would be the way to go and extend it plot wise.

Format wise you could do with turning off the character cont'ds for a cleaner read. Just leave those on when going over the page. An easy fix in software.

I'm interested in your intentions here and have noticed you responding to your feedback on your previous scripts so I look forward to hearing further elaboration on what you're going for with this.

Btw, welcome to SS.

A couple of links to help you navigate the site.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
wordbreeders
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 7:35am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi,

Thanks so much for your feedback on this. We've been debated as to whether it could stand on it's own as a micro-short, but I agree totally that it needs more and we have a new draft which I'll post soon when it's finished.

I really do appreciate the feedback. It confirms what I've been thinking all along.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
Busy Little Bee
Posted: August 27th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
340
Posts Per Day
0.05
Glad we could help  

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
alffy
Posted: August 28th, 2019, 9:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2175
Posts Per Day
0.31
Christine and Lee Ann

Shudder in feat?  Should that be 'fear'?

Strange short this.  Father Tim's dialogue set me up to reading a comedy about, what I might have assumed wrongly, to be love triangle but then the lightening and shadow appearing was more serious.  I think it's a bit confusing, and for a 2 page script that's not great lol.

It's not a bad short but I just don't think I got what you were aiming for.  I definitely think you need to add a bit more.  This probably isn't that helpful and it's just the thoughts of an miserable buggers mind.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
Marcela
Posted: August 28th, 2019, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Nottingham, UK
Posts
152
Posts Per Day
0.04
Interesting piece of writing. It would work as a start of something longer. Or, perhaps the shadow could be Mildred's husband?
Marcela


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
wordbreeders
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
We're very thankful for all the advice on this script and have now filled it out into a 6 page short. We would love feedback on whether it works now.

Regards,
Christine & Lee Ann
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
MarkItZero
Posted: September 6th, 2019, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1006
Posts Per Day
0.30
Hi Christine and Lee,

Thought it had some interesting moments but not quite sure what it all means. You have these two vile people giving confessions and Father Tim is not exactly a Saint.

Then the shadow shows up... a vengeful God?

The funniest part for me was when Mildred came back in completely oblivious. The clash of this super serious/intense moment with some doofus awkwardly walking in was good. I don't know what else you can do with that though. There needs to be more of a story somewhere. I'm not being very helpful, sorry. I do think there's potential here.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006