SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 15th, 2020, 1:47am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
Week 5 Scores and Who Wrote What of the
The Writer's Tournament
.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Night Steak
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Night Steak  (currently 1127 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2020, 10:07am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14006
Posts Per Day
1.96
Night Steak by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - An old man in order to fill the stomach of a little girl acknowledges the true evil in the dead of a night. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 9th, 2020, 12:46pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Yuvraj
Posted: May 6th, 2020, 2:42am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Thank you again Don for posting a revised draft. Made a few changes and cleaned it up.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.

Hope you guys like it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  May 7th, 2020, 2:28pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
eldave1
Posted: May 8th, 2020, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5878
Posts Per Day
2.67
Not my cup of tea genre-wise, but gave it a look.

Whenever I am using generics for character names - I treat them like I would proper names.

e.g., this:

Quoted Text

INT. RUNDOWN HOUSE - NIGHT

The rough man opens the door, shoves the old man inside


I would change to The Rough Man opens the door, shoves the Old Man,,,

You could use a little more description on the house,


Quoted Text
It is lit bright.


A bit clumsily - just -  Brightly lit


Quoted Text
Four people working with their cimeters on big chunks of
meat. Cutting and chopping.



You need to all cap PEOPLE here. Personally, I'd go with BUTCHERS - regardless - they are characters and need to be capped when intro'd.


Quoted Text
One of the four men answers.


You don't need this - we know they answer when they answer.


Quoted Text
OLD MAN
175.


Should be written out. - One seventy-five

Nice effort overall - I think you are making strides in your work.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
Yuvraj
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 2:09am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you.

I will make the required changes.

Thank you once again for the read and review.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
eldave1
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 2:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5878
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted from Yuvraj
Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you.

I will make the required changes.

Thank you once again for the read and review.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
Yuvraj
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Made the required changes as directed by Dave.

Thank you once again for the suggestions Dave.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Yuvraj  -  May 12th, 2020, 10:37am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
eldave1
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5878
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted from Yuvraj
Made the required as directed by Dave.

Thank you once for the suggestions Dave.


My pleasure.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
steven8
Posted: May 11th, 2020, 12:50am Report to Moderator
Regular


You're never alone...

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
808
Posts Per Day
0.21
It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.

The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.

Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.


Quoted Text
loaves of
stale breads. She devours on it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Yuvraj
Posted: May 13th, 2020, 4:17am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Hello, Steven(or Mr.CERN, lol),

Thank you for reading and reviewing.



Quoted from steven8

It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.


It is nice that you find it creepy. I like the idea of an old silent film.  



Quoted from steven8
The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.


You got the story spot on.


Quoted from steven8

Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.


Thank you for pointing out the 'breads' mistake. I think it should be 'devours on it' since she is hungrily eating and not yet finished, if you read again then you will see that I have written MUNCHING ON HER TIDBIT on the last page. She is still eating.

Thank you once again.  




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
ajr
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.38
Hey Yurvaj,

Have seen you around a lot doing reads so I thought I'd check this out.

Agree with Steven8, it's very creepy and evokes a certain mood.

For me though, this lacks context. In the slugs we are given, STREET, RUNDOWN HOUSE and ROOM. I have no idea where we are - what country, city, etc. And I have no idea what is driving this extreme poverty. Is it a post-apocalyptic world? Is it a village ravaged by extreme poverty? Or both? And why specifically is meat scarce?

And while I get that the man sacrifices himself for the girl... to what end? Are they feeding people human flesh? Does he serve another purpose for the butchers?

You have time, in 3 pages, to set this up a a bit more. You can start with the man finding the girl. Give a sense of who she is, who he is, and why he wants to help her.

As for some of the grammar issues mentioned above - your command of the language is good, as you use lofty words in many cases, however it's an issue of syntax. "Devours" is the right word since it's a synonym for "attacks", however it should be written as "devours it", not "devours ON it."

Other instances like "two slices of stale breadS" - it should be "bread" since you've already deemed it plural (two). And "weighs on the uninjured foot" s/b "weight", as in, her weight is shifted.

And if you'll allow me to comment on your action lines - not that you need to save space in a 3 page short, however your opening line could be re-written into two instead of three lines by saying "who is in similar condition" and omitting "as that of the old man." Remember, the audience will see them both tattered on film, and you want to give us just enough to put the image in our head without using extra words.

And think of action blocks as separate shots in the same scene. Each time you want to convey to the director or the audience a different camera angle, hit return and type a new sequence. That tells me that something changed - a new point of view, or a few seconds have passed, etc.

Thanks for sharing, this is definitely a good start on something that I think can be expanded, and can have a great impact on the screen.

Good luck with this -

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
Yuvraj
Posted: May 25th, 2020, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Thanks AJR.

Thanks a lot for taking time and reading my tiny script. Points noted.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
BarryJohn
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 8:11am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
220
Posts Per Day
0.35
Hi Yurvas.

Nice interesting read.

Just wondering....
- Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door.
- After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?  

Did I get the story right it that;
ROUGH MAN
How much more we need?
MAN #1
Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot.

..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?





Who am I? A man with a hundred stories.. You want to read one?

I live in the most beautiful country of South Africa. I'm a self employed electronics security technician. I'm four years into script writing ~ trying to make it in this ever competitive  industry.  

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Yuvraj
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 8:59am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


C'est moi?

Location
At my desk
Posts
279
Posts Per Day
1.23
Hi, Barry,

First up, you spelled my name wrong brother.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.



Quoted Text
Did I get the story right it that;
ROUGH MAN
How much more we need?
MAN #1
Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot.

..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?


You got it correct except the howling. It ain't no beast. They are dogs. Hungry fucking dogs.


Quoted Text
Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door.
- After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?


You surely think too much. Lol.

We normally see the world at the surface level but deep down no one really cares for who you're.  Even if you are 10 year old girl. No one cares.

That's what this story represents i.e. the recurring pattern of mankind, but in the shadows.

I think that'll suffice you.

BTW, thanks for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
BarryJohn
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 9:47am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

Location
South Africa
Posts
220
Posts Per Day
0.35
YUVRAJ - Sorry I got it wrong.

Thanks for clarifying.. Makes for a better understanding of your story. Also, in that you mention; based on a vague memory of your childhood --What country you from? We had the same bad shit in my country I live in, South Africa. SAD!

I'll echo what the seniors are saying - Your writing has become noticeably improved.

I look forward to your next script.  


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories.. You want to read one?

I live in the most beautiful country of South Africa. I'm a self employed electronics security technician. I'm four years into script writing ~ trying to make it in this ever competitive  industry.  

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
spesh2k
Posted: May 26th, 2020, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
761
Posts Per Day
0.17
Hey Yuvraj,

You're writing has gotten considerably better in a short amount of time, so kudos. Still a little rough around the edges in regards to economizing your words in description and sentence structure (affecting flow of the read), but it's still an easy read.

The tone was pretty creepy and the premise is very interesting, though I'd like more clarity as to where we are, exactly. I know it's a rundown house, but is this set in a dystopian future? Or are we in a third world country? Or is this a period piece (which is what I kinda imagined in my head).

I think atmosphere and setting can be strengthened juuuust a tad. Just to add a hint of context -- not saying you need dialogue to provide us with explanation necessarily, but just by better describing the surroundings and giving us a better idea of what we're picturing (maybe some rooms are candle lit or the building is an abandoned inner city crackhouse or something).

Anyway, nice work here. No happy endings here -- it's implied that the dogs will at least confront the little girl, most likely devouring her, which sucks after that old man sacrificed himself just to feed her for a day. They should've at least given her more food to make the trade more even lol. At least when the dogs attack her, she could use some of the food to get them away from her -- which would suck, too. Starve or get torn apart by dogs?

-- Michael


MY FEATURE FILMS:

THE SUICIDE THEORY (79% Rotten Tomato Score, Available on Amazon Prime, Itunes, Google Play, Youtube, etc) - https://youtu.be/5eaXXOKJvtg

RAGE (coming late 2020/early 2021) - https://vimeo.com/402447622

Check out my latest horror script, HONEY MUSTARD - https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1585433547/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006

*No, it isn't