Overall, I liked this one.

I do think the dialogue through this needs some work though.

Quoted Text NANCY My brother. He has anger issues. I swear sometimes he hates me. I can't believe he'd risk shooting me just because he hates you.

Here, I think you can remove her saying that he has anger issues and can't believe he would risk hitting her. We can not only tell that he has issues, but that also he does not care that his sister is in the line of fire.


Also, why is he shooting silver bullets? Is he really trying to kill Nancy? If not then why not just bring regular ammunition?

Why is Bill confused about Nancy accusing him of cheating. He never really admits to anything either, but apparently, he did cheat on her.


Good work.

This was delightfully amusing.

I had a teeny bit of a problem when Lonnie turned up cause at first I thought he was the cavalry that Bill called - in other words, a mate. However, that turned out to add more suspense to proceedings, when he was another family member.

Really loved the funny touches of dialogue throughout:

I say we get back in the car and drive it like we stole it.  

BILL
I got bit by a wolf.

I know this (above) is dialogue, so anything goes, but why doesn't anyone say the grammatically correct 'bitten' anymore? Rhetorical question that. Suffice to say after watching twelve episodes of All of us Are Dead and then three so far of the very funny Wolf Like Me, I'm over anyone being 'bit'.

Envy and matters of the heart, I'd be guessing with this one.
The love story was over but it resulted in lots of mayhem.
I liked the brothers over-protectiveness. An alternative might be an ex-boyfriend maybe? Ala, if I can't have you nobody else can.

Very well done, Writer!
Very enjoyable.  

P.S. You might enjoy the immensely likeable Josh Gad & Borat's real-life wife Isla Fisher in this Aussie written Streaming series - the wolf one, not the Zombie one:

https://youtu.be/jROlroymMgE

I like it. A good concept. It seemed like Lonnie's disclosure would have been a good place to end it.

Thank you to all who read this and commented. I will be doing a rewrite.

I guessed you wrote this one! I guess I still remember your style and likes.

Hope to see you around here some more.

Hi Pia,
Yes, you knew. 😁
Thank you.
I am sure going to try to be around more. I do have some more time on my hands now.
Cindy

Thank you, Don, for getting the rewrite posted here.
You're the best.

This draft is a little longer (8 pages) .

A few notes as I go:

Page 1. Slugline. "COUNTRY" should be "COUNTRYSIDE". Country sounds like it a sovereign state.

Page 1.

Quoted Text Bill notices the open buttons on her blouse and reaches for her breast. She swats his hand away with her injured hand.

This makes it sound like a comedy.

Page 4.

Quoted Text Oh, Gawd, I've never even gotten a colonoscopy. That part of my body is virginal.

Again this is more comedy than horror. The dialogue up to this point isn't very believable. Too much exposition and too unnatural.

Page 4.

Quoted Text You would never fit into a pack. Er, I mean a family.

I see where you're going with this, but it's too overt.

Page 5.

Quoted Text I don't remember you having any facial hair.

It's becoming difficult to take this as a horror due to the silliness of this line.

Page 6. The whole Oh thank God your drove by right at the moment I needed someone to save me but you turn out to be with the same people I'm running from trope. I'm not saying that it can't be used, but in this instance it would be more of a twist if Lonnie wasn't actually with Nancy and Daniel.

Page 6.

Quoted Text You must have run into Nancy or Daniel.

This line doesn't shock Bill but he is shocked when Lonnie uses Bill's name? Bill should be shocked that some random guy he just met knows who's chasing him.

Page 7.

Quoted Text Daniel and Nancy are my brother and sister. We talk.

This is what I call an "Eagle River?!" moment: Something random that just so happens to fit into the story that is totally unbelievable. I just don't buy it.


Then the rest of the dialogue is on-the-nose and the lines about "Chinese" food and "fried chicken and chocolate chip cookies" didn't fit the tone of a horror...

And "Main Street"... "Main Street"!? That's such a phoned in street name. You could have said something like "Lycan Avenue" or "Luna Lane"... anything other than Main Street would have been better.

I like the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

I'll check this out and let you know what I think.

Hi Jordan,
Thanks for giving this a read.
This is horror, but I always write my horror as horror/comedy.
It wasn't meant to be a serious horror.
Thank you for your comments.
Cindy

Quoted from Zack I'll check this out and let you know what I think.

Ok, Zack