I'll Love You Forever by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - A cheater finds out who his girlfriend really is when her brother shows up to teach him a lesson. 8 pages

Production: 8 pages. One location, four actors. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I really enjoyed this one. You threw us right into the action. Thank you for this one!

I love simple tales. They unburden you of any extra work you need to do to be entertaining. A quick ride along. However, my problem with this story is that the payoff twists never had a contrasting setup. Both the were-wolf reveal and the extra brother fell flat. There were no actual build up leading to them.
The sixth sense twist would have had a weak impact if the PI didn't give us the illusion that he's interacting with everyone around him. We were like: how? He spoke to that and this. But then we realized that we got tricked.

What was the buildup toward those reveals to make them impactful? Nothing. We never met Daniel before. And whether they were werewolves are not made no difference to us because no prior setup made us sense any kind of iron or shock.

I'll give this a good but not great.

Edit: As per Don's instructions -
Please do not rate scripts in your review.

The use of Wrath and a semi love story with the use of Werewolves thrown in for good measure.

So Bill knew nothing about Nancy being a werewolf if they only met, where they in love?

It wasn't a bad story with the werewolf family and pretty well written.

Good job on entering

Nice effort.

I did find the dialogue a bit on the nose (exposition-laded) in a few cases as characters were exchanging information that they should have already known.

The werewolf angle was an interesting twist - after that reveal it slows down a bit .

Congrats on the effort

Hi, O.

Logline is a bit redundant.

I want to like this one more than I do. Werewolves are my jam. Initially, it's a solid setup. But as the story unravels, the logic starts to fall apart. None of this really makes sense to me.

The dialog is pretty rough. Almost feels like parody at times. Maybe this one was written in a hurry?

Good effort, though.

Interesting and had some decent one liners and the like but noithing in it really struck me as a love story.

Bill lusts after Nancy, Nancy doesn't really seem to give much of a shit about Bill really and the brothers seem to just want to get fed.

However I did kinda like the story itself, i'm a sucker for a werewolf tale!

Nice story.  Kind of a dark take on Twilight, but with warewolves, and not vampires.  Nice entry.

I liked this one!  

However, the dialogue needs a lot of work, IMHO. There's too much of it and it's too expositional. You don't need to explain or tell us everything. Give the audience some credit. Let us think a little. Don't spoon feed us info. Other than that, good job!  

Very entertaining, this would be a good short film with unexpectedly likable characters with interesting backstories.  I think an audience will care enough about Bill to make the story work, his frailties and weakness give the extra spark to contrast the bleak situation.

I liked this one, such an easy read - You do simple in a good way!

Not sure if I felt the love story and couldn't be certain of the deadly sin at play - maybe wrath?

Anyway enjoyed it, well done.

Ahoy you

I gotta say, I really liked this. Not a huge fan of this genre! For one thing, although it's a horror, you added a little effective, character-revealing humor that made me laugh twice without really making me question the genre -- which I think is because of your good balance with that.  Maybe focus on enhancing the "Love" in the story, if you plan on doing a re-write.  I do agree though... bits&pieces of the dialogue needs a tweak, but this does evoke the correct tone and setting for this type of story...nicely done! Brownie points for werewolves and not zombies. Best of Irish luck!  

Hi Writer

Comedy is not listed but the tone is comedic throughout, I hope that was intentional.

I like werewolves, and I kinda liked this story. He cheated on her so now she isn't going to turn him into a werewolf and love him forever, instead, she's just going to feast... but hungry brothers got in the way.

A bit sloppy in its execution and direction, awkward description and wooden dialogue. But overall not a bad effort

There's an interesting premise here but it didn't really engage me. Nobody behaves realistically, the dialogue is rough, the pace keeps slipping, and I didn't care about Bill at all so there's no impact for me. Good effort, it could be something with an overhaul.

Hello, writer I enjoyed this one, easy to read and some good twists. I don't know if this is a love story though. Reads more like a story of revenge than a love story. The theme is the wrath he incurs, but I think it would've been more impactful  if she was the one to kill him.

Yeah. He's shooting at us. He knows
it's like I'm allergic to silver or
something. If it touches my skin, it
burns, and I bleed.

this line was a bit difficult to digest and could use some attention. overall it was a decent effort, although I don't see a love story and therefore doesn't meet the requirements for the challenge, I commend your effort and you write like a seasoned vet.

Great job on entering and all the best.

-Cheers

Overall, I liked this one.

I do think the dialogue through this needs some work though.

Quoted Text NANCY My brother. He has anger issues. I swear sometimes he hates me. I can't believe he'd risk shooting me just because he hates you.

Here, I think you can remove her saying that he has anger issues and can't believe he would risk hitting her. We can not only tell that he has issues, but that also he does not care that his sister is in the line of fire.


Also, why is he shooting silver bullets? Is he really trying to kill Nancy? If not then why not just bring regular ammunition?

Why is Bill confused about Nancy accusing him of cheating. He never really admits to anything either, but apparently, he did cheat on her.


Good work.

This was delightfully amusing.

I had a teeny bit of a problem when Lonnie turned up cause at first I thought he was the cavalry that Bill called - in other words, a mate. However, that turned out to add more suspense to proceedings, when he was another family member.

Really loved the funny touches of dialogue throughout:

I say we get back in the car and drive it like we stole it.  

BILL
I got bit by a wolf.

I know this (above) is dialogue, so anything goes, but why doesn't anyone say the grammatically correct 'bitten' anymore? Rhetorical question that. Suffice to say after watching twelve episodes of All of us Are Dead and then three so far of the very funny Wolf Like Me, I'm over anyone being 'bit'.

Envy and matters of the heart, I'd be guessing with this one.
The love story was over but it resulted in lots of mayhem.
I liked the brothers over-protectiveness. An alternative might be an ex-boyfriend maybe? Ala, if I can't have you nobody else can.

Very well done, Writer!
Very enjoyable.  

P.S. You might enjoy the immensely likeable Josh Gad & Borat's real-life wife Isla Fisher in this Aussie written Streaming series - the wolf one, not the Zombie one:

https://youtu.be/jROlroymMgE

I like it. A good concept. It seemed like Lonnie's disclosure would have been a good place to end it.

Thank you to all who read this and commented. I will be doing a rewrite.

I guessed you wrote this one! I guess I still remember your style and likes.

Hope to see you around here some more.

Hi Pia,
Yes, you knew. 😁
Thank you.
I am sure going to try to be around more. I do have some more time on my hands now.
Cindy

Thank you, Don, for getting the rewrite posted here.
You're the best.

This draft is a little longer (8 pages) .

A few notes as I go:

Page 1. Slugline. "COUNTRY" should be "COUNTRYSIDE". Country sounds like it a sovereign state.

Page 1.

Quoted Text Bill notices the open buttons on her blouse and reaches for her breast. She swats his hand away with her injured hand.

This makes it sound like a comedy.

Page 4.

Quoted Text Oh, Gawd, I've never even gotten a colonoscopy. That part of my body is virginal.

Again this is more comedy than horror. The dialogue up to this point isn't very believable. Too much exposition and too unnatural.

Page 4.

Quoted Text You would never fit into a pack. Er, I mean a family.

I see where you're going with this, but it's too overt.

Page 5.

Quoted Text I don't remember you having any facial hair.

It's becoming difficult to take this as a horror due to the silliness of this line.

Page 6. The whole Oh thank God your drove by right at the moment I needed someone to save me but you turn out to be with the same people I'm running from trope. I'm not saying that it can't be used, but in this instance it would be more of a twist if Lonnie wasn't actually with Nancy and Daniel.

Page 6.

Quoted Text You must have run into Nancy or Daniel.

This line doesn't shock Bill but he is shocked when Lonnie uses Bill's name? Bill should be shocked that some random guy he just met knows who's chasing him.

Page 7.

Quoted Text Daniel and Nancy are my brother and sister. We talk.

This is what I call an "Eagle River?!" moment: Something random that just so happens to fit into the story that is totally unbelievable. I just don't buy it.


Then the rest of the dialogue is on-the-nose and the lines about "Chinese" food and "fried chicken and chocolate chip cookies" didn't fit the tone of a horror...

And "Main Street"... "Main Street"!? That's such a phoned in street name. You could have said something like "Lycan Avenue" or "Luna Lane"... anything other than Main Street would have been better.

I like the premise, but the execution needs a lot of work.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

I'll check this out and let you know what I think.

Hi Jordan,
Thanks for giving this a read.
This is horror, but I always write my horror as horror/comedy.
It wasn't meant to be a serious horror.
Thank you for your comments.
Cindy

Quoted from Zack I'll check this out and let you know what I think.

Ok, Zack