Ruptured Wings :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hey Yuvraj,

RUPTURED WINGS — I liked the initial idea, but there were many scenes that struck me as being off.
And because of that, the ending had flyweight power.
The first issue I have is the beginning. Not sure why Chloe is "slumped on the couch" waiting for something unknown and flipping through a magazine. Then she looks at her phone... I think she should be active and in motion.

By the time she goes to the door and sees nobody on the security camera, I already suspect she is nuts. That spoiled the rest of the story because there are no surprises.

What is Chloe's motive for being in Ken's house? To get her child? To kill Ken? Both? There is no sense of urgency to do either.

It's not enough to say she's crazy and just have her do crazy things. Her insanity should be grounded in reality. Make us root for her from the start. Maybe Chloe is dressing Nathan for travel. We will guess that she and baby are fleeing from danger. You can show urgency through this action.
As a mom with a child, we have every reason to root for her.

Then when she goes to the door, we will assume that she is in peril. We might think: Is somebody gaslighting her? Or maybe she is under siege by supernatural forces. Her paranoia will seem organic.
Once this is established, those crumbs of her insanity will be less obvious.
Be clever, so that we can retrace out steps and see that you did a masterful job in setting up the story.

I think you get what I'm saying...

One idea to create suspense is to have her phone ring incessantly. The police or maybe Ken are trying to contact her. Chloe can react hysterically to her caller (who we never hear). How about the baby sitter's phone ringing? The phone can have one of those eerie ring tones that will echo in an empty house. Could be creepy.

On the subject of the babysitter, I don't think a parent would hire a teenager (especially male?) to care for an infant under 1 year old. How about the babysitter being Ken's mom or maybe a new wife? If Ken has remarried, that would really set Chloe off.

The reporter's VO coverage didn't ring as real. I would imagine this is a hostage situation, where the police are facing a suspect barricaded with one or more innocent people as hostages — reporters might be on the scene covering a standoff between police and suspect[s]). I say this because the reporting seems to be in real time, with a ton of information, as if they have been on the scene for hours.
Reporters (almost) never identify homicide victims by name at the crime scene. Those victims have to be properly identified later and relatives notified first.

Have your reporters be respectful, professional and take responsibility.

This story could be very interesting if you create the illusion of a woman in peril, trying to protect her baby from unseen forces. Heck, I might even think it was a variation of "Rosemary's Baby."
Chloe's arrest at the end might then have that knockout punch you are going for.

Good luck moving forward, Yuvraj.