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Nepenthes by Sean Elwood - Short, Horror - Two teenagers explore the area of an abandoned church, and the haunted water well next to it. 11 pages - pdf format
Delayed thanks for getting this up, Don. As always, you rock.
As for everyone else, this was mostly a writing exercise than anything. I wrote it back in June and never felt like posting it until I ran across it in my files recently. It's a story I wrote as a prose piece a while ago, and translated it into screenplay format. I do know that the character development was certainly lost in translation, but I wanted to make the script as short as possible.
The logline was hastily written and, I know, is very uninteresting. Any help on that would be appreciated as well, but not expected.
Firstly, great poster! Really works well for what it's about.
I enjoyed it. You set the scene well, nothing is too rushed, and the pace builds really effectively where by the end, it felt like it was hurtling along to the climax.
Some of the dialogue felt a little off at the start, but given the limitations I think that's not really a big deal and with some solid actors probably wouldn't really stand out anyways. Having said that I think it might be a good idea to rewrite or remove the line where they mention about what happened to their friends though, because if what happens to them happened to their friends, how would they even know? And if the friends heard the cries, then why hadn't they alerted the emergency services. It's a tricky though as it does help build tension.
Mixed feelings about the references to The Ring, too. Not so much because it sort of is, and isn't, like that movie, but more because it takes me out of the story for a moment. Having said that it does, or can, add a little comic relief.
SPOILER ALERT:
One other thing, I'd probably have the nose spurting blood before her face melts away otherwise there wouldn't be a nose for the blood to spurt away from, if that makes sense?
When it comes to the logline, that's better than I could do! I'm shit at them.
Great title for it too btw. Sounds creepy af and like something you'd expect a horror to be called, and what it actually is works brilliantly given what happens.
Did you come up with the name before or after you wrote it?
Some of the dialogue felt a little off at the start, but given the limitations I think that's not really a big deal and with some solid actors probably wouldn't really stand out anyways. Having said that I think it might be a good idea to rewrite or remove the line where they mention about what happened to their friends though, because if what happens to them happened to their friends, how would they even know? And if the friends heard the cries, then why hadn't they alerted the emergency services. It's a tricky though as it does help build tension.
So, this is written from a prose piece I wrote back in 2015-2016, sometime in that ballpark. In the story, they mention that their friends heard the cries while they were visiting the church for sexual reasons and got spooked and ran away. Instead of telling the authorities, they, of course, told their friends and created a ghost story/rumor like the stupid teenagers they are. But it is worth keeping in mind to take out that piece of dialogue, however I do want them to have a (good enough) reason to visit the church/well.
Mixed feelings about the references to The Ring, too. Not so much because it sort of is, and isn't, like that movie, but more because it takes me out of the story for a moment. Having said that it does, or can, add a little comic relief.
The sole purpose of making that comment was a hint to make the reader aware that this wasn't going to be anything like The Ring, even though it pretty much is a set up for The Ring. While comically relieving, it is something I was hesitant about putting in the script (even though it's in the prose piece, and mentioned twice--once when Susan sees that they're investigating a well..."What is this, The Ring?", and again when she's about to go into the well..."This isn't The-fucking-Ring"), but in the end decided to do it. It helps for comedic relief, yes, but I also just want the viewer to be aware that that's not what's to be expected. Maybe I should take it out so people think this could be a The Ring spinoff, only to come and realize that it's a totally different story in the end.
One other thing, I'd probably have the nose spurting blood before her face melts away otherwise there wouldn't be a nose for the blood to spurt away from, if that makes sense?
This does make sense. Maybe I could say something like... "blood pours out of her nasal cavity, her nose completely missing." Then again, this is a small detail that I added for effect in the script, but it will probably be glossed over if it were ever filmed.
When it comes to the logline, that's better than I could do! I'm shit at them.
Thank you! It was hastily written, and I know it can be better, but it gets the point across. I just don't think it's very attention-grabbing, ya know? I gotta work on it some more.
Great title for it too btw. Sounds creepy af and like something you'd expect a horror to be called, and what it actually is works brilliantly given what happens.
Did you come up with the name before or after you wrote it?
I honestly can't remember if I came up with the name before or afterward. I was given the word "church" when I was stuck with writer's block and asked a friend for a noun so I could write a story. So I took "church" and created this story, with the idea that the well was going to trap and eventually eat/digest our characters.
So, I think I came up with the title afterward. Nepenthes is a species of pitcher plant, a carnivorous plant similar to a Venus fly trap. It is shaped like, as the name suggests, a pitcher, with a base of acidic, digestive enzymes/liquid. It attracts insects inside of its pitcher-shaped body, only to have them fall inside and into the acidic liquid, where the insects eventually drown, and the plant consumes them.
Thank you, Max, so much, for reading this. The comments certainly helped, and I am happy you enjoyed it for what it was! Let me know if there's anything I can read in return for you!
I think it's a cracking script and the things I pointed out are really minor points, and as you said, would likely be glossed over anyways.
Another SPOILER ALERT:
You also pointed out what the Nepenthes plant is in your reply and what it does but don't worry, I think it comes across clearly in the script (which is no small feat!) and even before I googled it after the read, I could see that's what you were describing.
The girl turning out to only appear superficially human and why her crying was so limited in scope was a great touch by the way. Super creepy, and a nice twist as I was actually expecting a more typical horror and not what is actually more of a creature feature.
Hey Sean, gave this a read cause I love scary and gruesome. Was going to post last night but I'm glad I didn't cause you've added some clarification with your title's meaning which has since added to my feedback.
SPOILERS BELOW:
The main thing for me is you're missing an entire Act in your story by way of some complication, twist, or added mythology to give this a satisfying ending - speaking obviously for myself here, and others may think differently.
And this is where your Nepenthes comes in. **
The thing is while I love scary and gruesome, suspense and a fight for survival are essential ingredients for me. Almost everyone dies in Alien and in The Descent and The Ruins, but it's the fight for survival that keeps us on edge to the finish. Your characters essentially fall into a pit of hell, (lured by little demonic girl) then gruesome stuff happens. The end. No good deed goes unpunished.
Which leads me back to this: ** Nepenthes - (I looked it up, had no idea what it meant) 1. LITERARY a drug described in Homer's Odyssey as banishing grief or trouble from a person's mind. 2.a plant of a genus that comprises the Old World pitcher plants.
So, you're going with the latter, the (killer) plant. I want that story, and some history of it.
But also I want to see it at the top of the script. It would make for a great visual and portend of what's to come.
Unless you make it the focal point (as the title suggests) it seems as if the well water is the culprit here.
Also, backtracking a bit:
BEN You heard what happened to Mark and Kathy. SUSAN Yeah. A little girl? In a well? What is this, The-fucking-Ring?
So this happened already to friends of theirs?
Not sure you'd even go there would you, if your friends already copped it? I wouldn't make references to The Ring either.
I don't know, perhaps if the little girl/ghoul played more of a role after they get down there, along with the plant.
Re the robotic tone of 'little girl's 'voice' - I thought Susan might be smart about that and debate this at least with Ben, but she ignores all her instincts, thus not too smart. While you could argue that not possessing smarts and logic is actually a well worn horror trope it didn't make entire sense that she ignores it. Challenging the little girl to have a conversation might be good and challenging Ben on the same subject too. Then a compelling reason why they still go down there. The Girl has been trapped with the lid on the well for God knows how long
Btw, do eighteen year olds refer to themselves as 'kids'?
This line:
a couple meant to be, but alas they haven’t tried shit. Is more suited to your prose version I think.
Loved the way the lid closes on them btw, (a great moment of dread and suspense) and I love a lot of your visuals. Needs more story involving the plant, and more of an ending though, imho.
The main thing for me is you're missing an entire Act in your story by way of some complication, twist, or added mythology to give this a satisfying ending - speaking obviously for myself here, and others may think differently.
And this is where your Nepenthes comes in. **
The thing is while I love scary and gruesome, suspense and a fight for survival are essential ingredients for me. Almost everyone dies in Alien and in The Descent and The Ruins, but it's the fight for survival that keeps us on edge to the finish. Your characters essentially fall into a pit of hell, (lured by little demonic girl) then gruesome stuff happens. The end. No good deed goes unpunished.
Which leads me back to this: ** Nepenthes - (I looked it up, had no idea what it meant) 1. LITERARY a drug described in Homer's Odyssey as banishing grief or trouble from a person's mind. 2.a plant of a genus that comprises the Old World pitcher plants.
So, you're going with the latter, the (killer) plant. I want that story, and some history of it.
But also I want to see it at the top of the script. It would make for a great visual and portend of what's to come.
Already got the gears turning in my head. Would be cool if one of the two teens was, like, a plant enthusiast, and has a few pitcher plants they take care of. They can explain how it works and such. Other character can be like, "Okay, nerd. I have something more interesting." Cut to, them arriving at the church/well and thus continuing the story. Just spitballing here obviously, but how does that sound as an idea just vomited into a thread post?
BEN You heard what happened to Mark and Kathy. SUSAN Yeah. A little girl? In a well? What is this, The-fucking-Ring?
So this happened already to friends of theirs?
Not sure you'd even go there would you, if your friends already copped it? I wouldn't make references to The Ring either.
So in the prose story, Mark and Kathy had arrived at the church to make out/do sexual things, but they heard the crying from the water well and fled the scene, thus telling their friends (our main characters) and having them come and investigate a supposed "ghost story".
The translation was a little lost there, now that I have typed that all out. Should probably clarify.
The Ring reference was also in the prose portion, but I know how it's kind of taboo to reference an actual film in screenplays.
I don't know, perhaps if the little girl/ghoul played more of a role after they get down there, along with the plant.
Re the robotic tone of 'little girl's 'voice' - I thought Susan might be smart about that and debate this at least with Ben, but she ignores all her instincts, thus not too smart. While you could argue that not possessing smarts and logic is actually a well worn horror trope it didn't make entire sense that she ignores it. Challenging the little girl to have a conversation might be good and challenging Ben on the same subject too. Then a compelling reason why they still go down there. The Girl has been trapped with the lid on the well for God knows how long
This is very true. Will work on Susan fighting a bit more after the unsettling situation of hearing the robotic tone of the girl, and how unnatural it sounds.
Just a thought, but what if the graves are those of Navy sailers who died shortly after returning to England from an expedition to the East Indies back in the 19th century? Soon after their burial legend has it that pretty much everything around the church like the grass, plants, trees etc died off (with the exception of the crows who only land on the church's roof) but no-one ever figured out why or what happened, and that's what brings the teens there.
So your plant monster thingy is essentially an invading species that hitched a ride on the back of those guys and then evolved/adapted to its environment.
Oh and perhaps drop the "God-fucking-dammit" line too. If it's set in England (and it should be cos our churches are way older and creepier!) it doesn't come across as something a Brit would say.
Just a thought, but what if the graves are those of Navy sailers who died shortly after returning to England from an expedition to the East Indies back in the 19th century? Soon after their burial legend has it that pretty much everything around the church like the grass, plants, trees etc died off (with the exception of the crows who only land on the church's roof) but no-one ever figured out why or what happened, and that's what brings the teens there.
So your plant monster thingy is essentially an invading species that hitched a ride on the back of those guys and then evolved/adapted to its environment.
Oh and perhaps drop the "God-fucking-dammit" line too. If it's set in England (and it should be cos our churches are way older and creepier!) it doesn't come across as something a Brit would say.
Hope that might help, Max
Love this idea. Thanks for the suggestion. Kind of reminds me of The Ruins in a way. I was going more for a cult-like reasoning, and that demonic practices were being made in the church. But yours sounds more original. Hehe.
The amount of "what the fucks" in this dialogue is giving me a brain aneurysm.
Loved this script and story, and not just because pitcher plants are some of my favourite plants of all time.
Best of luck with it
Hey Matt! Thanks for reading, and the comments! Glad you enjoyed it for what it was. I'll be sure work out some of the dialogue (I do tend to have a sailor's mouth so I project that onto my characters). Glad you have a love for pitcher plants as much as I do.
This an intriguing script, particularly near the end/ending when the horrific truth about the two character's circumstances and fate became clear.
There may be an opportunity to increase the momentum and stakes from the start if readers understood why Ben wanted to go into the well. He says to hunt for treasure but why, what does it mean for him to get the treasure? Is treasure hunting something he and his dad did? Did he lose something valuable down in the well? Solidifying your character's motives early (in addition to wanting to save the girl) could make that incredible ending possibly stronger if readers are that much more invested in these characters.
The narrative action effectively carries not only the plot/story but also the tone/mood, which can easily get overlooked, but not with lines like...
Quoted Text
The crows EXPLODE from the church and trees in a cacophony of CAWS and CRIES, disappearing into the distance.
Great job!
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Nepenthes
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