Queen of the Crawlies by Rob Herzog - Short, Horror - A young couple rents a bug-infested cottage and discovers that there is no escape. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Rob, gave this a read.


SPOILERS




I loved the opening, it's a really suspenseful, couple lost on a darkened road trying to find their holiday destination setup etc. Then we come across the physical manifestation of their nightmare - a bug-ridden hellhole etc.

Loved the mention of buying (or renting in this case, online), and it not being at all what was advertised. A true Airbnb nightmare is classic horror stuff. I am yet to watch Barbarian btw, but did read the script.

The glimpses of The Nightman and him following the couple back out onto the road would translate well to film. He appears to be a great bad guy, or evil entity. From the point however, that Cora aligns herself with the bad guy and finds the strength to take revenge on her husband (payback for abuse, I'm assuming) you lost me.

It becomes allegory, or symbolism maybe for Cora finding the strength to finally fight back and get rid of the vermin?

But, there's just not a satisfying link for me with too many unanswered questions to justify the jump re The Nightman who couldn't possibly know this couple's story etc. I think I might have bought this turn of events more had their been more Prologue or Flashback with Justin. You could argue horror nedds no rhyme or reason.

Ultimately this didn't go where I hoped it might and your denouement wasn't entirely satisfying for me. That said it's just one opinion. I think I'm just a bit over reading stories about abused women. I did love The Invisible Man and it examined similar themes interweaved with supernatural and horror.

This is a unique story for sure, and ultimately even if it took an unexpected detour for me, lots to like.
I'm interested to hear your thoughts...

Hey Rob,

Love your writing, and your dialogue. Your descriptions capture a certain mood particularly well. Short, sweet, and to the point, making it easy to visualize without spoon-feeding us detail after detail.

I was wondering where this was going. I knew the cottage to be a bad place, but when they left, I asked, "What next?" Which is great, and kept me going.

The ending was executed in such a way I wasn't expecting, both a pro and con. Loved the visual of Cora kissing The Night Man and when she pulls away, I just expect a gooey string of guts stretching from mouth to mouth, sorta a la Lady & The Tramp.

However, does this entity possess Cora, and she now becomes The Night Woman? We understand what happens after we FADE OUT, in that Cora kills Justin with the shard of glass. But, why? What possess her to do this? Was it the Night Man? Did he give her something, some sort of knowledge, to make her kill Justin? Was it her own control to help her overcome her abuser?

As a segue, the small exchange between Cora and Justin in regards to him being in control was a little out of the blue, in my opinion. It was a great thing to bring up in a story, however I felt it was out of place. What did this Night Man do to Cora to make her essentially fall out of love with Justin, and fall in love with him instead? When he blew out the candle, did he take her "light" away? What makes her happy and the woman Justin wanted to be with? When he blows out the candle, she suddenly speaks up, regarding abuse and other problems with their marriage. But, why? Additionally, I expected Cora to punch a hole through her cheek with her thumb.

(to add on to the moment she feels the bugs in her mouth, I suggest maybe make her spit, either out the window or in a bag/bucket (he's fishing/hunting, right?) or something. To Justin, it's her being carsick and she's spitting because her mouth is filling with saliva because of said nausea. To Cora, it's because she feels the cockroaches and other bugs crawling around in her mouth)

This is certainly a setup for a full feature if you were ever considering expanding the story. Who is The Night Man? Why so many bugs? Does the position of The Night Man pass on from one living being to another, with whomever visits the cottage? You have some potential here, with questions yet to be answered. Granted, this is a short, there will always be questions. I would love to know answers to them, whether you have them or not.

Otherwise, wonderful job.

Stay spooked!

Sean

Hi Rob, read the script.

The writing is really good and effective for a horror story to setup the atmosphere and dread that are necessary. However, the overall story did feel a tad incomplete to me. The ending downplayed the whole terror and the hypnosis kind of thing that the Night Man does to Cora after which she speaks up to her husband about their not so good marriage, felt abrupt and OTN, tbh. I feel that the marriage angle can be done better to highlight the estrangement between them so that it plays a stronger role in the overall story.

Good luck.

Hey Rob,

These pages effectively created a creepy tone/mood, particularly the kiss, which was deliciously disgusting with the bugs. Cronenberg-esque in my minds eye.

As others have mentioned, digging a little into the married couple's tension could make the ending stick all the better. There are also moments of non-filmable, which is always tricky because they can leave readers wondering how do we know.

Quoted Text How she's longed for this. She will never let him go. She could stay like this forever. She is the queen of the roaches from this moment on.

These lines may not even be necessary because these ideas/beats are captured through cinematic action with lines like...

Quoted Text When they end their kiss, her lips are caked with the residue of mashed bugs from the Night Man's mouth. She licks with delight.

Reads like she's pretty into it. And...

Quoted Text A thousand skittering, foul cockroach eyes gaze upon her, bearing witness to what happens next.

Reads like a queen.

Well done! Keep up the good work!

BLB.