Bob's Big Break by Steven Dilworth (steven writing as PK Chesterton - Short, Romance, Horror - A man with a socially unacceptable hobby seeks peace and happiness in a new town with a wonderful woman, only to find the frying pan he was in wasn't so bad after all. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Honestly, I don't know what happened at the end. Seemed like a horror-comic confrontation to me. But everything up until the end was interesting and nicely written. Maybe a little more context was needed for someone like me.

Good luck.

Ahoy writer - my thoughts haven't changed from earlier -.I know things are rather serious around here, was this your attempt to lighten the mood? You too - clearly the work of a Simply Script veteran. Anywaz, in general,  I thought these pages do a good job drawing the reader into what is a well-written story, but where you lost me was in the final two pages -- I wished you had done something different, but that's just me, myself, and I.

Overall, a very good entry though. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

Okay, well I'll give it to you for absurdist comedy/horror but it's not really my thing.

I was left scratching my head when everything went a little nuts. Inventive for sure.  

Hmm, I found this quite difficult to follow with the flashbacks, VOs, and short scenes...

The absurdist ending reminded me of an X-file, so marks for that.

The V.O seem entirely unnecessary to me.

I quite liked the back and forth storytelling, intrigue was building but then I have no idea what happened at the end or why.

I loved the addiction to all things "X-mas"! Story-wise, it was pretty good until the dark lord stuff started, then it sort of went off the rails for me. Just fix the ending and it will be a big improvement.

A few typos... I'm not a grammar nazi, at all, but I did notice some words that stood out. You have two consecutive sentences with these, smoothly, slowly, and smoothly. Nothing really wrong with it, but if I was reading out loud, my tongue might actually stumble. Maybe even trip and fall.

Other than that, great job!  

Hey writer,

Nice work. Appreciate the addiction to Hallmark — you had it all with the sweater and especially the cocoa. They love cocoa in Xmas mows. Anyway, Jenny as some sort of Netherworld beast lost me a little. It would have been nice to know what that note said, then the rest might have added up for me.

Either way, good work!

Steve

I liked where this was going with all the fuzzy warm x-mas addiction, then in walks a minion from some inverted dark multiverse… mind you I still liked it after that too, just not entirely clued in as to what went down in the end, and it seems like this is not your first ro-day-o, so not sure what kind of feedback I could give you that others haven’t already, best of luck.

Let me get this off my chest.  As the "Hallmark Girl" who spends an inordinate amount of time writing this drivel, I feel personally attacked.    Just kidding of course.

This was actually very witty and I certainly "get" Bob/Bert's addiction.  Of course, this is obviously the work of a pro and just reading offerings like this teaches me so much about form, formatting, etc. I'm trying really hard to emulate this even if I seem to have a hopeless case of "format dyslexia".  I did like the story a lot, but like SAC above, I was a little confused about Jenny turning into some sort of monstrous insect.  And what was written on the note?  I could have done with a bit more clarity on those two things, but then again, maybe I missed clues?  

Thanks so much for sharing this on the OWC.  It was a pleasure to read.  Now off to my "Hallmark Addicts Anonymous" meeting.  

Best of luck!

Kathy

I like the idea of an all things Christmas addiction, but it was just tossed in there. Would like to have seen it sprinkled throughout. I think that would have helped me connect to Bob, because that's kind of an endearing obsession.

CAMERA POV and JENNY POV...unnecessary. Takes reader out of the story.

Definitely didn't understand the ending. Were these insect creatures the reason he had to move? Then they followed him? Tormenting him because he loves Christmas? Like insect Grinches?

It was definitely entertaining. Great imagination!

Best of luck.

Hmm, this story was a challenge for me. It didn't tick any boxes
and I really dislike flashbacks. With that said, my favorite scene
was a flashback — the boardroom.
I guess I liked the story when Bob was dealing with his condition
while away from home, doing his job. In the presence of others.
I thought Jenny came on a little too strong, but can see that was
the intention considering the story's end. No complaints about the
writing and I'm okay with the VO.
Sorry, I have nothing to offer. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for reading and taking the time to comment.  While I'm glad most folks seemed to like my writing, and at least a large portion of the story, it is obvious that my attempt to show (or at least be subtle) and not 'tell' the reveal, was less than successful.  The answer to all the questions regarding the last two pages would not be found in the note, it would be answered by this: Where does this little anti-vignette take place?

Clues:

1) It's always night

2) Bob is the "Best cook this side of the river." -- What river?

3) Where might an addiction/obsession with Christmas actually be considered so dangerous you'd send an undercover agent to root out the truth?  An agent who might employ a false note -- a MacGuffin, to drive the quarry into revealing himself, before dropping the disguise and morphing into their true giant insect form?

4) Why would this bug-creature refer to any place as "...our beautiful Netherworld...", unless the whole thing took place in....

Quoted from steven8 Thank you all so much for reading and taking the time to comment.  While I'm glad most folks seemed to like my writing, and at least a large portion of the story, it is obvious that my attempt to show (or at least be subtle) and not 'tell' the reveal, was less than successful.  The answer to all the questions regarding the last two pages would not be found in the note, it would be answered by this: Where does this little anti-vignette take place? Clues: 1) It's always night 2) Bob is the "Best cook this side of the river." -- What river? 3) Where might an addiction/obsession with Christmas actually be considered so dangerous you'd send an undercover agent to root out the truth?  An agent who might employ a false note -- a MacGuffin, to drive the quarry into revealing himself, before dropping the disguise and morphing into their true giant insect form? 4) Why would this bug-creature refer to any place as "...our beautiful Netherworld...", unless the whole thing took place in....

Okay, no one took my quiz, so I thought about just dropping the whole thing.  But hey!, I'm not the Ed Wood of Simply Scripts for nothing, so I decided to keep on kicking this dead horse.  I changed Jenny's next to last bit of dialog to make the reveal more understandable.

Ahoy Steven - well since you put it thataway -- it makes sense now. Definitely think all the subtleness worked against you here. Maybe if I had given it a second pass I would've made all those connections; Netherworld, his unholiness, ect...  

Anywaz, still a pretty good entry. _ghostie gal