The Blue Room by John Stone - Short, Horror - The untimely murder of three of his friends is too much to take for rock legend Jackson Lee as he uncovers a sinister plot that will effect civiliasation as we know it. 57 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Wow. This went from being a 32-page Kiki Carruthers episode to a 56-page feature of its own with Detective Lucy Gold. I wonder if there will be a crossover with the two detectives.

This reads much better and the added content provided extra depth and not just more story. The story became less mysterious and more creepy.

I do have a comment and a typo.

On the first page, the cashier asks (knowingly), “Are you Jackson Lee from the group Incandescence?”
I’m not sure if it’s a British thing to word the question like that but if I were in their shoes, I would not include the words, “the group”. I would ask, “Are you Jackson Lee from Incandescence?” or, if the band were well known like Pink Floyd or Led Zepplin, I would ask, “Are you Jackson Lee?” If it’s a British thing, or if the band were not quite famous, then including “the group” is obviously appropriate.

In the last action line at the bottom of page 17, I don’t think Detective’s should have an apostrophe since I don’t think it’s possessive.  I’m also not sure if Detectives should be capitalized since their titles are not being used with their names. I know you hate typos more than I do, otherwise I probably wouldn’t point this out unless there were others.

I have been waiting for the re-issue of this story for a while and I was not disappointed. Thanks.

Thanks for the comments Michael. I’m happy you liked this updated version. I’ve been looking at ways to subtly improve the dramatic tension without changing the plot. I agree with some of your thoughts like Detectives as opposed to Detective’s and capitalising when unnecessary. The group question I think I got right though you were right to mention that there are other ways the cashier could’ve asked him that question. It felt right to me at the time but now that you’ve mentioned it makes me think. However it is a small adjustment if any. Like always you deliver with feedback and it is always valued. This is still a way to go and the conclusion is temporary. I will enhance and turn up the heat eventually. Many thanks for your thoughts.

John,

I usually don't read these types of scripts, but I was looking for a short read... It pulled me in, and I found myself searching for the actual location of this tower.

You writers on the other side of the pond have great imaginations. It's either the fish and chips or something is in the water.

Very inventive.

Frank Dellipoala

Quoted from frank j John, I usually don't read these types of scripts, but I was looking for a short read... It pulled me in, and I found myself searching for the actual location of this tower. You writers on the other side of the pond have great imaginations. It's either the fish and chips or something is in the water. Very inventive. Frank Dellipoala

Actually It’s the Vindaloo and Cobra beer. Ha!