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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Through The Rabbit Hole
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  Author    Through The Rabbit Hole  (currently 383 views)
Don
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Through The Rabbit Hole by Steven Dilworth - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A pair of physicists brave the unknown while experimenting with the building blocks of existence. 6 pages

A reworking of A Line Crossed - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Not an avid reader in the sci-fi genre but still gave this one a read.

Right off the bat I noticed that there is no slugline after the FADE IN. On what are the historical photos displayed? Maybe it meant to be ON SCREEN, do write it.

Quoted Text
DAVID
It's all in there, ready to go. The
second they they start the stream,
I pop this baby in the slot, and
our coils turn from decelerators
into accelerators.

Typo spotted in the dialog.

Overall a nice story. I think you can expand it into a feature, by which it may not sound surreal. I mean it is CERN for God's sake( you get what I want to say right? ).

Good luck.




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steven8
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review.  I'm glad you liked the story concept.  It took me four times reading through the quoted text to realize what you meant.  I removed one of the 'they's.

I thought it would be obvious just starting with the images at the beginning and a voice over, but I added QUICK MONTAGE as a shot reference, to be safe.

I think I know what you mean about CERN.  Do you mean because it is a big deal the script could be bigger?
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 11th, 2020, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Thanks for the review.  I'm glad you liked the story concept.  It took me four times reading through the quoted text to realize what you meant.  I removed one of the 'they's.


No problem.


Quoted from steven8
I thought it would be obvious just starting with the images at the beginning and a voice over, but I added QUICK MONTAGE as a shot reference, to be safe.


It might be obvious to you but not for a reader. Photos can be displayed in a number of ways like an 'inserted shot' of a desktop/laptop screen or a smartphone screen or from a projector or from a camera itself. I personally thought that John or David was seeing the photos on his computer screen.


Quoted from steven8
I think I know what you mean about CERN.  Do you mean because it is a big deal the script could be bigger?


Yes you got it correct.

Generally with an idea like this where the protaganist messes around in a sophisticated scientific facility, you have to lay down a proper ground for his/her actions. Curiosity alone cannot justify their course of actions. Scientists are curious no doubt about that but why would they risk the lives of others and themselves if they are unaware of the outcome. I know they take risks but it ain't as simple as putting a flash drive in.

In a short you can't answer these questions because of the obvious reason that it is a short. You have limited time and limited pages, it is understandable. But in a feature you can go the miles of laying out your character's valid motivations and desires to go to a 'rabbit hole'( I don't know if it is an actual term.) and plus you can also write some interesting twists and turns.

Anyways it is your script and you hold the reigns for it.

Good luck.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Yuvraj  -  May 11th, 2020, 6:26am
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steven8
Posted: May 12th, 2020, 5:24am Report to Moderator
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The term originates from Alice in Wonderland:  https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/go+down+the+rabbit+hole

Your are right about the greater possibilities of the concept.  Perhaps I may look into fleshing it out.  Thanks for taking the time to give me your feedback.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2020, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
The term originates from Alice in Wonderland:  https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/go+down+the+rabbit+hole


Thanks for the info.


Quoted from steven8
Your are right about the greater possibilities of the concept.  Perhaps I may look into fleshing it out.  Thanks for taking the time to give me your feedback.


Your welcome. And good luck with the script.



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