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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Mouth of the Gift Horse - OWC
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  Author    The Mouth of the Gift Horse - OWC  (currently 484 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Mouth of the Gift Horse by Someone Too Quickly - A SWAT team responds to the weirdest callout ever, not realizing the fate of the planet is at stake.

The Gift - S3E32
  - Short, Sci Fi


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steven8
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Now, I knew it was going to be something good, or there'd be no irony, but I didn't connect the dots on my own.  It makes sense that the police were over-terrified Americans.  As we've all learned in the last few years, aliens are mostly diseased rapists and criminals.
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spesh2k
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. It was well written. I do think that it's pretty damn close to the TZ episode it was inspired by, maybe a little too close. And, maybe I need to go back and read the rules again for this challenge, but I'm pretty sure it said "low budget". This one definitely wasn't low budget -- been seeing a lot of shorts with big set pieces.

I liked the twist -- though it's current, I have a hard time believing the aliens would come all the way to earth to give us a vaccine for COVID. I realize that it's affected millions and killed far too many people, but the impact of the reveal didn't feel very strong. And that reveal, the COVID vaccine, was pretty much the only twist on the original TZ episode, really.

Other than that, the dialogue was real strong -- the Pegg character was kinda funny, not up to date on current trends and technology. And his "They speak American" line was good. Overall, pretty good, I enjoyed it.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Mmmmmm... me too, need to go back and read the rules, I thought no COVID scripts allowed. Just kidding. Not sure I was suppose to laugh, but found some of it funny. Pegg was kinda quirky. Some very nice writing on display. Great descriptive touches. Dialogue A+. Not much to add.

Anywaz, hats off & GL with it. -A


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Gum
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Okay, I see what you did there, but only cause it resonates pretty much on par with the original. The idea is the same, somewhat, but the stakes have changed regarding the gift; cure a virus as opposed to a disease.

The takeaway here, I guess, is the visitor wanting to return Earth to its former lifeline, before all this lock-step bullshit, but I digress. We’re moving into a different state of thinking, wherein the people don’t really need healing anymore, we’re pretty much done for… it’s the planet they want to save. The gift, in my opinion should have been a big ol’ nuke that kills humans only… the great reset without any boundaries.

Writing is good IMO, and you got a knack for dialog, so kudos to the entry and working the story into the modern-day trivialities that everyone has gobbled up hook-line-and sinker.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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This one fits more in the re-write space, fine with that.

The writing is okay, though not all the jokes landed for me.

Covid, really, okay I'll let it slide.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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spesh2k
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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My main issue with this one was the COVID vaccine reveal at the end -- it just seems like something that can (and I think will be) attainable and made possible by humans. Especially if someone were to read this a year or two from now, it might seem silly.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Tongue in cheek entertainment that doesn't take itself seriously and yet isn't a pisser at all. I enjoyed this, I found it funny, well written and poignant. Great job.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer!

Well done on getting in an entry.


Quoted Text
LANSING
The Doctor means that he's not in the
picture, so it can't be a selfie.


This! I so hate any picture now being called a "selfie" - drives me nuts. In the news there was the line "Man takes a selfie with hijacker" - but someone else took the picture, so it's just a bloody picture not a selfie!... sorry, I digress.


Quoted Text
PEGG
He speaks American?


Not heard of that language before.

Covid vaccine, cue eye-roll lol I've had enough of that bloody virus. I guess you wrote this purely for the challenge and not to actually be produced? because that Covid ending gives your script a very short shelf-life.

It was well written, nice and concise and flowed fine. It was comical but not overly funny. Lansing seems a bit of a pointless character. Could have just kept it at the Doctor and Pegg.

Overall, not bad





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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 27th, 2020, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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IMHO, this was not really a new spin on an existing idea. It was basically the exact same story. All you did was change cancer to Covid-19 and placed the event in a parking lot. The writing was fine, but you failed the mission, IMO.


.
SS, is still free...
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JEStaats
Posted: October 27th, 2020, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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"You don't have kids, do you?" I don't know why, but that made me laugh.

Great dialogue. Loved the banter. I wish the cure was something other than COVID...maybe cellulite, liver spots, or baldness.

High marks for writing. Almost too close for comfort to the original, though.
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Fais85
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Wow! One of the best I have read so far. This was funny and interesting. Well -written.

I didn't see the ending coming. Great funny twist.

If not the winner then I am sure this will be in the Top 3.
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Conz
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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How have I never seen this episode? It doesn’t even sound familiar. Guess I need to go back and watch.

I like how you just jumped into this story.
I
like to use “shoots a glance” a lot, but I’d recommend steering clear of that in scenes involving a bunch of guns. Nitpick

I imagine people are telling you think alien discussion/selfie bit is bogging it down, but I love a little injection of levity.

… although as I read on, this whole sketch type back and forth with the doctor and cops is getting a little long in the tooth. too schticky.

No idea what ichor is, but I’ll roll with it.

Yeah, it got a little tedious there, but I enjoyed it I guess. Cops got annoying in the end.

Great little twist to modernize this, but it really is just a re-write. I also like how the original uses an alien that looks like man better too, but I understand using the Grey to get all that explanation/realization out of the way for a 6 page max limit.

Not bad.


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Claudio
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Technically well-written, but I wanted more from the ending.

I got the vibe that this was a British writer. Some of the dialogue felt a bit unnatural, but it flowed for the most part.

I was hoping for more of a deviation from the original. I don't really like the Covid vaccine idea.

I wanted more! Clearly a good writer. Decent effort.


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LC
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Xenophobes beware. Well, I think Aliens count in that lot.

Not bad. Not really a new spin, just a new cure in place of cancer in the original, but some nice touches of light humour.


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