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Author |
Still Life - OWC (currently 1311 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 8th, 2023, 7:40am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Still Life by John E. Staats (JEStaats) writing as My Name Here - Short, Fantasy, Superhero - Some super powers just prolong the inevitable. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - April 22nd, 2023, 7:39am | revised draft | | |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 8th, 2023, 9:31am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Ah that's a really good one.
Touchy and makes great sense. Nice play of a timeline and a great idea too. Sorry, no other feedback from me. I have to learn to be at this level |
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Reply: 1 - 17 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 8th, 2023, 4:40pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Great take on the challenge and love the visuals with the reveal. It was obvious for the reader that Old Bert was Albert but you could've just left it at Old Man since his name is never spoken.
Where I'm torn is that there were many missing and extra words throughout. This must have been written in a hurry without proofing? Friendly tip: Have someone else read it for you to note the little slip ups. An easy edit/revision will do wonders for the flow.
Regardless, the entry met the OWC requirements and was quite clever. Good job, writer. |
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Reply: 2 - 17 |
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dawnpisturino |
Posted: April 8th, 2023, 4:47pm |
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Posts16 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hello.
This reminded me of something from Twilight Zone. I love the use of the VHS to tell Albert's story and his current condition. Great twist! |
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Reply: 3 - 17 |
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LC |
Posted: April 8th, 2023, 11:53pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Okay, well it sure did take its time (Haha, pun there) getting to the punchline, but it was worth it. A funny and sad, 'careful what you wish for' tale. |
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Reply: 4 - 17 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 9th, 2023, 11:27am |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Well written i enjoyed this one although maybe a little suspense on the old bert/albert would have helped. A nice story of Father time Good job on entering |
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Reply: 5 - 17 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 9th, 2023, 5:36pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
A fair few typos that another read through would catch (unkept-unkempt, and old dirty bathrobe-an, etc).
Liked this, reminds me of an old Twilight Zone (or maybe Outer Limits) but with a nice dose of sardonic humour.
Good job! |
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Reply: 6 - 17 |
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kcranford |
Posted: April 9th, 2023, 6:36pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
A depressing but realistic tale of what might happen when we interrupt the time continuum. A tale of human miscalculation - and yes, a contender as quite the Twilight Zone episode. Like others, I liked the VHS serving as a memory bank of what "Old Bert" chose as his superpower and then his late in life sarcastic commentary on the events. As above, there were some typos and inconsistencies here and there, but overall a thought provoking and formidable entry. Thank you for sharing, writer! |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 7 - 17 |
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Rob |
Posted: April 10th, 2023, 7:58pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I liked Bert's grumpy nature, particularly his "Seen it, hated it, seen it," line. You handled the challenge creatively. |
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Reply: 8 - 17 |
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MichaelYu |
Posted: April 11th, 2023, 3:33am |
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Posts93 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Hi,
I liked the young Albert's choice that'd get people out of danger and also liked his bravery. It seems the ending was a bit rushed and perhaps, you wrote in a hurry to meet the deadline.
If I were you, I would tell us more about the young Albert and add an obstacle for the old Albert to overcome as he used his superpower or before he used it. To make the superpower more dramatic.
Michael |
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Reply: 9 - 17 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 11th, 2023, 10:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
This is a great tale, well written. Love the take you took on this.
Not much more to add really.
Good work |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 10 - 17 |
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RolandJ |
Posted: April 12th, 2023, 12:59am |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts105 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Now here's a script about everyone's fantasy -- if they could stop time. But they didn't think that stopping time would also stop everyone and everything. Even people you didn't know. As old Bert contemplates getting his father back-- but there's some issues here---it would help if this reveql was more fully developed. I'd have love to know what was behind the final "..ah fuck it!" at the power and the mistake he made with his choice of power. When he says "...Time's up.,." Does his power still work in reverse...can he undo time and just let it all happen...the meteor crash and burn, killing millions. Not so much fun living amongst a power. I agree with most of the comments. The story needs reworking for the simple reason its such a good story, Like the old TWILIGHT ZONE and the OUTER LIMITS. it plays with the same emotional turmoil that drove those episodes. Good work writer. Hope to see more of your work in future OWC'S. |
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Reply: 11 - 17 |
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CoastalMainer |
Posted: April 12th, 2023, 9:36am |
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New
Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Years ago, I wrote a short story about a kid who had a hard time with sports. For some reason (I don't recall all the details) he was bestowed with the ability to slow time. At the batter box, he used to be struck out each time, but with this new power he could slow time, and hit the ball. In the end, his brain couldn't keep up and he became trapped in the moment, while the rest of the world carried on without him.
I got a D from the teacher. She didn't get it. It's been about 50 years, but, yeah, I'm not bitter.
Anyhoo, I love the premise. As stated by others, who wouldn't want such an opportunity?
I enjoyed the VHS reference as the world has moved on, no new technology will be invented. He's stuck to grow older and die while all around him are simply frozen in time.
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| Picking up hookers instead of my pen I let the words of my youth fade away.
"My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys," Sharon Vaughn |
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Reply: 12 - 17 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 12th, 2023, 6:09pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy writer, I won't try to offer any real analysis of these six pages. Enjoyed the read. Luv the title. Good job. Definitely a SS vet. Too bad we won't be voting. Best of Irish luck! -A |
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Reply: 13 - 17 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 13th, 2023, 5:39pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Ha! Loved it.
Didn't see that one coming.
Good job. One of the best. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 14 - 17 |
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SAC |
Posted: April 13th, 2023, 6:27pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Nice job on this! Not a wasted page here, and a smart concise story. The only thing is… Why time? Why the ability to stop time? A good explanation for this would have out this one over the top for me. Good as is, but just sayin.
Steve |
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Reply: 15 - 17 |
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Don |
Posted: May 10th, 2023, 4:31pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Reply: 16 - 17 |
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LC |
Posted: May 10th, 2023, 7:19pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Great job, Matt! Hope John's script gets picked up. |
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