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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Vamp
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  Author    The Vamp  (currently 405 views)
Don
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
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The Vamp by Ramzan Amjad - Short, Thriller - A cop which is good at his duty become hunt of a vamp which is good at hunting. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Your title page is different then THE VAMP.

I would lose the camera directions.

On page 1 - looks English might not be your first language which makes this a tough read.


Quoted Text

MARK
Yes ! Detective Mark is speaking.
No reply.


No reply is formatted as dialogue - should be formatted as action.

Okay - stopping. There are many errors - take a look at some escripts.

Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: June 7th, 2017, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Wow, two vampire shorts in a row, they must be coming back.

So I agree with eldave on all his points. I did read it all the way through though.

It's not very long but for what actually happens it a lot of writing.

Formatting errors, grammatical errors and camera directions throughout make this a tough read with no payoff.

Just keep reading scripts and practice.

Good luck


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