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This was an interesting little micro-short with an almost-Shakespearean twist to it that is still relevant in today's #metoo culture. Though I commend the story, it's the writing and dialogue that kind of holds it back a little bit. Once that gets smoothed out, I really think you got something. You already have the foundation laid down.
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INT. BEDROOM OF MIKE & SHARON - NIGHT
The bedroom is modern, neat, but for the RUFFLED BED.
The full moonlight peering thru the window gives us a dim view of Sharon standing by the bedside in her night gown.
Standing at the open door, the passage back light gives us a more clear view of Mike wearing a business suit. 38' SNUB in his hand, by his side, barrel still smoking.
The wording reads a little off, even in the scene heading. And there's a redundancy -- you mention "the bedroom" when we already know we're in the bedroom (in the scene heading). And I'm not sure why RUFFLED BED is capitalized nor do I see what kind of bearing a ruffled bed has in the visual or the story. Is a ruffled bed not modern and neat? Did you mean a messy bed?
Also, I don't mind the use of "we see" and "us" in screenplays as long as it's used sparingly -- just like anything anyone would write in a script (like using the same words a lot, referring to characters by their first names in back-to-back sentences, etc, for example). I think you can give us a stronger, more sudden visual if worded differently, without the "us" being used. I found myself kinda stopping to figure out what kind of visual you wanted. It just reads a bit wordy.
Also, there's no transition into the scene -- no FADE IN: or OPEN ON: to take us to the bedroom. Not too big of a deal, it does the same job just by being there. But some may nitpick.
And you should CAP your characters when introducing them.
I would also suggest having Sharon doing something a little more cinematic than just standing by her bedside. Especially since this is a surreal piece, maybe have her gazing out the window. Just a stronger opening visual.
INT. MIKE & SHARON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
SHARON (age, description) stands by the window, gazing sadly at the moonlit sky. A SILHOUETTE stands in the background, at the doorway. The figure steps into the light --
Wearing a business suit, MIKE (age, description) stares at her ruefully while loosely gripping a revolver, wisps of smoke still rising from its barrel.
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SHARON DAMMIT MIKE! Must you come here every night.. Have you not fucked up my life enough.
MIKE I just came to say I'm sorr...
SHARON ..SORRY! Sorry will not cut what you done to me. Now leave me alone and stop keep coming around every night. For once I'd like a good nights sleep.
MIKE My love.. PLEASE, this is as hard for me as it for you. ..FORGIVE ME and we can both be set free.
Mike still holding the 38' snub by his side. Barrel still smoking. Sharon walks over to the window where the full moon light upon her reveals the one side of her head half BLOWN AWAY.
Not sure if that's the kind of dialogue you want to open the story with. Especially when it's in all caps, it sounds like she's screaming at him. Also, the dialogue following feels a bit stilted and unnatural. Not sure who says "My love" anymore. But that could be just me.
She continues to gaze out the window, not even turning to him.
SHARON You can't keep coming here like this.
A pregnant silence as Mike stares at her longingly.
SHARON Why can't you just let me sleep?
Mike takes a deep, anguished breath.
MIKE I'm sorry.
Sharon turns away from the window, to Mike -- half of her head is blown off.
Just suggesting that less can be more, specifically with the dialogue. As of now, it sounds a bit forced, like you're trying to reveal info to the reader rather than having us figure it out visually.
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SHARON FREE! YOU SHOT ME IN THE FUCKEN HEAD! And you want me to forgive you.
MIKE A fit of RAGE.. What you expect. I come home from a business trip to find you in our bed with another man.
Again, doesn't sound natural at all. You don't need to spoon feed us everything, we can see what's going on with the visual of the gun and the visual of her with her head blown apart.
I'm going to continue with what I suggested above...
SHARON Sorry doesn't change what you did.
Mike falls to tears.
Then maybe try to find a way to show the rest visually instead of forcing it into dialogue. What if you just had a flashback of him getting home, seeing a MAN leave his house. Then he goes in and sees his wife asleep naked or something like that?
Then maybe cut back to present and let it play out naturally. Take your time with it. I'm sure making this 3 pages instead of 2 wouldn't hurt.
Again, I really liked the concept, as sad and unfortunate as the story is. Just needs a little retooling in the writing department.
As this is an open view script discussion board we are open to the views and opinions to all that post.. Its a collective that makes us better writers. Where we can take a simple 2 page script and see what we can take out of it.. or put into it.
Its with this.. Lets break this one down.
Michael. Your comments made, read to me as the way YOU would have written it. Nothing wrong with that. Sure it could have been written in many ways. If it was written as per your points made, it be a sad romantic story;
- Sharon stands by the window, gazing sadly at the moonlit sky. A silhouette stands...
- A pregnant silence as Mike stares at her longingly...
- Mike takes a deep anguished breath...
- Mike falls to tears...
Had it been written as a sad romantic story, then your points above would be valid. I chose to write it as a suspense/thriller.
To give debate, to answer your questions/points.. give reason to why I wrote it as such; (Keeping in mind its a 2 pager)
1. Ruffled bed.. Did you mean messy bed. ~ RUFFLED tells me SEX. Messy tells me sloppy bad house keeping. The part where Mike is holding a 38' in the door way, and Sharon by the bed side... RUFFLED bed says a lot more that having to write it out.
2. I should have CAPPED my characters on introduction. ~ As a 2 pager with only 2 characters, I felt I had done so in the opening scene heading INT. BEDROOM OF MIKE & SHARONS - NIGHT.
3. I should transition into scenes. Eg; FADE IN / OUT. ~ 2 Pager, 3 scenes, 1 location. Suspense/thriller must move fast, not break the flow with transitions that don't fit.
4. I should have given characters a description and age. ~ 2 Pager, 2 characters. The opening scene heading has told us all we need to know about them... MAN and WOMAN in THEIR bedroom at NIGHT. Describing Sharon as a slender tall blond blue eyed, 25 years old.. Would not give the story any more strength / meaning (In a feature script yes). Further to, the characters are mostly in shadow/dim light.
5. I should have a strong opening visual (Sharon gazing out the window). ~ Again, not a sad romantic story. As a suspense story.. I build from a suspense moment.
6. It sounds like she's screaming at him. ~ Because she is screaming at him.
7. I should have written; Mike falls in tears. ~ Again not a sad romantic story. Had it been Mike's first encounter, then yes he'd be sad / regretful . But, the story tells us early (7th sentences in = DAMMIT MIKE! Must you come here every night. ) that Mike has been here many times, for the purpose of getting her forgiveness for what he had done in the past. Further to, he knows he is in a dreaming.
Again, I thank you for your input and look forward to more inputs you may have.
Regards, Barry John Terblanche
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
I wasn't saying to write it exactly as I did, I was just trying to show other alternatives because, as of now, it's poorly written. The dialogue is stilted. It's all forced exposition, which makes it sound completely unnatural. You're force feeding us information via dialogue.
As for the description, your wording is awkward and poorly structured. And I'm not sure what your idea of a suspense-thriller is, but there's not suspense OR thrills. It's a sad, depressing story. Having your characters SCREAM and CURSE in all caps doesn't make it suspenseful or thrilling.
You always CAP your characters in description, regardless if it's in the scene heading or not. It's really basic screenwriting - as is giving your characters descriptions and ages. Regardless if you're writing a two-pager or a feature. It's screenwriting 101.
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3. I should transition into scenes. Eg; FADE IN / OUT. ~ 2 Pager, 3 scenes, 1 location. Suspense/thriller must move fast, not break the flow with transitions that don't fit.
How exactly does that break the flow of the story by opening the story? Your arguments make zero sense. It's screenwriting 101. You're CLEARLY a beginner. And this isn't just an argument of "writing style". This is basic stuff everyone knows. These aren't "my views". This is just how it is.
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5. I should have a strong opening visual (Sharon gazing out the window). ~ Again, not a sad romantic story. As a suspense story.. I build from a suspense moment.
Your argument holds no weight. What was so suspenseful about Sharon standing at the side of her bed. It's unimaginative. You're talking about keeping the pace fast and thrilling, yet your opening image is weak and boring. And you keep saying my suggestions are more fitting for a sad, romantic love story... but you have her going to the window seconds later! What in God's name are you talking about, "sad, romantic story"?
As for my suggested description only working if it were a sad, romantic story... again, the story IS sad. You mention "moonlight" in your description, but it's poorly worded and poorly structured. And I didn't know every movie with someone staring out a window or crying was sad and romantic.
Now, I've been writing screenplays for a very long time. But it doesn't take a an experienced writer to know that the writing really, really needs a lot of work. Some of my suggestions can be "take it or leave it". But, in regards to basic formatting, it's more just "take it". Not sure where you get your information from regarding some of this formatting stuff.
Anyway, best of luck with it. Hopefully, you keep working on your craft and learning.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Thank you for your read and respected input/advise.
With regard to your emphasis to my poor formatting, dialogue and grammar, so right - I rewrote the script accordingly, and what a difference! It reads smoother yet more powerful.
I'll be taking a lot out of this.
* MICHAEL, and thank you too. In my rewrite I took heed to your advise as well. In particular, I changed my opening to have Sharon standing by the window gazing sadly at the moonlit sky. I found it gave the ending more meaning.
Again, thank you both.
Barry John
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
Thank you for your read and respected input/advise.
With regard to your emphasis to my poor formatting, dialogue and grammar, so right - I rewrote the script accordingly, and what a difference! It reads smoother yet more powerful.
I'll be taking a lot out of this.
* MICHAEL, and thank you too. In my rewrite I took heed to your advise as well. In particular, I changed my opening to have Sharon standing by the window gazing sadly at the moonlit sky. I found it gave the ending more meaning.
This is not your dream, this is my dream. Great line.
The filmmaker did very nicely with the Montage too. Very nice! You should be very happy with this one.
Of course he didn't deserve her forgiveness so I'm glad he didn't get it.
P.S. Just read the script and it filled in a gap I misinterpreted. Co-worker in the kitchen, he drops a PILL (it dissolves) into a glass of water
Hmm, I seemed to have glossed over that and thought Mike did it. It adds another layer that the colleague drugged her and Sharon was not guilty and not deserving of the retribution dished out. Not that infidelity is ever a crime worthy of her fate, mind you.
Thank you all for your valid comments! Much appreciated. The filmmaker is knowledgeable about this... I have shared this and the site info with him. He is in reproduction in accordance. Thank's to you all. I'll release his new version when it is out.
Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one? Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger. https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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