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Well now, a nice little departure from all things RomCom.
Yes, I know this is your more usual fare, Marnie.
First off, I loved the title. Works on more than one level.
The whole snake metaphor is great.
The only real hiccup for me was this: JERRY Shut the fuck up about snakes! My father gave me this tattoo as a punishment...for stealing a pack of his cigarettes! I was thirteen! Did time for marking me up! And for other fucked up shit he did to me and my sister. Just want it gone!
I just thought it could be worked in a bit more naturally, even reluctantly on Jerry's part. He appears a bit too talky here and it comes across a bit expositional. Either have Max probe a bit more as to how Jerry got the tattoo or maybe break up those two lines?
JERRY Well, you’ll know tomorrow. I’m everything my father said I was.] Maybe delete that first line? Maybe: ...You'll see...
Here there's reason for this (below) cause Max is about to do the big reveal. MAX My father abused the hell out of me too. Told me I was stupid and beat me every fucking day.
As is it still works perfectly fine but I think Max should play a bit more dumb and 'confide in me'. Not sure about the gun in one hand, tattooing with the other. Obviously that segues into his shaking hand, but wouldn't he put the gun in his pocket or conceal it somewhere ready to grab? Could the coke just make him jittery like he says? I'm on the fence here.
All my quibbles are nitpicks really.
You built up some great suspense here cause I didn't twig what the final tattoo would be and I was on tenterhooks with the final reveal. And, a very satisfying ending.
Thanks for posting, Don and MAJOR thanks for the review Libby!
I wrote this last week for a 48 hour, 5 page challenge. Parameters were...thriller/tattoo shop/strong box.
I agree with everything you pointed out. I usually write these things and then forget about them but I'm going to work on this one since it's only 2 characters and one EASY location (not a damned department store LOL).
Now that I don't have the 5 page restriction I can work on the logistics of the guns and get rid of some of the exposition. I like your pared down, "you'll see" much better.
Was thinking about making Jerry appear exhausted, which makes sense since he's been hiding from police, and then maybe nodding off here and there so when Max does the bump it's not so convenient that Jerry doesn't see him grab the gun.
Thanks again, Libby! As usual, your suggestions are spot on!