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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Perfect Cover Up
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Don
Posted: October 3rd, 2020, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Perfect Cover Up by Marnie Mitchell - Short, Thriller - When a troubled man visits a tattoo shop to cover a bad tattoo, he ends up getting one that suits him perfectly. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: October 3rd, 2020, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well now, a nice little departure from all things RomCom.  

Yes, I know this is your more usual fare, Marnie.

First off, I loved the title. Works on more than one level.

The whole snake metaphor is great.

The only real hiccup for me was this:
JERRY
Shut  the  fuck  up  about  snakes!  My father  gave  me  this  tattoo  as  a punishment...for  stealing  a  pack  of his  cigarettes!  I  was  thirteen!  Did time  for  marking  me  up!  And  for other  fucked  up  shit  he  did  to  me and  my  sister.  Just  want  it  gone!

I just thought it could be worked in a bit more naturally, even reluctantly on Jerry's part. He appears a bit too talky here and it comes across a bit expositional. Either have Max probe a bit more as to how Jerry got the tattoo or maybe break up those two lines?

JERRY
Well,  you’ll  know  tomorrow.  I’m everything  my  father  said  I  was.]
Maybe delete that first line? Maybe: ...You'll see...

Here there's reason for this (below) cause Max is about to do the big reveal.
MAX My  father  abused  the  hell  out  of  me too.  Told  me  I  was  stupid  and  beat me  every  fucking  day.  

As is it still works perfectly fine but I think Max should play a bit more dumb and 'confide in me'.
Not sure about the gun in one hand, tattooing with the other. Obviously that segues into his shaking hand, but wouldn't he put the gun in his pocket or conceal it somewhere ready to grab? Could the coke just make him jittery like he says? I'm on the fence here.

Great work.

All my quibbles are nitpicks really.

You built up some great suspense here cause I didn't twig what the final tattoo would be and I was on tenterhooks with the final reveal. And, a very satisfying ending.

Great work, Marnie!


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 4th, 2020, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting, Don and MAJOR thanks for the review Libby!

I wrote this last week for a 48 hour, 5 page challenge. Parameters were...thriller/tattoo shop/strong box.

I agree with everything you pointed out. I usually write these things and then forget about them but I'm going to work on this one since it's only 2 characters and one EASY location (not a damned department store LOL).

Now that I don't have the 5 page restriction I can work on the logistics of the guns and get rid of some of the exposition. I like your pared down, "you'll see" much better.

Was thinking about making Jerry appear exhausted, which makes sense since he's been hiding from police, and then maybe nodding off here and there so when Max does the bump it's not so convenient that Jerry doesn't see him grab the gun.

Thanks again, Libby! As usual, your suggestions are spot on!


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eldave1
Posted: October 4th, 2020, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Marnie:

Dug this one - you do a nice job with setting a seedy tone here.

All my comments are of the nit variety.  

Seems to me that Jerry ought to do a bit of scouring of the place before taking the chair - making sure that no one else is there.


Quoted Text
Inside is a gun and a baggie of cocaine with a tiny spoon
inside.


I'd eliminate one of the insides - it reads like a typo even though it isn't.

Maybe - Inside, a gun and a baggie containing cocaine and a tiny spoon.

The holding the gun with one hand and tatting with the other seemed a bit weird - seemed more logical if he would have slipped it into his back waistband.

SPOILER

“PEDOPHILE”.  Just a thought - that is a lot to Tat - maybe PEDO?

Anyway - nice job - enjoyed this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: October 4th, 2020, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Marnie:
...
SPOILER

“PEDOPHILE”.  Just a thought - that is a lot to Tat - maybe PEDO?


Yes!


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 5th, 2020, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nice and concise tale, enjoyed it and didn't work out where it was going.

Agree PEDO is a better tag to leave on him too.

If you wanted to expand any further then Max could ask him 'Why now?' for the cover up, though it's not necessary as it is.

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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mmmarnie
Posted: October 7th, 2020, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Ant!! Gonna take in all suggestions and work on this next week...before the second round of NYC Midnight and our October OWC!!


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