Flying With Fake Feathers - 7WC by George Willson (tubkas) - Thriller - Chased by the mob, berated by a woman, comforted by a stranger -- a man without an identity struggles to sort out who he is and where he belongs amidst the bizarre people and events that surround him. 94 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS APLENTY

There's a lot of clever dialogue in this script, it's on the way to being something very exciting.

The Angie character carries so much of the story that, I think, the cooler you make her the better the story will be.  I don't think anything is gained by having her pretend to be anything like ordinary.  

The Man...   He's an attractive and very resourceful character -- that whole "hire a hitman" thing seems too weak for him, in my opinion.

I hope you keep working on this story, the lead characters are very dynamic; even though the Man is all questions all the time, he continually draws on a believable inner strength.  Very cool, I think.

George, congrats on completing this script in 7 weeks.  It’s a tough thing to do, so you can be proud.

I’m going to take page by page notes. I won’t be bringing up all mistakes I see, but things that jump out, etc will be listed for help with your rewrite.  Let’s go…

George, I’m a more than a little leery about even posting this, as I know people will be literally cursing me and downright hating me.  I’m sorry, but I just cannot sugarcoat things and I have to be honest.  Let the backlash begin…again.

Page 1 – OK, so we start on a black screen, which means exactly what it says…it’s all black – let’s see how long this goes and how it plays out.

“A thirty-ish male voice sounds.” – Awkward and obviously impossible to tell his age.

If we’re on a black screen, wouldn’t the dialogue be V.O.?  Not sure…

“Oh, biggins. Blurvite blithering blatherskite.” – Huh?

OK, so now a flash illuminates the room he’s in, but you’ve yet to properly intro the scene with a SLUG.  SO…the Black screen in the beginning is a mistake and a problem.

Last 2 passages are very awkwardly phrased.

Page 2 – “which had blood on it…” – “which has blood on it…”

The dialogue from the man to a corpse sounds odd, and unrealistic…and there’s way too much of it, IMO.

Page 3 – Major problems going on now, George.  You have ZERO SLUGS still.  The man just left a warehouse and entered a bathroom. Why aren’t these showing up in SLUGS?  Doesn’t make any sense and does not work in any way.

Page 4 – Where is the light coming from all of a sudden? How could you possibly not have any SLUGS?

Page 5 – Hooray!  A SLUG!!!!  George, the first 4 pages don’t work without SLUGS.  It is not a Black screen we are viewing for 4 minutes.  Needs to fixed up, badly.

You need to Cap your intro of a character, and you didn’t here with the thug.

The transition from the hood of the car into the boss’s office is odd, as obviously much time has passed.  It doesn’t work for me at all.

Only 1 hood was intro’d yet you state “the hoods who captured him” – doesn’t make sense.

Page 9 – Ok, sorry, but this really comes off as cartoonish, and far from realistic.  The names, descriptions, dialogue all don’t work for a serious take on this sort of thing.

Page 10 – OK, another odd transition.  Obviously, this is something you’re going for here, so I’ll play along as long as I can.

“ad” – “and”?  Not sure

“The Man looks uncomfortable, though he is not chained and the back seat hood is not sitting on top of him.” – HUH?  This line is downright hilarious…but not in a good way, I’m sorry to say.  Is this supposed to be a comedy now, or what?

Page 11 – The fight scene isn’t working at all.  Again, this is coming off very cartoonish for many reasons.  A guy just got killed with a punch?  Confusing use of “he”, so that it’s impossible to even know who is punching or doing whatever to who.

I am not familiar with the quote, “bigguns”.  I even Googled it and got nothing but allusions to big tits, so I’m utterly clueless as to the meaning of this.

Reality check…reality check – So, it just so happens that the Man came across the apartment of the dead guy?  How did that work?  He’s on foot, he doesn’t even know who he is, let alone where he is.  I don’t buy it at all.

Page 12 – Why doesn’t this woman have a name?  I find just about everything going on incredibly odd.

Page 18 – Oh, George, I don’t know what to say that’s not going to sound completely assholic.  This isn’t working in any way, shape, or form. The dialogue is so unrealistic, and cartoonish.  The setup is so unbelievable.  The characters without names, so odd.  I can’t go on right now, I’m afraid. I have to stop.  My head hurts.  I’ll try and get back to this later.

Hopefully, there is some help within my harsh commentary.

True, no slugs at the beginning. I can follow your complaint there. I do describe where he is, however, so it cannot be said that you aren't aware of the location. You just want my slugs, which I figured would distract from the story a bit. Ah well. Not a biggie. I can match cut the bright flash. If my biggest problem is a lack of slugs in the first scene so far, then that's not too bad.

What? You don't like my nonsensical words? Dude's got no memory. It's not like he knows what he's saying, right?

Talking to the dead man. Not the weirdest thing one can do, but at the same time, who else is he going to talk to? How is he to know that's odd? You want him talking to himself? You want a voiceover? Talking to corpses isn't unnatural just as talking to yourself isn't unnatural. Screenwriters just like to say it is.

The dead man's address is on his license. I suppose I could go through some level of hunting for how he finds this. After all, it is established that he is clueless. However, he does have this piece of information in his possession.

A man can be killed with a single punch. If one is hit square on the nose with enough force, the bridge of the nose can be driven into the brain and kill you. Someone with fight training would be able to execute this move. It doesn't take strength. Just accuracy.

"Biggins" is explained later.

The odd transitions are called "Match Cuts." Honestly, do you NEED to see the man tossed into a car, driven across town, and then dragged inside a building? What would be the point? And do you need to see him dragged out of the chair, back out of the building and then tossed back into the car? Probably not. I figure you can work that out. It's an intro that is supposed to go by very quickly and emphasize what he's going through. The first time you go somewhere, you don't remember it. His memory of the passage from point A to point B would pass about like it does in the script. He won't remember it. He has no memory of a car, so the car would not imprint on him, nor would the landscape. As the script moves through, the travel sequences get longer. The match cuts go away because his memory is imprinting. Work with me, Jeff. I don't write like everyone else you're used to.

No names for characters. The characters haven't been introduced with names. Until someone names them in the dialogue, I didn't name them on screen. Sort of an audience POV at that point. The woman is there for about 3 pages without a name. Oh, and the lack of names gets worse, but you have to remember that everything is happening from the perspective of the Man, who also has no name. I suppose I could name everybody, but then, it would all be given away. So, you're still in his shoes, and know only what he does.

And yeah, that whole setup with the woman is really weird, isn't it? Jeez, no one in their right mind would act that way. I agree. There must be some explanation for it.

If you find just about everything to be incredibly odd, then I guess I did my job. I am placing you in the place of the Man, and he too finds everything incredibly odd at this point of the story. You're 18 pages in. Absolutely nothing will make sense at this point, and will continue to get even worse for quite a while. So if you're lost, that's awesome.

I'm annoying Jeff cause he can't figure out what's going on. Haha.

And I'll absolutely accept your brutal honesty...and your headache. :-p

Hey George, I've always said you're a good guy, and I'll say it again right now...you're a good guy!

It's refreshing to see someone accept criticism, respond to it with answers and clarification, and do it in a good natured way.

I hear you on all accounts.  I am familiar with the Match Cuts, and assumed that's what you were doing.  No problem there at all.

If your aim was to confuse, you indeed were successful.  I understand what you were going for in showing this from the Man's POV, basically.

I am also aware that people can be killed in many ways...many simple ways that wouldn't even hurt others, and vice verse.  For instance, a bullet to the leg or arm can kill someone, while 12 bullets in the chest, and the person can survive.  For me, it's more like too much suspension of belief at that early stage.  I imagine that thug never shows up again, so whether or not he was killed or just knocked unconscious, probably doesn't matter.

I will attempt to go back to your script later, and I apologize for putting it down when I did.

I'm not finished with this one yet, but on those match cuts...one of my comments was "good scene transition".  We're all different I guess.  

Quoted from Dreamscale I am also aware that people can be killed in many ways...many simple ways that wouldn't even hurt others, and vice verse.  For instance, a bullet to the leg or arm can kill someone, while 12 bullets in the chest, and the person can survive.  For me, it's more like too much suspension of belief at that early stage.  I imagine that thug never shows up again, so whether or not he was killed or just knocked unconscious, probably doesn't matter. I will attempt to go back to your script later, and I apologize for putting it down when I did.

No problem. You were probably looking for an easy read, and I threw you off there.

And I try not to do pointless things. Whether they live or die must be significant or the scene shouldn't be there at all. That's something to keep in mind. Everything is important. If you catch something pointless, I definitely want to know...but of course, you can't really tell if it's pointless till you get through it.

And thanks for the "good transition" comment Pia. Appreciate it.

George,

Nice job. Here are my comments:

I liked the dialogue for The MAN. He sounded like Bobby De Niro to me.

Cool how you tied Biggins into this. Also liked how you tied the fake feathers in there, I’d never heard that one before.

This one would be low budget for sure.

The Man was a solid (no subtleties here) character. However, the length of time it took the man to regain his memory with endless questions was getting a tad annoying, He also sees a Hood, kills a Hood. Just saying.

The reveal regarding Angie was TMI from her. Although I knew Angie was key to what was going on, her method of playing with the kill and the forget juice were too much out of the blue. Her character didn’t do much for me dialogue wise until the end .

This wasn’t the expected hero’s ending, was it? I liked it, esp. the symmetry with the beginning.

7WC accomplished!

Gary

I stopped reading reading at page fourteen.  I found this script to be too problematic and uninteresting from page one.

You went way overboard in describing what happened in total darkness.  Bare feet shuffling on concrete?  The sound of 'the man' hitting a plasterboard wall?  Do you really think that a movie goer would have any clue if he listened to all this while watching a black screen?  Why not include the jingling of the forty-eight cents in his pocket.  The audience should be able to identify the sound of one quarter, one dime, two nickels and three pennies jingling, right?

The Man seems too relaxed and casual when he discovers the body.  He was only one step away from shoving his hand up the corpse's ass and doing a ventriloquist act.  I get more upset when I miss a green light.

The scene with 'the man' and the mobsters--

--SIDENOTE:  Give this guy a fucking name!!  He's supposedly the main character; this is basic scriptwriting, George--

--was just silly chatter.  It didn't mean anything to me; I can barely remember it.  It just didn't have any impact on me.

I stopped reading when 'the man' told 'the woman' that he has Walter's wallet after he took it from his corpse... and she invites him in.

George, you've been around here a long time.  You can do better than this.


Phil

George,

just finished your script. Congrats on finishing it on time. I never doubted that you would though. I always thought of you as a writing machine.

I liked the premise here. No problem. I think I read somewhere you said you wrote it so you could produce this one yourself (btw, you can still use my stuff if you want). I see no problem with producing this one. No fancy or complicated situations or sets. I do feel however that this script will need a lot of work before it's ready though. You know what they say about producing a film. You start with a great script. Not a good one, but a great one.

So, what is it IMHO that needs work? I took some notes while reading, but will start with some more general thoughts. Some of it you may not like to hear…

Lets start with the writing itself. I have read your stuff for years and to be honest with you, I was quite surprised at your style here. You pretty much did everything we all usually tell newbies not to do. I know some people don't worry if an 'ing word or a 'ly word shows up here and there. I don't either, but this script takes those things to the extreme. Why? I don't remember you writing like this before. It is very distracting. I would suggest taking care of those issues right away. I would also suggest that you use action verbs instead of littering this script with 'ly words. You're a smart guy. You have a big vocabulary. Why not use it? Surely you can think of better descriptions for something simple as "slowly walking".  Not trying to be mean here, just saying that I was very surprised…and disappointed at this. You also have a ton of orphans. You can definitely tighten your sentences. Try to cut down on the use of the word "and". Especially in your action scenes. I recommend reading Sniper's Purgatory for clean crisp and fast moving action scenes.

Another big issue for me with this script was the dialogue. I think you said some place that this one was dialogue heavy. You weren't kidding. There's one area that basically is 10 pages of dialogue. There's nothing wrong with a lot of dialogue if it is full of subtext or something else interesting. There is none of that here however. It's mostly exposition or things like "yeah" "hm" if you know what I mean. It also gets more and more dialogue heave towards the end. I would have liked to see some of these revelations with pictures rather than the spoken word. The dialogue doesn't sound real to me either.

I have some more comments about character later on in my notes, but in general, I would say that they were very flat. They had absolutely no depth to them. I didn't like any of them either. Some of that was due to their actions. A big part of why I could not connect with them might have been your choice of not naming them. Hard to empathize with someone called the Man, the Hood 1, the Woman. I noticed your response to Jeff that you did it because the audience don't know his name. I understand, but it makes for a disconnect there when reading. Why not have him find something that makes him believe he's got another name, even if you later change it to Walter? That way he would come across more as a real person. Also, if you insist on not giving the characters names, they should at least have the first letter capitalized. IMHO.

I know you might want to produce this one yourself, but even so, I would suggest adding a few more interesting settings. There's an awful lot of scenes taking place in cars and parking lots. I think that would get dull to watch.

Here are some page notes…even a couple of typos.

All pages, notice how many sentences start with "he".

pg  2.  "neat bullet wound. No blood anywhere." Next sentence the Man has blood on his hands after touching it…

pg  2.  second paragraph "he - his"

pg  4.  "as if waiting for a response". Not only do I not like it, but it's used twice very close together. If you want to keep it, maybe consider changing the second one. IMO, he talks too much to himself.

pg  5.  good scene transition to the office. Consider describing the Hoods better and let us know how many there are.

pg 10.  the Man looks uncomfortable… You can do better than that.

pg 11.  no need to mention again that he is barefoot.

pg 13.  the Man's last dialogue misses a word…I think.

pg 14.  seems odd to me that he does not remember guns, but later knows  how to use one.  That piece of dialogue doesn't really read very well. At least not to me.

I have the same problem in my script about the believability of not going to the police.  

pg 20.  even though I know Angie's true nature since I've finished the script, I doubt anyone is going to believe that she lets him stay there. No one would do such a thing with a stranger…much less sleep with them. Like I said, I know the truth, but it sitll has to come off as believable as we watch/read it otherwise you'll lose us.

pg 22.  why is it important that the lamp is on? You even called it "distinct characteristic"… it is on for the filming I guess, but why not just write, the room is lit by a single lamp?

pg 23.  Stubs his toe???? I'm sure that would hurt, but that is very lame in a movie. I think you call Hood 1 "the other man". That makes it confusing since you already have a character named Man.

pg 25.  the Man says "you found me by that building right there" and on the next page he asks how much further it is to the building. That doesn't make sense at all.

pg 30.  Man's dialogue "her have" - he have

pg 31.  there's basically only dialogue from pg 26-the end of pg 31…

that Biggins bit is getting rather annoying. I know the answer to it, but I don't think it works...

pg 39.  IMO, the Man shouldn't refer to Walter as "this guy's". As far as an audience/reader knows at this point Angie was rather close to Walter. He was like a brother to her. So that seems very disrespectful. Angie does the same thing btw. That must be a mistake. She says "this Walter guy's wallet".

pg 43. I had a very hard time with the Man suddenly trying to strangle her. Pretty big change of emotion from the previous page. Also didn't like how they say good night to each other and the next thing you know she asks if he's hungry.

pg 44.  he's massaging her neck now????

pg 49.  I thought the Boss wanted to hire the Man and now he's being whipped in an alley? Weird turn of events and VERY weird place to do it. I guess they're not afraid anyone will see or hear them.

I wish they would quit calling it the item.

pg 51.  I didn't know he was bleeding and now he's almost going into shock due to bloodless? You may want to show the severe injuries. Or skip the shock comment since he seems to be just fine later on. The Man also talks a lot for someone so severely injured.

pg 53.  way too much exposition IMHO.

pg 55.  the Man sits patiently in the back seat…pretty good for someone almost going into shock…  You should ditch Hood 2's phone conversation. It doesn't lead to anything.

pg 57.  the Hoods decide to beat him up and kill him in a well lit parking lot surrounded by houses????

pg 61.  I know some people do talk to themselves, but the Man does it WAY TOO MUCH.

pg 63.  "what you're done"….    would like to see more emotion from the Man here.  A lot of dialogue…

pg 64.  need new slug as they go outside.

pg 66.  here starts what basically is 10 pages of dialogue!!

pg 92.  She stabs him in the temple with a needle? Isn't the temple made of bone?

Anyway, that's it George.  Hope this can be of any help to you. Like I said earlier. I like the premise. It just needs a big rewrite IMHO.  

Can't say I disagree so far. I know I didn't take enough time with it, and I also know that I kind of ran out of ideas while writing it. I stretched it out, but it doesn't work in some places. I made the opening pages confusing on purpose, but perhaps that was a bad approach. I also chose to not name him , but perhaps that was also a bad approach. I see that I made multiple hiccups, and that was undoubtedly a combination of the time as well as getting my head of of novel-land (hence the occasional past tense slip and wordiness). I appreciate the honesty so far, and I'll keep this in mind when I look at it again in a few weeks or so. Thinking back on it, it makes me think of more of a long-winded outline for a script that still needs to be written.

The main question based on these comments is to voiceover or not to voiceover. Obviously, I need to figure out ways to turn dialogue into action (which will cause just as much fuss since people freak out over all action, no dialogue).

I personally like the intricacy of the story, but I know it isn't told very well yet. Thanks for the reads so far. I look forward to being further crucified as Jeff finishes it.

Hey George.

Congratulations.  A screenplay in seven weeks is very imprssive.

Having said that, I don't think this one worked for me, really on any level.

It took me four or fie tries to get through this all the way.  Personally, I think Jef needs to talk to esomeone aout his SLUG OCD, but in this case he's right.  That whole part cant be in the dark, but I have no idea when it stops being dark.  Very confusing.

I read further than Phil, so I understand why The Man does't have a name, but damn it was annoying until then.  And by the time I got to Hood 4 on page 50, I was actually angry.

All of this is going on around he Golden Tablet, but we don't even get to it until page 55.  

The dialouge is way wooden and stiff, although, I find dialogue takes the most editing, and you didn't have a lot of time.

Like Pia said, way too much dialogue, and a lot of it is just the same thing over and over and over.  

So congratulations on finishing.  Sorry, I didn't like it more!

PDF 4
He walks in and looks into the mirror. He touches his face.
MAN
Oh biggins.
He reaches out and touches the mirror.
MAN
I don�t know you either.
You might establish that Man's reflection is not the same as the body's.
"Yes", that may be apparent on film, but a reading script is different (especially one weird/non-standard as this) and may benefit.

PDF Page 5
He flips through a couple of cards before
settling on a picture of young woman around their age.
Cards? Credit cards?

He glances down at Walter�s hands. No rings.
MAN
So probably not married? Or did the
guy who did this to you take your
ring?
Married folk often have un-tan rings when wedding rings are removed.
Might suggest noting something along those lines.

PDF pg 6
He is all but ripped from the hood of the car, swung around and-
INT. BOSS�S OFFICE � NIGHT
-flung into a chair in a stark, brightly lit meeting room.
This is reading like a fruity yet sparse dream sequence.

Pg 12
The man runs off into the night.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX � NIGHT
This is one helluva long dream sequence.
I'm having a hard time imagining this as a marketable story so far.
Easily something for an indyprod.
Certainly a script for a film class to practice cinematography and direction for an assignment.
It's very "Home Video Camera-y".
Not very "Red One-y", unless the students are practicing with that equipment.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RED_Digital_Cinema

Pg 15
WOMAN
Will you come in?
Curious question to ask a man about to use a credit card to jimmy the lock to enter.
However, it would be within the b r o a d realm of this story.

Pg 16
WOMAN
Why didn�t you go to the police?
MAN
I didn�t know what to tell them.
If I give them this story, I�m as
good as guilty.
Unless the man's memory suffers periodic lapses he knows darn good and well he's gone from building>parking lot>abduction>boss/torture>car>escape>apartment.
There's been no opportunity to "go to the police", yet his answer indicates that there was.
However, once again, dream sequences are often nonsensical, where convenience substitutes for reason.

WOMAN
And you believe your memory will
come back and you can help catch
Walter�s killer?
Well... that would be quite a bit of mission drift.

Pg 20
He nods and looks at his hand. He notices the ring again.
MAN
I think I might be married.
He holds up the ring. She walks back and looks at it.
Again? He noticed the dead man's absence of a ring on pg 5, but no prior mention of his own.
Honestly, it's going to be nearly impossible to hold onto any continuity errors in this story's environment.
It seems largely the audience needs to just sit back and let whatever happens happen.
Just... quit tryin' so damn hard to make sense of it.

Pg 50
HOOD 2
You make any move I don�t like. Any
move. And it�s curtains.
In a setting of DVDs someone is using the term "And it�s curtains."? Okay.

Pg 51
BOSS WELTER
Hard thing for a man to lose his
mind. Knew a guy who lost it once.
Got rapped it the nut harder than
I ever seen a guy take it, and
it scrambled his brains, if you
know what I mean.
He got what? Got rapped it the nut?

Finis!
Everything's kosher from here out, all things considered.

Okey dokey.
I could read this just fine.
Kept up with twists and turns unremarkably well.
Don't understand any "confusing" complaints. < rolls eyes >

What did you want to do with this?
Certainly nothing commercial or for a film festival.

Student film project?
If so, it's great for that.
Perfect, really.

There's a great mix of environments, both inside and out, physicality, waking shots, dollies, tracks and steadicams, close ups, distance shots, flash back sequences, I saw a little MOS in there, multiple hand to hand combats to choreograph, gun play, car chases on the road, car movement in parking lots, contrast lighting under bridges, emotional range for actors to speak through, lighting, audio near/far/background interference/echo abation or utility/foley, not much in special effects or props, set demands are readily available.
Lo/no budget is beautiful.

Story?
Who gives a sh!t.
Story is cogently fine.
"Ya'll go practice shooting, for crying out loud! Don't need effin' MacBeth! SHOOT!"

I can see a class of film students being divided into groups then draw straws or numbers from a hat to be given a segment to set-up and direct.

Sound about right?

EDIT: AH! Sh!t! Almost forgot: Students gotta learn about editing!

Thanks Seamus. I figure everything isn't for everyone, and this one is rougher around the edges than I like to show...

Thanks for the read, Ray. Couple things. The beginning isn't a dream sequence at all. It all happens about that fast.

"Got rapped on the nut" would be slang for "got hit on the head."

The rough story is what this one has going for it. I plan on going back over it and smoothing out some of the harsher transitions and details. Perhaps flesh out the introduction of Angie and the Man, who someone will just call John, I'm sure, just to give him something.

I'm taking it all to heart, folks. I have an idea of where to begin to rework this thing.

I have to say, i misread that rapped on the nut line at first and it wasn't pretty!!!

Also, as I was thinking about it, i think the problem with Angie is we know she's up to something, but there's no real clue as to what it is until she tells us.  At al.  There's absolutely no way to guess that ending.  Unless I'm a complete idiot and missed it, which is entirely possible!

Quoted from George Willson Thanks for the read, Ray. Couple things. The beginning isn't a dream sequence at all. It all happens about that fast.

Well, I know that now - once you get to the end!
But as it's being read, in real time, - it chops rather dream like, which is appropriate for someone coming off Angies' wack-out juice.

From Seamus:
>> I have to say, i misread that rapped on the nut line at first and it wasn't pretty!!!<<
Yeah, I experienced a rather unpleasant phantom pain myself reading that.

It was "rapped in the nut", not "rapped in the nuts." Big difference.

And Seamus, you do make a good point and yet, how would one fix it? You know she's up to something, so the ending isn't form left field, but do you still feel cheated because there's no way to guess what happens? Does the story need clues for you to work out the ending before you get there? Do I need a huge intricate Saw-like flashback sequence to reveal everything that leads up to it (provided I put it all in there)? I tried to keep her consistent throughout without giving anything away since her character wouldn't make any accidents.

It's a pickle, to be sure.

I will pat myself on the back that you couldn't guess the ending.

I would prefer a few more clues beforehand to the flashback afterward.  I kind of feel like in a really good thriller there should be enough clues that I should have guessed it, if only I had been smart enough to put them together.  After the reveal,  when I re-think it, or even better, see it again, I want to see all the clues I missed and be able to connect the dots.

Kind of like The Sixth Sense.

Hi George, congrats on completing the challenge.

Here are the notes:

Page 1-4, I didn't like characters talking to themselves in situations like this. Almost like telling the audience what they are thinking.

Now the dialogue becomes almost comedic. "I don't know you either" to the mirror.

Seriously, all these dialogue should be in V.O. because they're all his thoughts.

The premise and the opening scene is intriguing and definitely has a thriller feel, but you have to find another way to show what the MAN is thinking. Or just cut out all of the dialogue and show us the action.

Page 5, you didn't introduce HOOD 1 in the description.

Page 5, I liked the transition where the MAN is swung around outside the warehouse and then flung into a chair in the boss's office. I can visualize that.

Page 10-11, the fight and chase scene can be written snappier and punchier. All these long sentences slow down the read, and make the scene less exciting. I'm just nitpicking here though.

Page 14, I'm not sure the Woman would invite the Man into her house yet.

Page 26, the Man and Angie's dialogue can sound more natural, even though they're telling each other what happened.

Hey, this is a zippy read for me, and I think I'm getting into Act II on page 29.

The story is promising. It has that Memento feel in it, especially Angie is like Natalie in that movie, trying to help out the Man but I have a feeling she's up to something of her own.

Good work so far. I guess I'm the only one who praises you so far?

Herman

Page 34, a different slug is needed to show Angie and Man because they're underneath a trap door. OR the Hood dialogues need to be in O.S.

Page 37, What?! The Man hasn't realized he has no shoes on all the time?

Bottom of page 37, who are the "they" in this paragraph? The Hoods or Angie and the Man?

Page 41, where is this INT. HOUSE? I thought Angie lives in an apartment.

Page 44, a picture coming to life is kinda fun to watch. It's not a bad thing.

Page 48, okay, please stop the Man talking to himself. A few mumbles are okay. But not like a long paragraph. Oh....hahaha. Seems like you're making fun of yourself.

Page 49, the Boss's last name, Welter, is too alike much the dead man's, Walter. I don't know if this is a clue to something. If not, you better change it.

Page 59, hey, I liked how you showed the switching of guns here.

Page 61, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, no more the Man talking to himself. You have to find some way to dramatize what he's thinking. This section almost reads like a novel.

Page 66-76, I think you could've trim some of the dialogue here. Although they do read and flow nicely, there isn't a lot of new info or characters revealed here. They're just redundant.

Page 81, hmm.....the car door wasn't locked?

Page 82, NICE!! I knew I should've guessed that, but I didn't. Kudos.

Ending sequence, too much exposition and the dreaded "villain talk" that explains everything. Her motivation still feels like a stretch to me. But whatever, it's the ending already.


Hey George, this is not bad, not bad at all. I didn't get why other people can't finish it, but I throughly enjoyed it. Some parts may be a bit redundant and it gets tiring, like fighting off the goons, driving around in the car, going back and forth between the warehouse and Walter's home. But it's entertaining.

Just rework some parts of the story, polish up the typos and formatting, and you'll have a good script here. Cheers.


Herman

Thanks, Herman. This script has come off as a mixed bag, really. The story itself is pretty decent. It's got some good stuff in it, and some nice twists to it. The presentation is killing it as well as some of the minor points. I've already got some ideas on fixing some of the bigger beefs. I'm definitely going to cut probably half the dialogue and see how much I can make into action only. I'd like to avoid the VO if possible, but when you have a single character for an extended period left to nothing but his thoughts, it's almost unavoidable. It's an onscreen deal. He's got to converse with someone in order to communicate the unshowable (or reasonably unshowable) stuff to the audience.

My biggest weakness on this one was that I didn't move it to the next draft before presenting it, but I don't think I would have it at all without the deadline, so for that, I'm grateful.

So once I read everyone else's 7WC, I'll get into rewriting this one. Got some good ideas to throw in there to clean it up really good and make it that much better. Thanks all so far for the great comments. Even bad reviews are good ones since it shows you cared enough to tell me it sucked.

Hey George,

Congratulations on completing the challenge. There are a few typos and the like, but others have pointed out the missing scene headings in the beginning, but I will say that I was never lost and things were clear to me anyway.

SPOILERS

I’m actually surprised at some of the reviews for this as I thought it was quite well done. Sure, there are many areas that could be improved, but as it stands, I fairly enjoyed it. So much so, I didn’t take any notes so I’m just going to have to go from memory here.

Although I liked the ending, especially since it wasn’t the typical “Hollywood ending” we are treated to so often in 90% of the films nowadays. I liked how it was similar to the start and tied everything together nicely. The problem has already been mentioned, though. There’s not a chance that the reader can guess it before it happens. You’ll need to throw some hints in here, nothing major that will give it away, but something. I see you are tempted to go with Saw-like flashbacks at the end, and that could work, too. Although, in Saw, there were many clues throughout, the flashbacks just pointed them out to us.

I’d agree that it’s obvious right away that Angie isn’t who she says she is, but for me, that’s unavoidable. In a story like this, every reader in the world is always going to suspect her. There was a giveaway for me on page 27, when she said “THAT Walter Jenkins”. Considering she said she was a friend of Walter, referring to him like that caused the alarm bells to ring. Also, on page 69, she says “or you have her who won’t even acknowledge that you clearly have a problem.” How does Angie know that the woman doesn’t acknowledge he has a problem? She wasn’t in the earlier scene when she kicked him out of the house. Again, this confirmed that she knew far more than she was letting on. Other things, too, like how eager she was to help the guy who just might have killed her ‘friend’.

Quick note about ‘The Man’. I would keep his name as it is. In a film version, we wouldn’t know his name so why should you just add a name in the script? It all makes sense in the end, anyway. I think people are just finding it a little confusing as they are used to named characters throughout a script and this will annoy them as it’s different.  

I could definitely see this as a film, very noir-like feel about it, It would also cost very little to produce. I do think the scenes where the man talks to himself would come across very badly on screen, though.

Dialogue was a bit of a let down for me. Some of it felt flat and could use a little work. This is understandable for the Man, as he does ask a lot of questions, and we expect that. But Angie, and Boss Welter, along with the hoods, I think you could bring them to life more if you spice up their dialogue.

Things got a bit repetitive for me into the second half. You know, Man fights the hoods, captured, escapes. Fights the hoods again, captured, escapes. Maybe you could work a way around this, as I fear it could come across a bit dull on screen and people may lose interest.

I noticed a few comments about the transitions. I thought they were great. It’s something I wish I could use in my writing more. They were all very well done.

I would have liked more of an ending for Boss Welter and the remaining hoods. They deserved an ass kicking, or even better, killed! Maybe that’s just me.

Overall, I enjoyed it, and with some work, it could be really good! I didn’t have any problems following what was going on as you revealed the information, but I can understand why some stopped reading as the first half when  very little is given to the reader to work out. Good work!

Brian

Hello George,

Thanks for posting our work and completing the 7WC.
Finishing a feature length script is a major accomplishment, content not withstanding.

This amnesia script excels in the area I felt the majority of them struggled.
You have a lot of visceral organic discovery here, not too many static flashbacks.
I did not have a problem with your transitions or slugs, the read had flow.
The only one that tripped me up was page 43, the Vacation picture sucking thing.

I really didn't connect to any of the characters here at all.
I would have never let Angie take out that case, it felt weak.
The Keystone Mob did nothing for me, incompetent even by 80s standards.
The stolen item doesn't figure into the story, it could have been anything. Meh.
It has no significance, just gold. Does it mean anything to anyone in the story?
John says he might be married one page and bangs Angie on the next. Classy.  
I definitely stopped caring about John right there, was that your intent?
Establishing his lecherous ways? Angie seems slutty for pounding the Amnesia Guy.

Page 60, can we dispense with Jennifer please? Why does she need to be there?
Sorry friend, but I can't take a "wife" who's that overtly vague seriously.
Why is she so vague? Because the jig would be up 30 pages sooner if she wasn't.
She spends much more energy concealing harmless facts than I can believe.

The climax. Buckets and buckets of exposition during hand to hand combat.
I LOL'd at page 90, "a view to a kill", that was hilarious!
Angie delivered about as much exposition as Christopher Walken did in that film.
I can only assume you put that in there as a wink, well, it amused me lots.
Though I think I would have preferred Angie be more like Grace Jones.

Your tech skills and pacing are on target. I had zero problem reading straight through.
Thanks so much for letting read your stuff, I really appreciate it!

Regards, E.D.