SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 18th, 2022, 2:25pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The Summer '22 Challenge Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice are up!

The January Project script, Relentless, is live!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Umbrage Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Umbrage  (currently 3646 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15427
Posts Per Day
1.96
Umbrage by Breanne Mattson - Thriller - A former Interpol agent is dragged into a plot involving the terrorist organization that killed his wife and the search for a mysterious assassin who seems to know him. 127 pages. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 11th, 2012, 4:42pm
revised script
Logged
Site Private Message
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.22
Thanks Don.

To all:

Umbrage was originally posted at Simply Scripts in 2006. It was entered into the Nicholl Fellowships in 2010. Although only around the top 5% advance to the quarterfinals, I was notified by Nicholl staff that the script made it into the top 10%.

I welcome any and all criticism but please understand that I have no intention of rewriting this script without the possibility of it being sold or produced.

Thanks everyone.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
leitskev
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.72
Hey Breanne

Spoilers

I only had time for the first 10 pages, will come back later. For the most part, outstanding start for a film/script. Quick build up of suspense, strong visual, and it felt good when the Witch killed her terrorist guard. Also did a very good job of building curiosity about who the witch is.

I had two minor issues, or an issue and a question.

First the question: what was the deal with the prints? did the terrorists give the FBI finger prints of their hostages? How and why? I didn't understand that, though I know you needed to have the FBI introduce the Witch to us.

The only writing issue I had was the end of page 9 when Salman tries to take the daughter and the Witch strikes him. I had to read that paragraph 3 times to understand what happened. The problem is more on my end, and it wouldn't be a problem in film. Just thought I would point out.

This does seem like a very marketable idea. Not sure where you are going with the Witches references to Greek and Viking gods, but I look forward to finding out over the next couple days!

Kevin
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7649
Posts Per Day
1.45
Congrats on the Nicholl thing!

I remember this script pretty clearly. I thought you did a great job on it, but I imagine the current version being quite different.

Rock on! You're one of the stars here at SS!!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 18th, 2011, 10:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.22
Kevin,

Thank you for the feedback. I was really surprised to see something here so fast.


Quoted from leitskev
First the question: what was the deal with the prints? did the terrorists give the FBI finger prints of their hostages? How and why? I didn't understand that, though I know you needed to have the FBI introduce the Witch to us.


Yes, prints were sent to the FBI. The terrorists wanted them to know who their hostages were. I could explain further but Iíll hold off since itís explained later in the script.


Quoted from leitskev
The only writing issue I had was the end of page 9. . . I had to read that paragraph 3 times to understand what happened. The problem is more on my end, and it wouldn't be a problem in film. Just thought I would point out.


Point taken. The inference is that we only see the lower portion of the action. I can understand how readers can get the shots jumbled up in their minds. Iíll keep that in mind for future reference.

Thank you, Kevin.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Congrats on the Nicholl thing!

I remember this script pretty clearly. I thought you did a great job on it, but I imagine the current version being quite different.

Rock on! You're one of the stars here at SS!!  


Thank you, Pia.

Regarding the Nicholl thing, itís not too big of a deal but itís still nice to know where you landed.

This version is quite a bit ďfilled outĒ from the original script but itís still the same basic story. Itís the type of movie I would love to see.

Star? I donít know about that but Iíve learned never to question someone giving me a compliment.

Thank you.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 10:21am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.63
Hello Breanne,

I'm in a holding pattern on my work, a breezy read was just what the doctor ordered.
I only intended to read the first third, as I typically do on peer reviews.
However, your pages are super delicious and I read to half way this morning.

That's rare for me, the best way I can describe this script is, engaging.
It's not particularly remarkable at anything, but it does everything pretty darn well.
It's broad and entertaining, without being silly.
It employs a fair amount of cliches, but never dwells on them.
The action so far stretches belief, but never goes too far into popcorn blockbuster.

I read an early draft of "Salt" and this reminds of it in a few superficial ways.
The reason I bring up that script is because there is one thing it does much better.
Action description, it's my biggest criticism of the first half of the script.
I found myself skimming those big blocks to get back to your narrative thread.
"Salt" rarely, if ever, had mroe than two lines of description before a line break.
You're up to four and even five sometimes, fairly regularly.
If you got some heat on this, I'd trim that down pretty fast.

Other than that and the left field field agent sex, I don't have much to say right now.

Looking forward to continuing this soon!

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
... your pages are super delicious and I read to half way this morning.


This is the first time my work has ever been called delicious. And super delicious at that. I canít think of anything more flattering. Thank you.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Action description, it's my biggest criticism of the first half of the script. I found myself skimming those big blocks to get back to your narrative thread.


Hmm. Not sure if youíre saying some of the action is unnecessary. That certainly wasnít intentional. I think part of this can be chalked up to different writing styles. For one, Salt is an action flick while Umbrage is a thriller that happens to have a lot of action in it. To me, this story requires a slightly slower pace. One of my favorite things about these types of stories is the way the lives of characters intersect.

I do agree with you, though. Thereís always some way to write it better. Thereís always room for improvement. Iíll keep an eye on it in the future.

Thank you, E.D.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from Breanne Mattson

Hmm. Not sure if youíre saying some of the action is unnecessary. That certainly wasnít intentional. I think part of this can be chalked up to different writing styles. For one, Salt is an action flick while Umbrage is a thriller that happens to have a lot of action in it. To me, this story requires a slightly slower pace. One of my favorite things about these types of stories is the way the lives of characters intersect.

I do agree with you, though. Thereís always some way to write it better. Thereís always room for improvement. Iíll keep an eye on it in the future.

Thank you, E.D.


Breanne


Let me rephrase this...
Your narrative trumped my interest in reading every line of action description.
I found myself tripping over the four and five line blocks to get back to dialogue.
It's not a huge stumbling block, but I want to offer some kind of constructive criticism.
I don't feel I missed anything, but occasionally, the big blocks were a bit of a hurdle.

Does that make more sense?

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Let me rephrase this...
Your narrative trumped my interest in reading every line of action description.
I found myself tripping over the four and five line blocks to get back to dialogue.
It's not a huge stumbling block, but I want to offer some kind of constructive criticism.
I don't feel I missed anything, but occasionally, the big blocks were a bit of a hurdle.

Does that make more sense?


Yes, I think I understand. Youíre apparently referring to the dialogue specifically as the narrative. It sounds strange to me to hear someone say they skipped the description to get to the narrative. I consider the description part of the narrative.

If youíre skipping over blocks of description because my writing isnít compelling enough, then I will certainly work on that. If itís because you donít think description blocks should ever be five lines, then that would be something we disagree on. I believe sometimes a script can be served by it.

I hope that doesnít come off as defensive. The description certainly may need to be broken up. Iíll work on the issue.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
cloroxmartini
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.16
Great start with the misdirect. I wouldn't have Preston say "She." Just let it happen. We'll know and be more suprised.

It's over written on the action.

..............................

EXT. WOODS - DAY
The weeping woman is led blindly through forest growth. Her
bare feet are scratched and her dress keeps getting hung on
small bush limbs. Utbah pulls her along mercilessly.

EXT. CREEK BANK - DAY
Utbah emerges from the wood line, tugging his victim behind
him. They climb out onto the soft rock bed, alongside a
swiftly moving creek. Utbah forces her onto her knees.

VICTIM
Please donÔŅĹt kill me. IÔŅĹll be
quiet, I swear.

....................

EXT. WOODS - DAY

Utbah drags the weeping woman into a clearing.

VICTIM
Please don't kill me. I'll be
quiet, I swear.

..................

I don't know why weeping woman is called VICTIM. Can be confusing.

Being by a stream is not important so you can cut it out. Her dress getting hung up is just action of being drug along and doesn't need to be written. All that is important is Utbah getting the woman set up to be shot in front of a camera. Nothing else matters to the scene, so don't clutter it up with unecessary description. Apply that across the board and you'll lose pages in a hurry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 8:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.63

Quoted from Breanne Mattson

If youíre skipping over blocks of description because my writing isnít compelling enough, then I will certainly work on that. If itís because you donít think description blocks should ever be five lines, then that would be something we disagree on. I believe sometimes a script can be served by it.

I hope that doesnít come off as defensive. The description certainly may need to be broken up. Iíll work on the issue.


Breanne


Breanne,

I would say, I'm skimming the big blocks to get back to the story.
I think some of the action description is a tad overwritten.
And it stands out a bit in contrast to your tight dialog.
You're not being defensive, I see it as you being passionate, as you should be.
In the grand scheme, this is small potatoes, this reads...super delicious.
Very digestible pages, keeps me turning them as fast as I can. Yum!

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.63
Breanne,

I finished the second half of the script this morning.
This is an entertaining read, fast moving thriller stuff.
The Cordial Killers slug, cracked me up.
I dug the needing the FBI to do something thing, very Die Hard.
I like the connection between your super assassin and the protag.
It didn't make perfect sense, her new identity, but I didn't care to fathom it much.
For me, that's not a big deal in these kind of thrillers.
Just has to make sense enough, you successfully suspended disbelief for me.

My complaint on the second half was I felt the climax was underwritten.
Your previous action sequences had a lot more detail than the lakeside shootout.
The Black Witch's sequence was nifty, but the rest was a bit unsatisfying.
I was a little disappointed we never escalated to explosives.
I kind wanted some pyrotechnics at the end. A boat chase? I dunno. Something.
I also would have liked a better wrap up with Joyce and Dunne.
You gave them enough chemistry that I think they deserve a coda.

Really entertaining read. Very fast pages. Kudos.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from cloroxmartini
It's over written on the action... Being by a stream is not important so you can cut it out. Her dress getting hung up is just action of being drug along and doesn't need to be written. All that is important is Utbah getting the woman set up to be shot in front of a camera. Nothing else matters to the scene, so don't clutter it up with unecessary description. Apply that across the board and you'll lose pages in a hurry.


Cloroxmartini,

Thank you for reading and commenting. Thereís a predominant view in this industry that cutting a description down to nearly nothing is always best. I donít totally agree with that philosophy. I certainly understand what youíre getting at and I always work to make my descriptions as clear and concise as I can. Itís true that a lot of writers add unnecessary description. Itís also true, however, in my opinion, that descriptions can be trimmed to the point of being bland and destroying the writerís voice.

Please donít take this the wrong way but I donít find your alternative to be very cinematic. As I said, I totally get your point. Youíre right that I can cut down on description. I think thatís always the case. I will work on it but Iím not willing to sacrifice my voice for any reason, particularly to make my scripts look more like everyone elseís. Not saying thatís what youíre suggesting, just saying I think thereís more to consider than merely reducing to the lowest common denominator.

I hope that comes off the way I intended. I very much appreciate your comments and Iíll work on it.


Electric Dreamer,

Thank you for some terrific insights.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I like the connection between your super assassin and the protag. It didn't make perfect sense, her new identity, but I didn't care to fathom it much.


I cut a scene where Dunne speaks to someone from British Intelligence and more of her back story is revealed. I thought it was unnecessary. Maybe I was wrong.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
My complaint on the second half was I felt the climax was underwritten. Your previous action sequences had a lot more detail than the lakeside shootout. I kind wanted some pyrotechnics at the end. A boat chase? I dunno. Something.


Oh, now youíre complaining that itís underwritten? Just kidding. I know what you mean. I agree. It could use some explosions. Why not?


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I also would have liked a better wrap up with Joyce and Dunne.
You gave them enough chemistry that I think they deserve a coda.


Youíre absolutely right. I was going to write a very heartwarming scene with the two of them in the medevac but didnít. Itís something I now regret.

Thanks for your thoughts, both of you. I do take them in, digest them, and use them to improve. I truly appreciate it.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
cloroxmartini
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.16
If you had not written it the way you had, and written it in one or two lines, no one would know the difference. But because you wrote it, it's there. The seed is there. You can't take it back for you or anyone that's already read it.

Take that scene. If she is pushed. If she is drug. If she is shoved along. We fill in the blanks while we read. You put "woods" in the slug, so we know where we are. Dense Woods could mean something. Dragging means something. Is she drug kicking and screaming?

Is it important that her dress is torn or that she gets knicked along the way? If so, how could you say it? Drug along, torn and bloody? Something quick. The point of the first scene is to revel the international assasin in a really cool way, which you do. But it's a heavy read for an action movie.

It's not about current trends at all, it's about what does it take to set the scene in the fewest and choicest words possible. You don't have to do that everywhere, but every description has to have meaning in order to put it in there in the first place.

It just reads better and you're not sacrificing your artistic intergrity to do it.

You want to get into that top 1%, be a finalist, make 25 grand, this is where you need to go.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
cloroxmartini
Posted: May 21st, 2011, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.16
INT. FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The hostages sit, some still crying.

SALMAN
Shut up! All of you!

The father still lies on the floor unconscious. His daughter
quietly sobs, scared to death. Salman pulls her to her feet.
Snug in front of him.

By his feet... the Black Witch is back in her original spot,
bag over her head. But now thereís a small hole. An ominous
eye. She springs from the floor... A SLICE. GURGLING.

Salmanís hands relax. His rifle drops. The crying girl
slides to the floor. Blood drips onto her bag from overhead.

Behind her... Salmanís boots quietly stagger with the womanís
bare feet down the hallway.

What just happened here? Did the Black Witch just kill Salman?

Did Salman use the little girl as a human sheild?

Is the Black Witch by Salman's feet?

Whose bag is the blood dripping on?

What is happening with the stagger boots and the woman's feet?

It's confusing.

**I'll want to know how the locket got out of the rubble and in the possession of The Witch**

PRESTON
Youíre a train wreck, Dunne.
Youíre just as reckless today as
you were then.


Show me, don't tell me. All I know about Dunne is that he had this romantic moment and then some bad guys came in the office and he shot at them. Nothing reckless about that.

What comes to mind is TRUE LIES. We got to see Harry Tasker in action right from the start, so when Harry shows up in the Omega Sector and Spencer calls Harry out on what happened, we know it's good because we saw it.

Further...

DUNNE
Nobody complained when my
recklessness paid off.

PRESTON
You were a paranoid bastard.
Thatís not the same thing as being
a good detective.

Dunne steps to the door.

DUNNE
Youíre a pretentious asshole.
Thatís not the same thing as being
a good leader.

Because I haven't seen Dunne in action, all of this comes off as plot filler. I have no idea of who Dunne is, what he is capable of. Why is he at odds with the feds here? Just to have conflict? Conflict is good and in these stories the hero is always in conflict with the suits...that's just the way it is. But if I don't know Dunne, then it comes off limp, like it does here. The solution is to give me Dunne early so I know him and what he is capable of. Here is where you might want to rethink how you open this story. Is it the Black Witch who is important, or is it Dunne? I'll find out as I read, but you need to think about that.

Joyce hesitates, nervous.

JOYCE
Do you think you could... put in a
word for me?

Dunne cracks a smile.

DUNNE
Iíll talk to him.

Is Dunne a teacher or is he an active agent currently teaching?

Hmmm...just who is the Black Witch?

Black Witch is caught leaving the Imam's room. Not buying it what with her meticulous planning and poisoning she didn't have an exit strategy? Surely she knew the agents were down stairs? It's action, it's cool, but how could she get herself into that shootout?


INT. FIRST LEVEL - NIGHT
The number of curious spectators has grown. The agentís
lifeless body SMACKS the floor. Everyone jumps back in
shock. SCREAMS.

Curious spectators at a shootout? They'd be running out the front door.

Salt...

Okay. Page 40. What is the point here? Are the terrorists going to blow up something? Is the Witch going to go after someone big? What is at stake? There is nothing at stake. In order for me to care, there has to be something at stake and so far I've missed it.

I have to wonder why Paducah?

DUNNE
Howíd you know we were after an
international assassin?

JOYCE
Huh?

DUNNE
You havenít been briefed.

Joyce pauses in disbelief.

JOYCE
Wow. You really are paranoid.

No, Dunne isn't paranoid and Joyce should know that because not everyone knows at the same time. The real line would be we've been briefed, not you are paranoid. Dunne is just doing his job and he's keen on things, like the plumbers that shot up the place earlier. Joyce should know he made that call and that he's not paranoid.

There are SEVERAL BODYGUARDS. Senator SAMUEL MACDOUGALL,
60s, twice his wifeís age, stands on the other side.

She's 30, he's 60, don't write twice his wife's age.

MACDOUGALL

We should have seen him before he had Dunne beat up . It's a disconnect.

Youíre giving up?

DUNNE
Itís been too long. I canít do
this anymore.

Doesn't ring true here. What has he done but be a sidekick in all this? It's pity and hero's don't do pity.

JOYCE
I think I know who can tell us what
the emblem means.

What emblem? Ah, the thing on Witches shoulder.

The Black Witch shows up and takes Dunne on a journey. I like this more than anything I've read so far. There is a lot of truth in this scene. The Abby sequences are full of little truths. Not plot devices. I'm curious to see how it plays out. (turns out it doesn't mean anything).

Carla and Larissa id'd by their clothes in the end? Hmm...



Open with Black Witch to page 10

Page 10 intro Dunne

Page 11 Abby flashback to page 18

Page 19 Feds introduce themselves to Dunne.

Page 27 Feds go to hotel where Black Witch is chased to page 41.

Page 45 Dunne and Joyce hook up.

Page 59 Senator introduced, has Dunne beat up. Wife is beating victim.

Page 69 Sabeer tells Dunne what the emblem is and recounts a story.

Page 74 Black Witch comes into Dunne's room and takes him on a journey on the mind.

Page 84 We finally find out what this is all about, or at least some of it. Uranium enrichment.

Page 87 We learn how the Black Witch started.

Page 100 The mastermind is unmasked.
Bam bam finale with all revealed.

Lots of things going on. For me it doesn't get off fast enough. You did a nice job of tying it all back together. I don't believe the US would be that lax in the uranium department, but hey, this is the movies.

I stick by my comments that the action is over written. It's just too much plodding for an action movie. When Carla's past was being recounted, you didn't waste many words.

What do I think overall? It's not working for me. It lacks something. Maybe some of the things revealed in the last half should be foreshadowed in the beginning. Hooks. I don't get to know Dunne till much later and I should know him up front. I need to care about this guy. I don't know why Joyce has to have her past like she did. You've got Carla, Dunne, and Joyce with messed up pasts, although we don't know Carla's past is hers until later. It's too much. Only Riggs had issues and Murtaugh was the straight man.

Carla's thread is the strongest. She had motive all along. She developed her plan and lived it.

Maybe 3 lost souls is too much? Maybe Dunne should be more stable so he can help Joyce better. Or Joyce can be more stable so she can help Dunne better? Not sure.

Who is the protag here? Do we have too many leads? Dunne and Carla? In the end, Carla becomes the lead. Dunne kind of fades out and I don't remember him.

Who do I remember? Carla. That's who I remember. I remember that the plot was to get nuke material for terrorists. That is thwarted by Carla.

The main plot is a little thin but in line with general terrorist plots with a little help from US Senators who want a little extra cash. Sniper had that in it (the Senator).

So I'd make Dunne more memorable and maybe not have him washed up.

Cut the sad sacks down to one.

Carla is good, maybe too good, the Joker in Batman, but Carla is so much stronger than Dunne it's not working.

That's my first blush.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006