SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2022, 6:30am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Take This Probe and Shove It Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Take This Probe and Shove It  (currently 5006 views)
Don
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 1:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15136
Posts Per Day
1.97
Take This Probe & Shove It by Charles Martin - Thriller - There is over 300,000 reported UFO sightings in just the last 15 years and 70,000 reported abductions in the last 7years. This is the story of a love stricken war veteran they never should have f@*ked with. 117 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Trojan
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 9:23am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
394
Posts Per Day
0.08
Having grammar mistakes and swearing in your logline is not really a great way to introduce your script. Also the two sentences you have written really don't gel together at all, sounds like two different stories.

But what the hell, let's open it up and take a look as the title sounds interesting. Unfortunately your first paragraph confirms the suspicions raised from your logline, so I've just closed it without reading your first page. Most will do the same. Read lots of scripts on here and do some serious editing on your work after you've picked up some tips.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 22
bert
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4184
Posts Per Day
0.68
Hello Charles, and welcome to the boards.

To tell a reader that you "could care less" is poor form, and will not exactly encourage additional readers.  "Thank you" is a more typical response.

I did pop open the script to see what Trojan was talking about, and the problems are immediately evident.

The first slug line is wrong.  The opening paragraph is 17 lines long, and in it, you use "we" 14 times. You name specific music. You have typos (it is hurtle, not hurdle).

When all of this occurs in the first paragraph of a 117 page script, it is very unfair to blame the reader for not wanting to continue.

Myself, I stopped when the very first line of dialogue concerned "poop" -- but that was more of a personal choice on my part as opposed to any real error in format.

Presentation is important, as are manners.  Best of luck with it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 22
ajr
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1474
Posts Per Day
0.33
Charles,

You also don't introduce your characters, which is basic screenwriting.

I can tell you that the yes and no piles in Hollywood are very real. First, you get one page to impress; if you pass that test you'll get 10, and then 30, and if they're still with you at the end of act 1 chances are they will finish.

So what Bert told you about presentation being important is very true. And the rules exist to weed out the hundreds of thousands of people who are not disciplined enough to learn them. Only after learning them can we break them, and professional readers can tell the difference between the mavericks and the lazy writers.

And as for using more lines than the experts say to use - well, the experts are experts for a reason.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
RayW
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1823
Posts Per Day
0.43
I feel inspired.

Thank you, Charles.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
Eoin
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.14

Quoted from Charles Martin
I would love to hear any comments by anyone who has read the script completely. I can care less about the logline or some gramatical errors. I tell a great story that relays to readers well. To make comments just based on logline and first paragraph is just another example of why no good movies are made anymore. I am sure your a very proficent writer. That being said, I will take that Pepsi Challenge any day with any script as to which would make a better film. The logline I just wrote on the fly to post it here and I shoulda placed it under Sci/fi or Horror but I hate trying to define my script to one genre since it incorporates many. And yes I know I use alot more detail then the "Experts" say to use in a screenplay.


Supreme self confidence or just complete arrogance and ignorance in one neat package? Well after 10 pages I can tell that your 'magnus opus' isn't all you claim it is. You are guilt of about every screenwriting mistake, from formatting issues to just plain boring dull dialouge. Most importantly, there is no hook. Many readers will tell you to 'Take This Script And Shove It'. Time to heat up the oven for some humble pie.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
mcornetto
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Charles,

Honestly, this is very difficult to read.  It isn't your writing so much, you aren't a bad writer, but those large action blocks are killers - they make the read really slow.   First order of business break those up.  Also, I did see some passive language in there as well.

One other thing to not do is number your scenes.  This tells me that you are a novice at writing screenplays.  You might be but you don't need to announce it like that.

These seemingly insignificant things to you are actually very important to the reader.  When you read, a lot of deviations from usual format slow the process down incredibly.   So many screenplays get posted here that it is not fair to other posters for you to expect someone to read 117 pages of script if you haven't put in the effort to make it quickly readable for us.

Also, I think I remember reading some of  this over at Movie Poet.  I didn't see it in the first 10 pages and I'm hoping it wasn't the comedy contest because that's not judged yet.  Kind of ruins your anonymity.      

I think you have a good premise here and you definitely attracted enough attention with it.  That's a huge hurdle you're over.  Now you just need to present it in a way that will encourage people to read it.

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mcornetto  -  June 28th, 2011, 4:38pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 22
pwhitcroft
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
157
Posts Per Day
0.03
Charles,

Congratulations on completing a feature script.

Iíve heard it said that the best thing to do for your first script is to just write it. Apparently this lets you find your own voice and style before you get to worrying about what everyone else is expecting.

I know that when I wrote my first script I got irritated by the way everyone seemed to get hung up on things I didnít see the significance of.

Unfortunately the commenters are right. It takes too much time and effort to review a feature length script if every page is hard to read.

As you make changes in the direction of a cleaner format youíll be astounded at how much better the read becomes. Itís much easier to edit something that you have already written than it is to write fresh pages so hopefully youíll sharpen this up quickly.

To back up what Iím saying I did a word count on your script and it has 28,407. A comedy script of mine has 14,847 words. Your words may be better than mine, but youíre asking people to read twice as many of them!

Philip


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
Charles Martin
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice. Sorry I came across as such an Arrogant Arse but I am proud of this story and feel it will be a great film someday albiet after a few more rewrites it seems.=)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 22
bert
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4184
Posts Per Day
0.68

Quoted from Charles Martin
I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice. Sorry I came across as such an Arrogant Arse but I am proud of this story and feel it will be a great film someday albiet after a few more rewrites it seems.=)


Well, you've got the passion for your story, which is not to be undervalued, and you have pounded out the pages, which is half the battle.  The concept itself seems sound, lending itself to a good story.

Now you need to brush up on some of the bare-bones basics of scriptwriting -- a step you skimped on a bit -- but the good news is, that stuff is the easiest part.

Short paragraphs.  Lean and mean.  Lots of white space on the page.  Kill every "we" you can find unless there is no other way to express the thought.  That should at least get you started on the right track.

Read a few pro scripts to find the correct groove.  Ask questions.  Good luck.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
DD1000
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 12:23am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hello Charles,

You do need to learn to format a spec script and to be more sparse with your words. You may have a 117 pages, but this probably covers only about half the ground of what a properly formatted script would cover.

But, even though it's too wordy, and the formatting is not right, I can see what you're describing, in a lot of places. You're painting pictures with words, and a lot people don't do that. That's a good thing.

Don't lose that -- hang on to this script, learn more about formatting. Learn to be more succinct and then give it a rewrite.

Good luck.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 22
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: July 4th, 2011, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1516
Posts Per Day
0.36
I tried to get past this too, to see what the fuss is about. I laughed hard at the first line of spoken dialog. That said, when dad comes out of the bathroom, what does his daughter say?

"I gotta go"



And she leaves the trailer  
Anyway, most everything's been said, so I'll go with this:


- Try three narrative lines max instead of five;

- Even novelists use correct spelling

- Drop your camera angles.

- When you have an INT. scene, "Inside we see" is not needed. We're already inside.

- Give Mother and Father first names and stick with them. CAP 'em on intro. The aliens skinning them might have more impact if they had names.


Quoted Text
Jake walks out of his trailer and squinting at the bright
desert sun he pulls out a cigarette and his sun glasses from
the same pocket with one hand. Jake walks over to an old
Harley Davidson motorcycle and gets on it. Starting the bike
in one motion, he lights a cigarette and sits for a second
as the motorcycle warms up. Still smoking the cigarette Jake
pulls out onto a dirt road and roars off with the dust
billowing behind him.


Here's something that I find could be used as an example of how to shorten some of this up.
Ask yourself these questions:

1- Jake pulls out ONE cigarette out of a pocket. Same pocket as his sunglasses. Which pocket is it, and what was only ONE cigarette doing there? Last one in the pack? Enough room for his sunglasses too? One hand?

2- How far away is the bike?

3- What does he light his cigarette with? You see the lighter or match? I didn't.

Answer these questions, use active tense. You might wind up with something like this:



Jake walks over to his motorcycle and starts it.
Sits for a second as he lights up a cigarette.
Puts on sunglasses, roars off onto a dirt road.
Arizona dust billows behind him.


See that?
Yes, we don't need to see a lighter, it could be assumed he has one. In order to start the bike he has to get on it. Locale is established; Arizona desert will be hot and bright. If it's an EXT. of the trailer, "we" already see the trailer in the bg somewhere. We assume he came from there. Right?


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  July 5th, 2011, 6:15am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 11 - 22
mcornetto
Posted: July 4th, 2011, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Just a quick note because a couple of people are probably going to wonder about being deleted.  

- It's ok to defend your script in your script thread.  
- It is not ok to bring the argument into other threads.
- It is never ok to call people names.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 22
Charles Martin
Posted: July 5th, 2011, 10:26am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
The biggest complaint I have gotten so far is the use of the word "Poop". Not just here but from friends. I didn't think much of it cause I thought that would be a word used by a little girl. I was dead wrong,lol.
Again, I apprecitate any and all comments made and am jotting notes down constantly for the revision. I am also eagerly awaiting any comments from the folks who read the entire screenplay. You will have my undying gratitude.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
Charles Martin
Posted: July 10th, 2011, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
I am still awaiting comments from anyone who reads the entire screenplay. I would really appreciate them. If you just wish to comment on how bad the opening is and how it just makes it impossible to read further, please don't. Pretend it's an adaption of a novel if this helps and give me advice accordingly. Don't just disregard entire story because I used incorrect formatting and a few typos occur. The Story is supposed to be the most important thing in a script so comment on that. I am not saying what to critique and what not to but I do need advice on the whole screenplay,not just the first few pages. I realize everyone is busy and no one is being paid for their criticisim's so all I can say is, Everyone's comments will be appreciated and the ones already made albiet some showed their elitest colors are recognized and I am thankful.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
LC
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 12:42am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6203
Posts Per Day
1.27
Charles, I'm sure people will be happy to critique your script... but it's quid pro quo on SS, which means if you give some other people some reads they'll reciprocate.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 22
mcornetto
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 1:20am Report to Moderator
Guest User



LC is correct Charles and you can even initiate the exchange by posting on the script review exchange board.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/
Logged
e-mail Reply: 16 - 22
bert
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 6:59am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4184
Posts Per Day
0.68

Quoted from Charles Martin
I am still awaiting comments from anyone who reads the entire screenplay.


And you are still putting the cart before the horse, Charles.


Quoted from Charles
If you just wish to comment on how bad the opening is and how it just makes it impossible to read further, please don't.


That IS the feedback -- for now.

You are very unlikely to get any reader to slog through 117 pages of a script that does not follow the conventions of scriptwriting.  It makes reading too difficult, when there are literally thousands of properly-formatted scripts around here seeking readers -- just like you are.

Think about it this way; say I were to give you a novel, in which every third word was printed upside-down -- and then tell you, "Please just comment on the story, because everybody has already told me that every third word is upside-down."

Wouldn't you say, "Well, please fix that problem first -- then perhaps I will read it."

That is kind of an extreme example, of course, but this is what people are telling you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  July 11th, 2011, 7:12am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 22
ajr
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1474
Posts Per Day
0.33
Brilliant as usual, Bert. You are the smartest man I know and I hate you for it...

(0:

Seriously though Charles, Bert is correct. And think of it another way - part of screenwriting is discipline. And producers and agents look for that. It's a job, and these professionals are going to seek out those at the top of their field. EVERYONE has ideas; the trick is to package them properly, in a readable and entertaining form, and in industry standard format so that industry insiders can compare apples to apples...

As for numerous spelling mistakes, that again is a lack of discipline - it tells the reader that you don't care enough to put the time in and that your story should stand on its own merits. That works for Spielberg and Cameron - not the rest of us. After all, if you don't care enough to get your own work in perfectly readable form, why should someone care enough to give you millions of dollars to produce it?

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 22
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 11th, 2011, 8:22am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7481
Posts Per Day
1.47
You got some reads from a few people at MP.

I don't know how much Script Savvy charges, but you might want to get http://screenplayreaders.com/  a try. It's still paying money, but $59 is a pretty fair price and you get about 5 pages of notes including a RECOMMEND, CONSIDER or PASS which will give you an idea of how an agency might look at your script since the readers there are studio and agency readers.  


.
SS, is still free...
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 22
Trojan
Posted: July 12th, 2011, 5:28am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
394
Posts Per Day
0.08

Quoted from Charles Martin
I am still awaiting comments from anyone who reads the entire screenplay. I would really appreciate them. If you just wish to comment on how bad the opening is and how it just makes it impossible to read further, please don't. Pretend it's an adaption of a novel if this helps and give me advice accordingly. Don't just disregard entire story because I used incorrect formatting and a few typos occur. The Story is supposed to be the most important thing in a script so comment on that. I am not saying what to critique and what not to but I do need advice on the whole screenplay,not just the first few pages. I realize everyone is busy and no one is being paid for their criticisim's so all I can say is, Everyone's comments will be appreciated and the ones already made albiet some showed their elitest colors are recognized and I am thankful.


It's not just the opening here that is the problem. It's the whole script. The mistakes you make on the first page are continued on every page. If you want the honest truth, this script is terrible. I'm not saying that to be rude, but you don't seem to realise how important it is to write a screenplay that is attractive to read. Nobody will read this whole script in its current state. It's not a few formatting issues or typos. It's huge, utterly never-ending chunks of text that scream 'Don't Read Me!!!'

Have you heard the guidelines about keeping your prose to three or four lines max? I would hazard a guess that you haven't, as you have descriptions that are over 20 lines long!! Seriously, you couldn't make it less appealing to read if you tried.

If you have a story buried somewhere in there, that's great. Now spend your time learning how to tell it in a way that gets people excited. At the moment it's a bit like someone stumbling through a joke, messing up the whole setup and then when no one laughs at the punchline, saying 'well, guess you had to be there'. The story might look great inside your own head, but you need to convert that to on paper.

Everyone is telling you the same thing, so don't dismiss the advice. Having the attitude that people are being elitist by pointing out the biggest problems in your work is not going to take you very far.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 22
mcornetto
Posted: July 12th, 2011, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Charles,

I'm the first to say do what you need to do creatively.  And if it's for your own enjoyment then do it how you want and fuck everyone else.  You can ask anyone on this site and they will say 'Yep, that's Michael'.

However, if you want other people to enjoy the fruits of your creativity then you have to make concessions to what they need from it as well.  In this case that's readability.  Everyone, and not just here, has told you they need that.  Please just break up those action blocks and be done with it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 21 - 22
triband
Posted: July 28th, 2011, 6:58am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
read the first 10 pages, I actually laughed with the dad in the toilet, reminded me of the royale family, but then, I was saddened by the horrible way in which they were tortured, then the jump of years out of no where, its all a little confusing, i will try to get through the whole thing, im just reading through the first 10 pages of each script at the moment, as people said, its help each other on this board
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006