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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Cabin - Sold! Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Cabin - Sold!  (currently 1567 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2017, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Cabin by Nathan Illsley - Thriller - Eight strangers wake up in an isolated cabin with no recollection of how they got there, their only insight being a short voice recording explaining that only one will be allowed to make it out alive. As the night goes on and the body count rises, the group realizes that they may be more connected than they know. 100 pages

Treatment - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 1st, 2017, 1:25pm
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 21st, 2017, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting premise, something definitely right up my alley. Hopefully I can get through this but I can give you some feedback on the first couple.

Code

After a few moments, white writing fades in, one line at a
time:
“At his best, man is the noblest of all animals;
Separated from law and justice, he is the worst.
- Aristotle”
It pauses for a few moments and then fades away. We stay on
the black screen for another few seconds.



Is this a shooting script? If it isn't, it is way too specific, just worry about putting the quote, you really can't dictate the editing choices in an unproduced script.

Code

MAN (CONT’D)
Don’t be afraid. We’re all in the
same situation, okay? We’re not
gonna hurt you.



If we can see the man, give him the name already, even if he doesn't introduce himself to the main character till later (as he does a couple of lines later)

For the most part, writing is strong IMO.

I'm only five pages in, but this already rings very similar to SAW 2, strangers wake up in a random house, monitored by a man who wants them to pay for their sins? It's just the beginning, so it's Ok, just a thought.

Good job with the characters so far, they each already have their own way of saying things, they are easy to follow.

I really like the writing, and the premise is interesting, but also very overdone, I'm hoping there's some way you twist this around to make it your own. I might continue reading, I've been very busy lately.

Best of luck,
Luis
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Don
Posted: June 1st, 2017, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nate has sold this script.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 1st, 2017, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Nate!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 1st, 2017, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, I randomly glanced at the script. Next thing I know I'm reading the entire thing straight through on my phone while almost running into multiple people on the street not paying attention to where I'm going. You got mad talent. Best of luck with it!


That rug really tied the room together.
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LC
Posted: June 2nd, 2017, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Nate, congrats! That's got to a be record in terms of time posted and Option.

I'm only up to p38 and I can see why this was snapped up.

A Thriller/Horror that's plotted well with intrigue from the get go.

Imh, different enough to Saw. Characters already fleshed out from Act 1, with enough 'unknowns' to keep the suspense going. Pages fly by.

This may seem trivial, you're clearly an accomplished writer. With that in mind, take on board the 'lie/lay' rule. It's amazing how many writers get this wrong, so you're not alone.

Example: He watches as a pool of blood forms around the man as he lay
motionless on the ground.

The man lies in a pool of blood, not lay or lays.

There are a few ways to write this, but using yours:

He watches as a pool of blood forms around the man now lying motionless on the ground.

Quite a few instances of this throughout.

...his arms lay limp next to his body. lie limp
Cliff's body lays motionless...' lies motionless.

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

Anyway, great job. I'm still reading...

...

too infatuated on what she sees
I'd use a word like: engrossed

8 tarot cards
eight tarot cards

Typo:
eventually jut puts them in her pocket. (just) p.59

jolts up the ladder,
bolts? up the ladder

I won't continue with the dissection. Will let you know re story when I'm done.

...
I just want add: Character names Karly and Karen, a bit too much alike imh.

Satisfying ending with Karly. Some of the best stories leave some things up in the air.
All the best with this.  





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LC  -  June 2nd, 2017, 8:59pm
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SteveClark
Posted: June 2nd, 2017, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Can I graduate?

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This is one of the first scripts, at least that I've noticed, to include a treatment. Wonder if that had any bearing on the script being read, and eventually, sold.


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eldave1
Posted: June 2nd, 2017, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice indeed


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Tyler King
Posted: July 5th, 2017, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Just saw this on here, too bad I couldn't get to read the script before it was taken down, but I read the treatment and it sounds A LOT like Saw II, with a little bit of originality to it... But congrats on getting it sold, that's amazing
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