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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Mis[s]taken Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mis[s]taken by Bryce - Thriller - Abbi, a Reno High School Senior, has vanished – leaving authorities without a trace. Her single mother, Lori,  is left only with questions surrounding her daughter’s disappearance. As Lori struggles for answers, more questions amass when a determined Abbi-copycat wants to play. 82 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 16th, 2017, 6:20pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Bryce: Not a promising start.

Page 1

First scene heading = wrong format

N need to number scenes

Indents on action = wrong format

Page length, margins and fonts are not standard

You don't indicate where the opening VO comes from - radio maybe?

Anyway - will take another look if this gets cleaned up. But not now


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BThomas
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Would you recommend using Amazon Storywriter?

I used a template for this one, but it seems the formatting is all wrong.
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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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eldave1
Posted: August 14th, 2017, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BThomas
Would you recommend using Amazon Storywriter?

I used a template for this one, but it seems the formatting is all wrong.


Libby's links have all you need to know - lots of good free options


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BThomas
Posted: August 14th, 2017, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you both!

Sent it through for an updated revision, looks properly formatted now.

Looking for some feedback. First real screenplay, worked more on novels. So, anything helps like if I need to be less descriptive, more descriptive. I'm over-analyzing some scenes/dialogue I think needs work, and I'm interested to see what anyone has to say - if you can find the time.
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Bryce:

I would lose the footer on each page - it distracts from the read.

Same with the Scene Numbers - you don't need them.

Formatting still slightly off - you don't need the indent on the action lines after your scene headings. They should line up. Check out any script here.

I would Lose the CUT TOs and the automatic CONT'Ds on top of each page - not really needed.


Quoted Text
1. EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. EARLY MORNING. 1

A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee,
lightly blowing across it as he slowly drives his
delivery van down the street.


The scene heading is wrong. We are in the van.  You can either separate these in two headings:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY

A van creeps down the road.

INT. VAN - DAY

A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee...

Or you can combine them.

INT/EXT. VAN ON RESIDENTIAL STREET (TRAVELLING) - DAY

The format of your scene heading is also wrong. Here is a good resource:

http://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Also - would be real helpful here if you described the man when introduced. e.g., is he 18 or 70 for example?


Quoted Text
A YOUNG MAN is kneeling in the back of the van, tossing
copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.


Better to write active. i.e., rather than a young man is kneeling, write - a young man kneels.

Check for this throughout your script.



Quoted Text
MARK (V.O)
Investigators are looking
further into the
circumstances surrounding the


Who's Mark? Same with Kathy later. You have zero descriptions for these characters. We don't even know their age.

Anyway - a few things you can work with.






My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BThomas
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Bryce:

I would lose the footer on each page - it distracts from the read.

Same with the Scene Numbers - you don't need them.

Formatting still slightly off - you don't need the indent on the action lines after your scene headings. They should line up. Check out any script here.

I would Lose the CUT TOs and the automatic CONT'Ds on top of each page - not really needed.



The scene heading is wrong. We are in the van.  You can either separate these in two headings:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY

A van creeps down the road.

INT. VAN - DAY

A MAN nips at his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee...

Or you can combine them.

INT/EXT. VAN ON RESIDENTIAL STREET (TRAVELLING) - DAY

The format of your scene heading is also wrong. Here is a good resource:

http://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Also - would be real helpful here if you described the man when introduced. e.g., is he 18 or 70 for example?



Better to write active. i.e., rather than a young man is kneeling, write - a young man kneels.

Check for this throughout your script.




Who's Mark? Same with Kathy later. You have zero descriptions for these characters. We don't even know their age.

Anyway - a few things you can work with.






Yeah, I clicked on the link. The old version is still up. The new one I sent in, so I'm not sure when it's going to be posted.

The new revision doesn't have scene numbers, I dropped the footer, and clarified what we are seeing and hearing.

As for Mark, I describe him at the end as the New's Broadcast runs during the credits as it's the first time you actually see him. Kathy, I added her age when the broadcast cuts to her filming where Abbi's car was found.

I get where you're going with the scene headings, and combining them. I'll work on that.
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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Okay dokay

You may want to consider losing all of the camera directions - not common in a spec script.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BThomas
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Okay dokay

You may want to consider losing all of the camera directions - not common in a spec script.


Yeah, I was confused when I saw it was revised, haha. I emailed the staff with the new revision just now.

Got rid of the directions in the new draft, too.
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BThomas
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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New revision is up! Thanks, Don.
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Dustin
Posted: August 17th, 2017, 3:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Get rid of all the 'we see', 'we hear' stuff.

Code

We see a YOUNG MAN kneeling in the back of the van, tossing
copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.




A YOUNG MAN kneels in the back of the van, tossing
copies of the Reno Record out of the open door.


Code

We hear a Television New's Broadcast.



Why is it a TV news broadcast and not playing through the radio? I wouldn't even write the above line of action. As it's a sound we could simply hear it, like so:

THROUGH RADIO (VO)
Blah Blah Blah.


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BThomas
Posted: August 17th, 2017, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin, thanks for the feedback.

Just out of curiosity since I'm new to screenwriting, what is the proper way to indicate certain sounds or points of interest we should be seeing or hearing?

For example. In one scene my lead, Detective Etheridge, is seen walking into a building and we hear knocking as he's crossing the street before it cuts to him standing outside of the suspect's door. In my script, I wrote it as:

"We hear loud knocking as we follow Etheridge into KIMBERLY'S BUILDING--"

For seeing something:

"Etheridge finishes scribbling, stands up, and grabs his jacket.

On Etheridge’s notepad, we see ‘MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave’."
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Dustin
Posted: August 17th, 2017, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from BThomas

For example. In one scene my lead, Detective Etheridge, is seen walking into a building and we hear knocking as he's crossing the street before it cuts to him standing outside of the suspect's door. In my script, I wrote it as:

"We hear loud knocking as we follow Etheridge into KIMBERLY'S BUILDING--"


You're directing the way the scene should be shot. For one thing, reading 'knocking' I have no idea what type of knocking I'm meant to be hearing. Why does he even need to walk into the building? Just have him knock the door.

"Etheridge bangs on the door."


Quoted Text
For seeing something:

"Etheridge finishes scribbling, stands up, and grabs his jacket.

On Etheridge’s notepad, we see ‘MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave’."


Etheridge scribbles 'MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave.' on a notepad.

or...

Etheridge scribbles on the notepad then leaves.

On the notepad, 'MAX BENSON - 145 Bret Harte Ave.'




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BThomas
Posted: August 17th, 2017, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Makes sense. I'll work on that.

Thank you for clarifying for me.
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