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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Blood and Feathers - WT - Produced Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Blood and Feathers - WT - Produced  (currently 1532 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood and Feathers by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow)   - Short, Horror - How far would you go to save your savior?  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work






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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2019, 5:18pm
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Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:41am Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Obscured mostly in shadow, a brooding CREATURE watches from
behind dark drapery. The only light hits its angular, bony
face. Only muscle and bone, this creature. And grotesque.



This is great, but it wants for slightly more. The precise source of the light would help with the visual here for me. Also, the build of the creature is something I'm struggling to find. Just because it has a bony face doesn't automatically make it bony-looking all over. It would only take one word to complete this image.

Code

Across the room, a tall, lanky NATHAN CARROLL, 35...



Just 'lanky' is enough.

Code

Nathan bends over. Pauses. Then dismissing this feeling, he
kisses Starling’s forehead and shuffles out.



Again, some confusing visuals. He bends over, where? Dismisses what feeling? There's no indication of him feeling anything.

Code

The creature emerges from the darkness. Tall, at least seven
feet, and with a set of feathered wings, hooves for feet, it
walks to the bed, kneels down.



It's awkwardly structured. Still no indication as to the actual build of the creature.

Code

 ...the rope is taught.



Taut.

Code

ANGEL
You think you can butcher me up
like any old farmyard animal? 



cringe-worthy dialogue... like a cheesy one-liner from a bad action film.

Code

ANGEL
Stop this foolishness and let me
get on. That girl’s living in a
prison of her own ya know.



hm... more bad dialogue from the Angel.

Code

ANGEL
Stop this foolishness and let me
get on. That girl’s living in a
prison of her own ya know.

NATHAN
You will never take her!

ANGEL
I have a job to do.

NATHAN
Over my dead body! 



You could just cut all of this and the story would be a lot better. This is OTN and simply unnecessary.

Decent story that needs a lot of work.

Writing: 2.5
Story: 4

3.25
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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Start out clunky from a writing perspective - it took two reads to clearly see where are the characters were in the scene.

Starting picking up steam after that - I liked it. Good entry. Solid premise.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Chainsaw is one word.

Damn, dark story when you sit down and think about it. Nathan was trying to stop his cancer-ridden daughter from being taken to heaven. Probably the best premise I've read so far.

Writing - 4/5
Story - 4.5/5

Total - 4.25
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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Killing villains since 1980!

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Personal prison check.
Horror check.
I can imagine all three characters acting this way.  Dialog is a bit clunky and cliché.
Good execution of parameters.

The only nitpick is the description that goes from demon to angel.  I was confused as to why.
Also couldn't tell if Azazel was evil or not.  Angels are typically shown to be good, while demons are evil.  But if he's evil why take a form to ease the girl?

Good job.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Very interesting story-wise. Execution needs work. I think you could up the mystery/suspense if they're both afraid of the Angel... and/or we don't know it's an Angel at all till much later.

Maybe the father has been telling the daughter something evil is coming for her, and we the audience are led to believe the same thing.

I don't know, maybe that's not the problem and it's just the dialogue. There's a lot of lines that could do with some tweaking for example...

STARLING
I’ve heard of guardian angels
before, but I’ve never seen one.

**I don't think you need a line here at all. We see it's a guardian angel and she'd probably be too shocked to say anything.

ANGEL
Stop this foolishness and let me
get on. That girl’s living in a
prison of her own ya know.

**I don't know if that's a southern accent or what but it doesn't sound like an Angel. Not that I know any personally. But I don't think they'd talk like this.

Definitely work on trimming/tweaking the dialogue. There's a good story here. Nice job overall.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm kind of up the middle on this one.

In one respect it doesn't fit the criteria because it's not a literal prison. I get that Starling is in her own personal prison, however as I understand the challenges laid forth for us, the modifiers are not supposed to be figurative.

I like the fact that Starling sees Azeal as an angel, of course different from how her father does. And there's a huge emotional payoff to this script that I wish the writer would have mined more, instead of concentrating on the blood and guts part. I get the fact that it was necessary in order to tick the horror box, I guess.

Little point of logic, and again this is well-written and emotional so it's more like grading an AP Calc paper - not sure why the angel was able to be subdued by the father. Also, I think the father being able to see the Angel negates the magic - we can buy the innocence of children and the fact that Starling is sick for the fact that she is able to see him, but why is the father able? Would it stand to reason then that all parents in this universe could see all Angels of Death?

Again, up the middle on it - was good, I think it has the potential to be so much better if the emotion was concentrated on.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Nailed it. Very cool. I recognize the writing style but can't put my finger on exactly who wrote this. I liked the reveal and your interpretation of a private prison.

Great work for 48 hours.
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pale yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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You guys please do not waste time reading this one.

I have been told it completely breaks the parameters. I will read all the others but I'm disqualified. And I've asked Don to trash this one.

Thank you to those who read. I'll get through all the reads this week.

Love and Light.


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Steven
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from pale yellow
You guys please do not waste time reading this one.

I have been told it completely breaks the parameters. I will read all the others but I'm disqualified. And I've asked Don to trash this one.

Thank you to those who read. I'll get through all the reads this week.

Love and Light.


Seriously?
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Don't do this!!!! It's a pairing I read and the other contestant did equally, even more imo, derail from the criteria. Not saying that I vote for or against you. Honestly, delete your comment quickly.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

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Don't trash this one! It was great. I liked it a lot. How did it break the parameters? Was it because the prison was not a 'private prison'? It probably would've been better if Starling was too weak to move and go to the barn. I get why she did, but if she were really trapped in her own prison--her body--then she should've been too weak to get up or something. Or were the parameters broken because it is revealed that the angel is not actually a guardian angel? Good job anyway!


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khamanna
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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How does it break the parameters? Interesting, I thought we were supposed to decide for ourselves.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Blood And Feathers

Short notes: The girl hitting her father with a shovel wasn't believable/established enough. Then you really let the girl emotionally lose the script… I'm not satisfied or agree with this decision, no matter which genre it is. It was a big mistake imo and completely harmed what I otherwise experienced as well-crafted storytelling with lots of nice action elements.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 4

total: 8


@ after reading your criteria I must do some adjustments.

1: As it seems, you have laid out the private prison location as a situation of "captured at home". I don't agree with that interpretation –2 point
2. While the Guardian Angel is a thematically subject of the script, the character shown and his role for the script is no way what I'd connect with a guardian angel -2 points. It's a too subtle interpretation for me.

NEW TOTAL: 4 Points


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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DanC
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Dena, I disagree about the parameters not being met.  She was in a personal prison.  And she did see an angel.  It wasn't a guardian angel per se  but pretty close.

How can the other one  not be DQD for the same reason??  The other one was a ghost, not a guardian angel.

I would have voted for this one.

Remember Bill's amazing story "the elevator most belonging to Alice?".  That stretched the elevator rule a zillion ways, and was amazing.

Just my 2 cents

Dsn


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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