SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 19th, 2019, 8:35am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
Final Standings

Round Five (5) Standings Posted




Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Red Sun Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Red Sun  (currently 10034 views)
leitskev
Posted: March 15th, 2011, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3136
Posts Per Day
0.99
About a third of the way done E.D. and taking notes.

So far, a good read, plenty to keep one's interest. In most areas the dialogue is pretty natural, but dialogue will be a big challenge in this effort. You have Yankee soldiers, Confederate outlaws, and Samarai. The only issue I would raise is that I am starting to get a Jackie Chan type image in my head with Kuroda. I don't know if that's good or bad.

But overall a very enjoyable read so far!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 45 - 82
bert
Posted: March 16th, 2011, 10:03am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4517
Posts Per Day
0.87
I liked this more than I thought I would.  The premise was engaging, and it did not take too long to get underway with the action, which is a problem I frequently encounter in this genre, though that may just be my personal preferences coming through. Having a mental image of Charles Bronson in place for Link certainly did not hurt.

There are a lot of characters introduced within the first few pages.  I was not terribly confused, but the script might benefit from spacing them out a bit.

You do parentheticals wrong.  Look it up.

You should give Link something more clever to say during the hold-up.  His dialogue is cliché when you should be forging him into a more unique and ultimately likable character.

I am not sure they had rifle scopes in the old west.  Even if they did, it still strikes me as anachronistic and kind of unnecessary anyway.

The scene where Link teams with Kodura is not working quite right.  I am talking around page 22 or so.  Kodura is following orders, and that is fine, but Link needs something more compelling if we are to believe him agreeing to this arrangement.  Perhaps some promise of a reward from the Ambassador, combined with his opportunity to exact some vengeance, would do the trick.

I like the interactions between Link and Christina at the hotel -- it is amusing -- but it also has a kind of 70's slapstick feel to it.  I am betting much of this is from the original, and I am not sure if that kind of stuff would play today.  Maybe.   The action the next morning, however, is quite good.

Starting around page 73, I had no idea what was going on for the better part of this scene.  This is with the ice and stuff.  The "sound effects" that you provided shed no light on my confusion, and I do not think they were very good or even accurate.  They were certainly too drawn out, at any rate.  There is danger here, and it is ultimately a good scene, but it could be better if clarified from the outset.   Perhaps the slugline establishing their location could be improved.  I think this scene is an example of the author knowing what it going on and not realizing how confusing things are to the reader without explicit details.

There is plenty of action to support the climax, but the delivery is a bit staccato for my liking, and I was not always certain what was going on.  I know you are kind of experimenting with that "stacking" sort of style, but at the same time you should not be afraid to open up the narrative a bit here and there when clarity demands a few extra words.
    
There was a solid story and characters here.  To me, the weakest link was Christina, who was kind of a one-note bitch throughout, and it would have been nice if you could add some extra layers to her.  But women typically get short-changed in this genre anyway, I suppose.

This was good enough that it made me want to see the film upon which this is based.  I checked and I can get it through Netflix. I can certainly see the comparisons to "Shanghai Noon", although "Red Sun" plays it more straight as opposed to comedic.  There is humor in this script, but it is with a lighter touch, and I think that serves the material well.

I honestly have very few problems with this script, as the story is sound and all the pieces fit into place pretty well.  Let me know if you have any specific questions regarding this that I might address for you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 17th, 2011, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from leitskev
About a third of the way done E.D. and taking notes.

So far, a good read, plenty to keep one's interest. In most areas the dialogue is pretty natural, but dialogue will be a big challenge in this effort. You have Yankee soldiers, Confederate outlaws, and Samarai. The only issue I would raise is that I am starting to get a Jackie Chan type image in my head with Kuroda. I don't know if that's good or bad.

But overall a very enjoyable read so far!

Hey Leitskiv!

I'm glad you are enjoying the read so far.
Adventure tales should have plenty to keep the reader busy.
Trying to keep the dialogue fresh but authentic is certainly a tightrope act.
Funny you should mention Jackie Chan.
Red Sun was very loosely remade in 2000, Jackie Chan movie called "Shanghai Noon".
Looking forward to your comments, thanks again for the effort.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 17th, 2011, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from bert
I liked this more than I thought I would.  The premise was engaging, and it did not take too long to get underway with the action, which is a problem I frequently encounter in this genre, though that may just be my personal preferences coming through. Having a mental image of Charles Bronson in place for Link certainly did not hurt.

Hey Bert!

Thanks truckloads for the read, your opinion is valued and always well stated.
I'm very pleased to here this exceeded your expectations for the genre.
Non Western fans enjoying the script is very encouraging to hear.
I try to create an engaging structure and characters to transcend the genre.

Quoted from bert

There are a lot of characters introduced within the first few pages.  I was not terribly confused, but the script might benefit from spacing them out a bit.

I agree but I'm rather stumped as to whom to trim down.
Some are thrown off the train or dead in 15 pages.
Perhaps save the parents intro until they are in the car? Could work.

Quoted from bert

You do parentheticals wrong.  Look it up.

I'll have to look into this, is it something drastic?
If so, perhaps you could provide an example. Thanks.

Quoted from bert

You should give Link something more clever to say during the hold-up.  His dialogue is cliché when you should be forging him into a more unique and ultimately likable character.

I can take a look at the for sure on the next go around, thanks.

Quoted from bert

I am not sure they had rifle scopes in the old west.  Even if they did, it still strikes me as anachronistic and kind of unnecessary anyway.

They sure did, I researched the early use of scopes in America.
They started using them sparingly a decade before the story takes place.
The scope POV does play a fairly integral part of the climax.
However, if I get a lot of notes about this, I'll reconsider it, thanks.

Quoted from bert

The scene where Link teams with Kodura is not working quite right.  I am talking around page 22 or so.  Kodura is following orders, and that is fine, but Link needs something more compelling if we are to believe him agreeing to this arrangement.  Perhaps some promise of a reward from the Ambassador, combined with his opportunity to exact some vengeance, would do the trick.

The part Link resists is bringing Kuroda along.
He already intends to hunt down Gault.
Link is unarmed, wrist bound and a katana at his throat.
I thought that was a fairly compelling reason to let the samurai tag along.
He can ditch the tenderfoot later, in his mind, and tries to do so.
But you think that's a weak motivator to carry through that scene?
Hmm, I'll have to take a closer look at that then, thanks.

Quoted from bert

I like the interactions between Link and Christina at the hotel -- it is amusing -- but it also has a kind of 70's slapstick feel to it.  I am betting much of this is from the original, and I am not sure if that kind of stuff would play today.  Maybe.   The action the next morning, however, is quite good.

The tone of Link and Christina starts out very much like the original film.
My script deviates from the original once they leave the hotel and Link spares her.
I like that they are very direct with each other.
Christina has no problem voicing her selfish motivations to Link.
They have a past, albeit stormy, and I wanted to show that.
They discuss double crossing others in a matter of fact way.
And I hope that suggests the past that I was trying for.
Christina is a bitch, but she's direct about her intentions.
I thought that would help give her more dimension.
I gather from your comments though that was not the case.

The hotel shootout was a real chore to make fire on all cylinders.
It's a completely original sequence set in the hotel from the film.
I wanted to build more tension and make the action more character centric.
I find one of the best ways to do that is to find logical reasons to split people up.
Shootouts get way more interesting when it's an ambush or fort defense.
Scenarios like that necessitate strategy, hence the tension I prefer to write.
Carrying out that strategy gives urgency to even the simplest of actions for me.

Quoted from bert

Starting around page 73, I had no idea what was going on for the better part of this scene.  This is with the ice and stuff.  The "sound effects" that you provided shed no light on my confusion, and I do not think they were very good or even accurate.  They were certainly too drawn out, at any rate.  There is danger here, and it is ultimately a good scene, but it could be better if clarified from the outset.   Perhaps the slugline establishing their location could be improved.  I think this scene is an example of the author knowing what it going on and not realizing how confusing things are to the reader without explicit details.

I'll take a very close look at this and address your concerns, thanks.

Quoted from bert

There is plenty of action to support the climax, but the delivery is a bit staccato for my liking, and I was not always certain what was going on.  I know you are kind of experimenting with that "stacking" sort of style, but at the same time you should not be afraid to open up the narrative a bit here and there when clarity demands a few extra words.

You're spot on in your assessment, I am still zeroing on my style.
To that end, I think I'm getting closer.
However, I think I over corrected and now can go back and fill in some spots.
I chopped out nine pages of this last draft by trimming my description.
Not a single scene was trimmed and dialogue was expanded.
And I still managed to trim out nine pages down to 101 total.
So, I think I've earned the right to support the description where it needs it.

Quoted from bert
  
This was good enough that it made me want to see the film upon which this is based.  I checked and I can get it through Netflix. I can certainly see the comparisons to "Shanghai Noon", although "Red Sun" plays it more straight as opposed to comedic.  There is humor in this script, but it is with a lighter touch, and I think that serves the material well.

I honestly have very few problems with this script, as the story is sound and all the pieces fit into place pretty well.  Let me know if you have any specific questions regarding this that I might address for you.

It's great to hear this encouraged to to seek out the original film. Fantastic.
I would LOVE to hear a comparison from you, should you feel inclined.
I'm glad to hear you mention the humor in the script.
I tried hard to lightly sprinkle plot centric humor throughout the script.
I'm weary of depressing angst ridden action adventure stories.
I think Pogo is the only one that gets random slapstick, face down in the mud.
I truly believe the humor highlights the drama of an adventure story's climax.
In my experience we're more likely to feel for them if we laughed with them earlier.

If you had any specific thoughts about villain clarity, I would like to hear it.
I've gotten a few notes about Gault being a weak villain.
And the Captain and Stone kind of making it further unclear.
Gault is more a second act carrot than a straight up villain, it's a tightrope.
Any thoughts to villain structure would be appreciated.

I'm grateful for the detailed review, thanks a lot Bert.
I'm on tender hooks waiting to read the next draft of The Farm!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 48 - 82
greg
Posted: March 17th, 2011, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1870
Posts Per Day
0.36
Hi Brett,

I was going to read this in chunks but wound up reading the whole thing last night.  That's a testament to good flow.  I haven't seen the original Red Sun so this is an "original" story to me.  I guess if you don't agree with something I say then you can just blame it on that haha.

So this read very fast.  The only parts which really dragged, and this is a big point, were the opening and closing sequences.  The first few pages there's a barrage of characters introduced and immediately go into action, leaving little room to develop them enough so we know what the hell is going on.  At least that's how I was feeling.  It wasn't until after the smoke cleared from the opening action sequence that I really figured out who was who.  And the thing is, at 101 pages, you do have some room to tinker with.  I know - 101 pages is beautiful.  Maybe take out some of the more specific action and replace it with dialogue or tone the description down a little bit so it's easier to get into the grind of things.  Likewise the final action sequence was kind of rough for me too.  Maybe it's the style you've chosen to write in, which is, I think, stacked?  It's just there's a lot of detail going into it that I think you could away without listing so much of.

Everything in between flowed very well.  Some good humor, good characters, and a nice western vibe to it.  A couple things to note with the characters because there was a lot of 'em; the first thing is Mace.  He was introduced as a kind of sort of integral character in the beginning mentioned a few times throughout, then surfaced toward the end as a kind of sort of integral character.  The thing is though I didn't feel that way about him.  He just came off as a guy who surfaced, did/said something important, then blew some things up.  Gault I would have liked to see more of.  I'm torn on my thoughts on this; we know he's the villain, we know Link and Kuroda are after him, I'm just not sure of how I feel about never seeing him except for the first and final sequences.  I can really go either way on it.  I also would have liked more insight into Kuroda.  We know his goals, we know his lifestyle, we know what he wants, but I would have liked to see more of his personality and a little more story for him.  Everyone else, I think, was fine.  

Where I fell flat with the story was the involvement of Chamberlain and Holly and all those guys.  They were in several scenes and played pretty big parts but I just wasn't too into them.  Again, I bring up the opening and closing sequences as being overly convoluted and also these guys were pretty integral in them so that's definitely a contribution.  

The descriptions, I think, you should take another look at.  Stacking is a good in theory but in major action scenes I'm not sure it entirely pays off.  Or at least break the action apart with dialogue or something.  You've got the benefit of having room to play with, so give it a shot.

Overall I liked this.  It's a nice western, has some good battles, some good western themes, some good humor, and it paces for the most part pretty well.  

So nice job on this, Brett!

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 49 - 82
bert
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 10:30am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4517
Posts Per Day
0.87

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I'll have to look into this, is it something drastic?


No, I was just too lazy to provide an example.  Like your teachers used to tell you -- look it up yourself you'll remember it better.


Quoted from E.D.
I researched the early use of scopes in America...if I get a lot of notes about this, I'll reconsider it.


Always refreshing to hear -- and in that case, do not reconsider it.  If you're good, you're good.


Quoted from E.D.
If you had any specific thoughts about villain clarity, I would like to hear it.


You know, I really didn't until you mentioned it.  And Greg kind of touched on it that Gualt is really absent for so much of the picture, so he does not get much screen time to really make an impression.

Not sure if there is a cure for that, and again, it wasn't really a major problem for me until you forced me to think about it, so whatever.



Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 82
RayW
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 10:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1839
Posts Per Day
0.56
Character crib sheet:
LINK STUART (40's), weathered cowboy, "partner" with GAULT
DEKE, his Palomino horse
SMIRKER (20's), buck toothed
RANCE GAULT (30s), hawk eyed predator,"partner" with LINK
ELLIS (60's), silver beard and spectacles
MACE (20's), lanky and pale
WHISKEY (20's), yellow teeth and red hair


KURODA JUBEI (30's) The meticulously dressed samurai
NAMURO (30's), stern samurai
AMBASSADOR NOKUMURA (50's)

STONE (40's) Sheriff from Cheyenne
CAPTAIN CHAMBERLAIN (30's) uniform buttons and sword hilt shine
CORPORAL HOLLY (17), freckles


JORGE (5)
PEPITA (30's) Spanish blossom in full bloom
POGO (40's) a sweaty barrel of a man
MARIA (20's), porcelain beauty
CHRISTINA (30's), a Scandinavian tsunami with hourglass hips




Pg 4 FOUR GANG MEMBERS stand up. They pull out weapons.
Counting LINK, that makes five to this gang. Up to this point, the reader can only associate three people with the gang: Link, Ellis and Gault.

Fantastic lines:
MACE It's a work in progress
LINK Smirker, you put a bun in a nun?

Unfortunately, and for understandable climactic reasons, Mace never will finish up this WIP.
Modify his last statements to include something along the lines of "next best thing is to get the cannon".
Probably don't want to go the Gladiator "maybe in the next life" route.

After Link and Kuroda start talking it's d@mn near impossible to NOT envision Owen Wilson & Jackie Chan.

IMHO, this will immensely work adversely in this production's potential.  

Pg 31 Kuroda severs Whiskey's hand off at the wrist.
Well... up until this you have a nice PG-13 show going on.
But right on the heels of attempted rape (of a possible minor) comes this.
I dunno.
A third of the way in is kinda deep to be "switching horses", so to speak.

The samurai opens up Whiskey's throat with his steel. Blood
flow chokes the sound. Whiskey falls to the floor.

Aw... h3ll. R. 4 shur.

Pg 32 Kuroda sheaths the crimson stained weapon.
Unlikely.
Maybe you're shooting for a little dramatic movie magic, but no sensible soldier is going to sheath a bloody blade back into it's scabbard.
Kuroda would've cleaned it off on something.
Maybe dead red's shirt on the bed post?

Pg 35 Is "prick" anachronistically acceptable?

A glut of gold coins and guts spill out of him.
R.
Jorge smiles proud and wide. He holsters his toy gun.
G.

Waitaminit...
Go back...
Ponytail splits the well's pulley with a shot.
followed by blah blah blah
Kuroda helps Link climb up to safety.
Was that Ponytail's last dying shot?
D@mn. That's a pretty lucky death-shot there.
In all seriousness, there's some major wiffle-waffle back and forth between some fun PG-13 movie magic and what would be called rated R-U-FN'-kidding-me?!
Do you want this to be R or PG-13?

Kuroda sticks a shovel into a fresh grave by the barn.
Link tests the makeshift repairs on the well.

Grave? Whose grave? Who'd they bury?
Surely not PONCHO, PONYTAIL, CAVALRY HAT, FATTY and BANDOLIER?
First, that'd be "graves", plural.
Second, it takes waaaay too much time to dig and bury one guy, let alone five.
Third, this is rated R: Drag 'em by rope back to town or at least halfway to town.
Fourth, what?! Repairs on the well? WTH happened to the well? The pulley was split (wooden?), which means some SOB had to go back down the well to retrieve the bucket and rope? Then they re-pullied it?
Pshhhh. Samurai Sam has only five days left before it's seppuku time.
Ain't got time.
Drag 'em! Wave g'bye to the kids.

Rosa and Jorge watch Link. The boy covers his mouth.
LINK What? (remembers) Oh.

G.

KURODA What is, the nag?
LINK Nag means excellent horse, easy to ride, no problems for foreigners.

G.

LINK Kuroda, you can't spend ideals.
The pair stare at each other. Impasse.

Classic principle vs. practicality. Nice.

LINK What's going on?
KURODA I saw, a big animal.
LINK Is that a fact?
KURODA Yes, this is, a fact.

Owen and Jackie. All the way.


Pg 46. Kuroda lays down. He turns away from THE cackling cowboy.

Captain Chamberlain and a WHORE enter from the BAR.
PG-13

LINK Why not thirty?
  
I'm having a hard time flip-flopping between the way Owen Wilson would deliver that line and the way Clint Eastwood (back in the day) would deliver it.

Pogo exits back to the kitchen. Pots and pans clang.
G.

Link drops the coin into her cleavage.
PG-13

KURODA I am, keeping warm.
Very funny. Nice.

Link hammers the steel into bent submission.
Again. Very funny.

POGO This is not a good retirement plan.
LOL!

KURODA Samurai have wife and one not wife.
Might wanna hyphenate those last two: not-wife.

Maria warms. She unbuttons, revealing... anything at all!
R.

I'll quit beating this G+R conflict drum after I nag on it just this last time.
Which is good, because pages 64 - 66 coming up is chock full of R material.

Pg 67 Stone cleans a rifle.
How is it that Super Sheriff Stone (and Captain Chamberlain) didn't hear all of that gunfight... somewhere in town.
Or no one came running to tell him/them?

Okay so they have the burned & blinded Smirker tied to a chair, blah blah blah, then they're off to the snow capped mountains.
Do you need a scene in there where Smirker gives up Mace or Gault.
So far the story has pretty much spoon fed the audience, but this is the first moment of "suspenseful withholding of information".

And you might wanna consider calling CAPTAIN CHAMBERLAIN just CHAMBERLAIN in the character slugs.
(Also, I'm not a big fan of dialog (CONT'D)s, but we all have personal preferences).

Maybe it's more movie magic but let me get this straight:
- Chamberlain is in town presumably following Gault,
- but not fiercely enough to not have time to enjoy the services of the Hotel Maxine,
- Gault's men (kinda) sneak past Chamberlain's remaining soldiers into said Hotel,
- engage in gunfight,
- tipped off by Pogo the plan is to now capture Link at the old fort?
Chamberlain's plan was to just wait around until something happened?

Also, since Chamberlain made his big to-do about no one other than his lineage has touched the saber there needs to be some scene where EVERYBODY is touching it. He's having kiniptions over it.
And if you wanna be a real bad@ss, in the sword fight (I'll be suggesting later) have them somehow switch weapons and Kuroda skewers/guts Chamberlain with his own saber.
Eye-ronny.  

Pogo standS alone with his "reward".
Also, this reads as if Chamberlain is about to leave Pogo, his new guide to the mines/fort, behind.
At your discretion, maybe have Chamberlain roll out a smooth yet snide "You'll get your reward upon our return".
Later I see no mention of Pogo with Stone and Chamberlain on the way to the fort.
Best just to drop the "new guide" bit on page 69.

Pg 77 Wet clothes hang on sticks.
Having dried wet clothes and towels by campfire coals many times myself, you should note that they steam.
Steam rises from wet clothes on sticks.
But that will give you an extra line.
Abut the Kuroda and Clothes sentences. Maybe kick the Christina line down to the Link sentence.

From:
Kuroda sleeps under saddle blankets by the fire. Christina
bundles up in her coat. Wet clothes hang on sticks.

Link walks off the lake. He sits and cleans ice off his
revolver by the fire.


Rearrange to:
Kuroda sleeps under saddle blankets by the fire. Steam
rises from wet clothes on sticks.

Link walks off the lake. He sits by Christina bundled in her
coat by the fire and cleans ice off his revolver.

No line loss, added visual, related information abutted.

Very nice friendship on pg 81.
Where's Christina to foul it up?  

Link fires his revolver at a log stack support. The board
splits. Logs tumble out of the cradle behind Link.

Love that movie magic!

Pg 90 The cannoneers adjust the lUmber the cannon rests upon.
The cannoneers realign the lUmber.


Pg 95 The stand storm wall closes on the soldiers from behind.
Sand storm wall, maybe?

Pg 96 As much as we'd all like to dislike Chamberlain, he doesn't have sufficient cause for gunning down his own men. No precedent has been set for this radical change in behavior.
Either he lets them disobey orders while they run off in the face of both cannon fire and advancing sand storm - or - set a precedent earlier with an increasingly line of threats against LT (which has popped up out of nowhere, BTW) and the men that if they don't cooperate he'll gun 'em all down. You gotta make it clear that his increasing frustration leads to his increasing insanity or loss of reason.

CAPTAIN CHAMBERLAIN (CONT'D) President Grant will not be denied. I will give our glorious leader the sword. That honor will be mine and mine alone!
Yeah. All of this shift of need to control power needs to be built up earlier.
I don't recall there ever being any previous mention or sense of his intent.
Or is this supposed to be a surprise reveal?
If so... eh?
It's kinda left field.

Kuroda parries the thrust. He slices Chamberlain gut to neck.
Chamberlain falls lifeless to the windswept earth.
Kuroda retrieves the Imperial Katana.

Personal grievance of mine: I KNOW a fight choreographer will rewrite an entire sequence so I'm loathe to choreograph one myself, but... there needs to be a big Hollywood West vs East sword fight sequence here, al la The Patriot, Martin vs. Tavington.
Here's where you want weapons switched and Chamberlain done in by his own saber.

Pg 99 GAULT Tell you what, let Christina and I go and you can have all the gold.
WTH? What's Christina doing with the rifle?
She's has the draw on Link?!
What's this "let us go" negotiation stuff?


Okey doke.
All done.

Wonderful story, Brett.
I know it's 80% fresh and I think it's a crying shame the Shanghai Noon and Knights have played this out already.
A real crying shame.
Now, if you can get a producer to move beyond that limitation your next issue is you gotta figure out if you want a rated R or PG-13 story. As is, it's 95% PG-13 and only 5% R. Smartest play is to ease up on the minor raping, hand cutting off and Maria tits sorta stuff.
Big problem there is that now the story is even closer to Shanghai Noon and Knight, and the Rush Hour trilogy, bitter sweet ending be d@mned.
And I don't think it's R enough to be brought up to a 3:10 to Yuma or a Unforgiven story.

I don't have an issue with the stacked writing style. Fine by me.
I read a screenplay as a blue print rather than a literary style, which I can understand will hang up others.
But I ain't right.
I'm more of a nuts and bolts sort of guy.

You've four good fighting sequences: Train robbery, ranch house, whore house and extended fort sequence.
I like how the assorted story lines weave and intersect, only some character issues need to be augmented a little.
And I can't believe Link didn't horse-pack Kuroda's dead body out to be buried alongside Namuro's. **
To get really sappy, have the Ambassador help Link dig the grave and bury Kuroda.

GL
I'm interested in seeing your next draft.

**Idiot. I'm wrong. Link did bury Kuroda beside Namuro.
I dunno WTH I was thinking.
Maybe because there are other idiots out there in reader world who also might miss this, insert an action of Link placing the Imperial Katana on Kuroda's chest, crosses Kuroda's arms over it then respectfully drapes a blanket fold over him.
Insert a few montage scenes of Link slow-walking Deke in reverse order past several of the places they've been through from the fort back to the railroad, all while there's a big blanket bundle rolled atop the chestnut nag on rope behind Link.
- Leaving the way they came to San Lucas.
- Though the deep creek where Link ambushed Kuroda.
- Past Rosa and Jorge's ranch.
- Through the arroyo where Link said "Sayonara."
Then fade to EXT. RAILROAD TRACKS - DESERT FLATS - DAWN




Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  March 20th, 2011, 2:49pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 82
Dressel
Posted: March 18th, 2011, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
300
Posts Per Day
0.10
Brett,

I gotta say, I breezed through this one pretty fast.  Now, I'm not familiar with the original, so I don't really know what you took from it.

I think the main reason I got such a kick out of this script was because I really dig the old Westerns; especially Leone's stuff.  I'm a sucker for the slick talking man with no name.  I feel like I saw a lot of that in this script.  Most of the time I could picture Link's words coming out of Eastwood's mouth (although I doubt Eastwood would ever play a character name Link).

I honestly didn't have a problem with the number of characters you introduced, which is odd because that's usually something that gets my goat.  But here, it didn't bother me.

Your characters were all very colorful and spoke awesome/clever dialogue (especially Link).  On top of that, you managed to put them in really great situations with awesome set pieces (the train heist would be great to see on film).

THAT BEING SAID

I didn't care about any of the characters, which seemed odd to me.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but if Link took a bullet between the eyes at the halfway point, I couldn't have cared less.  I gave it some thought and I came up with a couple reasons why it might be:

1) Save the Cat:  Ok, I hate the book Save the Cat, only because I find the author so damn annoying.  But he does, at times, make a good point.  Early on in the script, Cora's mother is being harassed by the bandits.  Right when it's getting bad, Link steps in and stops it.  But I don't feel like you really drove home the point that Link stopped it because of some kind of moral code.  A code that would make us identify with him.  Even something as simple as him saying "No kids."  Maybe you'd see that as too on-the-nose, but I just felt like it needed something more.  I wanted to see him and Cora share a moment..or something.  But before you know it, she's out of the picture.

2.) Mystery:  One of the reasons Charles Bronson worked so well in Once Upon a Time in the West is because he was shrouded in mystery; a mystery that was slowly revealed as time went on.  There's no mystery with any of the characters.  As colorful as they are in terms of dialogue and dress, they're fairly one-dimensional.  And because of this, my interest in them starts to wane as time goes on.

--

Maybe I haven't hit the nail exactly on the head yet, but something stopped me from caring about these characters, and that's what I'd ask you to evaluate for the next draft.  Hope I've helped somewhat in my ramblings.

-Matt


MY SCRIPTS

Based on a True Story (Comedy)

The Other Man (Thriller)

PRODUCED

Penny For Your Thoughts (Found by Director on Simply Scripts)

MY WEBSITE
Logged
Private Message Reply: 52 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 19th, 2011, 10:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from greg
Hi Brett,

I was going to read this in chunks but wound up reading the whole thing last night.  That's a testament to good flow.  I haven't seen the original Red Sun so this is an "original" story to me.  I guess if you don't agree with something I say then you can just blame it on that haha.

Hi Greg,

Thanks for the read, sorry to hear you couldn't find the time to address my notes.
I'm pleased to hear you felt the script flowed well, I worked hard on it.
I was concerned the action heavy first and third acts would make the middle sag.
I have gotten that comment from a few off site sources.
This script is about 85% different from the original film.

Quoted from greg

So this read very fast.  The only parts which really dragged, and this is a big point, were the opening and closing sequences.  The first few pages there's a barrage of characters introduced and immediately go into action, leaving little room to develop them enough so we know what the hell is going on.  At least that's how I was feeling.  It wasn't until after the smoke cleared from the opening action sequence that I really figured out who was who.  And the thing is, at 101 pages, you do have some room to tinker with.  I know - 101 pages is beautiful.  Maybe take out some of the more specific action and replace it with dialogue or tone the description down a little bit so it's easier to get into the grind of things.  Likewise the final action sequence was kind of rough for me too.  Maybe it's the style you've chosen to write in, which is, I think, stacked?  It's just there's a lot of detail going into it that I think you could away without listing so much of.

I've gotten the note about the number of chracters before.
However, you're the first to say the action was confusing throughout the first act.
I'll keep an eye out for areas where I can scale things back.
Most notes I've gotten on the opener credit it for getting right down to business.
My action description is always no more than two lines, it's a hard rule I have.
It's a process of refinement, in my most recent script rewrite, I stack less.
It's a matter of zeroing in on a style, I'll revisit those points you mentioned, thanks.

Quoted from greg

Everything in between flowed very well.  Some good humor, good characters, and a nice western vibe to it.  A couple things to note with the characters because there was a lot of 'em; the first thing is Mace.  He was introduced as a kind of sort of integral character in the beginning mentioned a few times throughout, then surfaced toward the end as a kind of sort of integral character.  The thing is though I didn't feel that way about him.  He just came off as a guy who surfaced, did/said something important, then blew some things up.  Gault I would have liked to see more of.  I'm torn on my thoughts on this; we know he's the villain, we know Link and Kuroda are after him, I'm just not sure of how I feel about never seeing him except for the first and final sequences.  I can really go either way on it.  I also would have liked more insight into Kuroda.  We know his goals, we know his lifestyle, we know what he wants, but I would have liked to see more of his personality and a little more story for him.  Everyone else, I think, was fine.  

I'm glad you enjoyed the second act, I worked hard to keep it flowing.
I was concerned that it would lag in comparison to the rest of the story.
Mace is a supporting character who has a key role in the climax.
Most large gangs will have a crack shot in their ranks and that's him.
I endeavored to give him a lot of flavor with his dialect and Civil War background.
It's true, there's about half the script where the gang is not around.
That part plays pretty true to the original film.
Though I'm looking at establishing more villain clarity in the script, thanks.

Kuroda is not a talkative dude. So, I tried to convey him through his actions.
He shows a sense of humor, even when it's not his native language.
He does have an appetite for revenge, but can go too far.
He can change when he's wrong, hiding the bloody blade from the child.
He knows how to play/interact with children, suggesting a family life.
He has great compassion for Rosa and cleans up and gives them money.
Kuroda is artistic as well as a warrior and uses that to engage Link.
He demonstrates tenderness with Maria, instead of your usual one night stand.
He is a man caught in uncertain times by a changing culture.
Kuroda is a quiet man of conviction and he lets his actions speak for him.
Link emulates that in the final scene, or so I hoped it would come out that way.
I'm sorry those moments didn't translate for you, I'll take a look at them.
I tend to shy away from exposition as much as I can, hence the above examples.
However, if it's hamstringing the story, I'll review the style. Thanks.

Quoted from greg

Where I fell flat with the story was the involvement of Chamberlain and Holly and all those guys.  They were in several scenes and played pretty big parts but I just wasn't too into them.  Again, I bring up the opening and closing sequences as being overly convoluted and also these guys were pretty integral in them so that's definitely a contribution.  

Chamberlain is one of the major departures from the original film.
I removed the random Indian attacks from the film, they felt superfluous.
I decided to bring back Chamberlain from act one to continue that arc.
He's a work in progress and I'm refining his role in the new story.
I already have some ideas to enhance his involvement, thanks.

Quoted from greg

The descriptions, I think, you should take another look at.  Stacking is a good in theory but in major action scenes I'm not sure it entirely pays off.  Or at least break the action apart with dialogue or something.  You've got the benefit of having room to play with, so give it a shot.

Overall I liked this.  It's a nice western, has some good battles, some good western themes, some good humor, and it paces for the most part pretty well.  

So nice job on this, Brett!

Greg

My action description is always evolving and I'm getting it into focus.
On this draft, I wanted to get it down much more than ever before.
I used to get notes for thick descriptions just a few months ago.
Now that I've given myself some room to play, I'll build on it, thanks.
I appreciate the good notes, hope the replies do them justice.

Thanks for your effort, and best of luck with your endeavors.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  March 19th, 2011, 10:46am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 19th, 2011, 10:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from Dressel
Brett,

I gotta say, I breezed through this one pretty fast.  Now, I'm not familiar with the original, so I don't really know what you took from it.

I think the main reason I got such a kick out of this script was because I really dig the old Westerns; especially Leone's stuff.  I'm a sucker for the slick talking man with no name.  I feel like I saw a lot of that in this script.  Most of the time I could picture Link's words coming out of Eastwood's mouth (although I doubt Eastwood would ever play a character name Link).

I honestly didn't have a problem with the number of characters you introduced, which is odd because that's usually something that gets my goat.  But here, it didn't bother me.

Your characters were all very colorful and spoke awesome/clever dialogue (especially Link).  On top of that, you managed to put them in really great situations with awesome set pieces (the train heist would be great to see on film).

Matt,

Thanks for the read back, I have your feature in my queue.
I'm pleased to hear you enjoyed the script.
Long story short, it's about 85% different than the original film.
The film is available through Netflix, should you care to check it out.

To tell a large scale adventure, you need a wide palette of characters.
Some come and go throughout the story, it's the nature of things.
I tried hard to distinguish the supporting characters from each other.
Not just through cheap affectations, but distinctive names and dialogue.

The action scene composition is entirely original.
The settings are from the original film, but I wanted more story centric action.
I feel set pieces play out with more tension when they have goals.
Link needing to get to the head of the train.
Ambushing bandits at the ranch to get weapons and information and protect Rosa.
That kind of stuff always feels more urgent to me than a goon obstacle.

Quoted from Dressel

THAT BEING SAID

I didn't care about any of the characters, which seemed odd to me.  I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but if Link took a bullet between the eyes at the halfway point, I couldn't have cared less.  I gave it some thought and I came up with a couple reasons why it might be:

1) Save the Cat:  Ok, I hate the book Save the Cat, only because I find the author so damn annoying.  But he does, at times, make a good point.  Early on in the script, Cora's mother is being harassed by the bandits.  Right when it's getting bad, Link steps in and stops it.  But I don't feel like you really drove home the point that Link stopped it because of some kind of moral code.  A code that would make us identify with him.  Even something as simple as him saying "No kids."  Maybe you'd see that as too on-the-nose, but I just felt like it needed something more.  I wanted to see him and Cora share a moment..or something.  But before you know it, she's out of the picture.

2.) Mystery:  One of the reasons Charles Bronson worked so well in Once Upon a Time in the West is because he was shrouded in mystery; a mystery that was slowly revealed as time went on.  There's no mystery with any of the characters.  As colorful as they are in terms of dialogue and dress, they're fairly one-dimensional.  And because of this, my interest in them starts to wane as time goes on.

--

Maybe I haven't hit the nail exactly on the head yet, but something stopped me from caring about these characters, and that's what I'd ask you to evaluate for the next draft.  Hope I've helped somewhat in my ramblings.

-Matt

I see what you're saying about the morale code thing.
I thought I covered that with Link yelling, "That's enough!", on the train.
He was cheesed off that Gault killed a passenger and Cora's father.
Link stops Gault from killing the Japanese in the private car.
Link decides to halt his escape to help Rosa escape from Whiskey.
He masks his morale code but gets it out there in his own way, I feel.
Obviously that didn't work for you, I'll revisit the Link/Cora dynamic again. Thanks.

The mystery, nope, not much of a mystery in this script.
I wanted to tell a straightforward action adventure with compelling characters.
However, they don't wear their sentiments on their sleeves.
The mystery is their backgrounds, more than anything.
I wanted to give readers insight into their characters through their actions.
I loathe straightforward dialogue, perhaps that's where the disconnect for you is.
I love subtext, but perhaps it's a bit too vague to ram home some things.
I'm inserting more things to sharpen the motivations, I'll revisit this next draft.

Thanks a lot for your effort, it's appreciated.
I'm looking forward to delving into your feature.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Ray, I'll get to your mammoth as usual review soon! ^_^



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 54 - 82
RayW
Posted: March 19th, 2011, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1839
Posts Per Day
0.56
Didn't want you think I was just skimmin', juno?  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 82
GM
Posted: March 19th, 2011, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
2145
Posts Per Day
0.45
Got to read this. Never saw the original film so just basing my opinion on your draft.

Thoughts:

The opening segment needs a character reduction or some breathing room. I think who needs to go are Cora's family. It will make things so much simpler. Or give it some breathing room so the reader can digest each character.  

I was expecting a drama driven Western like a Clint Eastwood type. This is more like that Jackie Chan and Wilson comedy western. However, I doubt that Jackie will have sex with Maria. lol.  I would have preferred the Clint Eastwood type story but I enjoyed this script as well, E.D..

You did a great job with Link's development. But I would have had him get the money at the end. He could do greater things with the money.

Chamberlain needs to be added more and dealing with Kuroda more to make that final battle scene between them mean something.

Other than that, I enjoyed the story somewhat. I wanted more serious drama I guess. That's just me.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Revision History (1 edits)
GM  -  March 19th, 2011, 2:30pm
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 56 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 21st, 2011, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from RayW

Pg 4 FOUR GANG MEMBERS stand up. They pull out weapons.
Counting LINK, that makes five to this gang. Up to this point, the reader can only associate three people with the gang: Link, Ellis and Gault.

Hey Ray!

Thanks for the read, your effort is always appreciated.
After I finished the draft, I thought about that gang members thing.
Mace and Smirker are on the outside, so why not intro Whiskey there?
It doesn't need to be a faceless quartet, Whiskey's a slimey bad ass.
And he's the kind of guy that takes pleasure in petty crimes.

Quoted from RayW

Fantastic lines:
MACE It's a work in progress
LINK Smirker, you put a bun in a nun?

Unfortunately, and for understandable climactic reasons, Mace never will finish up this WIP.
Modify his last statements to include something along the lines of "next best thing is to get the cannon".
Probably don't want to go the Gladiator "maybe in the next life" route.

Yeah, the work in progress line is one of the place holder deals.
It was all I could think of that the time, so I stuck it in there.
Mace developed a lot this draft, I'm sure I'll come up with something better.

Quoted from RayW

After Link and Kuroda start talking it's d@mn near impossible to NOT envision Owen Wilson & Jackie Chan.
IMHO, this will immensely work adversely in this production's potential.  

I know, but that's no reason to not keep using it to get better at rewrites.
Who knows, someday it might be changed enough to be wholly original.
It's time to get down to business on a new feature.
This was head and shoulders above the previous draft, which gave me confidence.

Quoted from RayW

Pg 31 Kuroda severs Whiskey's hand off at the wrist.
Well... up until this you have a nice PG-13 show going on.
But right on the heels of attempted rape (of a possible minor) comes this.
I dunno.
A third of the way in is kinda deep to be "switching horses", so to speak.

The samurai opens up Whiskey's throat with his steel. Blood
flow chokes the sound. Whiskey falls to the floor.

Aw... h3ll. R. 4 shur.

Early drafts were R, for sure.
But as I've gone on, I've seen less and less reason for it to be a hard R.
This is still one of those remnants that I haven't converted yet.

Quoted from RayW

Pg 32 Kuroda sheaths the crimson stained weapon.
Unlikely.
Maybe you're shooting for a little dramatic movie magic, but no sensible soldier is going to sheath a bloody blade back into it's scabbard.
Kuroda would've cleaned it off on something.
Maybe dead red's shirt on the bed post?

I need this to read that he didn't get it all, but made a cursory effort to clean it.
I want there to be blood seen by Jorge at the outhouse.
It's a symbol for Kuroda's loss of control with Whiskey earlier.
And it's a gateway to Kuroda's reactions to Jorge, a redemptive moment.

Quoted from RayW

Waitaminit...
Go back...
Ponytail splits the well's pulley with a shot.
followed by blah blah blah
Kuroda helps Link climb up to safety.
Was that Ponytail's last dying shot?
D@mn. That's a pretty lucky death-shot there.
In all seriousness, there's some major wiffle-waffle back and forth between some fun PG-13 movie magic and what would be called rated R-U-FN'-kidding-me?!
Do you want this to be R or PG-13?

Ponytail split the pully rope while shooting at Link. Yay movie magic.
This is slowly but surely taking on a PG-13 thang, so be it. I'm cool with it.

Quoted from RayW

Kuroda sticks a shovel into a fresh grave by the barn.
Link tests the makeshift repairs on the well.

Grave? Whose grave? Who'd they bury?
Surely not PONCHO, PONYTAIL, CAVALRY HAT, FATTY and BANDOLIER?
First, that'd be "graves", plural.
Second, it takes waaaay too much time to dig and bury one guy, let alone five.
Third, this is rated R: Drag 'em by rope back to town or at least halfway to town.
Fourth, what?! Repairs on the well? WTH happened to the well? The pulley was split (wooden?), which means some SOB had to go back down the well to retrieve the bucket and rope? Then they re-pullied it?
Pshhhh. Samurai Sam has only five days left before it's seppuku time.
Ain't got time.
Drag 'em! Wave g'bye to the kids.

We are not dragging bloody bodies past the kids, Ray. Heh.
Will you feel better about it if it's a shallow grave for the dead?
It's not cool to leave them for the girl and the boy to deal with.
Besides, Link and Kuroda are getting a couple horses out of the deal.

Quoted from RayW

LINK Kuroda, you can't spend ideals.
The pair stare at each other. Impasse.

Classic principle vs. practicality. Nice.

That particular line is from the original film.
However, the preceding lines are my handy work.

Quoted from RayW

LINK What's going on?
KURODA I saw, a big animal.
LINK Is that a fact?
KURODA Yes, this is, a fact.

Owen and Jackie. All the way.

Actually, that sequence is not from Shanghai Noon or Red Sun.
It's a little something I threw in there.
I like the idea of showing Link changing through little reversals like that.
At first, it was Link lying about the mosquitoes.

Quoted from RayW

LINK Why not thirty?
I'm having a hard time flip-flopping between the way Owen Wilson would deliver that line and the way Clint Eastwood (back in the day) would deliver it.

I like the idea of Link being more seasoned and having an exit strategy.
He wants out of the outlaw life, but needs a big score to run for it.
Then pesky things like double crosses, emotions and principles muck things up.

Quoted from RayW

KURODA Samurai have wife and one not wife.
Might wanna hyphenate those last two: not-wife.

Good point, I'll do that Ray.
Well, duty calls, so I'll get to the second half of your expansive review soon!
Thanks for everything, Ray!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 57 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 21st, 2011, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from RayW

Pg 67 Stone cleans a rifle.
How is it that Super Sheriff Stone (and Captain Chamberlain) didn't hear all of that gunfight... somewhere in town.
Or no one came running to tell him/them?

Well, Pogo did. Eventually.
A couple folks do go out windows, so maaaaybe, I could work on that part.
Though honestly, you're the first to mention it, yay movie magic.
I could make the exterior death interior, hence a more logical delayed response.

Quoted from RayW

Okay so they have the burned & blinded Smirker tied to a chair, blah blah blah, then they're off to the snow capped mountains.
Do you need a scene in there where Smirker gives up Mace or Gault.
So far the story has pretty much spoon fed the audience, but this is the first moment of "suspenseful withholding of information".

I've toyed with the idea of the Captain questioning Smirker at the hotel.
Heck, I even thought of Chamberlain taking Pepita hostage, but that seemed trite.
However, if he tried to question Smirker, we get the cut tongue pay off/reveal.
Which is a nifty "success" for Smirker, he's been getting the short end mostly.
Then the Captain can give Pogo what for over the supposed informant.
It's been mentioned to me and I've been kicking it around for a few weeks.

Quoted from RayW

And you might wanna consider calling CAPTAIN CHAMBERLAIN just CHAMBERLAIN in the character slugs.
(Also, I'm not a big fan of dialog (CONT'D)s, but we all have personal preferences).

That's an easy fix on Chamberlain, and you're right there.
I recently discovered the option to turn off those CONT'D's.
In the new draft of West Side Markets, you will not see them.

Quoted from RayW

Maybe it's more movie magic but let me get this straight:
- Chamberlain is in town presumably following Gault,
- but not fiercely enough to not have time to enjoy the services of the Hotel Maxine,
- Gault's men (kinda) sneak past Chamberlain's remaining soldiers into said Hotel,
- engage in gunfight,
- tipped off by Pogo the plan is to now capture Link at the old fort?
Chamberlain's plan was to just wait around until something happened?

Chamberlain used the opportunity to "scout" the hotel for Gault or Link.
Perhaps a line to Stone about that the next morning might help.
I also had a line or two of action description about him looking around the hotel.
I could take a line or two for Mace about avoiding the soldiers in town.
Chamberlain hired Stone after the heist as a bounty hunter.
This is one of those tip offs that the Captain is a bit askew.
There's a line about Chamberlain hiring Stone in the Sheriff's office.
I've debated adding a beat on the track post heist where the two meet.

Quoted from RayW

Also, since Chamberlain made his big to-do about no one other than his lineage has touched the saber there needs to be some scene where EVERYBODY is touching it. He's having kiniptions over it.
And if you wanna be a real bad@ss, in the sword fight (I'll be suggesting later) have them somehow switch weapons and Kuroda skewers/guts Chamberlain with his own saber.
Eye-ronny.  

I see what you're going for there, save for the silly touching part.
I touch on that kind of irony by skewering Gault with the Imperial Katana.
Don't you think that would be going to the well, one time too many?
I like it, but I think Gault's demise trumps the Captain in my mind.

Quoted from RayW

Pogo standS alone with his "reward".
Also, this reads as if Chamberlain is about to leave Pogo, his new guide to the mines/fort, behind.
At your discretion, maybe have Chamberlain roll out a smooth yet snide "You'll get your reward upon our return".
Later I see no mention of Pogo with Stone and Chamberlain on the way to the fort.
Best just to drop the "new guide" bit on page 69.

Eh, Pogo is not the guide, Stone's the one familiar with the mountains.
If there's a line in there that suggests Pogo is the guide, point it out to me.
You're the first to mention this, but I'll keep an eye on it.

Quoted from RayW

Pg 77 Wet clothes hang on sticks.
Having dried wet clothes and towels by campfire coals many times myself, you should note that they steam.
Steam rises from wet clothes on sticks.
But that will give you an extra line.
Abut the Kuroda and Clothes sentences. Maybe kick the Christina line down to the Link sentence.

Oh, nice idea, me steal.

Quoted from RayW

Very nice friendship on pg 81.
Where's Christina to foul it up?  

Nope, not this time, the guys need a moment when all seems pretty hopeless.
Glad you liked it, you're the first to comment on that scene.
It's a call back to the "thief school/samurai school" chat at the campfire over origami.
And all that is original material, the original film is even thinner on their relationship.

Quoted from RayW

Pg 90 The cannoneers adjust the lUmber the cannon rests upon.
The cannoneers realign the lUmber.


Pg 95 The stand storm wall closes on the soldiers from behind.
Sand storm wall, maybe?

I'll buy both of those for a dollar. Each!

Quoted from RayW

Pg 96 As much as we'd all like to dislike Chamberlain, he doesn't have sufficient cause for gunning down his own men. No precedent has been set for this radical change in behavior.
Either he lets them disobey orders while they run off in the face of both cannon fire and advancing sand storm - or - set a precedent earlier with an increasingly line of threats against LT (which has popped up out of nowhere, BTW) and the men that if they don't cooperate he'll gun 'em all down. You gotta make it clear that his increasing frustration leads to his increasing insanity or loss of reason.

CAPTAIN CHAMBERLAIN (CONT'D) President Grant will not be denied. I will give our glorious leader the sword. That honor will be mine and mine alone!
Yeah. All of this shift of need to control power needs to be built up earlier.
I don't recall there ever being any previous mention or sense of his intent.
Or is this supposed to be a surprise reveal?
If so... eh?
It's kinda left field.

I hear you, there's a bit of suggestion that some get, but it's still too subtle.
Chamberlain is a work in progress, he's not developed in the original film.
I'm debating changing him from megalomaniac to double crossed conspirator.
Gault strikes a side deal with Chamberlain for information and make it look good.
Chamberlain tells Gault to leave the private car alone, it's a presidential matter, etc.
I think that way makes his less than honorable deeds more easily understood.
And I don't have to spend a ton of time building it up, could work yeah?

Quoted from RayW

Kuroda parries the thrust. He slices Chamberlain gut to neck.
Chamberlain falls lifeless to the windswept earth.
Kuroda retrieves the Imperial Katana.

Personal grievance of mine: I KNOW a fight choreographer will rewrite an entire sequence so I'm loathe to choreograph one myself, but... there needs to be a big Hollywood West vs East sword fight sequence here, al la The Patriot, Martin vs. Tavington.
Here's where you want weapons switched and Chamberlain done in by his own saber.

I've given considerable thought to going this route.
And inter-cutting it with a Gault/Link shoot out in the blasted fort.
I thought it might be too much action, I've packed it in there pretty good.
And we all know that the Captain will be no match for a trained samurai.
However, foolish is as foolish does, I need to meditate on this.
You like the traditional dual inter-cut clash of antags and protags?

Quoted from RayW

Pg 99 GAULT Tell you what, let Christina and I go and you can have all the gold.
WTH? What's Christina doing with the rifle?
She's has the draw on Link?!
What's this "let us go" negotiation stuff?

Christina has the rifle, Link has the revolver.
If she aims at Link, she's pretty convinced he'd shoot her and rightfully so.
However, Gault wants the rifle, Link is much less likely to kill him.
And I think there's a part of Gault that wants to settle this himself.
I don't recall a line in there where she blatantly draws a bead on Link.

Quoted from RayW

Wonderful story, Brett.
I know it's 80% fresh and I think it's a crying shame the Shanghai Noon and Knights have played this out already.
A real crying shame.
Now, if you can get a producer to move beyond that limitation your next issue is you gotta figure out if you want a rated R or PG-13 story. As is, it's 95% PG-13 and only 5% R. Smartest play is to ease up on the minor raping, hand cutting off and Maria tits sorta stuff.
Big problem there is that now the story is even closer to Shanghai Noon and Knight, and the Rush Hour trilogy, bitter sweet ending be d@mned.
And I don't think it's R enough to be brought up to a 3:10 to Yuma or a Unforgiven story.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, what was it about the story that appealed to you?
I'd like to know if it's more me or the original film that you think works best.
Please elaborate at your leisure if you feel the inclination.
Also, for extra credit, the original film is available on Netflix according to Bert.

Yeah, that could be tough but now they reboot movies less than ten years old.
Heck, Ghost Rider 2 is a reboot of a 2007 movie.
Albeit, a proven financial success and all, hence the allure.
It's been a great exercise and the rewrites have been very educational.
It will more than likely go completely PG-13 the next go around, that's easy.
I think a shift in Chamberlain might be the key to distinguishing the story.
I do have True Grit's success in my favor, should things get serious.
Hollywood is more open than ever to the Western reboot and there's talks.

Quoted from RayW

I don't have an issue with the stacked writing style. Fine by me.
I read a screenplay as a blue print rather than a literary style, which I can understand will hang up others.
But I ain't right.
I'm more of a nuts and bolts sort of guy.

My action description is a work in progress, and I think I'm zeroing in on it.
I used to be too clunky, now I'm running a tad lean, I can work on that.
I can see the next time around coloring in here and there as needed.

Quoted from RayW

You've four good fighting sequences: Train robbery, ranch house, whore house and extended fort sequence.
I like how the assorted story lines weave and intersect, only some character issues need to be augmented a little.
And I can't believe Link didn't horse-pack Kuroda's dead body out to be buried alongside Namuro's. **
To get really sappy, have the Ambassador help Link dig the grave and bury Kuroda.

GL
I'm interested in seeing your next draft.

**Idiot. I'm wrong. Link did bury Kuroda beside Namuro.
I dunno WTH I was thinking.
Maybe because there are other idiots out there in reader world who also might miss this, insert an action of Link placing the Imperial Katana on Kuroda's chest, crosses Kuroda's arms over it then respectfully drapes a blanket fold over him.
Insert a few montage scenes of Link slow-walking Deke in reverse order past several of the places they've been through from the fort back to the railroad, all while there's a big blanket bundle rolled atop the chestnut nag on rope behind Link.
- Leaving the way they came to San Lucas.
- Though the deep creek where Link ambushed Kuroda.
- Past Rosa and Jorge's ranch.
- Through the arroyo where Link said "Sayonara."
Then fade to EXT. RAILROAD TRACKS - DESERT FLATS - DAWN


I thought about the corpse montage but I thought it was a tad much?
You think it would be better than the reveal after the sword is returned?
I'm rather partial to the reveal, and Link finishing off the mission.
And then placing Little Deke on the grave says a lot about Link's feelings, methinks.
What do you think I gain by showing Link bringing Kuroda's body back?

Thanks muchly for the extensive notes, they'll come in handy for sure.
If you need eyes on something on or off site, don't hesitate to ask, pal.
I wonder what a collaboration between us would come out like?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 58 - 82
Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 23rd, 2011, 10:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2853
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from GM
Got to read this. Never saw the original film so just basing my opinion on your draft.

Thoughts:

The opening segment needs a character reduction or some breathing room. I think who needs to go are Cora's family. It will make things so much simpler. Or give it some breathing room so the reader can digest each character.  

Hey Gabe,

Much thanks for the read!
You make a good point here and I've been thinking I should try it.
I don't really have a reason to introduce them on the platform.
We can see the overt number of military sans the parents' dialogue.
Perhaps that will help things some, thanks.

Quoted from GM

I was expecting a drama driven Western like a Clint Eastwood type. This is more like that Jackie Chan and Wilson comedy western. However, I doubt that Jackie will have sex with Maria. lol.  I would have preferred the Clint Eastwood type story but I enjoyed this script as well, E.D..

"Shanghai Noon" is a loose acknowledged remake of the original Red Sun.
The 1971 film is a straight up adventure and I wanted to stay true to those roots.
The Wilson/Chan film is played for laughs, I wanted to avoid that here.
I felt the humor in my script is more situation related than slapstick.
For me, adventures that end dramatically achieve a bigger arc with some humor.
It makes a story feel like an emotional journey as well as a physical one.
I'm glad you were still able to enjoy the story, despite the less than ideal tone.

Quoted from GM

You did a great job with Link's development. But I would have had him get the money at the end. He could do greater things with the money.

Aww, that's nice of you to say, I'm pleased that Link's arc worked for you.
Who knows where Link is riding off to in the end?
He could head back to the abandoned mines.
Or, will he go to the woman that loves him, but expects he'll never return?
One thing's for sure, I hope it comes across he's a better man now.
He rides Deke the same way he walked bound a week earlier.
Whatever he decides to do, he's better equipped to make a good decision.
Did you find Link's conclusion lacking too much without that epilogue?
Some say they want to see him with the girl in the end.
You're the first to say, give him the cash, it's cool to hear.

Quoted from GM

Chamberlain needs to be added more and dealing with Kuroda more to make that final battle scene between them mean something.

Other than that, I enjoyed the story somewhat. I wanted more serious drama I guess. That's just me.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Chamberlain is a villain in progress, not quite sure where to go with him.
I have some ideas how to bring him closer to the plot.
Multiple villains in an adventure film is always a tricky tightrope.
Despite not meeting your preferences, I'm glad it wasn't a labored read.
Thanks for your time, if you need eyes on anything, drop me a line.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 59 - 82
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Western Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006