The problem with Kuroda's suicide charge is that his first priority should be returning the imperial sword. When he charges the cavalry it is not yet in his hands. The captain has it. Logically he should wait for the cavalry to hit. Also, again, I can't picture Link's character joining him. He might risk his life for Kuroda, but not suicide.

The charge on Gault is different. At this point they have sword. So it is an irrational act by Kuroda, one spawned by a desire for vengeance. It is irrational because, though they possess the sword, there is little reason to think it will make it back if Kuroda dies. After all, Link is a thief, Kuroda's final words.

So this fatal act by Kuroda is a result of his character flaw, where the emotional desire for vengeance trumps his rational goal of returning the sword. This should be foreshadowed more, I think.

And I do still think Christina needs to evolve. This is actually kind of standard formula stuff, and I don't think you should vary from it here. Christina is a survivor, and generally consumed by her own selfish needs. This makes her treacherous, as she is prone to switching sides based on her own needs. In the usual formula, she would love Link, and though she is capable of betraying him, there should be moments when that love shines through.

Even if this script is never produced, it is useful to you as part of your resume. And of course, it could be produced!

I have time later in the week if you want to send me something from the new work. Maybe around Wed.

Quoted from leitskev The problem with Kuroda's suicide charge is that his first priority should be returning the imperial sword. When he charges the cavalry it is not yet in his hands. The captain has it. Logically he should wait for the cavalry to hit. Also, again, I can't picture Link's character joining him. He might risk his life for Kuroda, but not suicide.

Exactly, this is what I was hinting at before.
That Link believes if he joins Kuroda, he can turn a suicide back into a mission.
I'll need to work on strengthening before they charge the cavalry.
I see your point but also the Captain could leave at any time.
It needs some fine tuning, thanks for putting it out.

Thanks a lot for the offer on the new feature.
When completed, I will gladly post it and let the SS crew have at it.

E.D.

Hey Brett,

Read through this a second time. Not really sure what new I can offer you. The most standout nitpicks I had have been corrected and the first half of the script reads a lot smoother now. I almost wanted to go in the other direction of my previous review and say it the pacing was a little too fast but that would've been wrong. The first time around, it took a little too long to get the wheels rolling and that's that. You've since fixed it so kudos. Link somehow came off a little better this time around as well so double kudos.

Not sure what else to say. There's always something to tighten up, loosen up, etc. so go to it. But this worked quite well for me this time around.

Quoted from James McClung Hey Brett, Read through this a second time. Not really sure what new I can offer you. The most standout nitpicks I had have been corrected and the first half of the script reads a lot smoother now. I almost wanted to go in the other direction of my previous review and say it the pacing was a little too fast but that would've been wrong. The first time around, it took a little too long to get the wheels rolling and that's that. You've since fixed it so kudos. Link somehow came off a little better this time around as well so double kudos. Not sure what else to say. There's always something to tighten up, loosen up, etc. so go to it. But this worked quite well for me this time around.

Hey James,

Thanks for the second read, it's a rare treat when someone revisits your material.
I reviewed your notes on the previous draft.
I worked on Link, but tried to do so in subtle ways for this round.
I'm pleased you didn't pinpoint anywhere you felt obvious changes.
In my mind, the alterations just blended in with a note like that.
There are many tweaks in Link's voice throughout this draft.
This was a fresh rewrite from stem to stern, all new pages.
I've learned so much about format from SS members, this script needed a do over.

As to pacing, I owe that to the valuable format lessons I've learned here.
I like to tell my story and display character traits through action scenes.
I want to show as much as I can and tell as little as I need to, ideally.
To do that, I needed to way improve my format skills.
This draft of Red Sun is a decent reflection of what I've learned.

You pointed out the lack of distinctive goons last draft.
I underestimated how "lazy goons" can detract from a read.

In addition to naming nameless goons with affectations, there were two big changes.
Mace the sniper got his own voice this draft and I think it helped a lot.
Not only the way he talked, but toning down the gun waving I think helped.
There were several beats of gun waving I removed and this tension developed.
Anyone can draw at anytime, but instead there's this low level banter.
I played with that and found this familiarity with the characters I liked.
The "We can kill each other anytime, but until that moment, why not talk?"

And then there's good old Whiskey, he's a new creation for this draft.
Yards better than "Train Goon #2", he was a ball to write.
He popped in my head as I wrote and I just ran with it.
Ever see "A Christmas Story"? Whiskey is Scut Farkus. "Yellow teeth & green eyes".
Slimeballs like him help me show the audience Link's better qualities.
And I fell in love with the beat where he laughs at our heroes with his dying breath.
These two supporting characters I think really pick up the overall tone of the draft.

I'm glad this draft worked better for you.
I'm eager for a progress report on your new script.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Brett,

I just finished your rewrite of this script. Took me a long time, I know. I haven't really been into reading or writing lately. Not sure what that's about. I read about five pages per day of your script and I did not take notes. My bad!  Sorry.  Anyway, that has nothing to do with the quality of your script. Just like I said, I've been/still am in a slump.

I read my own comments to the previous draft. Geez, do I come across as a cranky old cow or what??  

A lot of the things I complained about I did not see or notice this time around. Either you made some big changes or I was not paying proper attention this time.

I think this script reads pro to me. I can't tell exactly what you have changed, but it reads well. The characters have depth to them and I know I cared for them a lot more this go around, but I can't tell you exactly why. Only you know what the changes are.

If I didn't know who wrote this, I would definitely not be surprised if someone said it was a pro script.

What's a "Scandinavian Tsunami"?

One micro nitpick…a colt is a male horse no older than 3 years old. Some think four but in the horse business we generally agree it's 3. After that it's a stallion. Why do I mention that? Kuroda gets on the "chestnut colt". This would mean the horse is younger than three. Most horses are not "broken" (hate that expression) until that age since they are still growing and you don't want to ride them while they are. That will give them problems later on. In other words, I don't think Kuroda would be riding a young colt that at the most have just been "started". Told you it was a micro nitpick!  

Anyway, I'm sorry I could not be more helpful with better comments, but I think it's pretty good as it is.

Pia

Hey Brett,

I found this in your signature. I plan on reading it either Wednesday or Thursday when I'll have some time off of work.

Cindy

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, I just finished your rewrite of this script. Took me a long time, I know. I haven't really been into reading or writing lately. Not sure what that's about. I read about five pages per day of your script and I did not take notes. My bad!  Sorry.  Anyway, that has nothing to do with the quality of your script. Just like I said, I've been/still am in a slump. I read my own comments to the previous draft. Geez, do I come across as a cranky old cow or what??

Hey Pia,

I really appreciate you taking the time to give this a second look.
Rereads by peers is doubly helpful for me, so thanks a truckload.
I admit, you were hard on me, but that draft was written before I joined SS.
This draft was written a scant three months after I joined the site.
Good peer reviewers like yourself have made all the difference for me.
Your initial review helped drive me to improve my craft.

Quoted from Grandma Bear A lot of the things I complained about I did not see or notice this time around. Either you made some big changes or I was not paying proper attention this time.

There were hundreds and hundreds of tweaks throughout the script.
However, I didn't remove or add an entire scene, no obvious changes.
I enhanced scenes, added beats and colored supporting characters mostly.
I sat down with a split screen of the old draft and started with fresh pages.
It was a good way for me to apply what I've learned here on SS.
So, you were paying attention, I was just trying to meld the changes into the story.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think this script reads pro to me. I can't tell exactly what you have changed, but it reads well. The characters have depth to them and I know I cared for them a lot more this go around, but I can't tell you exactly why. Only you know what the changes are. If I didn't know who wrote this, I would definitely not be surprised if someone said it was a pro script.

Wow, thanks. I've been trying to sharpen my overall description skills.
I took your previous review to heart about readability, you were right.
I've put a lot of effort into making my stories a smooth read.
When I read a tight script, I trust the writer when they take a risk.
I suspend disbelief when I know they can put together a good sentence.
So, I'm trying to emulate that theory as much as possible.

Quoted from Grandma Bear What's a "Scandinavian Tsunami"?

A fancy way of saying, blond hair, blue eyes and a big temper.
She's got the curves and the attitude to match.

Quoted from Grandma Bear One micro nitpick…a colt is a male horse no older than 3 years old. Some think four but in the horse business we generally agree it's 3. After that it's a stallion. Why do I mention that? Kuroda gets on the "chestnut colt". This would mean the horse is younger than three. Most horses are not "broken" (hate that expression) until that age since they are still growing and you don't want to ride them while they are. That will give them problems later on. In other words, I don't think Kuroda would be riding a young colt that at the most have just been "started". Told you it was a micro nitpick!   Anyway, I'm sorry I could not be more helpful with better comments, but I think it's pretty good as it is. Pia

Ahh, good point, I'll remember that.
I feel like this script is in a decent place.
I'd only come back to it if by some miracle there was reboot interest.
Thanks for all your comments.
Best of luck with all your endeavors.
It's time to take the training wheels off and write an original feature.

Regards,
E.D.

I didn't forget about the script. I'm just short on time and feeling bad about not having read it yet, so I thought I'd drop in and let you know it will be this next week.

Cindy