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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Me And Carmen Jones - WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    Me And Carmen Jones - WIP  (currently 550 views)
RolandJ
Posted: March 6th, 2019, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Logline: In 1956 a tow-truck driver accidentally encounters Dorothy Dandridge, the first black A-list actress to grace the cover of LIFE MAGAZINE for her star-making role in CARMEN JONES.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/b4naqfhqhhy6tfi/ME%20AND%20CARMEN%20JONES.pdf?dl=0


https://drive.google.com/open?id=13D8Mu20I114xL7q0bi0fh_w85UWFs4dw

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RolandJ  -  March 28th, 2019, 12:18am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 8th, 2019, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Roland,

I received an email from dropbox, that says you added a commentary to the file of my script, which lies below on this board. I'll take a look at it soon. And regarding this point, it would be interesting to have a general discussion about those dropbox functions somewhere, since I certainly am interested to know how that all works and could be used and etc…

Whatever, checking out your stuff now-

Firstly, I'd add the genre to the thread.

Curiously, I like the "Original Story" term on the cover page. It somehow reminds me of what we actually do with a blank page.

However, I wouldn't write "by" with a capital letter since the title is the full focus and some people even see this as a fault; same with the author's name. The title imo must dominate the page.

Okay, enough of that stuff. The title reads okay. The logline stumbles a bit along f.i. "iconic world famous groundbreaking ". Those are many words around the same point. I'd rather work on the whole conception of the sentence to represent the style of the story. The Cinderella story aspect (truck driver meets icon) for sure is the backbone but it's easy to understand and if presented shorter, gives you space to hook us much more with further characteristics of your script.

P2 wide – wife

" I’m late for a
dance lesson in Malibu and not a
phone in sight. Dammit!"

this should be more subtle imo

imo you weaken him as a character for not wanting to charge her for the job.

Page break at 3/4

Don't end a page in the middle of a sentence or expression (always a punctuation). It's irritating.

All right – the script then suddenly ends.

If I were you, I definitely would say something about the project in the thread. I mean, is it the exposition of a feature script or what does it mean?

Give us a context of what you are doing.

From my sight on characters, dialogue and descriptions, this is all in a fine shape for my taste. Good job there.

Then, if it, in fact, should represent a "complete" short story, then you definitely need a stronger expression and stronger dramaturgy that leads to an ending and message.

But again, if this is the beginning of something longer, then you have a full go from my side. It's all clean and feels authentic.

All best


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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RolandJ
Posted: March 8th, 2019, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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PrussianMosby;
Thanks for replying. Your comments and suggestions are duly noted. I missed the typo in WIDE/wife - good catch.

About the page break and split dialogue---That is how my program sets it up in the event dialogue spills over to the next page.

About the logline ---I had toyed with expanding it before posting. So I guess I should do exactly that.

About diminishing the tow-truck driver's role because he doesn't charge her---I disagree with you on this point. Back in the 1950's, there were so few African American celebrities outside of music, that to suddenly come face to face with the first A-list black actress in history would have been a near life-changing experience. And this was 7 years before Sidney Poitier achieved the same status! The driver is awe-struck if not mesmerized, and relieved to see that she is both humble  and appreciative of his timely arrival. Quite the contrary was my experience a few years back when I met a well-known AA sit-com actress who was arrogant, dismissive, insulting and who felt so entitled, as to suggest I (we) were lucky to even be in her presence.

About whether this is a short or a feature---I haven't yet decided. A movie from 2011 titled "MY WEEK WITH MARILYN" bears a near-similar premise that took place during the filming of THE PRINCE AND THE SHOWGIRL. I'll watch it again to see if my story will hold up as a feature or best be served as a short.

Again, I appreciate your input.

RJ
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 9th, 2019, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Yo,

understand what you're saying.

Slightly in direction of an epos is a big task, imo needs more than a year, probably more to find the truth of the story. Great. Just put out another script if you like the board, interesting stuff.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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RolandJ
Posted: March 9th, 2019, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll probably end up doing that once I have all the research finished.
RJ
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 9th, 2019, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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And you bleed screenwriting… then show

People say that Michael Kiwanuka is in the row of Jimmy Hendrix;  a  dark skinned guy who "I" listen on and on. On and on. However, send me your next script if you like, Roland



In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)


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PrussianMosby  -  March 9th, 2019, 4:38pm
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RolandJ
Posted: March 9th, 2019, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Will do.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 9th, 2019, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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You seem to be that intelligent that you don't break for a last word. Watch out for B. Traven


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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eldave1
Posted: March 11th, 2019, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thought parts of it was fine. However, I thought Dorothy was way over the top in terms of laying her child experience on to a personal stranger. Didn't seem natural to me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RolandJ
Posted: March 12th, 2019, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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eldave1
Thank you for responding. DD had a vulnerability about her. She was very insecure, particularly when it came to her color. And it was this insecurity that fueled her exceptional talent. But her achiles heel was her child with disabilities for which she blamed herself. She couldn’t get over the fact that she had conceived a defective child. She felt that it could only be because she herself was somehow defective. And under duress she would always revert back to this belief that she was missing something in her gene structure. She was also known for spending hours on the phone talking about her child to whom ever would listen. I understand your point. And probably under other circumstances she might respond somewhat differently. Then too, at the moment this is a short story, so her character imo is structured to express this issue as a way to propel this brief relationship by the time it ends.
RJ
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eldave1
Posted: March 12th, 2019, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Makes sense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, I disagree with you here. Because, people who have problems do very often open up toward strangers. I felt that it was super authentic that the icon talked straight.

Imo, here is a very good screenwriting talent at work.
But Dave, you know I know shit ;.)

However, imo, Roland is good.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Dave, I disagree with you here. Because, people who have problems do very often open up toward strangers. I felt that it was super authentic that the icon talked straight.

Imo, here is a very good screenwriting talent at work.
But Dave, you know I know shit ;.)

However, imo, Roland is good.


For me I would have liked a little more passage of time on the road or something that would clue her to the fact that he was indeed a kindred spirit - one to be trusted with her woes. But that's just me. I am not too familiar with her story so it could be spot on.  

I do love the premise of this one


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure why I took party, Dave.

The story has no ending yet. Then, he can write... I 100% give it to you , Roland


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
Not sure why I took party, Dave.

The story has no ending yet. Then, he can write... I 100% give it to you , Roland


No sweat- there is a huge chance I'm 100% wrong


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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