Hi guys,

I wrote this draft in a bust of energy a few days ago. I'm too close to it to really evaluate it at this stage, but I feel like it lacks any real "set pieces" of either comedy or drama. Only thing I really like about it is it's a quick read.

Logline: A man who's life is spiraling out of control falls deeply for someone who is completely wrong for him, and must re-invent himself completely (or at least pretend to).

It's kind of inspired by will they/won't they classic sitcom relationships - this one is a "they shouldn't" - I dunno, I wrote it quickly).

Link herehttps://www.dropbox.com/s/khidghc6jdecpuy/TOXIC%20%282%29.pdf?dl=0

tell me what you think

Hi Ben,

So I liked this, it's very... raw? I think that’s a good word to describe it.

It's definitely a quick read because it's dialogue heavy. I'm in two minds about the dialogue though. I think it’s very authentic, I think the characters have individual voices, and I think you do well to build the relationships through dialogue. The thing that concerns me is that a fair portion of the dialogue is very general, as in, it just normal back and forth that I don’t think moves the story forward. But then in saying that this is the first of a series so it potentially has a lot of time to evolve.

With regards to, “it lacks any real "set pieces" of either comedy or drama.” I’m not entirely sure what more you want. There is definitely drama and comedy. Could you expand on this?

Quite a few funny moments with two laugh out loud ones for me below.

Quoted Text SILVIA How does it look? Donald looks at the preview on the camera. Silvia's eyes are barely open, her husband is looking away, and the baby is red as a tomato and completely unremarkable. DONALD Maybe one more?

Quoted Text SIERRA I'm not paying two hundred a week to share with you and a Nazi dog.

I personally don’t think it’s as strong as People's Parties but it was certainly an enjoyable read. I'd be interested in reading a second episode.

All the best.

I liked it. the dialogue was great, quick read. the funniest part for me was when sierra leans over to check the dog. I do have one question, with a roommate like Sierra can she not help him more with his depression? She seems active in his life like going to hospital and quacks office. Would like to see more of them.