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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  "Toxic" - comedy pilot WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    "Toxic" - comedy pilot WIP  (currently 207 views)
AlsoBen
Posted: March 18th, 2019, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys,

I wrote this draft in a bust of energy a few days ago. I'm too close to it to really evaluate it at this stage, but I feel like it lacks any real "set pieces" of either comedy or drama. Only thing I really like about it is it's a quick read.

Logline: A man who's life is spiraling out of control falls deeply for someone who is completely wrong for him, and must re-invent himself completely (or at least pretend to).

It's kind of inspired by will they/won't they classic sitcom relationships - this one is a "they shouldn't" - I dunno, I wrote it quickly).

Link herehttps://www.dropbox.com/s/khidghc6jdecpuy/TOXIC%20%282%29.pdf?dl=0

tell me what you think


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Warren
Posted: March 20th, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben,

So I liked this, it's very... raw? I think thatís a good word to describe it.

It's definitely a quick read because it's dialogue heavy. I'm in two minds about the dialogue though. I think itís very authentic, I think the characters have individual voices, and I think you do well to build the relationships through dialogue. The thing that concerns me is that a fair portion of the dialogue is very general, as in, it just normal back and forth that I donít think moves the story forward. But then in saying that this is the first of a series so it potentially has a lot of time to evolve.

With regards to, ďit lacks any real "set pieces" of either comedy or drama.Ē Iím not entirely sure what more you want. There is definitely drama and comedy. Could you expand on this?

Quite a few funny moments with two laugh out loud ones for me below.


Quoted Text
SILVIA
How does it look?
Donald looks at the preview on the camera. Silvia's eyes are
barely open, her husband is looking away, and the baby is red
as a tomato and completely unremarkable.
DONALD
Maybe one more?



Quoted Text
SIERRA
I'm not paying two hundred a week
to share with you and a Nazi dog.


I personally donít think itís as strong as People's Parties but it was certainly an enjoyable read. I'd be interested in reading a second episode.

All the best.


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Clark
Posted: March 24th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. the dialogue was great, quick read. the funniest part for me was when sierra leans over to check the dog. I do have one question, with a roommate like Sierra can she not help him more with his depression? She seems active in his life like going to hospital and quacks office. Would like to see more of them.
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