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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Toxic Disinhibition - Short, Drama - WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    Toxic Disinhibition - Short, Drama - WIP  (currently 402 views)
Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 2nd, 2019, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Ooh, very exciting. A hearty congrats to you!  



Thanking you  

Age - I completely agree with you, I didn't want to make Sylvia that old. But the limitations were actors of late teen/early 20's - I tried to make her seem younger with the unicorns and fairy lights - but now I am free from the limitations I will make her younger.

Friends - Very good suggestion. I still want her to be a loner, no "real" world friends - but they could be online friends who have betrayed her - then on top of that (as you say) strangers jump onto the insulting bandwagon and really grind down her mental health.

Time - Some great suggestions, thank you. Looks like I really need to put my creative hat on for this one - Somehow link the passage of time with the technology/social media aspect.

Realism - My initial goal was for the reader to think the characters were really there in the beginning - only finding out later that this interaction/conversation/bullying was all online. That was the 'twist' I was referring to - But this approach simply didn't work. So now I will go with making it obvious they aren't really there and their presence is more symbolic - online actions have real-world consequences.

The above will link into your inventive advice - blur the lines between the real world and online. This is going to use all of my creative power lol

The decline of Sylvia - I had a think about this one. And I thought I would have her start off already on rocky ground (self-harm scars for example), which would make her final act feel a little less rushed - I hope.

In preparation for this, I read a lot of news articles and stories about real-life teens taking their own lives due to online bullying and blackmail. It was thoroughly depressing, especially being a father. But yes, the bullying in those stories was systematic, relentless, and occurred over time - something I really need to let come through in this story. - I tried to hint at her feeling of isolation by calling for her mom, but the bullies voices are too strong and overpowering that she can't reach out - so I need to expand on that I think.

Teddy - Again, now that I have freedom of character age - I think I may turn him into an old man pretending to be a young teen. Starts off as young love - ends with it being an old man who has used her for sexual gratification.

Thanks for the links, will check them out - and for the title suggestion - The Disinhibition Effect sounds really good. My original one seems a bit clinical.

I can make this longer now - which I think it needs - And I have a LOT to work with here in the rewrite. But hey, screenwriting is all about the rewrite  

Thank you so much LC - I really appreciate it - If you need anything from me, just let me know. Even if it's just a cuppa

Regards

Matt

EDIT: another thought just popped into my head from your technology point - The abuse she receives should intensify as the story goes on (and as the picture circulates online) leading to the climax of more messages than she can read - these will then PING all around her - notifications on her phone, laptop, tablet - completely bombarding and overwhelming. You're a genius.



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Matthew Taylor  -  April 2nd, 2019, 9:45am
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JackH
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey man. I really liked that sneaky little twist you put in at the end there. Nice job.

I'm from Birmingham by the way, although I'm not a student (just uneducated scum). I'd say that  your theme is definitely in keeping with the student (millennial) milieu.

One thing that I was thinking through the first half was, this Liam kid is really going about getting in to a girls pants the wrong way. I mean, public humiliation isn't usually a turn on, you know. This sort of made it seem 'unrealistic' to me, but of course I was too stupid to make the connection that it was all occurring on social media.

In this piece you certainly demonstrate a very direct style of conveying theme/message. Personally, I think you could use something more 'metaphorical' which might open up more avenues for creativity.

That's not to say that it's not already creative. Perhaps the bluntness of the story as it is serves the message as well as anything. It did render an emotional response from me, especially given that I'm someone who has partly grown up in the social media age.

Now I'm just rambling...

Awesome stuff.


"Yes, man is mortal, but that would be only half the trouble. The worst of it is that he's sometimes unexpectedly mortal - there's the trick" -- Mikhail Bulgakov.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jack - sorry, I missed this

Hello fellow Brummie lol I no longer live there but born and raised.

Thanks for giving it a read - I'm glad you liked it and the message came across. It needs a little tweaking to make it a bit more clear and visual, but it's not a bad start I don't think.

I haven't heard back from the Uni so I guess it wasn't for them.

I've marked your WIP for a longer read - have been busy with the one week challenge but now I am done reading I'll find time.

Thanks

Matt


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JackH
Posted: April 29th, 2019, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome man. Would be cool to hear some thoughts on my script.



"Yes, man is mortal, but that would be only half the trouble. The worst of it is that he's sometimes unexpectedly mortal - there's the trick" -- Mikhail Bulgakov.
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