SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 22nd, 2020, 7:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The January One Week Challenge is on

Scripts due to SimplyScripts.com/OWC



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Thriller - WIP Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Thriller - WIP  (currently 199 views)
StevenClark
Posted: January 13th, 2020, 11:17am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2138
Posts Per Day
0.84
New thriller I'm working on. 48 pages so far but whoever chooses to read I don't expect you to go past the first ten. Thanks!

Logline: Diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimers, a retired detective questions his sanity when his daughter's killer emerges after seventeen years on the run.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7rrij6gej76y6ev/HenryFirst10.pdf?dl=0




Logged
Private Message
LC
Posted: January 14th, 2020, 12:14am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3900
Posts Per Day
0.94
Steve, great logline.

Read all of it. Some strong stuff you've written here.

Few observations:

Calvin Bosch? Hmm, apart from Connelly's very well known character Harry Bosch, I'm wondering if a more crim-type low-life name might be more apt?

Your opening is good - starting with the vigilante justice/retired cop - sets things up nicely and makes us sit up and take notice.

The porn line was a little odd. Perhaps adding the word: kiddie, might have meant less puzzlement and more alarm bells ringing for me in terms of the scumbag character this guy is.

Is Precious an ode to the lil dog in Silence Of The Lambs?

So far, I only spot one line where Jim has forgotten something - Kurt's vacation to Florida. I think you could subtly throw in a little bit more.

The scene with Tom & Olivia is the only weak scene for me. I'm assuming the whole fence thing crops up later? Otherwise Tom's expressing sympathy doesn't really advance or add to plot imho.

And the scene with neighbouring Andy is just there as a segue to 'rain coming' and that might destroy evidence? Nothing wrong with that per se.

Trisha and the stripclub scene? Very dark and creepy, brought back a Seven vibe. Love the dark angle and atmosphere but isn't she taking dedication to the job/cause a bit too far? Or is she not a cop? That wasn't clear to me.

I'm getting a Clint Eastwood, Bloodwork vibe too (based on a Connelly book coincidentally) Secret In Their Eyes vibe too.

The retired cop with a personal vendetta on the trail of a killer is not exactly original. That said it's often satisfying. What intrigued and interested me most was the fresh angle of the Alzheimer's angle in your log. Obviously this will come into play more with successive drafts and with more pages? I may be too impatient? The car crash as indicator of his neurological condition is fine but a few more stumbling with words, hazy unreliable recollections could also add another layer from the get-go without overegging it.

The conversation between Jim and Helen about her being the younger woman I'd buy more if she was just a bit younger - maybe fifty.

Anyway, all triflings really.
I'm impressed with your style, Steve. An effortless and fast read so far, with a very pro feel.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
StevenClark
Posted: January 14th, 2020, 8:54am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2138
Posts Per Day
0.84

Quoted from LC
Steve, great logline.

Read all of it. Some strong stuff you've written here.

Few observations:

Calvin Bosch? Hmm, apart from Connelly's very well known character Harry Bosch, I'm wondering if a more crim-type low-life name might be more apt?

Your opening is good - starting with the vigilante justice/retired cop - sets things up nicely and makes us sit up and take notice.

The porn line was a little odd. Perhaps adding the word: kiddie, might have meant less puzzlement and more alarm bells ringing for me in terms of the scumbag character this guy is.

Yeah, I guess I wanted that scene to be jarring. Thought porn might be a way for Jim to catch Bosch off guard.

Is Precious an ode to the lil dog in Silence Of The Lambs?

I don't remember if it was or not.

So far, I only spot one line where Jim has forgotten something - Kurt's vacation to Florida. I think you could subtly throw in a little bit more.

I'm sure I'm gonna throw more in there, but want to keep it subtle. ctually the very next scene has him go in for diagnosis so it's coming.

The scene with Tom & Olivia is the only weak scene for me. I'm assuming the whole fence thing crops up later? Otherwise Tom's expressing sympathy doesn't really advance or add to plot imho.

I thought about that too, wondering if I might make a call back to it. Right now the only reason it's there is because as I was writing this we were having a fence installed at our house because we got a puppy.

Tom expressing his sympathy was more an info dump than anything.


And the scene with neighbouring Andy is just there as a segue to 'rain coming' and that might destroy evidence? Nothing wrong with that per se.

Rain coming. Just a way to say shit's about to get real.

Trisha and the stripclub scene? Very dark and creepy, brought back a Seven vibe. Love the dark angle and atmosphere but isn't she taking dedication to the job/cause a bit too far? Or is she not a cop? That wasn't clear to me.

No, Trish just moonlights as a burlesque dancer.

I'm getting a Clint Eastwood, Bloodwork vibe too (based on a Connelly book coincidentally) Secret In Their Eyes vibe too.

Funny you mention Clint Eastwood because I tried to loosely write the villain in the vein of John Malkovich from In The Line Of Fire. I liked that whole cat and mouse thing.

The retired cop with a personal vendetta on the trail of a killer is not exactly original. That said it's often satisfying. What intrigued and interested me most was the fresh angle of the Alzheimer's angle in your log. Obviously this will come into play more with successive drafts and with more pages? I may be too impatient? The car crash as indicator of his neurological condition is fine but a few more stumbling with words, hazy unreliable recollections could also add another layer from the get-go without overegging it.

I'll take in onboard.

The conversation between Jim and Helen about her being the younger woman I'd buy more if she was just a bit younger - maybe fifty.

Anyway, all triflings really.
I'm impressed with your style, Steve. An effortless and fast read so far, with a very pro feel.


Thanks for reading, Libby. I started this back in the fall but shelved it. Just picked it up yesterday and thought I'd revisit and try to finish it up. No outline this time, no nothing. Just trying to let the characters go where they want. Hopefully it works.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Angry Bear
Posted: January 15th, 2020, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6799
Posts Per Day
1.56
Read all of it.

Great work IMO. You asked for how does it read and what kind of feel, so...

Easy read for sure. Pages flew by. Felt a little more like drama to me than an intense thriller, but there are different types of thrillers, so nothing wrong with that.

Like Libby, I liked the fresh, IMHO, idea of Jim having the early onset of Alzheimer. As we get older, I think it's a fear we all have. Sure, no one wants to get cancer or heart disease or anything like that, but I think, the biggest fear of all is losing your brain. To add to this predicament, I think it's also an opportunity to tackle getting old in other ways too. Like Libby, I would suggest Helen being quite a bit younger and having to deal with his body getting older in other ways too. Plumbing issues, stamina, muscle loss, hearing loss, vision, cholesterol. You name it. These things have an affect on the wife/spouse too, especially if quite a bit younger.

I felt the scene where Jim recognizes the grave in Caddle's picture was too obvious. No need to go to a photo shop to get pics to see that it's the same. I knew it was going to be, so it felt redundant.

All in all, I think this doesn't seem to be a crime that we haven't seen before, so I would suggest making this more about character rather than the crime itself. I liked it. Quite a bit, but if you want me to be glued to my seat and focused on the crime itself, this needs a different approach, IMHO. I'd say, make it more about Jim and his demons and the people around him while he solves the crime of his daughter's murder.

Wish you the very best with this.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
PrussianMosby
Posted: January 16th, 2020, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1404
Posts Per Day
0.62
Hey Yo Mister Clark,

The premise reads exciting, a very contained, specific, scenario, and I hope you go deep and make it an essential fight of life, love and death.

I read till 22 yet and just stopped because of my own schedule.

Your writing style has eventually reached top standard for screenwriting in my view. Especially your new approach here of including shorter sentences, staccato and the mixed perspectives in your descriptions is a great success.

There's only one thing I didn't like even before of your ways, which so often made me scratch my head when reading you: It's the (beat) references as well as the CONT'D in dialogue. Not sure how often I called you out on that, if ever, but usually I recognize those on/from every p1 you write. And I was so happy to not see those here – for some time at least. Leave this stuff to the writers who cannot control the page as you do. It does not fit your abilities. It feels cheap and especially unnecessary when compared to the quality of your action blocks and the dialogue, which already on its own is unambiguously precise in its delivery.

Anyway, the plot reads exciting so far. I truly feel how you bit by bit pull me into all that uncomfortable vibe as a good thriller does. This is all fine so far.

I think you could, and believe you are going to, give it some more shape while progressing. Here are some points that stood out: the revelation you play toward us at second half p8 to top p9 doesn't work well yet. I can feel this alone when characters start to say odd things like: I don't want to sound like a broken record. Especially the adjunct "and no, they never caught the guy" was too easy, an undeserved exposition. This needs some kind of catalyst in the scene to make it a subtle and deserved information. Or otherwise the whole scenery should be replaced to build that moment elsewhere - say a location/scenario that helps you to deliver the information more naturally - IMO.

Then a rather minor point was Jim's secret hideout. You may want to give it a variety to the usual 'down in the cellar' spot. This should be an easy fix though.

Almost forgot the most important thing to rethink, which, from my view, is, the hook. The syringe moment. The hook has to be no later than somewhere halfway on p2. In no case later. You don't have the most entertaining scene there and it all moves toward the syringe, which justifies the slow build of this first scene - for sure it does, it's fine. But the hook still needs to happen. You need to get to that moment quicker.

You forgot to cap Olivia somewhere. There are 'a few' typos here and there, an empty line - nothing to speak of and nothing you won't find yourself soon – it's actually super tidy in the sense of ready.

It feels quite promising so far. Very good work.

Best wishes
Alex



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
StevenClark
Posted: January 16th, 2020, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2138
Posts Per Day
0.84

Quoted from Angry Bear
Read all of it.

Great work IMO. You asked for how does it read and what kind of feel, so...

Easy read for sure. Pages flew by. Felt a little more like drama to me than an intense thriller, but there are different types of thrillers, so nothing wrong with that.

Like Libby, I liked the fresh, IMHO, idea of Jim having the early onset of Alzheimer. As we get older, I think it's a fear we all have. Sure, no one wants to get cancer or heart disease or anything like that, but I think, the biggest fear of all is losing your brain. To add to this predicament, I think it's also an opportunity to tackle getting old in other ways too. Like Libby, I would suggest Helen being quite a bit younger and having to deal with his body getting older in other ways too. Plumbing issues, stamina, muscle loss, hearing loss, vision, cholesterol. You name it. These things have an affect on the wife/spouse too, especially if quite a bit younger.

You might be right in that Helen needs to be younger. I'll definitely look into that.

I felt the scene where Jim recognizes the grave in Caddle's picture was too obvious. No need to go to a photo shop to get pics to see that it's the same. I knew it was going to be, so it felt redundant.

Good call.

All in all, I think this doesn't seem to be a crime that we haven't seen before, so I would suggest making this more about character rather than the crime itself. I liked it. Quite a bit, but if you want me to be glued to my seat and focused on the crime itself, this needs a different approach, IMHO. I'd say, make it more about Jim and his demons and the people around him while he solves the crime of his daughter's murder.

Good advice. Being a first draft I'll look for ways to make this more interesting throughout, I'm sure, on rewrites. Right now I'm just making it up as I go so there's always room for improvement. I totally get what you and Libby are saying in that this has been done before. I think I have a decent twist in mind so we'll see if it keeps peeps glued to their seat until the reveal.

Wish you the very best with this.  




Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
StevenClark
Posted: January 17th, 2020, 9:49am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2138
Posts Per Day
0.84

Quoted from PrussianMosby
Hey Yo Mister Clark,

The premise reads exciting, a very contained, specific, scenario, and I hope you go deep and make it an essential fight of life, love and death.

Thanks for that reminder! Seriously.

I read till 22 yet and just stopped because of my own schedule.

Your writing style has eventually reached top standard for screenwriting in my view. Especially your new approach here of including shorter sentences, staccato and the mixed perspectives in your descriptions is a great success.

There's only one thing I didn't like even before of your ways, which so often made me scratch my head when reading you: It's the (beat) references as well as the CONT'D in dialogue. Not sure how often I called you out on that, if ever, but usually I recognize those on/from every p1 you write. And I was so happy to not see those here – for some time at least. Leave this stuff to the writers who cannot control the page as you do. It does not fit your abilities. It feels cheap and especially unnecessary when compared to the quality of your action blocks and the dialogue, which already on its own is unambiguously precise in its delivery.

I've always used beats. Or pause when conveying a moments passage of time. Not sure if that ever was an issue but I don't try to overload. As for CONT in dialogue, I keep it on on purpose. I don't mind it, but others keep telling me to turn it off. I don't know. That's just where I'm at now. It may change.

My dialogue here is not the best. Only in rewrites will I be able to tweak it.


Anyway, the plot reads exciting so far. I truly feel how you bit by bit pull me into all that uncomfortable vibe as a good thriller does. This is all fine so far.

I think you could, and believe you are going to, give it some more shape while progressing. Here are some points that stood out: the revelation you play toward us at second half p8 to top p9 doesn't work well yet. I can feel this alone when characters start to say odd things like: I don't want to sound like a broken record. Especially the adjunct "and no, they never caught the guy" was too easy, an undeserved exposition. This needs some kind of catalyst in the scene to make it a subtle and deserved information. Or otherwise the whole scenery should be replaced to build that moment elsewhere - say a location/scenario that helps you to deliver the information more naturally - IMO.

Yes, you're right about that passage and it's info dump. I need to convey that better, but info dumps suck and even in the best of films they appear cheesy so it's hard to do well, I think.

Then a rather minor point was Jim's secret hideout. You may want to give it a variety to the usual 'down in the cellar' spot. This should be an easy fix though.

That's interesting. It wasn't a cellar, just a loose floorboard where he stashes things. But I'll think on that and see if I can make it more imaginative.

Almost forgot the most important thing to rethink, which, from my view, is, the hook. The syringe moment. The hook has to be no later than somewhere halfway on p2. In no case later. You don't have the most entertaining scene there and it all moves toward the syringe, which justifies the slow build of this first scene - for sure it does, it's fine. But the hook still needs to happen. You need to get to that moment quicker.

I'll re-read.

You forgot to cap Olivia somewhere. There are 'a few' typos here and there, an empty line - nothing to speak of and nothing you won't find yourself soon – it's actually super tidy in the sense of ready.

It feels quite promising so far. Very good work.

Best wishes
Alex


Thanks, Alex. Nice to hear from you. I have a twist in mind that's not sitting well with me right now, but think I should go ahead and do it anyway. Who knows? It may change.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    My Work In Progress  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006