New thriller I'm working on. 48 pages so far but whoever chooses to read I don't expect you to go past the first ten. Thanks!

Logline: Diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimers, a retired detective questions his sanity when his daughter's killer emerges after seventeen years on the run.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7rrij6gej76y6ev/HenryFirst10.pdf?dl=0

Steve, great logline.

Read all of it. Some strong stuff you've written here.

Few observations:

Calvin Bosch? Hmm, apart from Connelly's very well known character Harry Bosch, I'm wondering if a more crim-type low-life name might be more apt?

Your opening is good - starting with the vigilante justice/retired cop - sets things up nicely and makes us sit up and take notice.

The porn line was a little odd. Perhaps adding the word: kiddie, might have meant less puzzlement and more alarm bells ringing for me in terms of the scumbag character this guy is.

Is Precious an ode to the lil dog in Silence Of The Lambs?

So far, I only spot one line where Jim has forgotten something - Kurt's vacation to Florida. I think you could subtly throw in a little bit more.

The scene with Tom & Olivia is the only weak scene for me. I'm assuming the whole fence thing crops up later? Otherwise Tom's expressing sympathy doesn't really advance or add to plot imho.

And the scene with neighbouring Andy is just there as a segue to 'rain coming' and that might destroy evidence? Nothing wrong with that per se.

Trisha and the stripclub scene? Very dark and creepy, brought back a Seven vibe. Love the dark angle and atmosphere but isn't she taking dedication to the job/cause a bit too far? Or is she not a cop? That wasn't clear to me.

I'm getting a Clint Eastwood, Bloodwork vibe too (based on a Connelly book coincidentally) Secret In Their Eyes vibe too.

The retired cop with a personal vendetta on the trail of a killer is not exactly original. That said it's often satisfying. What intrigued and interested me most was the fresh angle of the Alzheimer's angle in your log. Obviously this will come into play more with successive drafts and with more pages? I may be too impatient? The car crash as indicator of his neurological condition is fine but a few more stumbling with words, hazy unreliable recollections could also add another layer from the get-go without overegging it.

The conversation between Jim and Helen about her being the younger woman I'd buy more if she was just a bit younger - maybe fifty.

Anyway, all triflings really.
I'm impressed with your style, Steve. An effortless and fast read so far, with a very pro feel.

Quoted from LC Steve, great logline. Read all of it. Some strong stuff you've written here. Few observations: Calvin Bosch? Hmm, apart from Connelly's very well known character Harry Bosch, I'm wondering if a more crim-type low-life name might be more apt? Your opening is good - starting with the vigilante justice/retired cop - sets things up nicely and makes us sit up and take notice. The porn line was a little odd. Perhaps adding the word: kiddie, might have meant less puzzlement and more alarm bells ringing for me in terms of the scumbag character this guy is. Yeah, I guess I wanted that scene to be jarring. Thought porn might be a way for Jim to catch Bosch off guard. Is Precious an ode to the lil dog in Silence Of The Lambs? I don't remember if it was or not. So far, I only spot one line where Jim has forgotten something - Kurt's vacation to Florida. I think you could subtly throw in a little bit more. I'm sure I'm gonna throw more in there, but want to keep it subtle. ctually the very next scene has him go in for diagnosis so it's coming. The scene with Tom & Olivia is the only weak scene for me. I'm assuming the whole fence thing crops up later? Otherwise Tom's expressing sympathy doesn't really advance or add to plot imho. I thought about that too, wondering if I might make a call back to it. Right now the only reason it's there is because as I was writing this we were having a fence installed at our house because we got a puppy. Tom expressing his sympathy was more an info dump than anything. And the scene with neighbouring Andy is just there as a segue to 'rain coming' and that might destroy evidence? Nothing wrong with that per se. Rain coming. Just a way to say shit's about to get real. Trisha and the stripclub scene? Very dark and creepy, brought back a Seven vibe. Love the dark angle and atmosphere but isn't she taking dedication to the job/cause a bit too far? Or is she not a cop? That wasn't clear to me. No, Trish just moonlights as a burlesque dancer. I'm getting a Clint Eastwood, Bloodwork vibe too (based on a Connelly book coincidentally) Secret In Their Eyes vibe too. Funny you mention Clint Eastwood because I tried to loosely write the villain in the vein of John Malkovich from In The Line Of Fire. I liked that whole cat and mouse thing. The retired cop with a personal vendetta on the trail of a killer is not exactly original. That said it's often satisfying. What intrigued and interested me most was the fresh angle of the Alzheimer's angle in your log. Obviously this will come into play more with successive drafts and with more pages? I may be too impatient? The car crash as indicator of his neurological condition is fine but a few more stumbling with words, hazy unreliable recollections could also add another layer from the get-go without overegging it. I'll take in onboard. The conversation between Jim and Helen about her being the younger woman I'd buy more if she was just a bit younger - maybe fifty. Anyway, all triflings really. I'm impressed with your style, Steve. An effortless and fast read so far, with a very pro feel.

Thanks for reading, Libby. I started this back in the fall but shelved it. Just picked it up yesterday and thought I'd revisit and try to finish it up. No outline this time, no nothing. Just trying to let the characters go where they want. Hopefully it works.

Steve

Read all of it.

Great work IMO. You asked for how does it read and what kind of feel, so...

Easy read for sure. Pages flew by. Felt a little more like drama to me than an intense thriller, but there are different types of thrillers, so nothing wrong with that.

Like Libby, I liked the fresh, IMHO, idea of Jim having the early onset of Alzheimer. As we get older, I think it's a fear we all have. Sure, no one wants to get cancer or heart disease or anything like that, but I think, the biggest fear of all is losing your brain. To add to this predicament, I think it's also an opportunity to tackle getting old in other ways too. Like Libby, I would suggest Helen being quite a bit younger and having to deal with his body getting older in other ways too. Plumbing issues, stamina, muscle loss, hearing loss, vision, cholesterol. You name it. These things have an affect on the wife/spouse too, especially if quite a bit younger.

I felt the scene where Jim recognizes the grave in Caddle's picture was too obvious. No need to go to a photo shop to get pics to see that it's the same. I knew it was going to be, so it felt redundant.

All in all, I think this doesn't seem to be a crime that we haven't seen before, so I would suggest making this more about character rather than the crime itself. I liked it. Quite a bit, but if you want me to be glued to my seat and focused on the crime itself, this needs a different approach, IMHO. I'd say, make it more about Jim and his demons and the people around him while he solves the crime of his daughter's murder.

Wish you the very best with this.  

Hey Yo Mister Clark,

The premise reads exciting, a very contained, specific, scenario, and I hope you go deep and make it an essential fight of life, love and death.

I read till 22 yet and just stopped because of my own schedule.

Your writing style has eventually reached top standard for screenwriting in my view. Especially your new approach here of including shorter sentences, staccato and the mixed perspectives in your descriptions is a great success.

There's only one thing I didn't like even before of your ways, which so often made me scratch my head when reading you: It's the (beat) references as well as the CONT'D in dialogue. Not sure how often I called you out on that, if ever, but usually I recognize those on/from every p1 you write. And I was so happy to not see those here – for some time at least. Leave this stuff to the writers who cannot control the page as you do. It does not fit your abilities. It feels cheap and especially unnecessary when compared to the quality of your action blocks and the dialogue, which already on its own is unambiguously precise in its delivery.

Anyway, the plot reads exciting so far. I truly feel how you bit by bit pull me into all that uncomfortable vibe as a good thriller does. This is all fine so far.

I think you could, and believe you are going to, give it some more shape while progressing. Here are some points that stood out: the revelation you play toward us at second half p8 to top p9 doesn't work well yet. I can feel this alone when characters start to say odd things like: I don't want to sound like a broken record. Especially the adjunct "and no, they never caught the guy" was too easy, an undeserved exposition. This needs some kind of catalyst in the scene to make it a subtle and deserved information. Or otherwise the whole scenery should be replaced to build that moment elsewhere - say a location/scenario that helps you to deliver the information more naturally - IMO.

Then a rather minor point was Jim's secret hideout. You may want to give it a variety to the usual 'down in the cellar' spot. This should be an easy fix though.

Almost forgot the most important thing to rethink, which, from my view, is, the hook. The syringe moment. The hook has to be no later than somewhere halfway on p2. In no case later. You don't have the most entertaining scene there and it all moves toward the syringe, which justifies the slow build of this first scene - for sure it does, it's fine. But the hook still needs to happen. You need to get to that moment quicker.

You forgot to cap Olivia somewhere. There are 'a few' typos here and there, an empty line - nothing to speak of and nothing you won't find yourself soon – it's actually super tidy in the sense of ready.

It feels quite promising so far. Very good work.

Best wishes
Alex

Quoted from Grandma Bear Read all of it. Great work IMO. You asked for how does it read and what kind of feel, so... Easy read for sure. Pages flew by. Felt a little more like drama to me than an intense thriller, but there are different types of thrillers, so nothing wrong with that. Like Libby, I liked the fresh, IMHO, idea of Jim having the early onset of Alzheimer. As we get older, I think it's a fear we all have. Sure, no one wants to get cancer or heart disease or anything like that, but I think, the biggest fear of all is losing your brain. To add to this predicament, I think it's also an opportunity to tackle getting old in other ways too. Like Libby, I would suggest Helen being quite a bit younger and having to deal with his body getting older in other ways too. Plumbing issues, stamina, muscle loss, hearing loss, vision, cholesterol. You name it. These things have an affect on the wife/spouse too, especially if quite a bit younger. You might be right in that Helen needs to be younger. I'll definitely look into that. I felt the scene where Jim recognizes the grave in Caddle's picture was too obvious. No need to go to a photo shop to get pics to see that it's the same. I knew it was going to be, so it felt redundant. Good call. All in all, I think this doesn't seem to be a crime that we haven't seen before, so I would suggest making this more about character rather than the crime itself. I liked it. Quite a bit, but if you want me to be glued to my seat and focused on the crime itself, this needs a different approach, IMHO. I'd say, make it more about Jim and his demons and the people around him while he solves the crime of his daughter's murder. Good advice. Being a first draft I'll look for ways to make this more interesting throughout, I'm sure, on rewrites. Right now I'm just making it up as I go so there's always room for improvement. I totally get what you and Libby are saying in that this has been done before. I think I have a decent twist in mind so we'll see if it keeps peeps glued to their seat until the reveal. Wish you the very best with this.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Hey Yo Mister Clark, The premise reads exciting, a very contained, specific, scenario, and I hope you go deep and make it an essential fight of life, love and death. Thanks for that reminder! Seriously. I read till 22 yet and just stopped because of my own schedule. Your writing style has eventually reached top standard for screenwriting in my view. Especially your new approach here of including shorter sentences, staccato and the mixed perspectives in your descriptions is a great success. There's only one thing I didn't like even before of your ways, which so often made me scratch my head when reading you: It's the (beat) references as well as the CONT'D in dialogue. Not sure how often I called you out on that, if ever, but usually I recognize those on/from every p1 you write. And I was so happy to not see those here – for some time at least. Leave this stuff to the writers who cannot control the page as you do. It does not fit your abilities. It feels cheap and especially unnecessary when compared to the quality of your action blocks and the dialogue, which already on its own is unambiguously precise in its delivery. I've always used beats. Or pause when conveying a moments passage of time. Not sure if that ever was an issue but I don't try to overload. As for CONT in dialogue, I keep it on on purpose. I don't mind it, but others keep telling me to turn it off. I don't know. That's just where I'm at now. It may change. My dialogue here is not the best. Only in rewrites will I be able to tweak it. Anyway, the plot reads exciting so far. I truly feel how you bit by bit pull me into all that uncomfortable vibe as a good thriller does. This is all fine so far. I think you could, and believe you are going to, give it some more shape while progressing. Here are some points that stood out: the revelation you play toward us at second half p8 to top p9 doesn't work well yet. I can feel this alone when characters start to say odd things like: I don't want to sound like a broken record. Especially the adjunct "and no, they never caught the guy" was too easy, an undeserved exposition. This needs some kind of catalyst in the scene to make it a subtle and deserved information. Or otherwise the whole scenery should be replaced to build that moment elsewhere - say a location/scenario that helps you to deliver the information more naturally - IMO. Yes, you're right about that passage and it's info dump. I need to convey that better, but info dumps suck and even in the best of films they appear cheesy so it's hard to do well, I think. Then a rather minor point was Jim's secret hideout. You may want to give it a variety to the usual 'down in the cellar' spot. This should be an easy fix though. That's interesting. It wasn't a cellar, just a loose floorboard where he stashes things. But I'll think on that and see if I can make it more imaginative. Almost forgot the most important thing to rethink, which, from my view, is, the hook. The syringe moment. The hook has to be no later than somewhere halfway on p2. In no case later. You don't have the most entertaining scene there and it all moves toward the syringe, which justifies the slow build of this first scene - for sure it does, it's fine. But the hook still needs to happen. You need to get to that moment quicker. I'll re-read. You forgot to cap Olivia somewhere. There are 'a few' typos here and there, an empty line - nothing to speak of and nothing you won't find yourself soon – it's actually super tidy in the sense of ready. It feels quite promising so far. Very good work. Best wishes Alex

Thanks, Alex. Nice to hear from you. I have a twist in mind that's not sitting well with me right now, but think I should go ahead and do it anyway. Who knows? It may change.

No activity since January, but I just read this.  So much ground has been covered there isn't really much to say except one thing...I didn't read the whole thing because I kept skipping chunks.  I did so because I couldn't wait to see what happened next!  Not good for someone who has been lurking all the past week reading posts in the screenwriting class section trying to learn as much as possible, and one thing strongly stressed is reading as many scripts as possible.  I just couldn't help myself.  It was that absorbing.  It MAKES you want to see what's next.

If you are still about, what happened with the twist your were contemplating?  My fear is, since the page count at dropbox hasn't changed, that the twist actually drove you away from the idea.  I've had more than one idea where that has happened.  What you thought would be a twist winds up warping into what you feel is actually a flaw in the premise.

Anyway, if you're here, give an update.  I, for one, am interested.

Hey Steven,

Nice of you to dig this up. I'm very glad you liked it.

Off the top of my head, I really can't remember what the twist I was contemplating even was! It's been a while. I got caught up in writing something else and I had to shelve this, though I am quite sure I will get back to it in time, as I recall I felt pretty good while writing it and it got some good feedback, yours included.

And like I said, it wasn't the twist that drove me away, it was another project. As I've found, time away usually helps more than it hurts.

Let me know if you have anything you'd like a read on.

Steve

This is looking good, mate - clean. crisp writing, nicely paced and interesting. Solid work. My only gripe is that in a few places the dialogue gets a little exposition laden - examples:

Quoted Text JIM She was a wonderful person, I do miss her every day, and no, they never caught the guy.

Quoted Text KURT We were doing a service, Jim. You and I both know Calvin Bosch was no good. JIM Registered sex offender. Said he’d do it again when he got out.

Quoted Text KURT You made a promise to your daughter, Jim. JIM Yeah, to catch her killer. KURT Right. Not to kill everyone else who’s committed similar crimes.

While the dialogue is generally top-notch, the examples above were situations where I got taken out of my immersion in the story because it was just blasting exposition -  basically two characters telling themselves information they already know for our sake.  I would look for all places in dialogue where you are giving us story information and see if there is a better (more organic) way to provide it or if it needs to be provide at all.

As an example - maybe as an exposition device, Jim has recently decided to see a shrink because of all these issues. That would be a more natural place for story information to be exchanged - i.e., the shrink doesn't already know - rather than between two characters that should already know. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway - all in all - solid stiff

Quoted from eldave1 This is looking good, mate - clean. crisp writing, nicely paced and interesting. Solid work. My only gripe is that in a few places the dialogue gets a little exposition laden - examples: While the dialogue is generally top-notch, the examples above were situations where I got taken out of my immersion in the story because it was just blasting exposition -  basically two characters telling themselves information they already know for our sake.  I would look for all places in dialogue where you are giving us story information and see if there is a better (more organic) way to provide it or if it needs to be provide at all. As an example - maybe as an exposition device, Jim has recently decided to see a shrink because of all these issues. That would be a more natural place for story information to be exchanged - i.e., the shrink doesn't already know - rather than between two characters that should already know. Hope that makes sense. Anyway - all in all - solid stiff

Thanks for reading, Dave. You're 100% spot on with the examples you pointed out. Whenever I get back to this I'll figure something out with it. Good catch.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Thanks for reading, Dave. You're 100% spot on with the examples you pointed out. Whenever I get back to this I'll figure something out with it. Good catch. Steve

My pleasure