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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Analog Spirit - WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    Analog Spirit - WIP  (currently 799 views)
JustinS
Posted: May 15th, 2020, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all.

Genre: Supernatural crime drama/coming of age

Logline draft: A second-generation Indian American immigrant with severe dyslexia is enlisted to investigate a string of murders in a New Jersey town after she discovers she has strange telepathic powers.

Here is the link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1y1t88hIvuii1tLrfIxBnlvHhpnCSSk1o/view?usp=sharing

Hope you enjoy!

EDIT: Name should be "Mihika." I don't know how the S got in there.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JustinS  -  May 16th, 2020, 1:07am
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Fais85
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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"Access Denied."

You have to change the privacy settings to "Anyone with the link can view".
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JustinS
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fais85
"Access Denied."

You have to change the privacy settings to "Anyone with the link can view".


Thanks for letting me know -- just changed it.
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Fais85
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Justin,

The first scene is well written. Nice visuals. A lot of people will have a problem with "Fade In" being on the right side, the use of the word "We see" and the mention of camera directions. Perhaps you should get rid of them.


Quoted Text
MISHIKA

No cigs in the guest room. Christ,
Joel, Iím living here rent-free at
the mercy of a Jain couple.


Jain doesn't have to do anything with "not smoking cigarettes in the room". It's a personal choice. Though, a lot of traditional old Indian people have these weird rules irrespective of the religion. Jain people do hate any kind of non-veg in their premises. I guess you should include it. It will create subtle humor for Non-Indians.


Quoted Text
MISHIKA
(glares)
Zoloft is an SSRI.

JOEL
So?

MISHIKA
I canít take SSRIs.


This conversation is too technical for me. Perhaps not for others.

Overall, solid first scene and talky-average second scene with a lot of information dump. Try to show instead of telling.
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AlsoBen
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fais85
This conversation is too technical for me. Perhaps not for others.


I disagree - I think movies tend to throw around the words for psych meds carelessly and it was refreshing to see a character who actually knows whats med they're one.

I liked this. Great dialogue. It's hard to say much else without seeing more than a few pages but what you've written to so far is technically good and interesting enough.

Your logline is WAY too busy and it doesn't tell us enough about the actually premise/hook. What's special about the murders? Why is is relevant she is dyslexic (or even that she is a second-generation immigrant - why not just call her Indian/American)? I'm sure all these things are relevant but they're not relevant with what you share in the logline.


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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Well written!

On  the SSRI debate.

Fais is correct in that it is so technical it will fly over 99% of people's heads and be a meaningless line.

Ben is correct in that specificity also = authenticity.

I'd split the baby.

Have her say she can't take serotonin inhibitors.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JustinS
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the feedback! I think that's a good compromise -- I want to keep some of the more specific lines because they kinda reflect the environment of hypereducated college aged kids in suburban New Jersey, but it's still important for the audience to know what's going on.

The logline is admittedly pretty hastily thrown together; I'll be working on a new one soon. I made a few more changes to the script that I think lead to better dialogue. For example, I don't think Joel's the kind of person to talk about his parents, so I removed his line about not being noticed and went straight into the philosophical dialogue about families -- now it seems like a motivated deflection, which helps his lines stand out.

Hopefully I'll be working my way through more scenes soon. The tone of the teaser honestly isn't what I'd expected to write, but I like how it panned out.
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eldave1
Posted: May 16th, 2020, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Best of luck.  You're on the right road


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JustinS
Posted: May 17th, 2020, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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Here is an updated version, with some subsequent scenes: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1y1t88hIvuii1tLrfIxBnlvHhpnCSSk1o/view?usp=sharing

Hope you guys enjoy, and maybe get a better sense of where I'm going with this.
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Fais85
Posted: May 18th, 2020, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Well written. Loved both scenes. Very crisp and to the point.
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