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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  In Plain Sight - 6 Pages Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Plain Sight - 6 Pages  (currently 178 views)
scrawlx101
Posted: August 5th, 2022, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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I would love some feedback on my script. This is my second draft. I know SpAG is probably rife through this piece but I have tried to ensure that I have done this correctly.
Link to script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1c9UX7WgYnJdRaRXYuVBQ5xkzgTvNrtT_/view?usp=sharing
I would really appreciate feedback on the following:
1. Does the protagonist have a clear goal?
2. Is there enough subtext in what I have written?
3. Do I have a clear structure? I tried to use Freytag's Pyramid to construct a smaller narrative.
4. Is my narrative focus too wide or is it just small enough for a short film ( a common problem I have struggled with is coming up with ideas which are too big for short films but not having the experience/discipline to write for longer features).
5. Feedback on a my action lines would be greatly appreciated - a break down on some of them would be appreciated as this is probably the most frustrating aspect of writing at the moment.
6. Any general feedback on the plot/story.
Thank you so much.
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eldave1
Posted: August 7th, 2022, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Took a look at your opening 1/3rd.

Headers are formatted incorrectly.

This:


Quoted Text
INT.CORRIDOR - DAY


Should be: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY (you are missing a space between INT. and CORRIDOR).

Also - Corridor of what? House? Hospital? Factory - use your header to help set the location. e.g.,

INT. HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY

Try to be more efficient by eliminating unnecessary words. Look at your first sentence.


Quoted Text
DEREK, a young man in his 20s is sitting against a heater
rummaging through his rucksack.


We know he's a man by his name. We know he is young by his age. So just: DEREK (20s).

Right in the active sense. Rather than: Derek is sitting.... - go with Derek sits...


Quoted Text
He lays out in front of him:
a hammer,a tie,a bottle of water,a photo of a smiling boy,
and a plastic bag.


A bit awkward - where is he getting these things to "lay out" - Just have them in front of him. i.e., On the floor in front of Derek, a hammer....


Quoted Text
He clenches his fist around the bottle as he chugs it down,
he wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
He picks up the image of the boy and stares intently for a
beat.


Again - a bit overwritten.   Just -

Derek chugs back the water, stares off in the distance.

DEREK
Be strong.


Quoted Text
Derek quickly stuffs the photo into his pocket.


"Stuffs" implies quickly - Just - Derek pockets the photo...

Hope this helps


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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scrawlx101
Posted: August 9th, 2022, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Thank you - about action lines and subtext how can I include this in my script?  Are there any exercises to help with writing more actively?
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scrawlx101
Posted: August 9th, 2022, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Took a look at your opening 1/3rd.

Headers are formatted incorrectly.

This:



Should be: INT. CORRIDOR - DAY (you are missing a space between INT. and CORRIDOR).

Also - Corridor of what? House? Hospital? Factory - use your header to help set the location. e.g.,

INT. HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY

Try to be more efficient by eliminating unnecessary words. Look at your first sentence.



We know he's a man by his name. We know he is young by his age. So just: DEREK (20s).

Right in the active sense. Rather than: Derek is sitting.... - go with Derek sits...



A bit awkward - where is he getting these things to "lay out" - Just have them in front of him. i.e., On the floor in front of Derek, a hammer....



Again - a bit overwritten.   Just -

Derek chugs back the water, stares off in the distance.

DEREK
Be strong.



"Stuffs" implies quickly - Just - Derek pockets the photo...

Hope this helps


Thank you - about action lines and subtext how can I include this in my script?  Are there any exercises to help with writing more actively?


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eldave1
Posted: August 9th, 2022, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from scrawlx101


Thank you - about action lines and subtext how can I include this in my script?  Are there any exercises to help with writing more actively?




Good place to start is here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1167319038/

George's post from 2006 covers it pretty well.

To his post I would add, you can often use a simple, more expressive verb to avoid the adverbs.

e.g, Dave runs quickly across the lawn - vs...

Dave darts across the lawn



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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