Link to script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rB-qPB5hg5M8H2Gwr1GybaXVKVIte0ww/view?usp=sharing
I would really appreciate feedback on the following:
1. Does the protagonist have a clear goal?
2. Is there enough subtext in what I have written?
3. Do I have a clear structure? I tried to use Freytag's Pyramid to construct a smaller narrative. I also deliberately set this mainly in the sitting room as its something I want to shoot and also I wanted to construct a chamber film.
4. Is my narrative focus too wide or is it just small enough for a short film ( a common problem I have struggled with is coming up with ideas which are too big for short films but not having the experience/discipline to write for longer features).
I feel like this time my balance is pretty good or at least improved?
5. Feedback on a my action lines would be greatly appreciated - a break down on some of them would be appreciated as this is probably the most frustrating aspect of writing at the moment.
6. Any general feedback on the plot/story.

Hey, buddy - gave this a read.

There are a lot of big questions given you have a ton of little problems.

Put your name on the TITLE PAGE

First line --

Quoted Text MICHAEL (20s) as keeps one hand on his earpiece as he plo towards the sitting room.

Keep – not as keeps.

What is plo? Plows maybe?

You need a new sub header when he enters the sitting room. E.g.,

MICHAEL (20s) keeps one hand on his earpiece as he plows towards the –

SITTING ROOM

That’s just the opening line. You have similar problems throughout.

The story was very confusing for me. I suppose the gist of it is that Michael is some kind of superhero, has neglected his son and is getting some vision what that neglect would cause… It took me several reads to get that. Hope it is correct.

1. Does the protagonist have a clear goal?

NO. He has a clear conflict - torn between son and job

2. Is there enough subtext in what I have written?

There may be too much subtext

3. Do I have a clear structure? I tried to use Freytag's Pyramid to construct a smaller narrative. I also deliberately set this mainly in the sitting room as its something I want to shoot and also I wanted to construct a chamber film.

I think it could be clearer. I am kind of guessing (see above) what the story is about

4. Is my narrative focus too wide or is it just small enough for a short film ( a common problem I have struggled with is coming up with ideas which are too big for short films but not having the experience/discipline to write for longer features).

IMO – too wide.

5. I feel like this time my balance is pretty good or at least improved?

Don’t know – haven’t seen your prior work

6. Feedback on a my action lines would be greatly appreciated - a break down on some of them would  be appreciated as this is probably the most frustrating aspect of writing at the moment.

Hard to judge because there are so many grammatical mistakes and typos. Is English a second language? You may want to check out Grammerly – there is a free version that you can cut and paste your work in and check for proper grammar.

I think once you fix that – the action lines would read better.

I’ll dissect one to give you suggestions.

The young man is sat alone with a solitary glass of water. He
wears a black suit and shirt this time.

Sat in the opposite chair, a bewildered Michael.

If he is a character – it is Young Man – not young man.

Don’t need sat alone (and should be sits) – and makes it confusing anyway since he is not alone

Don’t need “this time” – we know it is this time.

solitary glass – we are not going to think he has more than one

If I were to write it –

The Young Man, clad in a black suit, sits in a chair clasping a glass of water.

A bewildered Michael sits across from him    

6. Any general feedback on the plot/story.

I found it confusing.

Hope these help

Um, Dave... Wouldn't it be ' keeps' - plural? Delete 'as' like you said to the latter? I think that's a typo there.

Quoted from eldave1 5. I feel like this time my balance is pretty good or at least improved? Don’t know – haven’t seen your prior work

Actually you've forgotten how generous you are, Dave. You did kindly provide feedback on another of scrawlx's work on this WIP thread - In Plain Sight.

Quoted from LC Um, Dave... Wouldn't it be ' keeps' - plural? Delete 'as' like you said to the latter? I think that's a typo there. Actually you've forgotten how generous you are, Dave. You did kindly provide feedback on another of scrawlx's work on this WIP thread - In Plain Sight.

Indeed - keeps. You have an eagle eye

Thanks for the reminder!

Thank you for your feedback - a couple of questions:

When you say I have included too much subtext - what do you mean?

Quoted from scrawlx101 Thank you for your feedback - a couple of questions: When you say I have included too much subtext - what do you mean?

Let's start with a baseline definition:

Subtext is the less obvious, and sometimes hidden meaning beneath the words and actions in a scene. It becomes understood as the scene and story progresses, revealed to the reader through subtle cues.

IMO - you wait to long to unleash the subtle clues so that we know what the story is about. - again, that also depends if I got the story right.  Assuming I did - the point that I realized this was a hero torn between duty and family landed to late in the script.