New Here - Scene attached :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Prepare for a bit of rambling. Take or leave whatever advice  helps.

This started with the feeling (admittedly mine) that there was only one character in the scene, when in fact your script is essentially a two-hander. Two roommates waxing lyrical. Establishing this from the get-go would be a good idea imho. If you want Curtis off camera (O.S.) to begin with as the focus that's fine, but make sure the character of Sam making an entrance does so in a memorable way, and establishes character in an impactful way, otherwise you may as well open on both characters slumming it on the couch together.

You're better off from a story POV if these two are an ‘odd couple’. Curtis folding clothes establishes he might be a house-proud, pretty anal, domestic kinda guy. Without getting strictly into Felix and Oscar territory there are plenty of great characters memorable because of how ill-matched their character traits and lifestyles are.

First impressions for me was that these guys read a lot younger than mid-forties. The scenario alone, the relaying of sexual exploits, (again, jmho) suits less mature worldly blokes. Two men in their 20s discussing sex would read way different than two men In your 40s who you would assume have been around the block a few times. The only way around that is to centre the comedy around something unlikely like two 40year old virgins sharing a flat or that these two have reached their age having never been married or perennially unlucky in love. Nothing wrong with that premise at all, and plenty of laughs to mine on the subject.

I felt the discussion re the Rapture was not really that effective as a segue to what eventuates as the key plot - did Curtis finally get lucky with the one who previously got away? The Rapture discussion came across as one subject and then it was as if you thought of another so it didn't quite gel for me. If you were going for a myriad of disjointed discussions you needed more quick short topics for that to work.

Dave gave some good advice re brevity and keeping things simple by not needing to detail every character's actions and reactions.

CURTIS
(referring to the
television)
You know, the world's going to hell
in a handbasket in real time these
days.

That line could finish at the word: handbasket for example.

Trust your audience more. Take out all those wrylies and read the article Dave suggested to know when they are necessary to include.

CURTIS
Because I know you. AND, I'll even
take it a step further...

If a character interjects like Sam does in the next line you should use an emdash, endash or hypen not ellipses (which denotes a trailing off of thought) . See this discussion here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1395018709/s-0/

All caps are not needed with AND, or further down with HEY, etc.

Get rid of CUT TOs, & Continuous headings.
Starting a new scene is effectively a CUT TO.

A change of subject. (Page 4).
No need to write those explicit words above, to indicate the guys are going off on a tangent.

Short script writing especially is about getting into a scene late and exiting just as fast.
https://cyberfilmschool.com/enter-late-leave-early/

Try and establish a quick banter between your characters by removing clutter.

CURTIS
~~(voice trails off)~~
Ahh, ya know...
Sam's face shows a moment of clarity and he turns slowly
towards Curtis. (too much)
SAM
Did you sleep over? (Did you sleep over? ) By all means use a euphemism but he's referring to 'did he have sex with her', get his end in, reach home-base, bisect the triangle - whatever you choose as apt for your character. Again, these guys are in their 40s so a 'sleep-over' seems an unlikely choice of words at the very least. Unless of course we come to know Sam as speaking in riddles.

Suggestion:
CURTIS
Ahh, you know...
SAM
Um, no, I don’t actually.

CURTIS shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
(This is too much) Both men are frozen, Curtis in a bit of a pickle and Sam
eagerly awaiting details.
Think about what your characters are doing, imagine watching that scene play out.
‘Eagerly awaiting details' can be expressed as simply as leaning forward in his seat, or even making a goofy face, - especially if the chacter's mouth is full of pizza.
.
The two men move back to their positions on the couch, Sam
with a look of anticipation and awe.
Again, too much.

You might think about setting this at night btw. Folding washing and takeaway pizza in the middle of the day? With no sport on TV, no special occasion to speak of, not even a hangover and pizza discussed  as a greasy food antidote to a hard night? Stereotypical I know, but reading this I had too many unanswered questions about these guys and their lifestyle.

Avoid spoonfeeding the audience with a conclusion too at the end of description lines.
Curtis sinks down, losing his high.e.g.  (get rid of 'losing his high')

Formatting wise:
Get rid of (CONTINUED).
Flashbacks you can format in various ways by including Flashback in brackets at the end of the slugline or with a hyphen, or you can use it in a transition line, or just
BEGIN FLASHBACK
and
BACK TO SCENE

You can establish a lot with character and circumstance from the outset – the type of place they share for example – is it a hovel or upmarket. If one of these guys enters the room half-naked or wearing a T-shirt like Spike in Notting Hill emblazoned with 'Get it Here' and a big downward arrow, we know instantly the type of character we have just met.

Embellish your scene visually with details in description. The apartment for example. Don't give us an Ikea shopping list of items, but paint the scene to (show us) snippets about these men. Does the furniture look Charity Shop or high end? Are they employed? Is there a plaque on the wall 'Employee of the Month - Chucky Cheese? Or a framed Bachelor of Design in Architecture on the wall?  A picture paints a thousand words. Think of your favourite Sitcom – Take BigBang Theory for example (not a fav of mind btw) but the details in the set-dressing tell us a lot about character and the character's world, before a word is even uttered – vast array of books and DVDs, a Forbidden Planet poster, an Electromagnetic Spectrum Chart, take-away food containers and dishes piled high in a sink.

What specifically tells us/shows us the world your guys inhabit?

You need to establish character straight away especially if you are thinking of writing a Series pilot.
Likewise your dialogue (while not bad at all) needs to be elevated to a degree that these character stand out in a crowd with their particular idiosyncrasies, flaws, quirks etc.

Perhaps some physical comedy mixed in with some jokes that are going to hit the spot too. Listen to comedians, analyse the mechanics of a punchline. I'm assuming this is a comedy cause it has humorous elements and it doesn't read as straight drama.

Finally, make your plot memorable. I think, though it's not exactly original, the potential love of his life being told she reminds him of his Mother would be way more shocking than him saying she reminded him of his sister. The rest of your series could then be about a funny exploration of how he wins this girl back after such a faux pas.

You definitely have a voice and your characters intrigued me, you just need to eliminate the clutter, heighten the plot, and fill in some of the blanks around these guys and their world.

If this was just an experiment in formatting then some things I've mentioned (and Dave too) should help.
Hope to see more of you and your characters.