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Does my main character have a character arc? Are my characters compelling? (Not sure how possible this is in a short)
I am trying to get rid and cut dialogue to make the script tighter - how can I accomplish this?
My idea to include flashbacks was inspired by when heist films outline the 'plan' and show a failed attempt with a voiceover but I feel like the way I have written these scenes are clunky, any advice?
My main hope was to make this a chamber film, do you think this has succeeded?
You have a story, maybe a unique idea, something different to say with this idea and some potentially interesting characters to relate your story with. Your slug lines are all in the right places and the formatting was all very proficient.
Some things to think about:
As I read through the first few pages I didn't really get a clear sense of what was happening, the opening was quite confusing. You used a few subtle references to unrevealed elements within your story universe in the beginning but I didn't understand any of these references initially without reading through the whole script multiple times.
There needs to be a clear image for your reader right from the very first piece of description/dialogue. As a reader, I'm thinking: who is Emily? What is her purpose? What is her relationship to Leon? Who is Leon? What is his purpose? I had no idea initially who these people were.
That said, I don't think you need to reveal all in the opening few pages but I think it is important to give the reader a clear image of the character/s if the reader is to become invested in your story. Your reader needs something - a situation/interesting set of circumstances/exchange of dialogue - which is immediately relatable to the reader even if they don't know where your story is going.
I understood what was happening in each scene from page 7 onwards, these pages were easier to understand. However, I found I had to read through all 10 pages again before I could fully understand the entire script. Having read all 10 pages I can see that you have an interesting story, I think there is strong potential for good conflict with this idea.
My main focus for feedback:
Do you have a clear conflict? - potentially yes but would work better if narrative was clearer;
Does my main character have a character arc? Are my characters compelling?
The main character is a 'has been' superhero and disgraced for not saving a famous politician? A bit like Hancock (Will Smith superhero movie)? The arc I assume is for him to gain back his credibility and confidence as a superhero? Emily? I'm not sure where she's going after being sacked but there is clear potential for an interesting arc here too. And Steven? He aspires to be a great superhero not just a one-hit-wonder who is forgotten about within the next 5 minutes? Lots of potential for an interesting arc there.
I am trying to get rid and cut dialogue to make the script tighter - how can I accomplish this?
For me, I would say you need MORE detail in your description (not necessarily more description but more descriptive description!)
My idea to include flashbacks was inspired by when heist films outline the 'plan' and show a failed attempt with a voiceover but I feel like the way I have written these scenes are clunky, any advice?
Flashbacks are a great way to make your story feel more dynamic and visually interesting - I wasn't too keen with the way you cut back and forth between the present and flashbacks but I could see what you were going for here. Again, it's all in the description - tell a strong compelling story with clear efficient use of description; I don't think there are any hard and fast rules regarding use of flashbacks but just be aware that overuse of flashbacks can make your narrative very messy.
My main hope was to make this a chamber film, do you think this has succeeded?
I've no idea what a chamber film is but you've made a great start. Good luck and keep writing!
A Chamber Film from what I gather is one location, and minimal characters. Scrawlx, with all the flashbacks, this is not that imho.
Points to note:
This reads as if the characters are already established and we know them, which we don't. It reads as an episode of an already established series.
You appear to be describing the fallout from your Superhero's failed mission and now effectively he is ostracized facing derision etc.
I notice in this script and with your clone script that characters randomly go off to the bathroom, drink water, sit, stand, without much motivation to do so.
Said this before: get out of the habit of writing 'is sat'.
Description of scene setups is needed e.g. location. We start we a house and in the kitchen. Where are we? City apartment, country cottage, wealthy, poor, high tech?
If you have characters that are basically talking heads and your script is essentially dialogue driven that dialogue needs to be completely immersive and original and snappy, and/or really funny. Study the dialogue masters: Mamet, Sorkin, Allen, Cody, Ephron - to name some.
If you're keeping your flashback scenes think of using a pivotal flashback scene in your opening to grab your audience - perhaps at the point Leon reads: I hope the Crimson Red burns to death... then give us that Flashback/Action scene. You're waiting too long.
At the moment, honestly, this reads as a too rambling debriefing after an event for your main character; a naval gazing narrative, but without a riveting enough context.
Scripts are all about 'story'. You know your story but it's not coming alive on the page at the moment.
You have a story, maybe a unique idea, something different to say with this idea and some potentially interesting characters to relate your story with. Your slug lines are all in the right places and the formatting was all very proficient.
Some things to think about:
As I read through the first few pages I didn't really get a clear sense of what was happening, the opening was quite confusing. You used a few subtle references to unrevealed elements within your story universe in the beginning but I didn't understand any of these references initially without reading through the whole script multiple times.
There needs to be a clear image for your reader right from the very first piece of description/dialogue. As a reader, I'm thinking: who is Emily? What is her purpose? What is her relationship to Leon? Who is Leon? What is his purpose? I had no idea initially who these people were.
That said, I don't think you need to reveal all in the opening few pages but I think it is important to give the reader a clear image of the character/s if the reader is to become invested in your story. Your reader needs something - a situation/interesting set of circumstances/exchange of dialogue - which is immediately relatable to the reader even if they don't know where your story is going.
I understood what was happening in each scene from page 7 onwards, these pages were easier to understand. However, I found I had to read through all 10 pages again before I could fully understand the entire script. Having read all 10 pages I can see that you have an interesting story, I think there is strong potential for good conflict with this idea.
My main focus for feedback:
Do you have a clear conflict? - potentially yes but would work better if narrative was clearer;
Does my main character have a character arc? Are my characters compelling?
The main character is a 'has been' superhero and disgraced for not saving a famous politician? A bit like Hancock (Will Smith superhero movie)? The arc I assume is for him to gain back his credibility and confidence as a superhero? Emily? I'm not sure where she's going after being sacked but there is clear potential for an interesting arc here too. And Steven? He aspires to be a great superhero not just a one-hit-wonder who is forgotten about within the next 5 minutes? Lots of potential for an interesting arc there.
I am trying to get rid and cut dialogue to make the script tighter - how can I accomplish this?
For me, I would say you need MORE detail in your description (not necessarily more description but more descriptive description!)
My idea to include flashbacks was inspired by when heist films outline the 'plan' and show a failed attempt with a voiceover but I feel like the way I have written these scenes are clunky, any advice?
Flashbacks are a great way to make your story feel more dynamic and visually interesting - I wasn't too keen with the way you cut back and forth between the present and flashbacks but I could see what you were going for here. Again, it's all in the description - tell a strong compelling story with clear efficient use of description; I don't think there are any hard and fast rules regarding use of flashbacks but just be aware that overuse of flashbacks can make your narrative very messy.
My main hope was to make this a chamber film, do you think this has succeeded?
I've no idea what a chamber film is but you've made a great start. Good luck and keep writing!
Thank you for taking your time to give me feedback.
A Chamber Film from what I gather is one location, and minimal characters. Scrawlx, with all the flashbacks, this is not that imho.
Points to note:
This reads as if the characters are already established and we know them, which we don't. It reads as an episode of an already established series.
You appear to be describing the fallout from your Superhero's failed mission and now effectively he is ostracized facing derision etc.
I notice in this script and with your clone script that characters randomly go off to the bathroom, drink water, sit, stand, without much motivation to do so.
Said this before: get out of the habit of writing 'is sat'.
Description of scene setups is needed e.g. location. We start we a house and in the kitchen. Where are we? City apartment, country cottage, wealthy, poor, high tech?
If you have characters that are basically talking heads and your script is essentially dialogue driven that dialogue needs to be completely immersive and original and snappy, and/or really funny. Study the dialogue masters: Mamet, Sorkin, Allen, Cody, Ephron - to name some.
If you're keeping your flashback scenes think of using a pivotal flashback scene in your opening to grab your audience - perhaps at the point Leon reads: I hope the Crimson Red burns to death... then give us that Flashback/Action scene. You're waiting too long.
At the moment, honestly, this reads as a too rambling debriefing after an event for your main character; a naval gazing narrative, but without a riveting enough context.
Scripts are all about 'story'. You know your story but it's not coming alive on the page at the moment.
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to give me feedback.
A quick question: regarding the need for more context and the short seeming like an established episode - I thought that because of time constraints things like background knowledge are not essential to the story and waste too much time in the inciting incident or am I wrong in this line o thinking? Would that not come across as being exposition heavy?
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to give me feedback.
A quick question: regarding the need for more context and the short seeming like an established episode - I thought that because of time constraints things like background knowledge are not essential to the story and waste too much time in the inciting incident or am I wrong in this line o thinking? Would that not come across as being exposition heavy?
Also, what is a clone script?
It's true, you don't have as much time with a Short script so you need to get to the crux of story and character via shorthand methods and clever exposition.
Btw, where would you say your inciting incident is in this script?
Re Your clone Script: that was the other one I read and commented on - Love Lost (SciFi.)
I highly recommend you read Short scripts on this site and watch short films. The interesting thing about these Award winning films (below) is that the stories are told with very little (if any) dialogue.
I personally don't think the technical questions you're asking people to comment on in all of your WIP threads are helping you develop as a writer.
Story is key.
With that in mind I think questions to ask yourself might be more helpful in the vein of:
Do my stories and characters and situations leave a lasting impression? Is my script /story memorable, thought provoking, entertaining? Do I think it will make an audience laugh, cry? In other words do the characters strike an emotional chord? Would I watch this film and be entertained?
I see all these WIP threads you put up and I'm left thinking please complete one draft of a story, post it to Don to the site, and get solid feedback and a general consensus from the SS community. That's where and how you'll develop story telling skills, and how we all do.
Just my thoughts. I hope you take this in the spirit intended. I also hope you'll read and watch the links provided.
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Super - 10 Pages - Drama
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