Just something I whipped up a few months back that I'm returning it. It's an attempt to take a pilot I wrote last year - at least partially in premise - and turn it into a feature, and include a character from another feature I whom I enjoyed writing.

The logline may be: "After the corpses of unidentifiable children begin appearing there, a trouble detective is forced to return to her hometown and confront her own family's role in the mysterious crimes."

Link to opening 20 pages or so: https://www.dropbox.com/s/h8kynf7h3ll0cnx/_%20%28Default%20Branch%29%20%282%29.pdf?dl=0

Would love thoughts - I'm having trouble converting some of the pilot's premises into the confines of the new concept.

Page 2 - typo "Davis"

Otherwise - this was a pretty good read. Enjoyed it.

Liked that start - The introduction to David is a hard read but in a good way. Makes him interesting, right off the bat.

I'm also keenly on board with Martha, she's coming across as really complex. This seeming self-deprecating vulnerability she carries would make me root for her and therefore enjoy watching her.

I would say though, that I didn't quite grasp her when she was first introduced - 'severe but put-together', I couldn't quite get what you mean there. In the story, she seems straight talking but troubled and vulnerable. And you also showed a caring side to her with the street worker.

I think maybe, that Martha should show something off-beat or defining on that airplane. I think it would make the following conversations with Remi and Frederick more interesting because we would know that little bit more about her.  Well, that's just my opinion.

This is good, would be engaged to read the rest when you're done.

Cheers