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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Wrong Guy Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Wrong Guy  (currently 2557 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Wrong Guy by Roger Smith - Short, Action, Comedy - A young man is mistaken for a contract killer who happened to murder the son ao a mafia boss. 15 pages - pdf, format


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tomson
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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I have three people in mind as possible writers for this one.

Format of course was good, but I found a couple of typo's.
I won't bother to mention them.

I must be getting really old, because like Chris, JesusFreak, Landon would say "there's a lot of language here. I'm glad I'm not a guy, I could never talk like that.

SPOILERS:

What a shame about the nice couch. Funny how they talk about that though rather than the fact that she was a guy and was killed too.

Megan and Thomas were funny. In this university town where I live, places like the Veggie Shack are plenty and the people just like them as well. I like how they are activists for just about everything. The tofu and bicycle reference was good too.

"Goodness Gracious!" What a whimp, still easier to read though than those rough Italians.

Too bad Megan had to die, I felt that wasn't really necessary.

Loud and liquidy flatulence, gross, but funny!

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, poor Thomas!

You had me fooled all the way up until the ending.

Great job.

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James McClung
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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This was a decent read but I think it could have been better. With the exception of the guy shitting his pants, there wasn't really enough comedy in this. There was some but most of it was subtle and dry. Without the IBS bit, this could've worked as a crime script. With it, it's just kind of a well written misstep. Anyway, good job, regardless of genre.


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Kevan
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, great title page from Final Draft, but me thinks you did this on purpose from being discovered... Clever..

Page #3 - I've never heard "you don't have to get all *unty on me" before, funny line that even though a bit naughty..

Excellent Italian gangster dialogue, aggressive, offensive and funny too!! Ha!

Hey, the bitch a with hardon is funny.. I liked that.. Ha..

Anti Gun Rally, make the world a safer place, ha, yeah, who from! Hehe.. LOL!!

"loud and liquidly" - oh my dear God! Yuk!

Page #14 typo:

both me

Think you mean:

both men

Good story this as the gay hitman in hiding with Irritable bowel syndrome, well funny..

I enjoyed reading this and the outrageous "fucking" stuff spoken by the gooks, spot on the money and very funny..

Where's the line "why are they always shooting at me?

Apart from that goof, the formatting was ok, well done..
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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This writer has a warped idea of comedy. Some of the language between the gangsters made me feel unladylike for reading it -- ahahaha. That language would make Al Pacino blush.

The first 6 pages was a drama -  a crime drama. As a comedy, well…

As a crime drama, it’s actually quite good. Aside from the harshness of the guys’ banter, which reminded me full well why men and women should sometimes not mix, it was really good.

Then came the comedy…it was a bit spotty. Sometimes Thomas was such a wimp that it was overboard. But some of it was quite funny.

The ending was a bit Usual Suspects-ish. That’s not a bad thing.

Actually, I think this one would actually be better without the comedy. But it was entertaining nonetheless.




Revision History (1 edits)
Breanne Mattson  -  June 8th, 2006, 1:38pm
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George Willson
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Well, on the surface it fit the theme just fine and it had a decent narrative, a mildly amusing storyline, and nice twist at the end.

On the other hand, it wasn't that funny. It had a couple of situations that were amusing, but nothing laugh out loud funny. For a few pages, it felt like I was watching Layer Cake with the 'F' word in every single line of dialogue. I actually think this was the only "humor" injected in this scene was the profanity, and that's not that funny.

Thomas has IBS and it kicks in. Kind of humorous, but more of a fart joke that loses its thunder quickly (ha-ha thunder).

The conversation between Thomas and Megan was amusing in what they were discussing being an extreme stereotype. Of course, for this scene, I was hoping for a break from all the profanity in the last scene so that was refreshing as well. This scene was not bad and had its moments.

There was some goofiness to be had here, but overall, not much of a comedy. From a dramatic standpoint, it had its moments, but since it had some goofiness to it, the dramatic moments were kind of spoiled. It tried hard, but ultimately fell short. However, I will give you the twist at the end. That was well hidden and had me fooled. Good job there.


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dogglebe
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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I'm one of the people here who wondered if you wrote this as a dramatic piece, rather than a comedy.  I didn't see anything funny until the script was more than halfway over.

I found the dialogue to be a little too on-the-nose.  Gianni talking to his men on page five was a good example of this.  Also, you should try to avoid writing such long pieces without breaking it up with something.  Another problem with the dialogue was that it was forced and artificial.  'Goodness gracious?'

I had a problem with the two goons finding Thomas in the restaurant.  The odds of them finding him so quickly was a little annoying.  This is especially based solely on a police sketch artist's drawing.  Those things aren't known for their accuracy.

And then you reduced it all to a series of fart jokes....

This is the first of the scripts I've read from the one week thing.  It might end up being my least favorite.


Phil
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greg
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Ya know, I did like this script to a certain extent but I feel it could have been much better.  There wasn't much comedy in this except for the IBS thing, but I think your use of strong language is what at least kept me interested throughout the piece.  The characters, though, were dull.  It was just 4 Al Pacinos here.  I couldn't tell the 4 mafia guys apart from each other!  

I liked the IBS thing to an extent as well.  At first it was funny, but a couple farts later it was like "ookay."  When he got into Gianni's office it was funny again.  The thing about fart jokes is that you don't want to overuse them in such a short amount of time.  But I laughed.  I did.  Plus the shitting himself was probably for disguise so he could finish off Michael and Gianni and the gang.  I laughed at some of the excessive use of language, but I can't say this was a comedy.

So, you know, I'm kinda strapped both directions on this one.  I'll just end this review by saying good job you got some laughs out of me.


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Takeshi
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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This was the last of many scripts I read today, so I'm feeling a little reviewed out. But I enjoyed this one; the banter between the gangsters was great. My favorite exchange was the one they had before going into the vegetarian joint, that was gold. They reminded me of the gangsters from Ghost Dog, very funny, yet realistic.

SPOILERS

The unexpected ending was great, Thomas' request for a steak before revealing he was in fact the killer was a slick way to top off a solid script. I look forward to discussing this with you in greater depth, once the competition is over. Well done. 8/10  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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I think this is the last one for me to read in this exercise thingy.
Like Greg, I couldn't tell the gangster characters apart.
The IBS was funny though, and I did like the ending.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Mr.Z
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Some bits I liked and others not, but overall it was a good read.

Not much comedy during the first pages. This kicked in at page 4 for me; Michael's story was funny and told in a very funny way. I really liked how this bastards discussed about the ruined couch without asking any questions about the body.

I'm not keen on fart humour, so I didn't enjoy the chase scene. But it didn't bother me either.

Frankie/Joey's dialogue in page 13/14 was funny as hell, altough I found a bit unbelievable that they shot the crap out of each other. A little bit exaggerated IMO, even for a comedy piece.

I enjoyed this one, good job.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Yup, I'm the foul mouthed little shit who wrote this , thank you everyone for reading and comenting on this, I know this wasn't very funny, I have never written comedy before and this was quite a challenge, plus I had like just over 2 hrs to do it before the deadline, so I couldn' t proof read it and there were several grammer errors , I think I could have won an award for most grammer errors in a script.  I'm glad that most of you were able to find something that you liked out of it, I know some really didn't like it though, but I guess that just helps me to get better.  Thanks again everyone


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Kevan
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Yup, I'm the foul mouthed little shit who wrote this


Yep, you are Jordan you naughty boy!

Seriously, you did a good job, man!

Like I said in my original post, very funny.. You did good..

Keep up the good work..


Kev
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tomson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Consider me impressed!

I really thought this was written by someone older and more experienced.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Tomson and Kevan


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