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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  I Am Not Your Girl (was Silent Maids' Rebellion) Moderators: bert
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  Author    I Am Not Your Girl (was Silent Maids' Rebellion)  (currently 3012 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Am Not Your Girl by Max Alexander Malloy  - Drama - Cruel white women denigrate their maids and ignite a national racial revolt. 102 pages - doc, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  June 21st, 2010, 4:32pm
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dogglebe
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Max, have you read anyone's comments from your earlier script 'Clipping the Wings of our White Masters?'

Do you visit the boards at all?


Phil
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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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oh my oh my oh my sweet lord Jesus.  Did someone put this up as a joke?  This can't be serious.  What could possibly go through someone's head to think that this is a good story, it felt like the writer was mocking the whole human race, but I only got 10 pages in before I stopped.  it was funny, but not the cabin or horror house funny.


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dogglebe
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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I strongly feel that everyone should read this script, though it for all the wrong reasons.  Reading it is like reading something that Ed Wood would�ve written, had he been a racist man from the Bronx.

Let's start with the formatting and scriptwriting.

Too often in this script, author Max Malloy includes direction that cannot be recorded by the camera.  Examples of this include referring to characters as 'evil slave owners' and introducing Secretary Turner as 'a supposedly wealthy white guy.'

On page 31, the author wrote, �She hates Madam Glen�s snobbish tone and hates being called � girl.�

On page 36, a background character is described as �a large white lesbian police officer.�  This character is mentioned once; she has no dialogue, but she�s described as a white lesbian police officer.

On page 93, the author introduced a character as �POMMA�s Secret Agent, Jane Pierce.�

How does the camera record all these descriptions?  To put it in a nutshell:  you can�t.  While physical appearances can be described, you can�t describe what people think or what they are like this way.  You have to describe them through actions.  If you describe a character as lesbian, do something with her that makes her a lesbian.


Another problem is that, all too often, direction is summarized:

Page 6:  �Then he strolls into the bedroom and sends his wife, Ann, on a bogus shopping spree.  Ann prepares to exit.�

Page 18:  �The grief-stricken women sit on the sofa in deafening silence. Several minutes elapse.�  (this is one of my favorites.  I�d love to go to a movie and watch several minutes of people sitting in silence).


Characterization�.

In a nutshell, there was any.  All white characters were evil and bigoted and all black characters were strong, brave fighters in the crusade.  All the white characters were exactly alike.  They were adamantly prejudice, simple and buffoons.  You couldn�t tell them apart by how they spoke.  All black characters were heroic and failed in using big words.  You couldn�t tell them apart by how they spoke.


Dialogue�.

Forced.  Artificial.  On the nose.  Over the top.  Examples are as follows:

Page 6, Max says:  �I want to introduce you to three black women who�ve slaved many years in the beastly dungeon of domestic service.�

Page 85, Miz Ann Norton says, �You know we white women of America can�t adequately manage and clean our homes.  We�re not crafty and durable enough to perform such domestic labor.�  (I laughed so hard at this one).

Page 91, Paula says, �Look, we call our panacea: �DARP� (Dissolve All racial Prejudices).�  How does a character say something in parentheses?

Page 114, Buffy says, �As you all know, he�s totally responsible for the retraining and reeducation of our sisters in their new leases on life.�

The entire script is filled with forced and unnatural dialogue.  And it never works here.  It reads like you ran the dialogue through Babel fish software and this was the end result.  People rarely talk in full sentences and big words rarely flow that much from someone�s mouth�  Especially a bunch of housekeepers.

If you want to learn dialogue, secretly tape record your friends talking.  Then transcribe it word for word on paper.  Read it carefully.  That�s how people talk, with incomplete sentences and pauses.


The story�.

In the year 2020, black housekeepers all over the country go on strike after one is raped and beaten by (who else) her evil white boss.  The oafish government, run entirely by female white supremacists, just sits back and watches and bitch that their kitchen floors aren�t being scrubbed.

Two bio-chemists (and former children in the care of one such housekeeper) have the solution to the world�s racism.  Pills called DARPs that eliminate bigotry in whoever takes them (they were mixed in all the white women�s drinks by POMMA�s secret weapons, black female housekeepers).

The president, vice-president, and other leading government leaders all retire after taking the DARPS.  When President Ann Quinton is drugged, she proclaims:  �I resign my status as President of these United States of America! Thank you, Jesus, because you�ve just signed my personal emancipation proclamation, which exonerates me from my constricted perspective of racial ignorance and dangerous xenophobia!

President Pro Tempore Ann Kildare proclaims, �My black maid was just let go, because I finally realized slavery is no longer in vogue. I'�ve converted to Christianity and the domain of corrupt politic has no vacancies for me.�

You can�t make this shit up�  Well, most of us can�t.

I can�t feel sympathy for the housekeepers in this story.  Rather than quit their miserable jobs, one pours urine in her boss� dinner.  Another quits her job after taking her boss� food shopping money.    Another beats her boss senseless.  Here�s a hint:  if your boss is a miserable pain in the ass, you QUIT YOUR JOB!

I don�t think that chemically lobotomizing people without their consent is the act of good people.

Repeating parts of the story over and over is lousy storytelling.  The script started with the same scene repeated three times.  THREE TIMES!  There are other parts of the script where this same cut and paste work is done.

The story is filled with story problems, inconsistencies and general screw ups.  So many things are just so wrong and unrealistic, there�s not enough room here to list them.


And in conclusion, the theme of bigotry runs rampant through this story.  A page doesn'�t turn without a white person using racial slurs or other insults.  Despite all this, the most racist thing about this script is the writer, Max Alexander Malloy.  He used very broad strokes in painting everyone (white=evil; black=goodl).  To make matter worse, his vision of the future includes all black women being nothing more than maids.  I guess he thinks they can�t do anything else.

Again, I think everyone should read this script and see all the problems that I�m talking about.  It�ll help you from repeating similar mistakes in your writing.


Phil

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 8th, 2010, 9:42pm
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Heretic
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Max,

Are you available to receive comments?  I have many.


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dogglebe
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Post your comments.  I was thinking of contacting him in a week or two.  Let him come in and see what people thought.

It's also good to let people understand what a problematic script looks like.

Phil
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: May 19th, 2006, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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People like Max here make me want to smack my head. It seems like he's become so convinced about how absolutely evil white people are, that he himself has become a racist.

If you want to make a drama based around racism, make sure it is not in itself a racist peice of work. American History X is a movie that approached the subject well.
Max, you seem so intent on focusing on racism in you scripts. In a rather biased and racist ways. From reading you're scripts you have an us against them mentality.

You're not making a great statement. You're perpetuating racism. You've turned your white characters into stereotypes. And this is just sad. Sad that you've invested so much time in this abysmal script.

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Chris_MacGuffin  -  April 26th, 2011, 7:56pm
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dogglebe
Posted: May 20th, 2006, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin
If you want to make a drama based around racism, make sure it is not in itself a racist peice of work.


He should also make sure that it's not so awful that it's funny.

I gave my copy of this script to my wife, telling her to read the first four pages.  She groaned through the but kept reading.  She finished reading it.



Phil
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rooney
Posted: May 21st, 2006, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Everybody wave your arms like this.

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It seems people at this site are gluttons for punishment.  I am no exception.  I read the first eight pages of this monster, and man oh man.  

This author simply has no grasp on the real dynamics of race relations in current times, or a sense of how people interact in the world.

I also particularly enjoyed the sort of biblically inspired dialogue.  "Oh lord, oh lord."  

Man, this milk is spoiled.  You should taste it too.


Bringing nothing to the table since 1977.




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dogglebe
Posted: May 21st, 2006, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Keep reading, Rooney.  It's only the tip of the iceberg.


Phil
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dogglebe
Posted: June 20th, 2010, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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This is a reposting of Silent Maid's Rebellion that Malloy posted back in 2006.  You will laugh so hard reading this script because it is so poorly written and filled the author's deep hatred for white people.

This script, as well as Malloy's other scripts here, are worth reading as a lesson in how to not write a script.


Enjoy!


Phil
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jayrex
Posted: June 20th, 2010, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I remember reading the last posts last time.  I search the guy's name and read some of his other stuff.

The guy is a racist nut stuck in the 16th century.

So bad it's funny.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 26th, 2010, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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I read one of his scripts a while ago, well only part of it.

I don't like all this black white crap.

The same goes for comedians who pull the race card as a way to get laughs. They just make me sick. They're not funny at all.

Come on, there's equal rights now a days. Open your eyes. Look around. Get a clue. Life's too short to be run by hate.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 26th, 2010, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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This is comedy gold! Is this a play? Why are characters speaking to the audience all the time? "Oh lord, oh lord!"

The characters are too stereotypical for my liking. Sorry.


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dogglebe
Posted: June 26th, 2010, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately, Max doesn't visit the boards, except to post his scripts. I even tried writing to him, once, to let him know that someone (me) read a script of his.  He never got back to me.


Phil
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