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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  God's Nursery Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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God's Nursery by Spencer McDonald - Short, Drama - A Mother struggles to face the worst pain a mother could ever endure. (7 pages) - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 27th, 2007, 3:12pm
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darthbrion
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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that was a great short.  No one should have to bury their children.  Not much to add other than it was a well told story and I enjoyed reading it.
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bert
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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I truly hope you are not drawing from your own experiences with this one, as it seems to spring from a very personal place.  This works as a socially conscious piece, with very few problems in the narrative, but I'll toss out a few technical things I might change:

*  The FG and BG notations are not necessary, and you use them a couple of times.  They are more distracting than anything, and the images you have drawn read perfectly fine without them.
*  You should tell us that Azriel is the one rubbing her belly.  A moment of confusion there.  And Brandon's dialogue after this revelation is a bit corny.  I've singled this out because it is really the only patch of dialogue that rang false.  I would give him something better to say there.
*  The slug "Just after 3AM" is not necessary.  We've already established our timeframes.  Same thing with "After 4AM".  Just let the events flow naturally.  Don't pull us out of the story by supplying these details -- they are immediately intuitive to the reader.
*  Azriel's final V.O. appears to be cut short.  It needs an ellipse (...) if nothing else, but it actually reads like you intended for there to be more.
*  The final SUPER might go on a bit long for my tastes.  But I see what you are going for, and it isn't really inappropriate either.  Just tossing that out there.

As a final note, I am wondering if this piece is making some statement about the dangers associated with vaccination, which are actually quite minimal -- the benefits far exceeding any risks -- with death being the most remote risk of all.

If that is your intent, I will certainly not argue the point.  But if that is not your intent, I want to let you know that you seem to be implying that the vaccination was the cause of death -- so you might consider dropping that detail about the shot during the child's checkup.

You have chosen perhaps the saddest topic one might choose to write about, and you handled it with respect and dignity.  Raising awareness is commendable, but instead of relating numerous statistics with the final crawl, you might consider incorporating some of the recommendations out there for preventing this tragedy.  In any case, I suspect you have achieved what you set out to do with this piece.  It is well-written and moving in its own way.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  July 25th, 2006, 9:16am
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spencerforhire
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Bert

This story does not ring from a personal experience. I know of someone who suffered do to the loss of a child to SIDS.

I really wanted to write something that was touching and not just write things I am stronger at like comedy noir. It was a stretch exercise for me.

I made couple of referrences related to possiblities of SIDS deaths. The vaccination being one and the other suffication. You can see this when you see the baby face down under the blanket. I didn't really want it to point just to the vaccination. I could drop the dpt thing but some people believe it is a possibility of how SIDS happens.

And I liked your take on the SUPER at the end. Yes it could be more positive and share some things that may help prevent SIDS related deaths.

Thanks for your read and comments... as always, they are appreciated.

Spencer McDonald


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michel
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Very touching story. Some formatting problem, but no big deal.

It's true that SIDS scares the hell out of every parents, including myself, and I couldn't help thinking of my little boy.

Nice title

Michel


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spencerforhire
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Michel

Thank you for reading my short.

Could you elaborate on the formatting issues. I really want to learn to make my writing its absolute best.

Spencer McDonald


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michel
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Spencer, it was no big deal that's why I didn't insist on it.

- the FG & BG notations are useless
- on the fourth sequence, you should indicate that is a flashback. I was a bit confused about it
- the parenthical should be a bit "spaced" from the dialogs lines
- I would avoid the"..." and replace them by "--"
- on page 4 "reaity" should be "reality"

That's what I meant. I'm not a lesson teller, but you asked me.

Hope it'd be useful

Michel


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Spencer, I have to say that this is one very powerful story.  It's the kind of story that makes you want to hold you children just to tell them you love them because you never know what tomorrow might bring.

I would mention some of the problems with the script, which is minimal at best.  But I feel that the overall tone and messege of this short overshadows all the problems.  I was so engrossed in the story that I really didn't care if I saw a typo or a formatting problem.  From me, that is a very high compliment.

Great job.

J.T.


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James McClung
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very solid read, Spencer. Very sad but it raises awareness very well without being pretentious or overblown. I usually don't care for people telling me what to think or what I need to worry about but I think that wasn't the case with this one. I actually had know idea what SIDS was before reading this. I think this is one of the few scripts I've read here where I've felt I've learned something.

Good job with this one, Spencer. I think you're a very talented writer with a wide range of abilities. Every script I've read from you has been different and I look forward to reading more of them. Keep up the good work.


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dmackbone21
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Spencer,

This is a sad story and while I was reading it, I thought it may have been from personal experience. Good thing it was not.

You may want to refresh your dialogue as it is quite stale, especially around the dinner table. "Your going to be a mommy"-pretty corny. Also, I'm not sure if I would double space each line. The story looks to broken up!

Just my thoughts, best of luck!

Doug
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God of Thunder
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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It was a well writen story and kept me reading. I thought it was sad and very interesting to think about. All and all. 8 out of 10 stars.


My Scripts:
The Threat (Action/Drama) (Short)

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Ike
Posted: January 27th, 2007, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Spencer,

This is quite good, especially considering what you said about this being a strech excersize. I too prefer comedy and find my dramas to be wildly sappy, and pretty boring, but this was none of that. The emotion was there, and the dramatic juxtaposition of funeral and the life (the flashbacks) works very well.

I thought the voice over was the strongest aspect, but I was left wondering: is Azriel's final line suposed to be Voice over or not? Also, I thought the flashbacks, especially the final one with the paramedics could use voice over too. That scene is th eclimax , even thought the funeral is the main section of the story. To get into Azriel's head right at that moment could be very powerful and emotional. Just a thought.

Very good work,

-RH


Read my shorts if you want to:

A Platonic Conversation about Chairs - Comedy

Moving On - Drama

The Slow Clap  - Comedy


And my feature:

Rosebud - Comedy (coming soon)
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 28th, 2007, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Sad, yes. You write so well, Spencer, and I admit, this was a very depressing story because it seemed so real. The ending was the most dramatic part, I think, when they finally see the body in the casket, and how Azriel said that only memories are left along with an empty crib.

I like how you jump back and forth through time, from the cemetery to Azriel being pregnant and back to the cemetery.

Great job.

Sean


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alffy
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Spencer

Well you did a good job cos I'm now really down.  Very moving.

One question, you say firefighters are present at the time of Ben's death, is this normal in America?  I doubt if they would be on scene in England.

My only negative point is why you wrote it, were you feeling emotionally low or something and wanted evryone else to suffer lol.

A side note, when I began reading I paniced slightly when I noticed a Cemetery Scene and a character named Azriel, why?  Because a feature I've been writing for months starts in a Cemetery and the main antaganist is named Azrael.  spooky lol.
depressing but good stuff.


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alffy  -  January 29th, 2007, 4:49pm
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spencerforhire
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffey, thanks for reading and reviewing. I wanted to write something powerful and different than most of my stuff. This script has been redone a bit. During 2007 it is my goal to give this script legs either through contests or by having it produced by someone for a film festival. Sorry my character was so closely related to yours. And the bit about people dying when the paramedics are on scene does happen in America.

Spencer


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