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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Zombie Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zombie by Daniel Robinson/Michelle Ogborn - Short, Comedy - Darrell doesn't believe in zombies or ghosts and when two teenagers get blamed by Darrell for digging holes in the cemetery, Darrell throws them into his basement and calls the police, not knowing that twenty or so zombies are in his basement. When the police arrive things tend to get zanny. 10 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  August 29th, 2006, 6:23pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Well I'm glad that I was able to read a script that was suited for me. Now, Dan, I must say, you like writing shorts don't you?

Well, at least this one was more proof read than the last ones I've read. I have a few questions though:

>> When Officer Bryan hears gunshots, wouldn't he be asking Darrell "What is going on down there?" or "Is there something you aren't telling me?" and might even handcuff Darrell for the most part.

>> Your dialogue is still a little weak, but better than the last ones. You've improved.

>> Zombies hate heat? Haha that's a new rule that I'll add to my "Zombie Facts" list. But hey, do whatever the hell you want.

>> You should describe more instead of writing short sentences. Sometimes we want to know what everything looks like for the most part.

I think that is it, and if I missed anything, someone my find out. You have repeated a few things, though, like

"They walk over to the cellar door. They go to open it when they see the zombies.

FRANK
We have to get out of here.

They open the cellar door and the zombies jump on them, the cellar door closes."

Sean "the sadist"


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darthbrion
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm seriously troubled.....

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I, oddly liked this.

Sure there were some cringe worthy dialogue here and there and a policeman isn't going to ask a civilian to "go grab a gun from the car" but who cares?  It was a zombie short, not Shakespeare.

Better than a lot of your other stuff dude.

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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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I thought you guys might like this one.

Thanks, I took your advices.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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michel
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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I just read your script. Nice but problems remain in my head.

Who's Darrell for the two kids? Are they related? Why are they in his house?

How could Darrell grab both the two kids (15 & 14) and lead them to the cellar? He should be very strong.

Michel


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hey Mike,

Darrell is their older friend, He is strong but I guess I forgot to add that. lol

Thanks for the comments.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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