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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Untitled Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Untitled by Brian Latimer (sweatshop) - Short, Thriller - Several late night phone calls. A voice that seems familiar and a dream that becomes reality. 10 pages - pdf, format


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sweatshop333
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hello All-

Hope you enjoy reading the script. It is my first attempt at writing so be nice.
I am looking for any input and or suggestions and help with a title. Enjoi!

Brian Latimer
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Higgonaitor
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Even if you cant think of a really good one, just give it a title for the time being.  People tend to gravitate away from untitled scripts.

Anyway, I read it for you, and I have a few tips.  Apparently you are not supposed to use the cut-to's in these scripts, for it is against the format and distracts or something, perhaps someone else can tell you more.

SPOILERS

The story was good, I think.  Thats a cool dream to reality thing that worked out well.  My only problem with your story is when he dropped his glass, I thought that was a bit much.

As for a possible title, perhaps: "Wake up Call", or something.  That was the best I could come up with.

good luck.


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michel
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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Confusing story. Not badly written excpet those many CUT TO:
The transition between Andrew's apartment and the room where the woman is, is not very clear.

Am I the only one not getting what's happening at the end?

Michel


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alffy
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Just read your short and it was quite good.

For some reason though I kept getting the image of the FooFighters video 'Everlong' which has a similar dream and phone ringing.

I agree with Michel that the ending isn't too clear but it is an enjoyable read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Chilli
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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Kirk to... Spock, please... warp factor... five!

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I dug what it was trying to do, but how it did it...

The formatting seemed off. When a character speaks, any (TO HIMSELF) style descriptions go beneath the character name, and above dialogue. There were a few occassions where the woman would speak, and then you'd have a space... but no text... and she'd resume speaking.

Just out of curiousity - what did you use to format it?

Like I said, the theory behind it's good. The ending too. But the formatting needs tightening up before people really resonate with it.
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sweatshop333
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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I have had alot of people ask me about the formatting. I used Final Draft to do the screenplay. It also the first thing I have ever written so the format will definitely be in question. Glad you liked the story. I have received some good constructive criticism on the short and hopefully the rewrite will be much better. Thanx for reading it.

BL-
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