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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  ›  Diplopia Moderators: OWC
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OWC
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Diplopia by Seth Hamilton (seth)  (OWC name - Shonagar)  - Short, Thriller - A young Cajun boy, cursed with supernatural powers, must make a decision. One that might blind him to the reality that is around him.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format


The One Week Challenge

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Don  -  August 18th, 2007, 3:39pm
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chism
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, this was an odd little short. The dialog was well-written, the writer here managed to capture a great dialect between the characters. As for the story, well I was kind of confused in places, especially towards the end about which characters where who and if they were really even there, and then it kind of just ends. Nothing wrong with leaving us hanging, but I had to go back and reread to make sure I had understood the ending properly. And now that I have, I think the last three or four pages need to be calrified a little bit.

Also, there were moments where the writer used abbreviations in their description. This isn't a good idea. Abbreviating is fine in dialog, at least it is for me, but try and keep the action descriptions a little more formal. Just a minor quibble. Anyway, this read went by pretty fast, and with a little cleaning up, it could be a pretty good short.


Matt.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue in this one was great, and the names...well, I don't really want to think about how you came up with them. That's not a bad thing, though, I actually liked the names.


The story was...interesting. I have a feeling that maybe Boo has sort of a sixth sense and can see dead people, like The Sixth Sense movie, but I'm probably wrong. I was confused at some points and I didn't know who was who and what was what, and the whole idea with Boo being able to see water and stuff was weird.


Though for some reason I can't get over the dialogue. It was really well-written. Haha, I don't know, I guess it's the fact that it sounds realistic, I guess. Your descriptions were really well-written also.


Good job

Sean


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GM
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Shonagar,

This was a well-written script. Great dialgoue; the characters felt alive. I wasn't cofused not one bit. I loved the chilling ending. Nothing much to say, except for a good job.  

Gabe
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Dethan
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Reminds me of a story I read...

But that is probably a good thing.  Great minds think a like (that and it is near impossible to come up with an idea that doesn't sound like somethin I read).  It has a nice texture.  Dialog is a good approximation.

Is the old man Nock or Knock?  Choose one.  Or is this an elaborate nock knock joke (har har)?

Figured out the father early - so it didn't really surprise or thrill (like I said, it reminded me of somethin).  Anyway, over all a good effort.  You kept a good atmosphere.


  


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movemycheese
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Very good story.

It's suspenseful right from the start. Nice touch with the wading boots sequence.

The dialogue is simply great. Characters are well done, same goes for the descriptions.

The father 'twist' is not really a surprise, but that's not a bad thing.

Best one I have read so far. Good job.
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sniper
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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By far the best one yet.

This was weird but in a good way. I really liked that cajun tongue, looked good, read good.

"I is your daddy". Creepy!!!

I didn't quite get what (I got most of it) this was about but it was very interesting. The writing was good and the pace was excellent.

Good job.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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mcornetto
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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I liked this.  The characters were well-drawn, the plot was elusive at times, but it was definitely there.  There was lots of atmosphere.  The dialogue was good, though at times it made me laugh - that kind of took me out of the story a couple of times.  I did think there could have been more suspense at the start, but there was just enough tension to keep my attention (and that's all you really need to do).  Well done!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Premise: 8/10

Really interesting concept with the "eyes that see" . I enjoyed it.

Relation to Theme: 5/10

The plots kind of independent from the houseboat. It seems to be more about the dry river than the boat. More of a mystery than a thriller

Story 8/10

There were some questions I would like to have seen answered. I would have liked to have known what grandpa wanted with his son. If we were introduced to him earlier we would get more of a sense of impending disaster.

It's the most solid story of these I've read so far though.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  August 8th, 2007, 7:23am
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ZiggyplayedGuitar
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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I is your daddy, lol. The dialouge was good, but I'm still bit confused I did get into the story though.


-Have you ever transcended space and time?

-Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about
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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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This is my second "assigned" read, but I would have read this either way.  I liked this one a lot, The Cajun Dialogue was well done, the setting worked well, it was also very creepy, a story about incest...hmmmmm, have I read one about before..hehehe  

The boat wasn't really used that much, but it was there, and this was a thriller so it did fit the challenge I guess.

This was very well writer, but sometimes "NOCK" changed  to "KNOCK" through out the script.

Good job.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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It's not Cajun, it sounds more to me like rural african american from back in the day. Liked the reference to Tituba (Salem Witch Trials). Black magic's more of a Creole thing, not Cajun. and again Creole borrows heavily from french. Mash up of the Sixth Sense and Chinatown. Liked it over all, though.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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ABennettWriter
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Wouldn't Tituba be Mulatto, then?

I think that's the real name for the African/French people.

I thought it was fantastic all around.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting title. And an interesting premise too.

I thought this was pretty good. It had good dialogue and the story was good. I agree with an earlier post that the ending got a bit confusing. T and Knock both just showing up got a bit messy. I don’t have a problem with something being surreal and not telling the reader everything but it did seem to lose its way a little at the end. It was hard to fully appreciate Boo’s situation when it wasn’t clear what exactly his situation was. That left me with a sort of, “Huh?” feeling that spoiled the full effect of the intended chill. But overall, it was really good.

The writing was really good and the story was very original.


Breanne


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medstudent
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Tituba, at a stove, cracks an egg, depositing it into a pan


Not sure about that word, "depositing". Try "drops" or "lets it go". It interrupts the flow.


Quoted Text
He my brother and he dead


Lost me here

Okay, nevermind. Inbreeding... love it! Don't take that the wrong way...

Aw c'mon just a hint of some sort of resolution. Good or bad, it doesn't matter just give us something! I think you either chickened out or ran out of time, perhaps.

Besides the dangling ending, I thought this story was very well developed. Characters were fleshed out. I was a little confused on what Boo saw and when. Maybe a little tightening here. Otherwise pretty darn good...

Just give us a real ending.

Joseph



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