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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Not-a-problem
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  Author    Not-a-problem  (currently 3363 views)
Don
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Not-a-problem by Dan - Short, Comedy - I like your smile. <12 pages - doc, format


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mcornetto
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Cute concept. I liked the whole idea of a satire on the dangers of plastic surgery addiction. I got a couple of good chuckles toward the end.  The one thing I would do to improve this is to give us some idea of who Jimmy was before the operation.

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mcornetto  -  October 6th, 2007, 7:34pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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I thought that this was was pretty funny and the idea was great, it even had a message to it which was nice.  I thought the theme was used in a different way and it worked out quite well, nice to read something different.  This had some good chuckles in it as well, mostly with all the changes Jimmy goes through and what happens to him in the end.  I think you could have ended this when he goes back to the hospital though, to me that would have worked better.  In any case this one succeeded for the challenge so good work.


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zdamort
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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"Is it the head?"  HAHAHA!

I liked this one.  It was consistently humorous throughout(or at least humorous attempts, you know, cuz this is a COMEDY challenge).

I thought it was real good for a 7 pager.  Good work!


  I hope I didn't come off rude!  

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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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This one was funny, and way out there. Aaaah!

I liked the story, there was plenty of comedy, and you met the challenge about carving a pumpkin. LOL

This is one of my favorites so far.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Ian
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Really nice idea. It isn’t the obvious outcome of merging comedy with pumpkin carving, which is good. I mean it doesn’t even revolve around Halloween like a lot of them will; in fact the only mention of it was the doctor’s line – ‘so, well, happy Halloween!’. That line made me laugh too

You induce a few laughs actually, I loved the scene with the old lady not catching on straight away, that was cute and would play really nicely with long awkward silences between the lines. I also liked it when Bill brushing it off with ‘Hardly notice it’. I like how despite the concept being bizarre and extreme, the comedy is subtle and human, pretty cool. And the message about plastic surgery is good; it’s funny how Jimmy’s attitude towards his appearance doesn’t change even though he has a jack o’ lantern for a head. You’d think he’d just give up but provided there are ways to improve he keeps at it. It reminded me of Claudia Schiffer (I think ) in Futurama, when she’s just a head in a jar but still wants to ‘lose a couple of pounds’ lol.

My only gripe is the ending. I think there was definitely the chance to get in one more joke and carry on the idea that no matter what happens he’s going to strive to look the way other people want him to despite the consequences. Now that he has a balloon for a head, how about an ending like:

Girl: ‘I love a guy with a pierced eyebrow’
Jimmy: ‘No problem’

BANG!

Or something like that lol. Anyway, I liked this. You worked the genre and subject into something whacky and unique with a good number of laughs and a meaningful message. And all in just 7 pages! Good job .


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elis
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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First line – my first giggle
A very funny little story. Quite unusual.
A great little fantasy.
Some parts reminded me of Beetlegeuse with the shrunken head, LMAO.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  8/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 8/10


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dslah
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one. Consistently funny and clever.

One thing that bothered me was the "jack-o-(insert)" at the start. Not a big deal, but just got a bit annoying for me.

I could imagine this as an advertisment for something. A guy walking around with a pumpkin head, always trying to look his best.

Good job. 9/10
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BryMo
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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i loved this idea. Him constantly changing to what others like and changes himself with that coin phrase "not a problem". With evrey page that passed, i wanted to know what was going to happen next and how it was going to end. And the ending didn't dissapoint either. One of the best parts for me, going back to the beginning.

I agree with dslah about seeing this as being an adviertisement for something.

Great job.


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Shelton
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Brief reviews here since I'm shooting through these, and just want to let people know that I'm reading.

Good script, I liked the way it flowed and I liked the payoff(s) at the end when his head was pea sized, and you went so far as to give him a high pitched voice, and also with the new head he received.

Nice job.


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Seth
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Another very creative story. My only nit would be the inclusion of camera angles. They're not necessary.

Seth


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Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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What an extremly clever idea!

And you pulled it off to.  It was a good choice to make the whole thing a monatge, that ended up working well.

The only other option which mught be funnier is to make it like a soap opera.  Give him a vixen wife who he's never good enough for.  That could be funny.  Or just leave it the way it is, it's pretty darn good now.


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Death Monkey
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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This writer seems to be in his/her element here. A great concept and a few genuinely funny lines.

You also manage to include a moral of sorts, but without being too overt about it. I liked that.

Your format is a bit off, but your story is great.

My favorite so far.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

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tomson
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good.

Unique take on the challenge.

It was a short script and I think you could have expanded it some by giving us more about him and his past. How he ended up this way or something. Right now he's just trying to make himself look perfect.. I wanted to know why he feels that way.

I didn't like the nurse's line WTF. Doesn't seem a professional nurse would say at work. Regardless of the situation.

Like someone else said, it would be perfect in the end if some hot girl tells him she loves a pierced eyebrow.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Heeeeey Punk,



You got me on the 3rd line with the nurse's reaction to Jimmy's head. I immediately laughed out loud. That's always a good start.

This was a great one, and how everyone is complimenting him or other people, and he continues to cut away. And for some reason, whenever Jimmy yelled "Yeah!" I would always imagine him saying it in sort of a homosexual voice while jumping in the air, and he freezes in midair. And I kept on saying that line out loud for some reason. I just found it funny.

The ending was great. Haha the whole time I was wondering what his head was going to be next, and then I found out. Haha, it looks like he can't do anymore cutting!

Someone said that they wish they could have known more about Jimmy before he got the pumpkin on his head. I think it's better off not knowing who he is and sort of leaving it a mystery. Like, sort of know how his life is going now than before.

Good work.

Sean


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