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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Rules of Man Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 5th, 2008, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Rules of Man: Men and Bathrooms by Chris Landa - Short, Comedy - Steven confronts a drunk and chatty boss at the urinal. Will he talk? Will he obey the third rule of man: Thou Shalt not talk in the bathroom?  3 pages

Filmed version can be seen at TheRulesofMan.tv - pdf, format

The Rules of Man:
Men, Sex and Illegitimate Children
by Chris Landa - Short, Comedy - Patrick finds out he has an illegitimate child. Following the 819th rule of man, Patrick tries to take responsibility and gets more than he bargained for. 4 pages

Filmed version can be seen at TheRulesofMan.tv - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: November 5th, 2008, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Both these scripts read like the opening segments of a sitcom.  They were just snippets of a bigger story and don't really hold their own.

The first one really didn't make much sense.  The logline reminded me of the bathroom scene in Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller and Alec Baldwin.  Your script was just a couple of non-sequitors that ended in the bathroom.

The second script was just so rushed that there was no time to think about it while reading it.

Is there a reason why you're keeping these scripts so short?  Fleshing them out would really help.


Phil
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d.e. jett
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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First line of the script threw me for a loop, which set the tone for the rest of the story "Steve once again wakes up..." - did he wake up a first time? How would we know this?

I don't know, just really confusing... what's the point of your story? I don't feel like the scene was set to begin with, and kind of felt out of sorts from there as we jumped around to different places and times.

I'd maybe work on this one some more.


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Xavier
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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i read the urinal one and thought the ending was funny, you guys should keep up the good work.


Those who believe that they are the best, the most popular, the go to guy, those are usually the ones who need the most help.
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