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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Everquenching Lemonade Moderators: bert
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  Author    Everquenching Lemonade  (currently 3597 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Everquenching Lemonade by Tyler Higgins (higgonaitor) - Short - Bobby is a bright young six year old who invents a lemonade that, once drunk, quenches the drinkers thirst forever, for the cheap price of a nickel. 16 pages - doc, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting this Don, sorry about the confusion.

Hey everyone.  This is a little something I wrote for the TWC, that Tommy and I ended up passing on for the script that would ultimately be submitted.

I thought it turned out nicely and I put a fair chunk of work into it, so i thought I would post it anyway.  thanks in advance for any reads.


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mcornetto
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Well that was very cute story, Tyler.  I especially thought you did a good job with the characters.  I can understand why you didn't enter this on in the TWC because there really wasn't a world food shortage problem - at least not a crisis one.  

The only thing I would maybe suggest is that instead of using John at the end, I think Bobby should be the one that figures out how to close down the stand.  Maybe during another montage after the scene where his mother doesn't give him money for the wii, you can have him reading a law book and then get the idea.

Well done.  I liked it.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tyler, thanks for bringing this to my attention by posting on my exchange thread. I'm really glad you did, because I loved this!

Unfortunately, I have very little to say that mcornetto hasn't said already. The characters were great, the Mom in particular was funny. I do think the way the stand closes should be changed, but I don't think the idea of Bobby reading a law book quite works.

I understand you used John to be the one who helps close the stand because they've already had a little legal discussion earlier on, but the whole running through the crowd thing doesn't quite work. Surely they'd just mob him, not let him run off? I think you could still use John, but how about this: John likes the lemonade, gives Bobby a business card 'in case he ever needs any more'. When Bobby's despairing about how to close the stand, he can remember the card, find it, and give John a call. That would work better in my opinion.

One tiny, very nit-picky mistake: on page 5, you have two consecutive bits of Mom dialogue that should just be one chunk. But I actually feel bad pointing that out considering how much I enjoyed this.

Thanks!

Jon


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stebrown
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler, this was a really cute story. It reminded me of Roald Dahl, just how he always seemed to have the adults as really cruel oppressors of children. Really good idea this and imaginative.

I don't really have any critique, story-wise. I think you told it well. Maybe it went on a little too long, but I'm not sure.

John was really the only questionable character. It just seemed a bit convenient that he would be passing at those two times. If anything, I would have preferred Bobby to get in touch with Wanda Withers (great name, by the way) to complain about the child labour and get the stand closed down. That's all just my opinion though, as I think it works fine as it is.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

Ste


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tyler. I just finished this.

My initial thoughts on the script were very good. The story was really charming and sweet. It left me feeling happy.

However, upon further inspection, I found that I did not like it as much as I thought I did. First of all, I forgot it was a Comedy. I did not laugh once. It was a cute children's story, but I don't think it could qualify as Comedy.

Mom was kind of funny, but hurtful at the same time. I think we should at least see her get her Just Desserts after the lemonade stand shuts down.

I agree with other posters that John's appearances were too convenient, but I could let it slide.

Truthfully, I did like it. I just thought it wasn't a Comedy like you said it was in the exchange thread.

Also, much more could be done with it (I'm not in any way saying it should be a feature though). Wanda Withers has potential for a bigger role. In fact, she should've been the one to "expose" the lemonade stand in the end.

I might seem overly critical, but I didn't think it was bad at all. I just felt liek it could've worked better. Give it a couple of re-writes and it's gonna be damn good.

--Julio

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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, guys.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

@michael
In an earlier draft I had Bobby call the police and tell them he was being used as child labor and that they would find traces of urine in the lemonade.  The Police came and a riot broke out, and he used the distraction to steal the lock-boxes filled with money and bury them in his sandbox in the back yard.

I liked Bobby taking charge, but it felt sort of sloppy--I wasn't sure if what was happening fell under child labor laws and didnt know if someone cold be arrested fif their son peed in lemonade before selling it--also, it seemed a bit of a childish move for Bobby.  So I thought it would be interesting to tie someone back in from the beginning.

BTW, I'd like to return the favor, any script in particular that you would like for me to take a look at?

@JB
I like your idea with the business card, but I think I like your idea of the crowd mobbing Bobby even more...  Maybe I'll combine them.

Anyway, thanks for the read, and I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.

@ste
As far as John passing the stand twice, i figured it would be aroute from work.  I sort of based that on my experiences selling lemonade way back when, as all the buisness men would walk by my house because the train station is at the end of the street.  I can't however, think of a way of mentioning that without it coming off as awkward exposition...

I might use wanda again, although I'm not sure how.  You and reaper both mentioned liking her though, so I'll try and think of a way she can help and be tied back in again.

@Reaper
I'm confused, you liked it until you found out I thought of it as a comedy?  that seems sort of odd to me.  Like liking a strawberry until finding out its a fruit and then hating it.  

Also, i tried to show that the parents got their desserts with the final montage, where they walk out of the courthouse handcuffed, and the newspaper headline that said they were to be jailed.  Do you not think this is enough, or was it just not clear enough?

Yeah, I think I'm gonna try and squeeze a bit more wanda in there too.

Thanks again, guys, for the reviews!

Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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directoboy12
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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really enjoyed this, it was pretty much the definition of cute. I disagree that this wasn't funny, I chuckled quiet a few times especially at that last line which was really clever. Maybe Bobby could be a couple years older though maybe 8. I did notice a couple of grammar errors nothing big though but I'll point them out so they are easy for you to catch when you do a rewrite.

On the first page it says "He drags a folding table behind them," I think you meant "him"  instead of "them" here.

Also on the first page it says "Bobby sees a MRS. HILL" The "a" should go.

I really enjoyed this.


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages

Revision History (1 edits)
directoboy12  -  January 22nd, 2009, 6:55pm
I put Booby instead of Bobby
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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"I'm confused, you liked it until you found out I thought of it as a comedy?"

Not at all. I *did* like it all the way through. I'm just saying that I thought I would be reading a Comedy, but it turned out to be something entirely different. It's like back when I saw the teaser for Wes Craven's Red Eye -- I thought it would be a serious horror movie and I ended up watching a comedy/thriller flick -- I enjoyed it, but it was not what I was promised. I hope you understand.  

The handuffs scene completely slipped by me. It's because, when read a scene that I feel I've watched many times in many different movies or stories (like a newspaper montage) I tend to get disinterested and/or skim through it. Losing my focus wasn't a big deal here, though, as this is a short script and it's quick to get your attention back.  

I just read the said part again and, yes, indeed, Bobby's mom does get her just desserts.

However, with the scene being two sentences long, it was indeed very easy to miss.


--Julio
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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@directoboy
"On the first page it says "He drags a folding table behind them," I think you meant "him"  instead of "them" here. "

Ha! Good catch!  I had to read that twice, it kept slipping by me, I just kept reading "them" as him" in my head.

Thanks for the review . . . ANything I could read to repay the favor?

@Reaper


Quoted from ReaperCreeper
Not at all. I *did* like it all the way through. I'm just saying that I thought I would be reading a Comedy, but it turned out to be something entirely different. It's like back when I saw the teaser for Wes Craven's Red Eye -- I thought it would be a serious horror movie and I ended up watching a comedy/thriller flick -- I enjoyed it, but it was not what I was promised. I hope you understand.  


Okay, I gotcha.  It just didn't work as a comedy for you, but had enough going in other places to hold its own.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper
The handuffs scene completely slipped by me. It's because, when read a scene that I feel I've watched many times in many different movies or stories (like a newspaper montage) I tend to get disinterested and/or skim through it. Losing my focus wasn't a big deal here, though, as this is a short script and it's quick to get your attention back.  


Ha, i do the same thing,  i thought thats probably what happened.



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Martinus
Posted: January 23rd, 2009, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler,

There's not much I can say about this script. I really, really enjoyed it! It was very much written like a Roald Dahl story, as someone else in this thread already pointed out.

I especially thought the mother character was worked out very well, and it gave me a warm feeling when she got what she deserved.

Just one little point of critique on the ending: John could be incorporated a bit better in closing down the stand, but it seems like Jon has already offered a great solution for that.

Just read it again in a few weeks, and perhaps you can make it even better


I will return reads as fast as possible!

My scripts:

Shattered - Short: Two men who meet each other in a prison cell find that they have more in common than they'd like...

Tough as Pins (work in progress)
Bulletbound (work in progress)
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bobtheballa
Posted: January 23rd, 2009, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story, very cute and clever.

It was a quick, enjoyable read and I thought the characters were really good. I really found myself rooting against the mother and I enjoyed the father's story from work (after I looked up the words of the punchline).

My only problem, and it was more of a minor nitpick than anything that needed to be seriously reworked was that when Bobby notices John walking through the crowd at the end, I had to go back to figure out who John was and whether you mistakenly didn't introduce him or if I just forgot his character.

I'd consider a little more dialogue between the two at the beginning where John admires Bobby's surprisingly thick business vocabulary as I thought the dialogue between the two worked well and has more potential for humor. That or possibly involving a big soda company that doesn't like that the everlasting lemonade will soon put them out of business, that Bobby catches trying to sabotage the operation and eventually helps.

Again, these are just some thoughts I had while reading the script and it's very good where it is now, so there's no pressing need to fix it if you'd prefer to be done with this story.

Another idea I had was to possibly expand on the idea of the stand itself getting bigger and out of Bobby's control. You started to do it with the prices and the crowds, but possibly have the newspapers in the beginning be local papers and later on he starts getting featured in the Wall Street Journal, NY Times, etc. For a darker tone, you could have the parents eventually revert the house to a massive lemonade stand and have Bobby outside sleeping under the folding table that started it all.

Actually scratch that. This whole post is becoming some sort of "I really liked what you did and can't think of any glaring weaknesses so suggest a bunch of ways to expand it" essay. Well done!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 24th, 2009, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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I read this. I didnít read any of the previous reviews but if I repeat anything, well, that just emphasizes its importance, right?

I thought it was a cute little story. You did a good job of escalating the action incrementally. Some good characters. Some good dialogue. The mother outshined them all, even Bobby.

Some suggestions:

First, you might consider a title page. A lot of times I save scripts to read later. When they donít have cover pages, sometimes I end up deleting them because Iíve forgotten what they are or why I wanted to read them. Just a suggestion.

Why did Bobby cross out the 5 and replace it with 50? Couldnít he have just added a zero?

able unannounced - table

I honestly think Bobby can charge a much higher price. I really think you can have him (or his parents rather) charging an outrageous price by the time youíve got people with signs quoting the bible. If it can really quench thirst indefinitely, it might be worth in the thousands by this point in the story.

I also think you missed an opportunity to add tension by involving Country Time lemonade. After all itís their lemonade powder thatís being used. They might want in on the action or might be involved in shutting the stand down. Of course, if you vilify them, you may choose to use a fictional lemonade manufacturer (but it might be better to do that anyway).

Overall, I thought it was a cute and entertaining little story.


Breanne


Edit -- having read some of the other comments, there are some good ones, particularly Michaelís about Bobby reading a law book. I also agree that John at the end is a bit of a deus ex machina and that involving Wanda Withers in the resolution is a good idea.




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Angry Bear
Posted: January 25th, 2009, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Tyler,

You always write nice stories, often cute too and this one fits right in. I read this because I wanted to, so no need to return the read.

I thought Bobby was really cute. I hated his mother, but of course we were supposed to. The dad didn't make an impression on me at all, but that was okay. It's too short a story to have too many characters to worry about.

I agree with Breanne about the price of the lemonade. It should be really outrageous at the end.

I also agree with Michael's suggestion that Bobby should solve his own problems, but I don't think he should read from a law book... He's only 6. But maybe somehow use the tv reporter.

Good job on ya!  


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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Tyler

Really enjoyed this one. Bobby is a great 5 year old, wisdom beyond his years its fair to say.

BOBBY
Thereís no such thing as magic.
I used science. -- Great line for a kid, displays more logic then a lot of the things that escape the lips of supposed "adults".


I notice Bobby frowns constantly, I counted 4 cases in the first two pages.

I loved the petulance of the "retarded" exchange.

BOBBY
A business decision.

John nods.

JOHN
I respect that.  Iíll take a
glass. -- The kid really knows how to relate to the customers, nicely done. Get on their level.

BOBBY
Itís my stand -- Ha. I love this guy.

The mother is really turning into one of them plastic, all smiles, suburban Moms, a direct contrast to the straight talking Bobby. Good conflict here (at least thats what I'm anticipating to happen between them)

WANDA WITHERS -- What a fu?ckin' name for a reporter, ha ha.

"Wanda just sort of stares at mom, nonplussed" -- the "sort of" could be omitted here.

MOM
Itís my lawn.  I invented you. -- Great put down, she has a couple up her sleeve too.

MOM
I might as well have eaten
inorganic food and listened to
rock music while he was in the
womb! -- Nearly overstepped it here, man. To say it right in front of her favorite reporter (even for her) seems a bit too mean.

The bible passage was classic, pitch perfect. It would have been funny if the mother had got a sign made up with them very words on it as a sort of advertisement, itsell within her character to do so.

I really dug this all the way thru, great characters, funny dialogue & the pacing was spot on. It never dragged or lulled, each scene served a purpose & helped move the story along. My only beef is with the ending which I thought let it down...BUT only slightly as I know you can improve it.

It all seemed too abrupt (maybe its because I was enjoying it so much I didn't want it to end) It was all wrapped up within a page after the previous highly entertaining 15 pages. Didn't do the piece justice in my opinion.

Plus we never get to know how the lemonade works, though I'm thinkin' you never had any intention of telling us.

A great job here overall, well done.

Col.







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