Hey, man, in the process of reading your script. Typically I like to review as I read, so you get a more accurate idea of reactions & impression of your work as a reader would.
Watch out for the prose paragraphing, 3 to 4 lines max.
I liked the line below.
No, can’t be.
But I thought the hysterical laughter that followed was a bit much. I mean it was a humorous quip but not that funny, you know.
paradise! – Nice phrase
I love Brad's character so far, very entertaining banter between himself and Nick.
I liked the transition with Margo's speech (O.S) to when Brad & Nick enter the Tea Room.
Good natural opener, the conversations are crisp & readable.
I presume it’s your intention to have Brad & Rick almost caricatures, their first meeting outside the truck is really vamped up, slang-wise. It would be funny on screen though to see a 40 year old man complete with bandanna & baseball cap talk like that & engage in not one…but two high fives.
"Good workers but only cos’ they’re on speed and E all the time." -- Ah, that goes some way to explain their earlier hysterics. (Maybe have them stoned some of the time too, to justify the opening scene even more)
"And for some reason, she loves him." -- Good line.
"spritely" -- should be "sprightly". Good use of it here in the context of the old timer though.
Good ole’ "dry humping" in a public place on pages 9 & 10, you can't beat it, brother...well except for, you know...
"ebony twins!" -- Ha
"Got the munchies." --- They must be stoned, man. E & Speed tend to have the opposite effect on your appetite.
The exchange between the "Grumpy Customer & Lenny & Scum had me laughing out loud which is something that rarely happens me when reading scripts, good job. Sharp tough name calling, I love it.
However, on the basis of the argument between them I don't think the "Grumpy Customer" would have taken the boxes falling into his trolley as lightly as he did. There woulda’ been consequences, a punch-up or something.
Not sure about the "Director" interaction, I suppose in the context of this script: its tone, dialogue & colourful characters it fits better then it would in most.
Again great banter between Jimmy & Brad. A 81 year old fu?king a 20 year old, what a legend!! The ear & nose plug story was classic.
Funny rap from Brad, you have a flair for quick-witted banter, it’s definitely the highlight of the script & drives the piece along.
Didn't really dig the Muslim bit, not that it was offensive or anything I just didn't find it that funny. I found the punch line a little lame. For me its the first "conversation faux pas" thus far.
The sex scene in the freezer is absurd, but in a good way, it suits the script.
They commence smashing each other again, as Brad walks on. --
Is it a regular occurrence in OZ for fights to break out between two grown men & for nobody nearby to do anything to intervene? Especially since it’s one of the new guys, he might appreciate some protection, no? (I'm well aware of the random nature of this script so for that reason it isn't that big of a deal)
Its just people are nonchalantly watching Tim & newbie knock seven bells outta' each other, its madness! (but in a good way I may add again)
"that’s she’s happy." -- Should be "that she's happy"
The second Director interaction was better. I enjoyed the dialogue between them, kudos on the jab at SS regulars, always welcome on the site, take them down a notch or two.
"Paramedics gently remove Brad from eh side of the crusher." -- "The" instead of "eh"
From the crusher scene onwards it is abundantly clear that all caution (or whatever minuscule amount was left) has been well & truly thrown to the wind, tongue is planted firmly in ones cheek & belief is suspended somewhere in the stratosphere. Glorious lunacy, my friend.
Yep this was pretty nuts. It gradually got more and more crazy as it progressed so as the reader it was difficult to determine how far you were willing to run with it…the answer: Pretty fu?kin’ far. Between the inexplicable Zombie inclusion & Nesty & Jim’s perpetual fighting I finally started to get up to speed with the craziness of it all.
The ending was brilliant, the boat wasn’t only pushed out it was flung as far as the Indian ocean & back again. I laughed for most of the last few pages.
Yes, its maybe not the most marketable of scripts, lacked a clear plot with goals, antag’s, protag’s etc but fu?k it, it was damn enjoyable to read. I’m more then happy I took it on, a refreshing break from the regimented norm, well done, bud.
Nice work, keep at it.