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1. The opening lines should be marked OS as we don't see the speakers.
Quite a nice way of opening it though - makes a change from the ubiquitous VO!
2. No need for (CONTINUED) - the use of this device has fallen by the wayside.
3. While it is standard to include revision dates in scripts (which would also include colour coded pages) - given this is just 8 pages, it may seem a tad pretentious to do so.
Given it's size, I must say that I do really question whether it should or would need so many revisions by so many people!
4. The Judge and the MC are to be played by the same actor? (Note - not character - they are the characters). This is a bit post modern! And probably a bit confusing in what is, after all, a naturalistic story with no other elements of this kind. This whole last sequence is confusing because it does not fit into the style of the script up til now. Is it meant to be a dream sequence - if so, it needs to be clearer.
This was OK. That's the best that I can say. Given the number of people credited with it, I would have expected much much more - in terms of story and pages! As I say above, it would be nice to see what the original was like before the revisions.
The big problem for me is that it just isn't interesting. It's a fragment. A few scenes from something bigger - not a story in it's own right.
I thought this was really well done to be honest. Very simple but a lot of subtext going on.
The writing was very crisp and flowed, making this a very fast read. I can see how the revisions have paid off.
My own 2 cents that I'll throw into the mix is the final scene, in the courtroom. This went by a little too fast and there isn't really a big enough pay-off. I like the mood of it and the essense of the scene works. That part of the script just felt a little rushed.
Regarding the title page, I don't see where the problem is. The script has been worked on by other people and they are credited. The script is going to be made and the director is currently doing his own revision. I'd rather read a polished script and critique that than something the writer himself could work on off his own back.
I enjoyed it and found the 'stand-up' dialogue funny and natural.
P.S. Niles, I owe you a read. Can you pm me the script you'd prefer me to read and comment on and I'll do just that.
You can't actually know if the revisions have paid off unless you see the original. How do you know that it wasn't 100 times better than the version we see here?
You yourself mention that the courtroom scene feels rushed - and this after four different people have had their input.
You may wish to read a "polished" script - I for one, speaking for myself, would prefer to see the screenwriter's original vision and be able to comment on that. Indeed - isn't that the whole point of a site like SS?
Fair point Niles, maybe the original was better. I just thought that the writing was very concise and it felt like that was due to revisions. I may be wrong but there we go.
What I meant about preferring to read a polished script is that some people write a script in a short space of time then post it to the site without given it so much as a proof-read. The less you have to talk about formatting, spelling mistakes etc, the better. I think the point of SS is to help writers with the story itself, rather than mistakes that can be solved by the writer themselves.
Ok. It had a very promising beginning. The stand up was funny, and I had a neutral opinion of his wife, which was good. It's nicce to see the other half not being portrayed as a dislikeable wench for once. But in the last scene, you ruined it. Donny seeemed to stand up out of nowhere, start shouting obscenities, and actually get aplause for it. And the judge started clapping too? Come on. If that scene was longer, if we actually heard a bit of banter between the 2 divorce lawyers, and Donnys speach was altered, you might have something. I did like this script, but it needs some work particuarly on the end.
I was with you right until the last scene. The mix of comedy and drama was pretty well done, and certainly believable. Then you lost it right at the end. I agree with stiffler that the clapping seems over the top. Maybe nodding, agreeing. And probably not the judge. Well done though
As often happens on these boards some input from the author (s?) would be appreciated.
I have to agree with the others that the ending killed it. The whole thing juxtaposing real life with the comedy Donnie turns it into only works if the real life bits are realistic. I think Donnies whole speech is a little contrived/cliche. Seems like in real life he'd say something a little more awkward and abrupt, like 'fine just take it, none of this is worth it.' And 'I still have my comedy' ? people dont really talk like that. And Im not sure they really think like that either.
Right up until that part I quite enjoyed it though.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Hey, I really liked this script.........until page 8 where things start to fall apart. I hope that you end the story right after Donnie discovered the wedding invitation. That way you can bookend your story effectively.
The courtroom scene is just confusing and does not fit the tone of the story at all. Why do you want the Judge to be the same character as the M.C.? Is it a dream? Donnie's babble in the court is so out-of-character as well. And the judge applaud after that?!
You script starts off with a bang and kept me interested with some comedy going on. But ends with a wimp.
I hope the writer responds and state what her intention is.
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I liked this. There is some really good writing here.
It’s nice to read something with no format issues. Thank you. The only suggestion I could possibly make is that I personally think scripts look better with the character continueds off. The mores and continueds when dialogue is broken up over pages look good but I think the character continueds just look cluttered. It’s not wrong the way you have it though.
One technical thing; it seemed strange that Donnie wouldn’t stand up to go on stage until after he was introduced. I’ve performed on stage before and I was always waiting in the wings to go on. Maybe the dressing room is really close to the stage but it seemed strange.
P4 …nix all the formalities. -- Question mark?
The ending was a little problematic for me. It’s okay but the biggest issue I have is that you did something that I think is a storytelling mistake. First, you had Donnie getting the wedding invitation. Everything was great there. Going on stage and balking, great stuff. Reminiscent of “Punchline.” Then you saved the hero from hardship. You let his big epiphany arrive through a dream or fantasy and spared him the embarrassment of crumbling on stage. And in doing so, you eliminated what would have been the most awkward scene with the most drama and conflict of the whole story. As a result, it ends with a fizzle rather than a bang.