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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In Sickness... Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Sickness...  (currently 1166 views)
Don
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Sickness… by James Williams (jwent668 - Short, Satire - After a bitter divorce leaves them bickering over their future social status, custody of their eight children, and the rights to their reality T.V. empire, Jan and Nate Getterling simultaneously plot each other's murder. 20 pages - pdf, format



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jwent6688
Posted: April 18th, 2010, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Thanks for posting Don.

Very loosely based on a certain reality TV show I cannot stomach. Names have been changed to protect their identities...

Most fun i ever had writing....


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Cam17
Posted: April 19th, 2010, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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Finally we have Jon and Kate, The Real Story.  Funny thing is, a part of me thinks this could actually happen.

I thought this was well done.  The dialogue was believable and you really conveyed the raw hatred these two scumrats had for each other.  It was a good idea to basically leave the kids out of the story and concentrate on the venomous relationship of Nate and Jan.

SPOILERINO

I had a feeling Brownstone was going to doublecross both of them, but I didn't see the twist of him being an executive.  As I said, I have to wonder how far from reality that is.  Producers and executives have probably done worse things for ratings.

Format was on.  You did change the spelling of "Getterling" several times.  A few typos but nothing major.

All you forgot was to give Nate a faux hawk and some douchey Ed Hardy shirt.  And Jan's(Kate's) old haircut.  Can't believe you didn't take aim at that.

So, it was a quick, entertaining read.  Good job.


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ajr
Posted: April 19th, 2010, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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James,

I agree with Cam, you did a nice job with this. And I echo what he said about Brownstone and the twist - you got me as well...

I particularly liked the characterization of Kate (sorry, Jan) - I think you nailed her bitchiness, vanity and stupidity. They live about an hour west of me so every now and then I hear something filter through the grapevine or see something on the local news, so I can tell you that the portrayal is right on...

Was Steve a bit too broadly stupid? Perhaps. But Jan's reactions to him were funny. As was her bickering with Nate.

As Cam also alluded to, I think you may have the distinction of being dangerously prophetic with this piece of satire as well - time will tell, won't it?

Again, nice job!


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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jwent6688
Posted: April 19th, 2010, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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First off, Thanks to Ren. He got a sneak peak at it and offered some good advice.
I don't even think he reviews scripts anymore. So it was not to break him out of retirement.

Cam,

Glad you liked and thanks for reading. When I first wrote this, Jan actually got in Nate's car after they were back home. The wounded break line gave way and she went off the side of the hill into a gratuitous fireball. Still laugh a little at that.

Think I did good where i went though. I did miss a good opportunity with the hair. Would definitely go into a rewrite.

Def left kids out on purpose. AS far as could this happen? I wouldn't put anything past em' when this kinda cash tho. Thanks, again...

AJ,

Thanks for reading and comments...

I proofread this about 10 times just making sure Nate wasn't Jon and Jan wasn't Kate. Kept farking it up. Can't believe I didn't miss one.

Steve was dumb as a box of rocks. Is the only reason I think someone could put up with her. Plus, she obviously enjoys abusing him. He may be too dumb, but i thought it added to the story well.

Glad you guys liked... AS you know, want anything read in return, Please PM me...


James



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grademan
Posted: April 20th, 2010, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

I liked this. The dialogue was good and the story with the hit man was a great twist. I liked the bit with the sunglass lens popping out - nice touch. The characters are good although I think Jan's part was written the best out of all of them. I was half expecting an evil laugh from Brownstone at the end.

Gary
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jwent6688
Posted: April 20th, 2010, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Gary,

Thanks for the read. Probably the best thing I've done to date and of course it's a spoof.

I still think this would make good film, probably have to distant it  a little further from J & K. But, I think we're doomed to have large families exposed on reality TV from now on.

If you'd like me to look at anything of yours, just PM me...

James


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TheRichcraft
Posted: April 24th, 2010, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Never saw the "reality show," but I heard both of the real parents were losers.

Yeah, you do television, the chances are that your house is bugged.  I can see this being done as a full script.

I would never put anything past a Hollywood producer.  In fact, I'm surprised that this scenario didn't play out in real life, lol.
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jwent6688
Posted: April 25th, 2010, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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RC, glad you liked it and thanks for the read.

I wouldn't turn this into a feature lest there were some interest in it. I think as it is, the plot delivers on time. Couldn't see it getting any better with more pages.

Glad you enjoyed, Let me know if you'd like me to read anything sometime.

James


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dogglebe
Posted: July 14th, 2010, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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I had problems with this script.  The biggest is that it didn't really go anywhere.  You set everything up in the first page or two and, IMHO, you kept writing jokes until you ran out of steam.  Then Brownstone showed up, did his thing, and you finished it.  John and Kate hate each other... and you showed them hating each other for fifteen pages.  You actually could cut about ten pages of this and the story, IMHO, would better for it.

Mr. Brownstone was extremely predictable. I figured his angle very early on.  You need to throw a red herring in this script so people don't guess that it's not-

SPOILER SPACE

Michael Shelton., the owner of the abandoned amusement park!

(scoobie Doooooooooo)

END SPOILER SPACE

The ending fell extremely flat for me. Did you just not know how to end it and thought to just wrap it up with the stand-by ending that a lot of old live TV shows used to end scenes.  It didn't work.

On the bright side, some of the jokes did work me, which takes a lot.  I think that, if you tinker with the story, you'll have something nice.

Oh, FWIW, you can use John and Kate's real names here.  You'd be protected by parody law.


Phil
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jwent6688
Posted: July 14th, 2010, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Phil, thanks for reading. Damn, thought i had a good twist with this one. Everyone else seemed to really like it. So I was a bit unsure how good this was. Although, tis a matter of opinion.



Quoted from dogglebe
Mr. Brownstone was extremely predictable. I figured his angle very early on.  You need to throw a red herring in this script so people don't guess that it's not-

SPOILER SPACE

Michael Shelton., the owner of the abandoned amusement park!

(scoobie Doooooooooo)

END SPOILER SPACE


Again, surprised here. Thought most would see Brownstone doing a double cross, but just because he wanted his wife's favorite show back on T.V. Not that this was all set up by greedy executives.


Quoted from Dogglebe
The ending fell extremely flat for me. Did you just not know how to end it and thought to just wrap it up with the stand-by ending that a lot of old live TV shows used to end scenes.  It didn't work.


Again, didn't see it like that at all. The last scene revaels the twist IMO. When has two reality TV show characters ever been black mailed into staying on their show?

Glad you got some chuckles. This has probably gotten the most attention from producers/directors through email. As far as my stuff goes. Just always seems to fall through. You're the first to not really like it.

Again, Thanks for taking the time.

James



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dogglebe
Posted: July 14th, 2010, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Again, didn't see it like that at all. The last scene revaels the twist IMO. When has two reality TV show characters ever been black mailed into staying on their show?


I'm talking about the very end.  "Let's go for drinks!"  IMHO, this is extremely weak and lazy.


Phil

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jwent6688
Posted: July 14th, 2010, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Quoted from dogglebe
I'm talking about the very end.  "Let's go for drinks!"  IMHO, this is extremely weak and lazy.


Gotcha, could be more original.

James



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