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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Bleeding Green - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bleeding Green - 7WC  (currently 2877 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2010, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bleeding Green - 7WC by T. Joseph Fraser (Blaakwolfe) - Thriller - A beautiful eco-terrorist has a change of heart after being struck with amnesia. Will she recover in time to save the world? 96 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey T Joe, what up?  Congrats on completing a script in 7 weeks.  You should be proud.

I saw no reads on your script and wanted to give it a bump and start the discussion.  I am stopping at page 42, cause things have really gone downhill for me and I need a break.  I hope to get back to it later.

I wish I had time to take detailed notes for you, because there are a lot of problems going on, pretty much every single page.  I noticed that after your initial setup, the writing fell apart, details made no sense, and mistakes were running rampant, which is too bad, as I liked your setup and premise.

The main thing I want to stress here is your overwriting.  You continually add worthless description to lines that make them run into the next line, and basically waste a line for no reason at all.  Way too much meaningless detail is given over and over again.  Off the top of my head, I’d say you could literally chop off 10 pages of the first 41, and lost absolutely nothing in story.

What really pushed me overboard and caused me to stop reading was your use of annoying asides and the use of “argh”, not once, but twice, in dialogue.  People don’t say “argh”, unless they’re a pirate.  It comes off as completely cartoonish, comedic, and downright annoying.

Sorry if this all sounds harsh, but I’m just irritated, as I thought things were looking rather intriguing early on.  I’ve already managed to piss a few people off, but you know I’m going to give it to you straight up, and let my feelings be known.  Hope this helps in your rewrite.

Notes I took as I read -

The opening scene is pretty good.  It has a “big budget thriller” feel to it.   The writing itself is OK, and I’m sure it will be better with further rewrites.

I’d be careful of keeping Jillian the character she seems to be in this opening.  She’s crazy, cool, and the makings of an action hero.  NOTE after reading further – You did not keep her character consistent with what I was hoping.

After page 10, things really slow down with the intro of Talon and Cobalt – they also seem very cliché as henchmen.

The writing is starting to get much worse, with lots of typos popping up everywhere.  Different names are also popping up (Sunshine?).  General note – too many characters – getting very difficult to follow.

I’m really confused now on page 28, because it seems L&G blew up, but now we’re at another blown up building called Lockwood & Day.

Page 29 – OK, I have to bring this up, cause it’s happening more and more frequently.  “The Fireman Sam…” – Why are you using “the” in front of characters names?  BTW, Fireman Sam really sounds terrible for a character name.

Page 30/31 – The dialogue is getting pretty bad and this is getting harder and harder to follow, as I’m just clueless as to where we are and what this new building Lockwood & Day has to do with anything.

McIntyre – Mcintosh?  Homeless camping in the woods?  HUH?  WTF?

You also are continually going back and forth using Jill and Jillian interchangeably in description prose which is extremely confusing.   You need to be consistent.

Page 31 – Jessetor?  HUH?  What does this mean?

OK, I’m extremely confused again with Jesse and Sacrecrow.  Who, or what are they supposed to be, and why are they even involved?

OK, so now amnesia kicks in finally. I actually forgot all about it.  IMO, this is a bit late, but let’s see where it goes.

One thing I want to bring up, is that everything has abruptly changed from how you started things out.  It’s completely lost that “big” feel, sorry to say.

Page 32 – “the Jesse” – Dude, sorry, but this kind of stuff is really starting to annoy me. WTF?

“A tall, modern and thoroughly generic skyscraper filled with suits, greed and lies.” – This is an EXT shot so obviously, this is a total aside that for me is really annoying.  I’m sorry, T Joe, but I’m really losing my patience here.

Page 33 – An extra “TOM’S OFFICE” SLUG thrown in for now reason.

“Arghh!” – Argh, indeed. Dude, sorry, but this kinda stuff should NEVER be included in a serious script.  You’re honestly telling me that this character says, “Argh”?  It’s a cartoon line.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Page 38 – “Jillian nods in agreement and puts the chain around her long and supple neck.” – I wish I had been taking better notes for you, T Joe.  Just wasn’t in the mood though.  You’ve been way overwriting in this script, to the point that it’s very irritating and annoying. This is a good example here.  By writing “long and supple neck”, you’ve used an extra line.  We’re on page 38 here, Jillian has been intro’d long ago – on page 1, I think.  She’s been in numerous scenes.  It’s downright crazy that you’d throw in a descriptive line like this at this point.

“The car winds up a hilly road, meticulously pruned as if done with a pair of scissors.” – And here you go again!  Dude, c’mon now.  Another wasted line because of a totally unnecessary description, “as if done with a pair of scissors). LOSE ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF!!!!

“Ulrich steps out of the car as the young man sits in the cockpit and smiles.” – Still the same page, and another crazy description…this time, I don’t even know what it’s supposed to mean, but it’s another wasted line.  “sits in the cockpit and smiles”?  Huh? What cockpit?  Who cares?  Obviously, I’m trying to beat home a point.  I won’t continue bringing these all up, but you really need to give this a thorough edit.

Page 41 – I’m sorry, bud, but this thing is falling faster than a piano from the 12th floor.  Nothing is reading very well.  Nothing is working for me.

“desToms” – HUH?

Page 42 – “Arghhhhhhh!” – You used it again?  You seriously used it again?  OH MY…I’m afraid I’m going to stop on that note.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  September 7th, 2010, 10:38pm
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grademan
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T.  Joe.

I finished reading this first draft and here are my comments.

-- This felt kind of convoluted to me.

-- Too many minor characters. I’d think about ditching Talon or Cobalt, Mr. Foster, and Scarecrow.

-- More evil. Consider making the big scheme be inserted earlier in the story. We know who the bad guys are but not their plan. Plus, the plan has been done before – got anything to freshen it up?

-- The beginning was pretty good with Jillian speeding down the road. I could see the Jillian role for a young starlet with some story revisions so things are more her vs. the evil plan. Her amnesia isn’t much of a hindrance in this story.

-- Plenty of typos and such to be cleaned up.

So that’s about it,

Gary

Congrats on completing the 7WC!
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Gary, didn't you have an earlier post here, saying you stopped on page 45?

Am I imagining this?  I thought sure I saw a rather detailed post form you...Hmmm...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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grademan
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Yes Jeff, I did have an earlier post which said I had only reached page 45. I felt bad for not reading it all. Thus, the revised comments.

                                                                             Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I feel bad too.  I'll get back to it and finish it as well.


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Blakkwolfe
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No worries, guys. I appreciate the effort.

This was a pretty brutal rough draft, more of an excercise to get the idea out of the brain and on to paper.

I was concerned with the amount of characters and it being hard to follow.

Rushed to hit the deadline, though the quality suffered as a result.

However, that is part of the learning experience and I'll take into consideration all comments in the revision...


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Angry Bear
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TJoe,

congrats! Not just for writing a feature in 7 weeks, but for writing a pretty decent one. I'm not sure why the others couldn't finish it. I liked it. I guess we're all different.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading about places familiar. My brother-in-law lives on Bayshore so some of the streets and stuff, I know.

This review will be short. Not because I didn't want to take notes. I did. I had my notepad and pen ready when I sat down at work ready to read. I read the first 2 pages and liked what I read a lot and I didn't really see anything to mention/complain about so I put the paper and pen aside, leaned back in my chair and put my feet on the desk and just read it.

I read Jeff's comments and I agree with some of it. It was a little confusing at times. Weird slugs like the ones about the building changing name. Lots of typos. There were more and more of them as the script went on. Even in some of the slugs. Like INT. Tom's GARAGE… Also lots of spelling errors in German. One description btw, one that Jeff hated, I liked. A tall bland skyscraper. Full of suits, lies and greed. To me that painted a perfect picture.

I see the others didn't like Talon and Cobalt. They weren't exactly deep characters, but I wouldn't say they were not needed either. I liked Scarecrow. Could picture him perfect as well. Jesse was a likable guy. Jillian was okay. Seemed like a bitch in the beginning, but grew on me as the story went on. Tom left me a little confused. I never really got a handle on him. Ulrich…what can I say. Germans are always either sadistic Nazis or perverted gay. Frost can probably go though. The congress man need a better part. I liked that he's corrupt and all, but not how he's just let to continue in the end.

I liked how you showed clues into their characters by doing things like giving them specific things to eat.

The story is timely with a social comment and I liked how Jillian changes her way. You have flu hype and corporate greed. Eco terrorism.

I do have some question for you.

What is Jessetor and desTom?

What did P.I.A. stand for?

How did Tom and Jillian become so rich?

What was Bethany's role? I think I didn't really get that.

I know this is short, but I honestly didn't have that much to complain about. Fix some of the confusing areas, typos and such and I think you'd have a great story here.


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Blakkwolfe
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Quoted from Angry Bear
about so I put the paper and pen aside, leaned back in my chair and put my feet on the desk and just read it..


Thank you. That made my day.

I got a brain freeze on some of the slugs. The business name changed a few times and didn't get edited (didn't get edited at all, mainly because of the deadline and I had perhaps one too many when I submitted it...)

P.I.A. 36 stood for Pulminoviral Intersystemal Antidote, version 36, which was designed to Combat the ISA4032 that was injected into the affected cows-with the goal of creating fear about eating meat and punishing those who did with a the threat of a horrible death.
The German was based on Google Translator…
I admit I overwrite sometimes, but I like to add some thoughtful phrases to break the monotony of who’s doing what to whom.  Shouldn’t over do it though. I agree with that.
Talon and Cobalt- Needed two guys to take Jill down. Tried to paint her as tough and brassy- someone they would be intimidated by, even a little afraid of…Need to build that aspect of her character. I agree also they are somewhat cartoonish.  Tried to build a bit more about Talon in the later part; which is tricky since he speaks little to no English…Perhaps adding some conflict between these two henchmen and their loyalties in the re-write.
Tom needs to be more in play than Ulrich, as he too was betrayed by Tom. Originally, I had him co-operating with Jillian to fix the formula, but it made Jill seem too passive and somewhat awkward to bring Jesse into the mix.
Ulrich’s preferences, so to speak, yeah…that’s how he rolls. He’s not perverted though.
The Congressman’s action at the end was a response to Chinatown…He’s corrupt, sells out people for profit and gets away with it.  Seems the way it goes in American Politics…
I liked using Jillian’s amnesia (which does need to be more drastic) as the catalyst for her character arc (which needs to be more clearly stated- she gets too bland at the end; she still kicks ass, but no longer wants to destroy the world.
Jessetor and Destom: Typos.
Sunshine was originally Jesse (He was Doc Sunshine, a cool breezin’ rasta dude with monster dreads before I decided to make him a love interest…Which is not to say that Jillian wouldn’t fall for a Doc Sunshine)
Tom and Jillian ran the agricultural research firm of Lockwood and Day. They developed an alternative to bovine growth hormone that worked extremely well- and, once accepted and in regular use, provided a vehicle for them to inject a poisonous variety into the food supply-which the Vaccine (being manufactured by Ulrich) would cure.
Ulrich and Bethany were investors into the program, with Bethany being the main source of Cash. They all did very well and came together to celebrate at the barbecue. This needs to be clarified, as she is the first to fall according to Tom’s betrayal.
I’m glad that you enjoyed the story, as that’s the main thing I was trying to get on paper.
There definitely has to be some changes leading up to page 45.
No one so far has commented on Patient 5. Thought that was goofy, but I couldn’t not do it.
Thanks very much!



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Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi T Joe,

Congratulations on finishing a script for the 7WC. Not an easy task at all.

I read up to page 28. I'll read further, but I thought I'll just give you some notes right now.

I liked the first 5 pages where Jillian rushes through traffic while Tom and Ulrich are waiting for her. This sets the tone of a fast paced thriller.

Some of the dialogue between the characters, I think, is too cryptic. I didn't understand what they're talking about, but maybe we're not supposed to?

For example, on page 15, Jillian, Tom, and Ulrich were blurting out numbers about patient #3. I didn't know what I should take away from that conversation. And that makes Tom pulling out a gun too sudden, because I didn't understand what they were talking about and so, Tom's motive as well.

Tom's phone conversation with Jillian should be V.O.

It's intriguing so far. I guess Jillian gets amnesia after she wakes up.

The one thing that you should put focus on is to show us the motives of each character. As of now, I still don't know what Tom is doing although I can see he's up to no good. Ulrich as well. I understand Jillian is a smart girl who works for them though.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
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Page 31, I think David's threat came too sudden. I mean, he can threaten Tom, but do it more subtly, not blunt out everything.

Page 31, what's a Jessetor?

Page 33, why a new slug of Tom's office when we're already there?

Page 41-42, I had no problems with the chase scene here. What's wrong with it, Jeff? Although I think T Joe can write it with more excitement.

Page 43-45, I liked the exchange between Jesse and Jillian because this is the first time I really get to know them. But why is Jesse helping her out? I think you missed a scene where Scarecrow carries Jillian to Jesse's place and begs him to help her, on page 22 or something.

Page 46, whoa! What's with 7 new characters introduced in 3 short paragraphs?! As you can tell, I could care less about them. And then the scene ends with only 2 of the 7 new characters speak. Completely unnecessary for now, let's see how it goes.

Page 48, from Jesse: "Leave her alone" or "Let her go"

Page 49, the gun fight wasn't that clearly written. I don't know who fires but bullets keep skimming past people. And what happened with Jesse? I thought Talon was pointing a gun at him?

Page 49, What?! Jillian just got kidnapped and Jesse pops himself a beer?!

Page 50, why spent four passages describing what the CHEF is cooking? You can just mention them when the servants bring them out.

Page 58, Jillian seems a little too gullible here. I thought she's smart? She should have questioned Tom and dig a little deeper before giving in and staying at his house.

Page 61, why is everybody either shirtless or undressed here? I also didn't understand what they were doing to Beth.

Page 63, why is Beth's body lying open in the hallway just for Jillian to find out? The guys should have put Beth in the bedroom or something.

Page 71-72, you know what? I think this scene should be in Act I or even near the opening. I now kinda have an idea of what's going on. This is the stake I'm talking about: people will die from the products. From page 1 up until now, I didn't feel too much tension because I didn't know what the stakes are. This is the missing link.

Page 75, I think even for a male officer, he'd wait right outside the washroom door. So Jillian able to wander in the hallway is contrived.

Page 79, Okay, you have to make it clear what Jillian's plan is, because I have no idea why she would go back to Tom's place and not flee to safety or find someplace to hide.

Page 81, HUH? What is this? "[Massive Exciting Kung Fu fight-Jillian is no stranger to martial arts either. She shows Talon a moment of mercy, which of course, he capitalizes on and leaves her beaten]"


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.

Revision History (1 edits)
Coding Herman  -  September 10th, 2010, 1:25pm
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Coding Herman
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So T Joe, below are my general thoughts:

There is a story embedded in the script, but it's not clear enough. You have to bring it out more, such as: what L&G does and who are those patients in each room, what is Tom and Ulrich's plan, what's the purpose of the building explosion, what's at stake if Tom's plan succeeded, what's Jillian's plan to overcome Tom.

Right now, I kinda understand the gist of the story, but not the details. What I'm getting is that Tom and Ulrich are supposedly making vaccines that help livestocks and plants to grow bigger, but the vaccines are actually deadly. So they want to cover it up and Jillian need to stop them.

Try to find a more straightforward way to present this story. It's convoluted now. And I have to think really hard just to piece together what's going on.

So Jillian was part of Tom's team, but I didn't feel any dilemma from her. Her character doesn't really come off the page for me. She's smart, pretty, and she knows kung fu! It'd be better if you give her a personal flaw so she can overcome it throughout the story.

The over-writing has been mentioned, but it's a style thing.

The most exciting scene, IMO, is actually the Scarecrow chase. This is because I know exactly where the goons are trying to get (where Jillian is) and what Scarecrow is trying to hide. I was rooting for him. Whereas for the other action scenes, especially the last one, I wasn't that involved because I didn't really get or care if either side wins.

I hope you get what I mean.

For a 7 week (or less) work, this is decent, but still needs a lot of work.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Brian M
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Hey T Joe,

I thought this was a pretty decent read and has potential to be a good action/thriller, if you can improve several key areas. I noticed there were a lot of typos, but we all know 7 weeks would never be enough time to catch them all and form a perfect story, so I didn’t take much note. For seven weeks work, you can and should be very proud as this is something you can definitely fix and use in the future.

SPOILERS

I’ll need to get this off my chest right away. Your story took too long to get started. I think this is the reason you lost Jeff and Gary (I think) around the 40-45 page mark. I noted at page 45 that nothing much was happening. Your logline promised a story where Jillian has a change of heart after suffering amnesia and tries to stop these terrorists. It’s after page 30 before we find out she has amnesia. It’s page 67 before we find out what Tom and the German guy were hoping to achieve. I’m sorry, but if I was in the cinema watching this, I’d have walked out by now. It would work better if you show the audience what the Tom and co are working towards early on to keep us interested.

In my opinion, because you take so long to set the story up, it ends quite abruptly. Your first act should be cut and second act should be longer, with more scenes involving Tom and Jillian. He should start to realize she is a massive threat to his plan. Right now, I didn’t really get that from him. The ending aside, I think there was only one scene with the two of them after the amnesia incident, and that was in the mansion. Jillian escaped a short time later. She is your lead and he is your main bad guy who betrays a few ‘friends’ in the end. You HAVE to make their paths cross more.

I agree that you have far too many characters. Many of them, you don’t even need. Chloe? A couple of others guys, all I remember is their names start with ‘J’ at the party? Beth? I could go on, but you get the picture. Integrate them more into the story or get rid. Especially the party scene. Why bother naming these people who barely have a line to say in the whole script? It made life a little difficult for me as I was trying to remember these character names, thinking that they might come back into play later. They didn’t. I noticed many instances of different names being used for characters. Troy, Keldon etc. It is a first draft, but it was a lot more than I expected, and again, made things a little difficult to follow.

Jillian and Jesse’s relationship didn’t fly for me. I don’t think it was developed enough. Jesse isn’t introduced into the story until page 25, that’s already more than a quarter of the way through. I think you could get them to relate more, and make their relationship in the end seem more believable.

I liked Scarecrow’s character and I’m gutted he died so early. I would have preferred him to be alive and on the page than most of the other meaningless characters that fill the pages later on. Maybe he can just be beat up severely and still live? Maybe not. I guess this means I really cared for your character, which is every writer’s aim. Well done.

Tom’s character, on the other hand, not so much. He needs a heavy rewrite. It would have helped if you had showed us what he was working on in the beginning. I didn’t really know if he was a good guy or bad guy until long after I should have.

Dialogue was okay on the whole. There were a few lines that were really good. The Village People line brought a chuckle, and p47 “or do I need to translate it to blonde?”, that was very good. However, there were instances I didn’t like so much. On page 43, you use Jesse to tell Jillian what type of person he thinks she is. I thought that was just a cheap way of getting information that we should know about her across. There are better ways of doing this. Show us that she is emotionally distant, don’t let Jesse tell us.

Also, during the early pages, there was a bit too much talk about the patients with all these numbers (twenty two point five blah blah blah) that we don’t know the meaning of. I’d suggest keeping some of it as it makes your characters sound like they know what they are talking about, but cut back as it doesn’t really mean anything to the reader. I also noted on page 34, Jillian uses Scarecrow’s name in dialogue when he never told her his name.

The writing... I can see how you nearly sent Jeff over the edge. Lots of descriptions that aren’t really needed, but they are your choice. Personally, like Pia, I liked the description “A tall, modern and thoroughly generic skyscraper filled with suits, greed and lies”. It’s a style thing, and I think that a few instances like this are okay as long as you don’t overdo it. Like page 51, “Bethany tears into the steak like an NFL linebacker towards a rookie quarterback.” That just didn’t work for me. There were a few more that I didn’t like, but one or two brought a smile to my face.

Anyway, I think with a rewrite, you could really have something here. It would make an entertaining film. Well done!  

Brian

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Brian M
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Oh, and I'd lose the Fireman Sam name. "Fireman Sam" is a hugely popular children's TV show in the UK, even through the last episode ended many years ago. I had the toys... everything, when I was a kid. Everytime you mentioned his name, all I could picture was the cartoon character.
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Quoted from Brian M
Oh, and I'd lose the Fireman Sam name. "Fireman Sam" is a hugely popular children's TV show in the UK, even through the last episode ended many years ago. I had the toys... everything, when I was a kid. Everytime you mentioned his name, all I could picture was the cartoon character.


See, I would have changed his name because it sounds lke a child molester!  But your reason's good too.  
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