SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 16th, 2019, 6:17pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dead Kids Playing Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dead Kids Playing  (currently 933 views)
Don
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13258
Posts Per Day
1.95
Dead Kids Playing by Mattew Simmonds - Short, Drama - Kids are left to fight for their life as Zombie kids turn up and disrupt their fun in the park. 11 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4516
Posts Per Day
0.86
Hey author, you should really give this script the once-over:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1306532115/

I am pretty sure once ol' Brett gets a load of this, he will probably take a look at yours.

Let him know you are around for feedback -- if you are.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
dogglebe
Posted: September 15th, 2011, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Matt, I'm going to assume that you are in your early teen, if that old.  That's the impression I received after reading your script.

I found several problems with your script.  The formatting is off quite a bit but it's nothing that can't be fixed.  There is some free screenwriting software out there.  A number of people, here use Celtix.  You may want to look it up; your script looks like it was written in Word.  It was a little difficult to read, but not unreadable.

Scriptwriting is meant to be a visual medium.  You should describe things as people would see (and hear) them on the screen.  A big problem with this script (you repeated this a few times) was that you told us that so-and-so was a zombie.  Don't tell us this; show it to us!


Quoted Text
However, this is no longer his younger brother. He is a ZOMBIE.


could be better written as:


Quoted Text
His brother stares at him with vacant, cloudy eyes.  Veins are visible through his pale and cracked skin.  Blood trickles from his mouth and down his chin.


I strongly recommend that you read some scripts to learn about storytelling and formatting of scripts.


SPOILER SPACE

I didn't understand what the three were using as weapons against the zombies:  tennis balls, water balloons, etc..  What was this about?  Were these kids just using whatever they had on hand as weapons?  With this logic, when the zombies attack, I'll fight them with hair brushes, empty beer bottles and my television remote.  Doesn't make sense?  Okay, we understand each other.

END SPOILER SPACE

Brook spoke way too mature and intelligent for an eight year old.  He actually spoke too maturely for a fifteen year old, IMHO.  He have to change his character to make him believable.

Hope this helps.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 3
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 9:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2836
Posts Per Day
0.86
Hello Matthew,

First time I've seen you around the SS boards. Welcome.
I can see that you're not using screenwriting software.
It's a must if you want most folks to read your work.
Celtix isn't the greatest, but it's a start, and it's free. Check it out.

There are plenty of grammar issues as well.
The writing is mostly novelistic, which is an entirely different format.
The best way to learn is to SS veterans scripts and see how it's done.
There's plenty of examples from long time writers here in the top 20 list.
Getting proper software and lots of reading will greatly improve your skills.

You want to avoid passive writing in a screenplay.
Keep your verbs in the present tense, it's by and large, industry standard.

As to your story, you don't take long to get to the action, that's good.
But not giving us context as to how the outbreak started is disorienting.
How did the little tyke get zombified in the stroller without anyone noticing?
If you had set it up some, you could generate some suspense.
Making your script a "page turner" will get you more reads and feedback.

Brook has amazing resolve and intelligence for an eight year old.
He sounds more like eighteen, than eight. IMO.

The layout for the attack is not clear to me.
A playground needs a specific layout than a reader can understand.
If I know the layout and the kids' plan, you can build suspense better.
It puts the reader right there with your characters "on the same page".

I didn't get how the benign weapons affected the zombies.
Also seemed a bit out of character the kids were laughing during the attack.
There's been lots of suggested bloody carnage that offsets the humor.

As Bert mentioned, I've got a little experience with zombies and kids together.
This is a more traditional approach to the sub-genre.

If you're around, take advantage of this great forum and learn.

Best of luck.
Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006