The Woods by Matthew Layden (TheUsualSuspect) - Short, Gothic Horror - Emily goes to visit her mother in the countryside. While there she sees a young boy, who terrorizes her to go into the woods. 11 pages, 3 characters, PG rating - pdf, format

Hey Nate

SPOILERS

It's good until the ending. Very confused. I don't if I should be happy or scared. I want to know what's the backstory.

This script could be trimmed. You have some descriptions that tell as oppose to show. You can find alot of those in the dinner scene btw Grace and Emily that can be removed like "Grace notices that Emily doesn't want to talk to her." I think you can show this.  Have Grace speak and Emily not responding.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

You've got some twists in the story, that's a good thing.  And just a hint of the Stepford Wives, that's good, too.

Nice job, like already stated you could trim the more novel like descriptions, such as what they were eating for dinner. I thought the twist was good, and the ending, like any good horror movie, leaves you guessing.

Didn't really gain anything from this, the ending fell flat, cou;dn't identify a "twist", the dialogue was clunky and the interactions felt rushed though I did believe their relationship so points there.
As pointed out above, some descriptions need addressing - show us the "Breathtaking scenery" don't assume the reader is seeing the same as you in their imagination.
Good effort, keep writing.

This one had a lot of promise, but also suffered from some lapses in logic.  First of all, what year is this?  Emily pulls up in a horse drawn carriage, but has a radio in her bedroom?  That doesn't work.

The buildup of the story was good, and I think this "slow burn" is a hallmark of Gothic horror as you build this sense of dread and foreboding.

But, we know the kid is a ghost as soon as we see him, so no real suspense there.  The real question is what lies within the woods.  I think there was some overkill here when the words are carved into the front door.  BTW, wouldn't Grace notice the words on the door when she came back for her purse?

I thought you were going to produce a great twist at the end where Grace is revealed as the killer of the young boy.  Unfortunately, you went with a strangely murky ending.  I'm not exactly sure what was up with the "mother knows best" line.

* Spoilers*

Hmmm...  You actually had me riveted until the very end.  

I found the story of the little boy interesting, wanted to know what happened to him.  And once Emily found the body, I did really want to know why/how he died.  But the twist came out of nowhere, and caused it to fall flat.  For it to work, you need to put little hints throughout the story to lead up to the surprise.  Since you didn't, the logic wasn't there.  And the twist didn't have the impact that it could have.

I get the feeling you're relatively new in the writing field. Maybe a handful of stories, but not all that much...yet.  For that level, the STRUCTURE of your story (until the end twist) is very nicely laid out.  Kudos.    What doesn't really work is the dialogue.  Very wooden, no flow.  But that'll come in time - just a matter of getting the rhythm going - realizing what sounds natural, and what doesn't.

Some nice visuals in this one: like the seeping water and the radio static (it's been done before, but it works in this script.)  The blood on the walls - maybe a bit over the top.  Unless it's just a hallucination...

But congrats on the OWC!!  Thanks for the read.

This seems to follow the basic translation of the OWC rules.
You have some grasp of screenwriting format, not bad.
But the ghostly activity feels overly familiar.
The motivations are wonky, I wouldn’t go near those woods.
This one has the whackiest non-ending ending yet.
I’m starved for some planned humor from this OWC.
Do less telling and more showing, film is a visual medium.
This site is a great resource to learn the craft.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

I really liked this one quite a lot. Sustained element of mystery kept me intrigued.
Moved at a good pace.

I do have a couple of moans. The mother seemed very protective of Emily up until the final page when not only does she not want to know what she has to say but also knows she discovered the woods. How? Because she saw the knife? Bit confused at the wrap up there.

Not too keen on how Emily ended up in the woods. Of all the ways to try to get her down there, I think the ghost's methods of making the house Amityville-fied would have had to complete opposite reaction!

Overall, entertaining. Good job!

I disagree with Ryan. A quick look around the internet shows radios and horse drawn carriages existing in the same time frame.

I also disagree with wonkavite, this script doesn't make you come off as a new writer. There are far worse on this site and even in this competition. Format is perfect, just some issues with show vs tell.

I do agree on the odd ending though. I get the sense that the mother killed the kid and know is going to kill her daughter to keep it quiet? They obviously have a strained relationship, which you show well through their actions.

Good level of suspense throughout the piece, I found myself saying WHATS IN THE WOODS. A bit overboard with the words in the door, eve if it might be a nice visual.

I dug it, but I feel that a lot of people will be disappointed by the ending. I still think you tried to get across the fact that the mother was the killer, you just didn't pull that off well enough.

Good job on finishing.

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect I disagree with Ryan. A quick look around the internet shows radios and horse drawn carriages existing in the same time frame.

Well, taking into consideration home radios didn't become publicly available until the 1920's, I'm sure it is posssible that some people were still using horse drawn carriages.  But not the wealthy, and the country house is described as a "massive structure."  A few details could have cleared this up if the writer had just described the radio a bit, or explained why the girl's house had candles, even though the house had electricity.

I'm not gonna bend cast iron to say who's an amature or what makes you look like an amature in this contest because I know, as awesome as I am, how easy it is to turn out a mediocre script in one of these things from past exepreince.  

A few things, technically, that stuck out to me on page 1 are the following.


1. You open with a pretty obtuse bit --

"A horse and carriage pull up to the front door of an old country house, massive structure.  The beautiful countryside is a sight to see."

How about

"A horse and carriage halts before the massive country house.  The beautiful sprawl stretches far beyond."

I suggest this simply because

A) We don't need to know it's a massive structure after the fact.  We need to know right then and there.  Wasted realestate.  

B) Also of mention you've told us in the scene heading where we are, so adress it as THE.

C)  Furthermore, HALT is a much more exciting word than PULLS.  


2.  I'd go very sparringly on the LY adverbs.  Eargerly in the offset comes to mind, of course so does unenthusiastically.

"She anticipates the exit of her young daughter, EMILY, 16.

I suggest this simply because

A) We know the carriage is there and someone is stepping off soon.  Don't over state it.  And the eargerly is pretty amaturish in "Certian" circles.

Moving on... How about instead of:

"Emily unenthusiastically hugs her back."

you did this instead:

"Indifferent, Emily hugs her back."

I suggest this simply because

B) It sounds better and pops faster.  A script is like popcorn, man... You gotta pop it to eat it and if you dont it's gonna get stuck between your teeth.  Litterally.


3.  Not even off the 1st page and here's another bit I wanna bring up.

"Emily smiles and nods, but it's phony."

How about

"Emily smiles and nods with deception."


4.  You can't tell us there is electricity in the house... You gotta show us there is.  Like, perhaps, she comes in and flips the light off and mentions:

"we have this lovely fire and you wanna ruin it with artificiality"

You gotta think outside the norm at all times.


5.  I'd think about seperating some of your actions.  It's a personal preference to be sure... but, for instance, when the drive of the carriage grabs her luggage and brings it inside -  that, to me, should really be a completely different shot from Emily's "phoney" nod.  Visual here... Think visual.  Think what the camera is seeing at all times -- not what we're reading.


Anyways, that's my 5 point bit on your 1st page -- I think it can not only help you strengthen it, but your writing as a whole.

As for your story -- I thought it was alright.  Very thoughtful inclusion to the OWC scripts I've read thus far... It didn't seem rushed and it, to me, had plenty of room to breath.  

I think it's over written a great deal, and if you take into account even some of what I've said you could easily tighten this up and expand on your scenes even further.  But I believe you nailed the challenge and that's, fundamentally what's important right now.

Good luck with this one and thanks for entering with such a well paced, thought out script.  It didn't waste my time.

Hello Nate,

You have had some good advice so I wont repeat. Overall a pleasant read with a let down ending, however, thatbcan be fixed, so good potential.

Others;

Title font - some may not like this. Also it makes the reader think, before they have started, that this writer could be new, whether true or not. Just a thought to keep it standard.
Her words to herself, P9, this better stop it, sounded strange.
Water p9 where did this come from, it wasn't mentioned before
P11 - yeah, how does she know the girl has gone to the woods. Why did she kill the boy, and why is he there and why does he come back etc etc

Overall a fair effort and one worth revising

All the best.

I'm sorry, but this dialogue is so wooden, it actually reads like a pisser or parody.

Lots of errors in the actual writing, including unfilmables all over the place.

Page 3, and that's all, folks.  Sorry.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm sorry, but this dialogue is so wooden, it actually reads like a pisser or parody. Lots of errors in the actual writing, including unfilmables all over the place. Page 3, and that's all, folks.  Sorry.

That's encouraging.